Fight right. Part 1 : Stay on topic

A: "Why don't you ever ask me what show I want to watch? You never take me into consideration! Like that time when we went to the cinema with our friends and you just assumed I wanted to see that movie! Or that time we went to the restaurant and..."

B: "I do too take you into consideration! Don't I always ask you what you want for dinner? And when we are at the bar, I get the beer you like and..."

"You ALWAYS do that!", says the first person. "Well, you ALWAYS do that other thing", says the second person. Then it just spirals on and on until nobody can really remember what they were fighting about in the first place. The fight veers away from the issue at hand and becomes something bigger for which both parts have very plausible arguments... Neither is right and neither is wrong. You can't generalize because either will always find a counter argument of one time when they did or didn't do something. 

In my opinion, having fights in a relationship is not something to worry about, it's when you don't care anymore that you should be more alert! Disagreements and occasional clashes are to be expected when two human beings who can hardly understand themselves try to understand each other.

However, these conflicts can get bigger, uglier and last for days for no apparent reason. Have you ever found yourself arguing over something as silly as 'why you didn't say thank you when he gave you a soda'? And then it just goes on to an actual fight about why you never show affection, which ends up with neither speaking for hours and going to bed angry.

Well, there are a few tricks to preventing these issues and learning to 'fight right'. I didn't come up with them myself, they're things I have learned through books and experience (both personal and professional), but they have all blended together so I'm sorry I'm not including references for this one! 

Part 1. Stay on topic

If you get upset because your partner didn't take out the trash, it doesn't matter if he never does it; what matters is that he didn't do it this one time and that is the one thing you can handle at the moment. Most couples generalize issues making them way too big to be solved with one peaceful discussion. It's like when you want to improve your house and you look at all the little details that need attention; normally, you get overwhelmed, the amount of work seems endless and you end up irritable, stressed and blocked out. When you tackle one issue at a time, things are much simpler and manageable. 

The dialogue at the beginning of this post is a good example of that. Another way that can go wrong is:

A: "You know, it bothered me that you just chose that show and didn't ask me if I wanted to see it."

B: "Well, you never tell me what you want to watch and when I ask you you always say 'whatever'."

Which would trigger another endless conflict resulting in more drama than the new season of Smash. If both parts stay on topic, it's easier to address the one thing that is causing conflict at the time.

These things might not seem to 'matter' much, but in the long run it makes a huge difference in how a couple can resolve a conflict. 

In the next few weeks, I plan to post more tips on how to improve your 'fighting' skills... Or rather, ways to solve conflicts without visualizing painful ways you could punish your partner for not agreeing with you.

Affection Currency - A short story

Matt went back home, opened the box, threw the instruction booklet away (who needs instructions nowadays? Computers are practically sentient!, he said to himself) and immediately plugged his new toy into his personal computer. Many times in the past, he had been accused of being too 'indifferent' or lacking empathy with his friends and family, when the truth was that Matt was just emotionally clumsy; however much he tried, he was not able to identify when people felt like he was giving 'too little' until it was 'too late'. Matt hoped this new gadget would help him improve that - or, better yet, correct it.

Matt felt excited about his new acquisition, he had finally been able to afford it after a long time saving up. The big tech companies had struck gold. Most people have a hard time with concepts that are too abstract and tend to misread things like 'emotions'; therefore, scientists came up with a smartphone-like device which converts them into more concrete concepts - the Affection Currency. All you have to do is link it to your Global Online Profile and this little gadget will access all your past and present relationships, reactions and interactions, creating simple graphs which can help you better understand your behavior, tendencies and areas of improvement. But, wait! There's more! This machine will keep track of your current relationships and give you feedback using 'Affection Dollars'; divided in two categories, Affection Dollars allow you to know how much energy you're investing in a relationship and how much you're actually getting back! Red Affection Dollars (Rad's) are those you receive from others and Black Affection Dollars (Bad's) are the ones you give... So, evidently, while technology seemed to be making huge leaps, marketing strategies were just as cheesy as before.

Still, nothing is ever as good as it seems. When committing to a formal, romantic relationship with someone, those two (or however many) people are required to register their new status on their devices; doing so will deactivate that specific relationship and none of the people involved in it will be able to see their Affection Dollar Flow.

Why is this? Well, it was discovered through very little (and mostly unnecessary) research that being able to track 'how much someone loved you' made a relationship too much like business and was not good for the human psyche. Also, it would probably have ended up in companies selling products with 'Affection Dollar' equivalents.

Our hero was happy with his purchase nevertheless.

The next morning, the device was up and running. Matt went through his history giddy with excitement, like a child running towards the swings on a sunny day... And it hurt as much as if he had tripped and smashed his head into the ground when he saw the screen. He realized that most of his relationships would start out red and end up black, which was not a bad thing itself when balanced, but it was definitely a tendency. "Does this mean that people start by caring about me and end up going away with just me caring for them?", Matt wondered out loud, a bit astonished. He knew he wasn't the best at showing affection but this was a little too extreme. Come to think of it, I haven't seen many of these people in a long time..., he thought as we was going through the list.

A couple of hours later, Matt was downright depressed. He had not found one relationship which seemed even remotely balanced (and no, his mother didn't count). He sat down in his living room, looking at his dog who, according to his gadget, was an emotional genius (the cat was in the other room). That was when Matt had a stroke... 

Of genius! He had been seeing this younger guy who he really liked. He had meant to ask him to make it official for some time now but had always been wary of the age difference. Or so he claimed, but it was really the fact that this guy was 'too happy'. What does that even mean, Matt? Too happy? Maybe it's just that you are too unhappy!, he heard his friends' voices in his head. "Yeah!", he said to his dog, "I'll tweak this gadget so I can see our relationship even after we're formal and registered, and then I will use it to make sure that I am giving enough!". 

Part 2 coming soon...

The Dream - A Short Story

Arael stared at his dream in the glass box.

He did this every morning as soon as he woke up and every night before going to sleep.

It seemed a tiny thing; however intense, it was still a small light floating in space, like a firefly, wandering in its translucent container. 

He had decided it was best to keep it locked away, lest it was hurt, broken or lost. He tried to take it out a few times, shyly show it to those he held dear... But glass is a fragile material. Too hard to keep clean, too hard to keep away from harm. As soon as people touched it, there would be smudges on the walls of the box. Arael would suffer and sweat from anxiety as other hands handled his most precious possession. No one seemed to be careful enough in his eyes.

Still, try as he might, he couldn't help but notice his dream was not growing. Its twinkle, persistent, constant but never changing.

One day, in the school where he taught, he saw a child playing with a light quite similar to his, though way to carelessly for his taste. 

"Aren't you afraid it'll break?", he asked the little boy.

"Why would it break?", the boy replied with big innocent eyes.

"Well, it could. That's why I keep mine in a box like this", he said as he showed the boy the little glass container.

The boy giggled and said, "Mister, you shouldn't play with glass boxes. Mommy says they break too easily!"

"Well, this is my most precious dream. It's not to play with", Arael explained, feeling a little exasperated.

"Then, what is it for?", the boy asked.

Arael was left without words. What was his dream for? If all he could do with it was look at it and fret over its safety?

On his way back home, he realized that some people were being followed by little star-like creatures. They seemed alive and full of energy. 

"Excuse me, sir," he told one of them, "what is that on your shoulder?"

"This? It's my dream!", the man responded cheerfully.

"It's really nice... I keep mine in a box, though... So, it doesn't... Break...", Arael trailed off, suddenly feeling too silly.

"Break? Funny. Mine keeps me from breaking!", the man said laughing, "It's my most precious dream. It's too strong to be broken by anybody but me".

Arael was bewildered. He looked at his glass box. Glass was fragile. Glass could be broken with little effort. None but he could keep its contents constrained. None but he could break it.