New love can never be as good as the one to come afterwards...

"The sudden abundance and apparent availability of love experiences (...) can make one believe that the ability to love grows with the accumulated experience and that the next 'love' will be and even more stimulating experience than the current one - though not as exciting and fascinating as the one to come after the next one"... Or so Mr. Zygmunt Bauman says in his book 'Liquid Love'.

This book was given to me by a dear friend since he knows that, as a psychologist, I'm very interested in the way relationships develop and evolve through time, as well as in the different ways society is changing. Little did I know, this book would have so many interesting ideas and such a deep insight into the way marketing and the media have transformed the idea of 'love'.

So, reflecting a bit on the quote I roughly translated above, I was thinking about how, in a way, the real thing can never beat the fantasy of what could be... And in our society of disposable everything, it's quite easy to get caught in that idea... This takes me back to the first time I fell in love with someone who felt the same way for me. It was that magical, Disney-movie-love, that makes everything seem right even though it may not be. He was like 21 years older than me or something like that and very reluctant to have a relationship with someone so young. At the time, I thought him mad for allowing such a petty detail get in the way of us being together. I didn't understand his point of view at all and did everything I could to prove him wrong - granted, I have been around people who are older than me all my life so it wasn't that difficult. Thus, being an economically-independent 19-year-old student, I found my way into his heart little by little. We were together for about four and a half years and lived together about 18 months. We had a great relationship and we complemented each other quite well; of course, we had our differences but what couple doesn't? Sometimes I think back and recall how, when I felt lost and frustrated, he had a way of hugging me and saying "everything will be okay" that really convinced me it was so.

So, what went wrong, you ask? Ah, it's quite simple. I was young and stupid. Hehehehe...

Towards the end of the relationship I started feeling the age-difference (or so I believed) issues... I began feeling like I wanted to go out and meet people, dance, go out for the weekend to some place just to be out of the city... Be spontaneous. He didn't want this. I felt like that Abba song 'One of us': "I saw myself as a concealed attraction, I felt you kept me away from the heat and the action".

I started thinking about the possibilities a new relationship could bring. Someone I could love and who would love me back, besides being compatible with me in these ways. 

Now, after reading this book, and in my current situation I understand this idea of love being similar to technology... In our current fast-moving world, we are immersed in a society in which everything is disposable and the idea of a long-lasting product was lost years ago, since the 'new and updated version' will be available in a short time. What I mean is, today I realize that I couldn't see how much that relationship gave me because of the expectations of what 'could be'.

The romantics and others who share their ideas will probably be appalled by my crude and 'cold-hearted' similes, but this is just my perception, not the gospel truth... 

This also goes along with something else Bauman says which is that, lately, the notion of  "till death do us part" has become old-fashioned... And this has had important implications on 'love'; it has made the requirements for an experience to be defined as 'love', much simpler... It also means that it's not that more people qualify to be 'good potential partners' but rather that we have lowered the standards for them to be just that - I mean, since one no longer thinks about a life-long partner, then it doesn't matter if he or she is not perfect, right? Also, it means that, if this one doesn't work, it's not like I need to get married right away, those standards have also changed and I can just date whoever I want for as long as it's convenient. This is, of course, a double-edged sword because, while it gives you more freedom, it also makes it harder to appreciate the one thing you do have.

I think this is all, in a way, sad. I remember the days when I fell in love thinking "this is the one I will be with for life" and believed it was the only way it could be. Today I wonder if that is still a feasible idea in a world like ours. 

Today I can see that I have been caught in this 'modern' lifestyle in which it's too easy to get what you think you want, despite sacrificing what you need.

Any thoughts on this? Do you think we have lowered our standards about what we call 'love'?

Back to mono... gamy... Is it possible?

Ok, so I've never really been in an open relationship, much less a polyamorous one - in fact, I think I might be too jealous to do it; however, with my ex we had an arrangement where we would admit a third as long as it was the two of us together.

Still, after we broke up, I dated some people casually and enjoyed the pleasures of being able to do whatever I wanted - this led me to the idea that, perhaps, I was ready to try a more modern kind of lifestyle. Would it be possible for me to actually separate the sexual and affective components of relationships?

Well, I still don't know the answer to that question. Nevertheless, recently I was presented with a situation which would mean going back to being completely monogamous... So... Ouch...

I mean, taking the step from being faithful to one person to fooling around with other people is not that hard... But going back?

As I was pondering this question, I, of course, started listing the pros and cons of the situation. On the one hand, I believe it really promotes a deeper connection between the two people, there is more of a romantic, idealistic tint to the relationship and it is way safer. On the other hand, you only have sex with one person... Now, don't get me wrong, I think that growing to love someone and enjoying intimacy with them is an experience that (takes time, obviously and) can't be beaten; but I also think it's true that we humans are not built to be monogamous. In the days when sex was all about reproduction and making little heirs, of course it was vital to make sure the baby was your own, and yet I think that there is way more to it.

Another factor that I think is very important to consider is questioning this custom; asking yourself if you want to be monogamous because YOU really want it or if it is because that is the way you were brought up.

Personally, I went through this process and discovered that, while it is mostly because that's what my parents (and the media) taught me, I still think there is some value to that commitment.

I am, evidently, still considering the option... In fact I am reading a book on modern relationships which I really want to talk about here... I hope I get a chance to do it soon.

So, what do you think? Can one be monogamous after trying the alternatives?

Pride 2011 (Night) - or bears don't dance.

And I'm back! Again, thanks to all of you who have been checking my blog out despite the lack of updates!

So, the night of pride (yeah, like a month ago or something like that) we went to this 'bear event' organised by bearmex - which is practically the only option for people who want to be in a bear-like environment.

It was in a very popular club called 'Living' which normally has a very different scene - snobbish. The place itself was actually pretty good; rather big and with really cool music. 

As the night went by, more and more bears showed up until it got quite packed (as you can see in the pic)!! I like these parties because I get to see people from out of town, including guys from other countries. The environment is also nicer because, normally, the bears who go to the bars are like striking a pose, but in these events, they seem to relax and let themselves be.

The Mr.Bearmex contest was really interesting, with some singing, some dancing, some stripping, some odd poetry-like shows and Adam Champ (woof!)...

But just before all that madness started, I was looking at the dance floor from the 2nd floor and I saw a bear getting on a platform-like thing and start dancing. Everybody went crazy for a bit, cheering him on; however, that's when I realised that, before, no one had been dancing or even moving to the music - everyone had been just standing there chatting with people (if they were in a group) or just looking around. 

Now, a couple of months ago I, reluctantly, went to a straight bar to celebrate one of my students' birthday and noticed something similar. I remember how nobody at the place was dancing except for us (the gays); they were all just standing there, looking pretty... Or something like that. That day, I complained about the place because I said I was used to going out to have fun and not just sit around doing nothing.

I guess it doesn't just happen there. Still, I do wonder why it was like that. I mean, I have seen bears at regular bars or clubs and they dance quite a bit! But, for some reason, when they are at the bear-oriented events, everyone is like trying to be cool and not move much... 

Still, it was a fun night. 

How do bears celebrate Pride where you live??