Slut like you

As I was reading 'The Boleyn Inheritance', I came across a chapter where Queen Anne is trying really hard to not appear slutty- I mean 'wanton', to king Henry. When night comes and sexy time begins, she just lays on her back while the king struggles to try and do what is due. After many failed attempts, she confides in one of her ladies in waiting, who suggests many different ways to seduce and entice the king: keep the candles lit and undress slowly, bend this way or that way to show him her breasts and curves, get on top and moan, among many others. This queen, however, gasps and refuses to even listen to her suggestions, arguing her morale is too high to act like a common 'whore'.

It struck me then how often I hear this happen in real life, people who are too afraid of being judged by their very own partners, unsure of how they would react if they shared their fantasies and desires. Common arguments like 'if I suggest trying role playing, he might thing I'm ridiculous', 'if I suggest a threesome, he will think I don't love him or like him enough', 'if I tell him I like the smell of his armpits, he will think I'm filthy', amongst many others.

The problem is that we rarely stop to consider the possibility that our partner might actually share the same fantasies. 

In the end, it all comes down to one thing: trust. Not only trusting that your partner will be open to, at the very least, listen to your suggestion; but rather that he or she will not judge you or shame you because of sharing your most intimate thoughts. 

I have a female friend who, after being married for a few months, told me that her sex life was 'ok' but not that enjoyable. I asked her what it was she did or what they had tried to 'spice things up' and she replied that really all they did was undress (on their own) get in bed an have coital sex... And that's all they did. Ever. No wonder she was getting bored! 

After a while, she finally got a little over her shyness and we started talking about fantasies she might have (all of which started with "I'm sure he would never do it but I would like..."). As a first step, I suggested using sexy massage oils and good lube (which they hadn't used). The funniest part was leaving the sex shop; she turned to me and said "what if somebody I know sees me?", I smiled and replied "then they will know you are having fun sex and will either be happy for you or envy you, either way, you win".

Things as simple as that can bring a huge twist to a relationship and help both partners feel satisfied in ways they might have never known before. Don't refuse to do something simply because "you have never thought about it before" or are afraid of what people might think if they found out you did it.

The truth is, we all love sex and we all have secret fantasies. If you have chosen to be with someone because you love them, don't be afraid of showing them who you truly are. You never know, you might be in for a treat.

Healthy Love

That's what everybody wants, right? That's why Psychologists like me have work, actually... And why people buy those cheap, tacky magazines with the 20 question test that can tell you if you have a 'codependent' relationship. Also, it is rather in fashion to watch all those shows that give you tips on how to have a 'healthy' relationship... Most of which, I think, should have informercials instead of regular commercials... Very often, those shows only present utopic, ideal relationships which only Buddha would have.

It's funny how there seems to be a generalized concept of what is the ideal relationship; the one that can make you happy and, if you read this book or that, you'll find the recipe for it. Well, what if you don't really want something like that?

The concept of 'health' itself has changed in the last few years; before, it was considered 'the absence of illness or disease' whereas now it is 'the physical, mental and emotional well-being of a person'. And, no, it is not the same thing.

A relationship can be free of jealousy, deceit, arguments and problems, and still be awful... On the other hand, the presence of these factors doesn't necessarily indicate that the relationship is faulty or destructive.

When you start a new relationship, have your friends ever made comments like "you shouldn't see each other so much", " you shouldn't show you care so much", "you shouldn't be so jealous", etc. etc. It's like everyone has advice on how to have the perfect relationship - and yet, how many of those actually have it?  In fact, most of those comments only reflect what most of them are afraid of or are doing themselves, and have very little to do with you or your relationship.

In the end, I believe 'healthy love' is that which leads you to create something new in your life. To grow and make the union of the two something bigger than what they are on their own. If you're jealous, distant, cold, affectionate, intellectual, monogamous, polyamorous, etc. What does it matter as long as it makes you happy?