A Good Wolf

Nietzsche said that most people think that 'good and evil' fell from Heaven, as if it were something outside themselves; instead, it is people themselves who decide. And yet, so many of us have caught ourselves wondering whether something we want to do is 'all right'.

Many a time I've heard phrases such as "well, I'm not responsible for what others feel" and "I gotta live the moment". Most of them come from cheap self-help books that misinterpret Buddhist ideology. "I'll let the Universe do its work" doesn't mean that I can free myself from any responsibility and act recklessly.

However, I have found that there is a very simple way to know if something is 'good' or 'bad' (for lack of better words): if you are ashamed of what you are doing, if you hide your actions even from those who are closest to you, then you should think twice about it - not because of what they think, but rather for the reasons why you conceal it.

On the other hand, sometimes we don't even ask ourselves why we think something is wrong. Very often we keep habits from childhood and beliefs that weren't ever ours.

Some time ago I saw a video on TED.com where a lexicographer talks about what she calls 'The ham-butt problem" and it's something like this: she was cooking a ham and cut the ham-butt off as she always did, but this time she stopped and wondered why she did it - it was, of course, something that her mother had always done. So, she called her mother and asked her, and the response was "well, my mother always did it". They called grandma and she said "my pan was too small!".

How many beliefs, habits and who knows what else do we keep going just because it has never occurred to us that it could be any differently? I won't wear pink because it's for girls. I won't date more than one person because it's wrong. I won't talk about my sexuality because it's shameful. I won't eat that because it's bad for me - and this last one is wonderful because most of us have absolutely no idea if it's true, we just follow what commercials tell us (the same commercials that say that we must shampoo every day and use lots of toothpaste).

In the end, I think gay people have been pushed to question these ideas to a point (even more so while coming out), but most of us stop when we get to a comfortable point. Why? Isn't this like living in a house that somebody else built and decorated for us? I mean, it took me years to realize that I love purple and that I want to decorate my bedroom with that color! We can't really destroy the 'house' or the core of who we are, but the decoration - the beliefs, habits, ideologies - we have, we can question, arrange, rearrange and change until we feel satisfied with them. So, don't take for granted that you 'know what you like and don't like' until you've put yourself to the task of questioning it!

The day I really stopped playing 'straight' - Part 2

I know, it took forever! But here's the second part of the story...

So, the music was playing, people were dancing the night away and I was pondering what to do next... When my cousin came back to the table I asked her to dance with me and my companion to dance with my mother; as we were dancing, both my mother and cousin asked me why I wasn't dancing with my 'date'. "Because it's not MY WEDDING!" I snapped back at them... They looked at each other, puzzled, and answered "so?". Then my cousin had an idea, she said "I'll just ask the people at our table to get up and dance and we'll make a circle, will that make you less nervous?" I said yes and she proceeded to carry out the plan.

It was fun and interesting, the DJ was playing nice upbeat music and we were having a great time; we were soon joined by the newlyweds and some other family members... A few songs later, the group got sort of separated, my companion and I were left dancing next to each other (technically not with each other) close to the center of the dance floor when it happened. The DJ decided to switch from dancey-club music to salsa - which set me in a  decisive moment: go back to the table or take a chance and dance with him. 

We both stopped on our tracks and looked at each other with a what-do-we-do look; for a second I felt terrified, with an urge to run away... But I realised it was an excellent opportunity. So, I gave him my hand (remember I can't lead) and he looked at me, baffled, and asked "are you sure??", I shrugged and smiled - so, we started dancing.

I must say, I'm not a great dancer myself, so it added to the awkardness of the situation. As we danced, I looked around a bit and did notice some people staring - so I decided to stop worrying and just enjoy the night. 

It was a great feeling... A feeling of achievement... Here I was, making a statement: "This is me". Somebody told me once that it's easier when people know that you're gay since that way you know who's on your side and who isn't. It couldn't have been more true. I expected my uncle (the one who got married) to say something or give me a hard time about it... But he didn't. In fact, he even asked me to sing them a song as a wedding present - which made me feel he was completely comfortable with the whole situation. Another uncle, who I hadn't told since he's kind of cheuvanistic, came up to me before he left to say goodbye, hugged me unusually tight and said to my cub companion: "it was nice meeting you, hope to see you again soon" and hugged him - I was completely in awe. 

Of course, there were others who hardly even looked at me the rest of the night but, to be honest, it didn't bother me. I was so happy to see that those I actually care about were so accepting.

The rest of the evening went by quite smoothly. At the table I felt free to hug the cub I was with and just be myself. 

At the end of the night, the cousin who convinced and helped me to take the leap of dancing with a man in a non-gay setting asked me how I felt, when I said I was actually quite happy she said "See? It's just your paranoia, nothing happened!" I hugged her and thanked her for her help... But she was wrong... Something did happen. Somehow, doing that helped me not only feel more comfortable with who I am, but also realise how important it is to take a stand. I wouldn't say I am a stereotypical gay man so I believe this helps break some misconceptions people have about gay people... I mean, the guy I was dancing with is unusually tall and has a full beard - I know most of the people in that hall thought gay men were all queeny and feminine.

This was hard and it took time for me to have the courage to do it, but I believe that if more people dare to be themselves no matter where they are, it will make it easier for those who come after us...