According to him...

One of my friends was telling me the other day about how he wished he could 'meet someone who really understood him and was compatible with him, unlike his current partner'. He has been with his partner for some time now and their relationship doesn't seem to be going all that well... 

His comment made me think of that song "According to you" by Orianthi, have you ever listened to it? It's about a girl who is bitching about how her boyfriend thinks she's boring, difficult, stupid, etc.; meanwhile, some other guy thinks she's "beautiful, incredible" and "can't get her out of his head". My first thought when I heard this song was "yeah, because he doesn't live with you, bitch!"

Being a friend is a lot easier than being a partner. In a way, there's a lot less pressure on you. Many people tend to expect way too much out of the person they fall in love with: they want them to be their best friend, their lover, their confidant, their support, their companion, among many other things. And, very often, all these things are expected to happen instantly, as if by magic! Seriously? You meet someone in a bar (or on Grinder or whatever app), you are attracted to them, you spend some time with them and suddenly you are demanding that they be everything you have ever wanted? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

One of the things that I have learned through experience is that, in order for a relationship to succeed, the people involved in it need to branch out their emotional needs; you can't realistically expect one person to satisfy you in every single way (you're welcome to do it, but later don't bitch about how they weren't what you expected). Here's an example:

I am currently in a relationship with a man who doesn't especially like going out; his personality is just more the 'at home' type. Now, while I am not the party animal that can't live without going out every night, I do need to do it every now and then to blow off some steam (I teach 6th grade, so I have a lot of built up frustration and stress). In my past relationships, I would just agree to stay in and then secretly blame my partner for my being bored at home - but whose fault was that? Then I thought "well, I want to be with him and if I go out without him it is just going to push us apart". I lived with this fear/resentment for a while until I realized a very simple truth: I don't need to do everything with my partner. In fact, I need to not do everything with my partner! Such behavior only leads to friends falling out or simply losing touch as you tend to have less and less time and fewer activities to share with your friends. 

It's very healthy to go out with your friends and bitch about how your partner is at home being grumpy - very often it will also lead you to realize all the other times he's not and the many ways he makes you happy! Moreover, you take the pressure off so that when you are together you are actually doing things you both enjoy.

I still believe that being in a partnership means considering what will make the other person happy and being able to give in every now and then. And by 'give in' I don't mean reluctantly go somewhere just so you can later use it as a weapon in an argument ("you're exaggerating! I did go with you last week!"); there's very little point in 'giving in' if you're not ready to surrender your pride and open yourself to living the experience.

Slut like you

As I was reading 'The Boleyn Inheritance', I came across a chapter where Queen Anne is trying really hard to not appear slutty- I mean 'wanton', to king Henry. When night comes and sexy time begins, she just lays on her back while the king struggles to try and do what is due. After many failed attempts, she confides in one of her ladies in waiting, who suggests many different ways to seduce and entice the king: keep the candles lit and undress slowly, bend this way or that way to show him her breasts and curves, get on top and moan, among many others. This queen, however, gasps and refuses to even listen to her suggestions, arguing her morale is too high to act like a common 'whore'.

It struck me then how often I hear this happen in real life, people who are too afraid of being judged by their very own partners, unsure of how they would react if they shared their fantasies and desires. Common arguments like 'if I suggest trying role playing, he might thing I'm ridiculous', 'if I suggest a threesome, he will think I don't love him or like him enough', 'if I tell him I like the smell of his armpits, he will think I'm filthy', amongst many others.

The problem is that we rarely stop to consider the possibility that our partner might actually share the same fantasies. 

In the end, it all comes down to one thing: trust. Not only trusting that your partner will be open to, at the very least, listen to your suggestion; but rather that he or she will not judge you or shame you because of sharing your most intimate thoughts. 

I have a female friend who, after being married for a few months, told me that her sex life was 'ok' but not that enjoyable. I asked her what it was she did or what they had tried to 'spice things up' and she replied that really all they did was undress (on their own) get in bed an have coital sex... And that's all they did. Ever. No wonder she was getting bored! 

After a while, she finally got a little over her shyness and we started talking about fantasies she might have (all of which started with "I'm sure he would never do it but I would like..."). As a first step, I suggested using sexy massage oils and good lube (which they hadn't used). The funniest part was leaving the sex shop; she turned to me and said "what if somebody I know sees me?", I smiled and replied "then they will know you are having fun sex and will either be happy for you or envy you, either way, you win".

Things as simple as that can bring a huge twist to a relationship and help both partners feel satisfied in ways they might have never known before. Don't refuse to do something simply because "you have never thought about it before" or are afraid of what people might think if they found out you did it.

The truth is, we all love sex and we all have secret fantasies. If you have chosen to be with someone because you love them, don't be afraid of showing them who you truly are. You never know, you might be in for a treat.

2 weeks later

It has been two weeks since I moved to Connecticut; somehow, it feels as if it's been longer than that. I guess being a city wolf all my life, the change to a small town where sidewalks are definitely not a priority for the government is making an impression on me.

One of the things that I have noticed in the short time I've been here is how difficult it is to meet people. I mean, never mind the fact that gay-life is practically non-existent here, there are very few cafes and such places where one might casually meet with friends... Or, at least, I haven't found many. 

On the other hand, we seem to be living in an area that kind of makes me think of a combination between Desperate Housewives and a small town, non-pornographic Queer As Folk. In a dinner we had with the neighbours we found out there are actually many gay couples living in the area... It's just very unlike anything I'm used to.

In Mexico, I wasn't a party animal, going to clubs, meeting guys and dancing my young days away; in fact, most of my 'partying' consisted in getting together with a group of friends at their or my apartment to talk, eat, drink and just be silly. In a way, I see how it could be this way here rather easily... The thing is, I guess, breaking into the group. 

How does one infiltrate into a group without relying on classic meeting places like bars and clubs? Or more modern alternatives like Bear411, Growlr, Scruff and other pages of the sort? And, mostly, the problem I have with websites like those is that people aren't really looking to meet others for friendship. They may claim that they are but, seriously, the first thing you see in a profile is NOT their interests and description, but their picture - let's face it, how many people have we met on there because they were interesting without really considering their appearance?

I have yet to figure this out... It's tough being new in a place like this but I'm sure I'll meet people eventually! I can't wait to have dinner parties and just get-togethers with people in the apartment!

Waiting is an 'action' verb

As I wait for the time when I can see my partner again (a month or so... And then another month before I can move in with him) I have gone through many different stages... Mainly unpleasant, frustrating and conflictive ones.

I have always taken pride in the fact that I don't shy away from a challenge - in fact, I like complicated situations that push me to do more than I usually do - I am a hopeless workaholic and I always try to do the best that I can... But when it comes to 'waiting'... Ah, that's my weak spot.

I always thought that waiting was a passive state in which you were helpless, completely at the mercy of the universe without the possibility to actually do anything. I would feel frustrated and anxious, clenching my jaw constantly without realizing it, feeling all my muscles tense and my mind racing, obsessing with all the possible outcomes. No matter what I was doing and despite the fact that I work from dusk till dawn (and later), my hyperactive mind didn't seem to know how to stop.

Today I realized something. Waiting is not a passive thing. Waiting for something is fostering, or rather protecting the hope you harbor for something. Beyond what you do to achieve your goal, sometimes it's more important to keep that hope safe, like a little light inside you. Despair is a very powerful feeling when you let it in, and it will quickly tarnish your hope turning into premature grief. That is what makes waiting hard, the constant thought that your wish won't come true, that all your work will go to waste.

How about making sure it won't?

Even if, in the end, things don't turn out the way you wanted them to, it doesn't mean that you can just sit and watch your hope be swallowed by those dark feelings (frustration, fear, despair). There is something you can do while you wait. Something of utmost importance and that requires action. Keep that hope alive. It's not easy. It takes a lot of work. But it's worth it. And it can be done.

Behind a broken heart

In secondary school, I had this Physics teacher who had a very interesting way of explaining the concept of 'broken'. He would take a wrinkled piece of paper out of his briefcase, smooth it out, crumple it up again and say "there, I broke it". He explained that breaking something doesn't necessarily mean tearing it up in pieces, but rather changing it in a way that it cannot be brought back to its original shape.

This made the whole 'heartbreak' concept a lot easier to understand for me. While there are many causes for this (a breakup, a disappointment, the death of someone), the result is the same: you are left with a void-like feeling in your chest that makes you feel surrounded by darkness and despair.

After that, you will never be the same again... And that is not always a bad thing.

Instead of thinking of a heart as something rigid and fragile, like glass, I think it's more like dough. It constantly changes its shape and morphs depending on who touches it and how they do so. Still, if you give it to someone who modifies it into something you don't like or that hurts you, you cannot mold it back to the way it was before, no matter how hard you try... And why would you? Wouldn't it be more fun to find a new shape you might like even more?

When I see it this way, it makes it easier for me to open up to people and be less afraid of being hurt. Of course, there will be times when I will feel pain but now I know it will just be an opportunity to see a new shape of my heart.

Rings, proposals and roles.

The Claddagh ring is my lucky charm.
The other my 'commitment' ring.

"So, I've been wondering," my boss said to me as he inspected my ring, "how does... how does it work with you guys? I mean, normally the guy proposes to the girl, but in your case there is no girl". At that moment, I actually found myself puzzling over this question, not being exactly in that situation. After thinking about it for a bit I could only answer "I guess it depends on the case!". 

There is someone at work who is waiting for his boyfriend to propose to him since they have talked about marriage (they have a long distance relationship and this way he would get residency in that country); he was present at the time and my boss looked at him and said "well, in your case it is pretty obvious he is proposing to you!"

While it was a funny comment and we all agreed, he might have actually be onto something. There are some couples in which the traditional gender-based roles are very entrenched. Just to clarify, gender roles are social constructs of what is 'masculine' and 'feminine'; while these two words are normally associated with male and female sex accordingly, they are not synonyms or necessarily fixed. A masculine woman is not, by definition, a butch woman who looks like she drives a big truck (the same goes for feminine men) - the concept is much wider than that. A man who stays at home and takes care of the children, a woman who pursues an engineering-related career, a man with an artistic streak - those are examples of characteristics which are not related to their mannerisms or physical appearance.

That being said, some gay couples are comfortable following this model - in which case, the one who takes on the masculine role is very likely to do the 'proposing'. But what about couples where roles are more flexible?

Well, I don't actually know. While the fairy tale idea of the prince getting down on one knee and the Hollywood chick-flick cliché of the jaw-dropping surprise proposal are very appealing, there aren't that many resources that show how 'most people do it'. 

In the end, it all comes down to that, doesn't it? How we have been taught by the media that 'it should be done'... But that does not mean that each couple can come up with their own way, right? 

A Good Wolf

Nietzsche said that most people think that 'good and evil' fell from Heaven, as if it were something outside themselves; instead, it is people themselves who decide. And yet, so many of us have caught ourselves wondering whether something we want to do is 'all right'.

Many a time I've heard phrases such as "well, I'm not responsible for what others feel" and "I gotta live the moment". Most of them come from cheap self-help books that misinterpret Buddhist ideology. "I'll let the Universe do its work" doesn't mean that I can free myself from any responsibility and act recklessly.

However, I have found that there is a very simple way to know if something is 'good' or 'bad' (for lack of better words): if you are ashamed of what you are doing, if you hide your actions even from those who are closest to you, then you should think twice about it - not because of what they think, but rather for the reasons why you conceal it.

On the other hand, sometimes we don't even ask ourselves why we think something is wrong. Very often we keep habits from childhood and beliefs that weren't ever ours.

Some time ago I saw a video on TED.com where a lexicographer talks about what she calls 'The ham-butt problem" and it's something like this: she was cooking a ham and cut the ham-butt off as she always did, but this time she stopped and wondered why she did it - it was, of course, something that her mother had always done. So, she called her mother and asked her, and the response was "well, my mother always did it". They called grandma and she said "my pan was too small!".

How many beliefs, habits and who knows what else do we keep going just because it has never occurred to us that it could be any differently? I won't wear pink because it's for girls. I won't date more than one person because it's wrong. I won't talk about my sexuality because it's shameful. I won't eat that because it's bad for me - and this last one is wonderful because most of us have absolutely no idea if it's true, we just follow what commercials tell us (the same commercials that say that we must shampoo every day and use lots of toothpaste).

In the end, I think gay people have been pushed to question these ideas to a point (even more so while coming out), but most of us stop when we get to a comfortable point. Why? Isn't this like living in a house that somebody else built and decorated for us? I mean, it took me years to realize that I love purple and that I want to decorate my bedroom with that color! We can't really destroy the 'house' or the core of who we are, but the decoration - the beliefs, habits, ideologies - we have, we can question, arrange, rearrange and change until we feel satisfied with them. So, don't take for granted that you 'know what you like and don't like' until you've put yourself to the task of questioning it!

Healthy Love

That's what everybody wants, right? That's why Psychologists like me have work, actually... And why people buy those cheap, tacky magazines with the 20 question test that can tell you if you have a 'codependent' relationship. Also, it is rather in fashion to watch all those shows that give you tips on how to have a 'healthy' relationship... Most of which, I think, should have informercials instead of regular commercials... Very often, those shows only present utopic, ideal relationships which only Buddha would have.

It's funny how there seems to be a generalized concept of what is the ideal relationship; the one that can make you happy and, if you read this book or that, you'll find the recipe for it. Well, what if you don't really want something like that?

The concept of 'health' itself has changed in the last few years; before, it was considered 'the absence of illness or disease' whereas now it is 'the physical, mental and emotional well-being of a person'. And, no, it is not the same thing.

A relationship can be free of jealousy, deceit, arguments and problems, and still be awful... On the other hand, the presence of these factors doesn't necessarily indicate that the relationship is faulty or destructive.

When you start a new relationship, have your friends ever made comments like "you shouldn't see each other so much", " you shouldn't show you care so much", "you shouldn't be so jealous", etc. etc. It's like everyone has advice on how to have the perfect relationship - and yet, how many of those actually have it?  In fact, most of those comments only reflect what most of them are afraid of or are doing themselves, and have very little to do with you or your relationship.

In the end, I believe 'healthy love' is that which leads you to create something new in your life. To grow and make the union of the two something bigger than what they are on their own. If you're jealous, distant, cold, affectionate, intellectual, monogamous, polyamorous, etc. What does it matter as long as it makes you happy?

Gay love through the generations...

One of those things that I've rarely thought about even though most of my relationships have been with people at least 10 years older than me: How has the idea of 'love' changed through time? How does it affect what people look for and how they pursue it?

I was talking with a good friend about this and he had some very interesting ideas...

Starting with the way gay people have had to behave depending on the culture of the era. Not that many years ago, gay life was still pretty covert; people had to sneak around, hide, live in fear of being discovered and hardly being able to actually share anything with another person. So, perhaps, the focus was not so much on having a relationship (that was way too much work and, sometimes, just not possible), but rather on sex. While straight people where being taught that they had to meet someone they could spend the rest of their lives with, have babies and take to family parties, gay people had to lead double lives or look for someone they could find some relief with. We, as homosexuals, are not taught to look for the intimacy and permanence of an actual relationship. In some cheuvanistic cultures (like some places in Mexico), it is even okay to have a male lover as long as 'nobody knows about it and you get married to a woman'.

A bit later on, people who were born after Stonewall, pride and this whole diversity revolution... Well, we have it a bit easier. We are the ones who go out and hold hands with our lovers while walking down the street, face bullies and come out to our parents and try to teach them that "it's okay". We're like the 'transition generation'. We are able to, with some important effort still, have a relationship which is moderately acceptable in society and, more importantly, in our own social circles.

But, what happens when these two generations try to establish a relationship? When these two ideologies have to, somehow, coexist and adapt to each other?

Let's see. The one, while also yearning for companion, someone to share their lives with, has had to make it through the 'dark side of the street', so to speak. While we have had the chance to step into the other side...

Now, I don't want to generalize. There are always exceptions and there is no way I can speak for everybody. But this all just made me wonder if the concept of a 'romantic relationship' hasn't changed dramatically? Or enough to pose a problem for these combinations? Is my generation a bit more open to intimacy because we have been allowed to do it more openly? And have we stopped looking at sex as a union with somebody else because it is so easy to get? Or perhaps it's the other way around and we aren't really looking for that intimacy and just mistake it for sex. Maybe, people in the previous generation can separate love and sex more easily since the former was more rare and difficult to achieve? 

One thing I know for sure. Those of us who are relationship-oriented (and even those who say they aren't), are looking for someone to share our lives with; someone to love and be loved by. I'm a bit too romantic for my own good and I do believe that love can get you through anything. All those differences age, race, distance and other factors bring can be overcome as long as both people can communicate and are willing to compromise.

Suspicious minds

Often condemned, rarely appreciated and mostly troublesome, this emotion seems to give lots of people a terrible headache. But, is it 'bad'? Is it 'normal'? Can we control it and does it mean anything if your partner is not jealous of you?

To my mind, it is nearly impossible to trust your partner one hundred percent; I mean, to the point that you are absolutely certain that there is no way that this person would ever stray from the path that has been set. We are all humans and we all make mistakes, so what makes it impossible for your partner not to do so?

In a way, I think that some degree of jealousy is healthy for a relationship. It shows that you are not taken for granted, that your absence would be more than just 'noted'... Then, again, I said 'some degree' of jealousy - when someone is checking your e-mails, texts and can't stand to let you out of their sight, well, that just becomes creepy.

Recently I read an article on this, defining jealousy as the feeling of the threat of real or potential rivals to an existing relationship. Not that any of us are alien to this feeling, but there was something else that caught my eye. These researchers were proposing the idea of two kinds of jealousy: 'reactive jealousy' and 'suspicious jealousy'.

Reactive jealousy happens when there is something external that makes you feel threatened; for example, when your partner has cheated on you. This type of jealousy is characterized by anger, sadness and fear. Whereas suspicious jealousy is more related to insecurity and self-esteem, and is more characterized by anxiety, insecurity and doubt.

While this makes a LOT of sense, it seems odd how different they actually are and what discrepant reactions they provoke. I mean, when someone cheats on you, it is only normal that you'd be pretty pissed off, right? Or sad because the person disappointed you... However, I don't think this is the most common form of jealousy...

Somehow, I think that mostly people (like me) suffer from suspicious jealousy. The idea of what 'might' happen but not because of what the other person could or not do, but rather because our mind creates an infinite number of stories that, while possible, aren't necessarily probable.

So, when you tell somebody you're jealous and that person asks what they can do to help you feel more confident... It's not always something that they can do. Because they can tell you they love you, give you proof they do, even get a tattoo of your face on their butt and it would STILL not help you feel less jealous! Why? Because, if it's suspicious jealousy, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with them!

The only thing that happens in these cases is that the jealous person feels anxious and insecure, which brings stress into the relationship, and their partner feel like nothing they ever do is enough, even when they try to comply with any demands that the jealous partner might make!

In the end, I think that reactive jealousy is normal and can even be beneficial for a relationship, giving the person the feeling that they are important enough to take care of... As long as it's not psycho. And if there's good communication between the couple then there's no reason why it should be a problem at all. On the other hand, suspicious jealousy is something that the person has to work with on their own; sure, their partner can help by understanding how it is not about their behavior per se, but rather some issues which are more personal and less related to the relationship itself. This means that the jealous partner should understand that, while their partner can be supportive, their behavior will not necessarily make them feel better or worse.

This could be a relief, in fact, for some people. Knowing that your partner is jealous because of their own insecurities releases you from the "responsibility" of provoking such an emotion and gives you the opportunity to be there for them in a whole other way.

How long should you wait?

It's funny how often it happens that a book comes into my life bearing a message that applies to my life so accurately, it's scary. 

A couple of days ago, I started reading 'Giovanni's Room' by James Baldwin. I must confess that, so far, I find it to be a very depressing story - at least potentially. However, there's a beautiful romantic side to it that I can't help but adore; it's always nice, inspiring even, to read about two people falling in love and how nothing else matters to them... For a while at least.

There is a part, though, that had me reflecting for quite a while.

Giovanni: "Tell me, what is this about time? Why is it better to be late than early? People are always saying we must wait, we must wait. What are they waiting for?"

David: "Well, I guess people wait in order to make sure of what they feel."

Giovanni: "And when you have waited - has it made you sure?"

Giovanni's Room - James Baldwin

It had me thinking about how this illusion is so deeply embedded in most of our cultures - the idea that one should not be impulsive, but rather wait as long as possible to ensure that the desired outcome will turn out as expected... But, isn't this silly? I think that, when you want to do something and get that feeling deep in your gut, that itch to start moving, time will hardly make it any 'easier' to go through with it.

Perhaps the main issue is that most people believe that, by obtaining more information before taking action, it is easier to make the right choice... And I do not disagree on this point.

Except when it is about human relationships and matters of the heart. I heard somewhere that 'the brightest light will always cast the darkest shadows'; wouldn't this mean that a feeling that can change your life as much as love does, will also come with ghosts and other mischievous feelings attached? Obviously the possibility of getting all you have ever wanted cannot be separated from the fear of losing it as well...

So, how long should one wait? I think that, when two people meet, it takes only a few minutes to know where the relationship can go. Let's say, on a date, it takes very little time to know if the person in front of you can, potentially, stir your soul. 

When you feel you love someone, how long do you wait to say it? How do you 'make sure' you really love someone? It's funny to me how people can throw words around like 'hate', 'stupid', 'idiot', etc. as if they were nothing, but find it extremely difficult to say the 'L' word...

Waiting, in my opinion, is overrated. Perhaps we should be more focused on living?

The injured lover's hell, the green eyed monster...

"Born in love but propelled by rage, jealousy is a complex relational experience. It is a

visceral fear of loss, a set of paradoxical feelings and thoughts, an action and a reaction. Milton referred to it as the ‘‘injured lover’s hell,’’ Shakespeare, as the ‘‘green eyed monster’’ that destroys love and annihilates the beloved person. The 19th century Brazilian writer Machado de Assis described it as a ‘‘doubt,’’ a twilight between fantasy and reality, that drives a person into madness"

So, while going through some articles online I came across this one, and I found the definition breathtaking... Not only is it so poetic it makes it sound beautiful in an odd way, but I believe it defines that feeling so accurately I could never match it.

At one point, before I started this new relationship I'm in, I thought I had overcome that feeling and was rid of it for good - I couldn't have been more wrong... And yet, who's to say that some jealousy isn't healthy? Looking back I have come to realize I have only stopped feeling jealous altogether when I am not afraid I will lose the person I love - this can either mean that I don't really care or that I'm being arrogant.

At one point I was in a relationship with someone who I was pretty sure wouldn't leave me, no matter what I did. My indifference towards his absence was proportional to the intensity of the happiness that relationship brought me - in simpler words, I didn't care much if he left because he wasn't bringing much into my life anyway. 

Now, how do people normally react when they're jealous? Well, the article I'm quoting goes on:

The experience of jealousy tends

to arise without warning at a particular moment when one partner behaves in a way

that stirs up a fear of betrayal in the other. To manage the anxieties engendered, the

jealous partner may become sullen, inquisitive, or aggressive.

Ok, so I'm interested in the partner "stirring up" a fear of betrayal... This, of course, does not mean that they actually betrayed anyone, they just disturbed a sleeping monster that was already there! Like the author says "Some of the vulnerabilities that typically underlie jealousy are: a need to be recognized as the most special person in the life of the partner, fears of abandonment and betrayal, and feelings of inadequacy in which the person feels unattractive or unworthy". Are you relating to any of this yet?

The experience of the jealous person resembles a trance-like state characterized by

intrusive fantasies and fears, compulsiveness, and irrational associations.

I love that, a "trance-like" state. Have you ever found yourself going on a jealous rant while inside your head you're like "but this is stupid, I'm being silly"... And yet, there's no way to stop it once it gets going...

The French

philosopher Roland Barthes speaks of the contradictions involved: ‘‘As a jealous man,

I suffer four times over: because I am jealous, because I blame myself for being so,

because I fear that my jealousy will wound the other, because I allow myself to be

subject to a banality: I suffer from being excluded, from being aggressive, from being

crazy, and from being common’’

And one ends up having an internal battle on top of the one going on with their partner, stuck in an ambivalence that seems to eat him up.

The article goes on, explaining how this can be treated... But it doesn't mean that everyone's going to pull an Othelo on their partner just because they have wandering eyes!

I prefer to put a more positive spin on this. When jealousy is controlled (not violent or obsessive), it can show the person they are loved and cherished - I'm sure we all like to feel like someone appreciates us enough to not want to lose us. Of course, if this turns into incessant questioning, passive-aggressive behavior and meaningless fights, it stops being good for the relationship.

So, yeah, jealousy is irrational, it can turn love into rage in seconds and is more related to what one has going on in his own head than what is really happening. But most of us can't make it go away entirely, the best we can hope for is to learn to manage it, identify its absurdity and work through it with our partner... Because, in the end, it is just love expressed in a not-so-functional way and it needs only be set back on track.

SCHEINKMAN, M. (2010). Disarming Jealousy in Couples Relationships: A Multidimensional Approach SCHEINKMAN & WERNECK. Family Process, 49(4), 486-502.

Letting go versus bear-hugging someone to death

Lately I've understood this saying, perhaps truly for the first time. If you love someone, let them go... Well, you know the rest.

I've been reflecting on the idea of 'holding on to someone'... When I try to picture it, it's like that person is trying to run away and you're stopping them, grabbing on to them for dear life, because it feels like letting go would mean not seeing them again. But, how much satisfaction can one possibly get from achieving 'love' like that? Forcing someone to stay despite what they may want? Also, when you hold someone too tight, you mostly end up suffocating them.

I am the kind of person who (and perhaps this is a cultural thing, but I'll get to that on some other post), when I start dating someone, I spend as much time as I can with that person. And only in the past few years did I learn that when someone says 'I need some space' it doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to be with me or they want to go hunting for someone else...

I have especially grasped the concept that, when you love someone, if you let them go they won't necessarily run away; I mean, why would they? Someone who loves you is with you because they want to be with you, not because you're holding on to them.

In short, now I think that if you love someone, you should let them go (even if just as an experiment)... They will probably stay in the same place they were, close to you, showing you that they have more than one reason to be there... And if they do run away, you're better off - there's no point in trying to force someone to stay since, eventually, they will find a way to escape anyway.

Muegano - Bearing the distance.

So, this is a typical Mexican candy (muégano). It's little flour squares dipped in caramel and stuck together. It is also what a typical Mexican family looks like; so much, in fact, that we would call them a "Muégano family". This means that it is a family whose members are ALWAYS together and do EVERYTHING together... Of course, this also applies to friends... And couples.

Trying to read more books related to my real profession (Psychology) I happened to come across Bowlby's theory of  "Optimum Distance" - and while this may not have been a new concept for me, I saw it in a new way.

So, this theory explains that a child will always venture to walk some distance away from his or her mother up to a point. Children experiment to see how far they can go without feeling separation anxiety and, when reaching that limit, they go back to their mother to get their sense of security back (kind of like recharging it) before giving it another go. "Optimum Distance" refers to how far a child can go from their mother without feeling said anxiety. This happens as long as the child can be sure that the mother will always return (or will be easily found) after being apart from a certain amount of time. This allows the child to develop a basic security that, despite not being there, the mother will not disappear and will return when needed.

While I do not really believe in determinism in terms of how one cannot escape the consequences of our childhood, I think this can be applied quite easily to how we relate to a romantic interest...

Some couples develop a specific dependence on each other because they are afraid that distance will mean that the other person will disappear... Or at least whatever feelings they have might.

This may sound insane but it really isn't. It depends on how much they can trust that the other person will be there when they come back. Someone who is always threatening with "if you do that again, I will leave you", or disappears without warning at random intervals, fosters an insecurity in the other person that they might go away at any time. The frequency of the meetings is not what is important, but rather the security that they will meet again and all the things they share will be there when they do.

I have found that, in Mexico, it is very common for this 'Optimum Distance' to be very short... And, considering how most people grow in a household where all members of the family seem to be stuck together by some apparently sweet but incarcerating caramel layer, it really isn't much of a wonder.

As much as you love someone, you cannot (and should not) be together 24/7, we all need our space and, without such, there wouldn't be much to share with your partner either. It's all about being able to trust that the other person will be there and learning to negotiate that Optimum Distance at which both can feel free to continue with their lives without feeling like the other person is so far that they cannot see them anymore.

It is awesome when you get to a point in a relationship when either can ask for some space without feeling guilty or anxious... It gives the couple a sense of freedom and independence which, far from creating a gap between them, strengthens their bond since their relationship does not depend only on being together, but on something beyond that. Being able to have their separate lives and share them to create something new.

The flavor of life

Standing at the end of a story that ended too soon - or rather, just when it was meant to.

In the past month I loved, lived, cried, sang, hugged, kissed.. With a passion I hadn't in years. A love meant to end, a relationship that was not to be, and yet it was.

During this time, I also came across many people who did not understand why I would put my heart in a seemingly "pointless relationship" (sic). These people told me that they did not believe in 'Disney' love; love, they said, is a companionship, a relationship through which two people share a common project. And I agree completely.

However, isn't that also a friendship? Or just a partnership? I believe love is made of all these things as well... But, like the Gestalt theory suggests, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Then again, I've heard people say that such feelings (which develop so quickly) can't be 'real love'... That makes me wonder, 'what is REAL love?' Why can't we let ourselves be reckless for a while, allowing a feeling to take us over and show us a whole new world?

I live by the idea that everything in this world has a price, and we need to pay exactly that - no more and no less. I know so many people who say they want to find someone to love and who will love them back, and yet they are not willing to pay the price! I think that the cost of such a relationship is, mainly, getting out of your comfort zone and betting your heart. Actually, once I heard someone say that "to receive a certain amount of happiness, you have to pay with an equal amount of unhappiness" - and while it might sound a bit extreme, I'd say it makes a lot of sense. A connection with someone that makes you smile like never before can, by definition, access that part of you which can make you cry like never before.

And isn't it worth it?

Quoting Rose (from Gypsy) "Some people can get a thrill, knitting sweaters and sitting still; that's peachy for some people who don't know they're alive! But I at least gotta try!".

Love is meant to be felt, not understood. Someone who brings you a feeling of completeness, who makes you smile just by thinking about them, whose goodbye feels like a part of you is being torn... Someone like that... Why let them just pass you by?

Someone asked me some time ago how it was that I had long term relationships and always managed to find someone who wanted that. I think it's because I take the risk; I've seen what loving someone is like.. I've felt what it's like to be loved. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing (and certainly not fear), that could keep me from trying to get that again. It's too precious a feeling to undermine just because it 'might not last'. If the person goes away, if it doesn't work, I'll still have those fond memories with me for as long as I live... And, if you're the kind of person who believes in the afterlife, maybe even after I die.

So, why did I say it was too soon? Because I wish it had lasted forever. Why did I then correct myself and say it was when it was how it was meant to be? Well, what I want is not always what I need, right? The timing was right for the time we had. And, if it really is meant to be, well... The world is not that big anymore... And time goes by quite quickly... Things can happen... And things can change... At their own pace.

This relationship gave me more than I could have asked for and helped me realize that, yes, I can still fall in love. I have no regrets.

Gay Acapulco

Or perhaps not so much... 

In the Summer of 2013, I went to Acapulco with someone and we stayed at a gay resort called Casa Condesa. It was nice enough, even if a little too gay (the sight of a naked guy sprawled next to the pool as you go in kind of caught me off guard). Still, that was not the thing that I found the most disturbing, or the fact that the receptionist guy kept hinting at it 'being okay for us to bring other people into the room', but that we were advised to go to a specific place when going to the beach so we would have 'no problems'.

As it turns out, or at least according to what the people at this resort said, gay men holding hands, kissing or showing 'gay' affection (lol) are arrested and taken away - I doubt it gets serious at all, the 'police' are most likely just looking for some extra cash.

So we went to this place on the coast called "Beto's" and we were told to look for a specific waiter... It felt like we were doing work for the mafia or something! It was a nice enough place, there was a big, tacky family there (which was rather annoying) but eventually we were surrounded by gay people, which made me feel safer.

It's odd how one gets so used to being free and loses sight of how other parts of the world -hell, my own country!- work. Here in Mexico City I am very open about my being gay... I actually don't even think about it anymore. I hold hands with my lover, kiss and hold them as much as I want (of course, within the level of reason and decency); sure, some people stare but I have learned to ignore them.

In the end, in Acapulco, I was a bit careful and decided to play by the rules... While I would normally not let people tell me where I can or cannot show affection to the person I'm with, there was another factor to consider: the insecurity.

Many people think that Mexico City is dangerous and you can get killed, kidnapped or whatever in every corner. This is NOT true. And when I was told that Acapulco was also a dangerous city I took it with a grain of salt... Until Sunday.

So, we took the (uncannily slow) bus to the terminal to get our tickets to come back to the city. As we were going along the coast, we saw a LOT of people standing outside a mall, along with some police cars and many officers. The driver's companion (sometimes random guys hang out with the drivers... It's all very weird) got off to check out what was happening, when he got back on he said "oh, it's just a bomb, but it didn't go off" and they just kept going along as if it were the most common thing in the world. 

I was, of course, shocked. On our way back, we took a taxi and I asked him if he knew what had happened. He said it could've been that they were shooting a soap or something, or perhaps a bomb, which was unlikely since he didn't hear an explosion or anything.

The way this people seemed so use to such an event left me baffled. And it also made me think twice about finding out whether they really were as closed to sexual diversity as they said.

The L word... Not lesbian-related, by the way!

No, it's not Lesbian... I've never even seen that show! I just found it an appropriate title for this entry.

Once, after saying "I'm in love!" someone said to me "well, you fall in love every 15 minutes"... At first, I was offended and it even got me thinking whether it was true, but not long after I realized some things: firstly, I do not fall in love every 15 minutes, however I am very intense when I like someone; secondly, what if I did?

I have met so many people who live in panic of saying or hearing the 'l' word. Why is it so hard for people to say that word? Some responses are "because it's not REAL love" or "you don't really mean it"... And while I agree that someone who says they love you and want to move in with you on the second date should be sent to therapy, I think that keeping yourself from telling someone how you feel because of how they MIGHT react is also mental.

About 6 years ago, while dating the guy with whom I've had my longest relationship, I came to the conclusion that my feelings themselves were what mattered... We went to a restaurant and I told him "I need to tell you something... And, don't worry, I don't need you to say it back, I know you don't feel it yet; I have waited until being at the point where I don't need you to say it for me to feel fine" and then I told him I loved him. He cried and said he was very happy to hear it and he didn't love me back... Yet... A couple of months later he said it and we were together for 4 and a half years.

There are many reasons for people to say 'I love you', like getting laid, getting someone to do something they're not too enthusiastic about, to hear it back, to feel needed, etc. But I think that when you say it just because you feel it, with no other objective but to let the other person know, then there's no way you can lose...

So, my advice? If you feel something for someone... TELL THEM SO! Don't be afraid to say 'I love you'! So what if you say it to many people? It just means you have a great capacity to love! And let people criticize you, it's just a reminder that they can't feel what you do... 

We should be less worried about loving people forever and more concerned with loving people NOW! If you wait too long, it might be too late.

Playing the game

Dude: "So, did you have a good time?"

Me: "No, not really. We don't seem to have much in common. But thanks! Good luck!"

Seriously, after alternating between staring blankly into space and one-syllable semi-dialogues, it's kind of obvious, isn't it? And, in my mind, I'm thinking he must have been feeling the same way; and yet, they feel like I'm too rough.

But isn't that nicer than an 'oh, sure, I'll call you!" and then deleting their info from your cell?

I think the opposite is also true, when you go out with someone you really like, there's nothing wrong with calling the next day. Some people have told me it's best to wait and 'play it cool'... Well, while it IS fun every now and then, I don't really see the point of these odd social interaction rules.

There's another unspoken rule I find rather off-putting: beating around the bush instead of saying what you want. I mean, I am not saying I like having a chat window open with tasteless sexual offers (also, there's nothing wrong with being horny AND civilized!) but the whole "I want to be friends" when your profile pic shows your bare ass is not very convincing, is it?

I guess I never really learned to play the game. I have seen how being a bastard makes people be more attracted to you... I have been on both sides. But I find it such a waste of time! When you find someone that awakens that little light in your heart and stirs your insides, why not let them know? 

Oh, wait, I know! "I'm afraid I'll get hurt" or "what if he uses that against me?"... Well, I say "so, what?" You're going to be anxious and obsessing over it anyway, right? It's not like you can just turn your feelings off. Instead you're stuck in the same place feeling uneasy and, perhaps, hurting yourself with stupid ideas. Why not just take the chance and the risk? 

I know many people who prefer to live on the safe side. Not getting too involved, superficially dating people getting as little as possible to satisfy their need for closeness without risking being hurt. Living anesthetised, unable to feel. 

Very recently, I fell in love. Hard. With someone with whom, I knew, I couldn't have a lasting relationship; and yet, I prefer to live a month, or a week, deeply in love, intensely, letting it fill my whole being. True, the price for such a heavenly feeling is, of course, equivalent. Whatever you get in life, I think, you need to pay for. If you want to live blissful love, you need to work and pay accordingly - emotionally speaking. Is it rough? Does it hurt? Do you feel like you're dying inside when it's over? Yes. Is it worth it? I believe so. When I say that I lived a week being happy as I have ever been, isn't it logical that losing it would give me an unhappiness equally as strong? 

One cannot expect to find a love to die for by offering only what is safe to give. You get what you pay for, no more and, of course, no less.

About bears and rejection.

You're not fat enough.

You're not hairy enough.

You're not big enough.

Your beard is not thick enough.

You're not (insert other options here) enough.

Ever heard any of this from a bear? 

This is one thing I have never quite understood. I don't know how common this is in other countries but it is very frequent in Mexico City.

What bugs me about it is the incoherence of it all. Just last week I was talking to a student about how, when I was in secondary school, I felt so ashamed of my body because I thought I was 'too thin'; today I know I'm not but it took years of work to realize it! However, I still remember the feeling of rejection and of 'not quite fitting in'... More than that, I have come to understand how stupid is to be rude to somebody or judge them just because they don't meet the requirements of 'beauty' that society has established.

Now, that being said, I also remember those other guys who were also bullied because of their weight, but because they were chubby instead... 

As far as I understand, the bear community was formed by those guys and for that exact same reason. I believe it was in order for those who felt rejected to have a place to belong to... Especially those who did not really fit the 'magazine-gay' stereotype... Why, then, are there some bears who insist on doing that? 

I must admit I do have some issues with guys who are feminine to the point of wearing girls' clothes or make-up, and while I wouldn't date them or want to look like them, it doesn't mean I'm rude to them. 

Now, I am, of course, not talking about everyone. I have a wonderful circle of bear friends who I love a lot; I have also met many friendly bears who practice what they preach. In fact, when I went to Washington D.C., I was welcomed rather warmly despite not being big and furry! I even found out that, while not a bear, I can still be part of the community as a wolf or a chaser! Even women are accepted and, sometimes, called 'goldilocks'!

So, yeah, I think we're doing something really wrong here in Mexico. And I also think it's the reason why it's so hard for the bear community to grow and become stronger.

Looking for a bear prince...(ss?)

Setting aside the issue of masculinity as expressed through mannerisms, way of speaking or clothing, there is another social instance in which people from the bear community (and other gay groups) seem to face; it's something I like to call the 'prince-princess complex'.

While I'm sure that someone else might've already done some research into this, here I just want to publish my own views on the matter.

In Mexico (as in may other countries, but I shall speak of my experience) cheuvanism and 'macho' beliefs are practically burnt into our brains from the moment we are born. Those 'you should's and 'you must's go way beyond what many of us can even imagine. Ideas such as that the guy is the one who pays for dinner, the one who picks the girl up for a date, the one who proposes and the one who makes the first move, are not something we can get rid of easily.

Now, when a guy decides to stay on one extreme, either playing the feminine or masculine role (and let me clarify that this has absolutely nothing to do with appearance, sexual role or any other characteristic rather than simple social interaction) it becomes rather easy, since they need only find someone who feels comfortable playing the other role. However, some of us are caught in the middle and can get confused thinking we want everything!

Once someone asked me whether I wanted to get married, I answered that I did and that I also had high expectations for a marriage proposal... And then, it hit me. I both wanted to be the one holding the ring AND the one receiving it. Odd, huh?

This may sound pretty silly, but I have seen people such as myself who have issues on dates since they both feel the need to pay the bill and a secret longing to be treated. Or even in bed, while sleeping, people who like to wrap their arms around their loved one protectively but, at the same time, feel like they want to be held and pampered.

In the end, of course, it all comes down to us following stereotypes that were not only meant for a heterosexual relationship, but don't even work for them! The prince-princess dilemma imposes specific 'needs' and 'obligations' on each gender, based of course on their sex, regardless of what they might actually want. I mean, who says that there always has to be one person who 'saves' the other one? Why can't it be a reciprocal thing where both help each other in times of need? Who decided that a marriage proposal is necessarily from a 'man to a woman'? Why can't it be something mutual in which both share in that wonderful experience?

I believe part of the issue the bear community has, in Mexico at least, is that it has forgotten that the main idea behind the creation of this group was to avoid discrimination based on stereotypes - NOT to make new ones! The bear community is supposed to show the world that gay men can also (and this is the keyword here, also not instead) be 'masculine'; but I think this should be an inclusive concept, taking into account the aspects that society typically categorizes as feminine and merging them.

Not long ago I heard a report on the fairy tale whose cover I used as illustration for this post. I was really excited about it since I think it's high time these kind of stories become more popular, our social roles and sex-based gender roles need updating... Urgently!