So, I have been writing about all kinds of things lately, always trying to do it from my point of view including personal experiences.
Today, though, I have decided to write a special entry: a little about myself.
I was reviewing the material about masculinity for the next entry on that topic and I remembered something very interesting that happened to me this week: I was able to achieve one of my most important dreams without even expecting it, defying what others might have thought.
I have always loved singing - I have an odd taste in music, mainly I am into japanese pop and Broadway musicals- but was constantly hindered by my family since it is not something manly to do... Of course, I imagine that if I had been singing stuff like Heavy Metal or something like that, they'd been less worried. So, in the end, I decided it was not worth pursuing since it would not become my source of income in the future and wouldn't be recognised anyway.
However, in my search for a more integral way of life and as a way to become a happier person, about 4 months ago I decided to give it a shot.
I started taking singing lessons at school... Or something like that. I mean, I loved that I was allowed to choose a song I truly loved (Defying Gravity from Wicked) but it was a group of 19 people and the teacher decided to see each of us individually every time and I hardly ever got a chance to sing and be corrected - the feedback I got was also very limited because of the time. Nevertheless, I realised it really was something that made something inside me tingle, so I tried to practise on my own (without really knowing what was right or wrong). I eventually decided to find a private tutor to help me out since I was going to have to sing in the presentation of the workshop at school. I had three classes with a great coach and I improved lots (I think) - but most importantly, that feeling of fulfillment, entire ecstasy and completeness became bigger and clearer. I realised that, when I was singing, everything else became unimportant and irrelevant; I was able to feel my whole body connected and flowing with the emotions from the song... It was-- is a feeling beyond anything else I have ever known. The big problem, however, was that I am still in training and I tend to be a real perfectionist and these two things just don't match when you have to present your work in public!
The day of the presentation came and, of course, I started building the whole event up in my mind... I pretended I was conscious that it was just the beginning and shouldn't worry much about it being perfect (I hadn't had much training anyway), but I was secretly hoping it would go just like in my dreams: I would go on stage, perform and, right at the climax of the song, when the artist does the longest note, people would cheer and applaud recognising what he was doing. Both my hopeful self and my realistic self were struggling to see which would prevail and that ended up making me sick and getting a fever (ironic, huh?).
I got on stage and started singing. The second I heard my own voice coming from the speakers, something inside my chest seemed to burst... A little sphere of something warm that I didn't know I had... It filled my entire body and had me trembling with excitement and happiness. The song went on, every note, every phrase building up the energy inside me and I had no idea how to let it out. I could not see the audience that well - I didn't care anyway - in that moment I knew it was all about me, about what I was doing. Had I ever felt this? If someone had asked, would I have been able to identify where it was located? No. I'm sure that is the answer.
The song kept getting closer to its peak and I had no way to contain all my emotions. The note I expected came and I let my whatever-it-might-be-called burst. I felt as if I was floating off the stage, engulfed in a feeling I had no way of describing. And then, at that moment, I heard a cheer and applause. My dream, exactly as I had imagined, was coming true. It was as if a stream of elation had suddenly become a raging river and had taken over me - just for a second; it blocked my throat and it felt just like when I am about to cry. The instant passed. I regained my composture. I finished the song in what I can only describe as an explosion of my inner-world. The effort was welcomed with warm applause and praise.
After I got off the stage, I was shaking uncontrollably and tears rolled down my cheeks - this was probably the first time I cry out of sheer happiness.
My singing coach told me once that I have a very masculine voice and I have to learn to use it. He tells me not to be scared of it. I guess, at times, I have been scared of what it means to find who I really am. But I guess it's not that bad!
So, thanks to all my friends who supported me and encouraged me saying I could do it!
Well, if you've come this far, thanks for reading! I hope, somehow, this can inspire you to reach for our dream, no matter what it is, 'cause it can really come true!
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