Kiss those calories away!

Yeah, maybe you can't. You know what they say, you want a man to gain weight, get him married. Or is it because some people just stop kissing after getting married? Hmmm... Anyway, I came across an article that seems to think otherwise...

Supposedly, kissing burns about 2 calories per minute... Yup, I know what you're thinking, best workout plan ever? They also say that it helps tone your facial muscles and boost the immune system... For the full article go to this website:

http://health.indiatimes.com/articleshow/msid-1194640,curpg-1.cms

Still, whether all that is true or not, it still got me thinking about the deed itself. When you think about it... It's kind of weird... Saliva, tongues, lips... And yet... Romantic...

Once I heard a philosopher say that nowadays people think of their bodies as 'a way to transport their heads'; we are so disconnected from our bodies, that I believe we think of ourselves as that alien from Men In Black that was actually a tiny creature controlling a mechanical body using the head as his control room. 

I mean, think about it, how often do you think as your limbs as yourself and not just 'a part of yourself'? The perception of our 'self' is normally limited to our minds/heads, I think this is what can make kissing such a passionate thing. Joining the part of yourself you are most aware of, letting someone past your normal barriers and get as close to you as possible.

Does it relieve stress? Hell yeah! Never mind the release of dopamine, serotonin and whatever other chemicals that act in your brain, it makes you forget the world around you exists and helps melt your worries away! (...When done right).

So, does it burn calories? I don't really know... But perhaps it's worth trying? Hehehe... I know I have put on a bit of weight since my fiancé has been away... Hmmm... Perhaps that's why? 

Waiting is an 'action' verb

As I wait for the time when I can see my partner again (a month or so... And then another month before I can move in with him) I have gone through many different stages... Mainly unpleasant, frustrating and conflictive ones.

I have always taken pride in the fact that I don't shy away from a challenge - in fact, I like complicated situations that push me to do more than I usually do - I am a hopeless workaholic and I always try to do the best that I can... But when it comes to 'waiting'... Ah, that's my weak spot.

I always thought that waiting was a passive state in which you were helpless, completely at the mercy of the universe without the possibility to actually do anything. I would feel frustrated and anxious, clenching my jaw constantly without realizing it, feeling all my muscles tense and my mind racing, obsessing with all the possible outcomes. No matter what I was doing and despite the fact that I work from dusk till dawn (and later), my hyperactive mind didn't seem to know how to stop.

Today I realized something. Waiting is not a passive thing. Waiting for something is fostering, or rather protecting the hope you harbor for something. Beyond what you do to achieve your goal, sometimes it's more important to keep that hope safe, like a little light inside you. Despair is a very powerful feeling when you let it in, and it will quickly tarnish your hope turning into premature grief. That is what makes waiting hard, the constant thought that your wish won't come true, that all your work will go to waste.

How about making sure it won't?

Even if, in the end, things don't turn out the way you wanted them to, it doesn't mean that you can just sit and watch your hope be swallowed by those dark feelings (frustration, fear, despair). There is something you can do while you wait. Something of utmost importance and that requires action. Keep that hope alive. It's not easy. It takes a lot of work. But it's worth it. And it can be done.

Behind a broken heart

In secondary school, I had this Physics teacher who had a very interesting way of explaining the concept of 'broken'. He would take a wrinkled piece of paper out of his briefcase, smooth it out, crumple it up again and say "there, I broke it". He explained that breaking something doesn't necessarily mean tearing it up in pieces, but rather changing it in a way that it cannot be brought back to its original shape.

This made the whole 'heartbreak' concept a lot easier to understand for me. While there are many causes for this (a breakup, a disappointment, the death of someone), the result is the same: you are left with a void-like feeling in your chest that makes you feel surrounded by darkness and despair.

After that, you will never be the same again... And that is not always a bad thing.

Instead of thinking of a heart as something rigid and fragile, like glass, I think it's more like dough. It constantly changes its shape and morphs depending on who touches it and how they do so. Still, if you give it to someone who modifies it into something you don't like or that hurts you, you cannot mold it back to the way it was before, no matter how hard you try... And why would you? Wouldn't it be more fun to find a new shape you might like even more?

When I see it this way, it makes it easier for me to open up to people and be less afraid of being hurt. Of course, there will be times when I will feel pain but now I know it will just be an opportunity to see a new shape of my heart.

Healthy Love

That's what everybody wants, right? That's why Psychologists like me have work, actually... And why people buy those cheap, tacky magazines with the 20 question test that can tell you if you have a 'codependent' relationship. Also, it is rather in fashion to watch all those shows that give you tips on how to have a 'healthy' relationship... Most of which, I think, should have informercials instead of regular commercials... Very often, those shows only present utopic, ideal relationships which only Buddha would have.

It's funny how there seems to be a generalized concept of what is the ideal relationship; the one that can make you happy and, if you read this book or that, you'll find the recipe for it. Well, what if you don't really want something like that?

The concept of 'health' itself has changed in the last few years; before, it was considered 'the absence of illness or disease' whereas now it is 'the physical, mental and emotional well-being of a person'. And, no, it is not the same thing.

A relationship can be free of jealousy, deceit, arguments and problems, and still be awful... On the other hand, the presence of these factors doesn't necessarily indicate that the relationship is faulty or destructive.

When you start a new relationship, have your friends ever made comments like "you shouldn't see each other so much", " you shouldn't show you care so much", "you shouldn't be so jealous", etc. etc. It's like everyone has advice on how to have the perfect relationship - and yet, how many of those actually have it?  In fact, most of those comments only reflect what most of them are afraid of or are doing themselves, and have very little to do with you or your relationship.

In the end, I believe 'healthy love' is that which leads you to create something new in your life. To grow and make the union of the two something bigger than what they are on their own. If you're jealous, distant, cold, affectionate, intellectual, monogamous, polyamorous, etc. What does it matter as long as it makes you happy?

Gay love through the generations...

One of those things that I've rarely thought about even though most of my relationships have been with people at least 10 years older than me: How has the idea of 'love' changed through time? How does it affect what people look for and how they pursue it?

I was talking with a good friend about this and he had some very interesting ideas...

Starting with the way gay people have had to behave depending on the culture of the era. Not that many years ago, gay life was still pretty covert; people had to sneak around, hide, live in fear of being discovered and hardly being able to actually share anything with another person. So, perhaps, the focus was not so much on having a relationship (that was way too much work and, sometimes, just not possible), but rather on sex. While straight people where being taught that they had to meet someone they could spend the rest of their lives with, have babies and take to family parties, gay people had to lead double lives or look for someone they could find some relief with. We, as homosexuals, are not taught to look for the intimacy and permanence of an actual relationship. In some cheuvanistic cultures (like some places in Mexico), it is even okay to have a male lover as long as 'nobody knows about it and you get married to a woman'.

A bit later on, people who were born after Stonewall, pride and this whole diversity revolution... Well, we have it a bit easier. We are the ones who go out and hold hands with our lovers while walking down the street, face bullies and come out to our parents and try to teach them that "it's okay". We're like the 'transition generation'. We are able to, with some important effort still, have a relationship which is moderately acceptable in society and, more importantly, in our own social circles.

But, what happens when these two generations try to establish a relationship? When these two ideologies have to, somehow, coexist and adapt to each other?

Let's see. The one, while also yearning for companion, someone to share their lives with, has had to make it through the 'dark side of the street', so to speak. While we have had the chance to step into the other side...

Now, I don't want to generalize. There are always exceptions and there is no way I can speak for everybody. But this all just made me wonder if the concept of a 'romantic relationship' hasn't changed dramatically? Or enough to pose a problem for these combinations? Is my generation a bit more open to intimacy because we have been allowed to do it more openly? And have we stopped looking at sex as a union with somebody else because it is so easy to get? Or perhaps it's the other way around and we aren't really looking for that intimacy and just mistake it for sex. Maybe, people in the previous generation can separate love and sex more easily since the former was more rare and difficult to achieve? 

One thing I know for sure. Those of us who are relationship-oriented (and even those who say they aren't), are looking for someone to share our lives with; someone to love and be loved by. I'm a bit too romantic for my own good and I do believe that love can get you through anything. All those differences age, race, distance and other factors bring can be overcome as long as both people can communicate and are willing to compromise.

Faithful

"You're faithful because you want to be, not because the other person is going to, necessarily. I mean, in the end, if your partner cheats on you and you don't, it's pretty much on yourself and has nothing to do with him - you chose to act in a certain way because you wanted to". Or so my therapist said.

This is a very interesting approach to monogamy. I've heard, and perhaps I myself have considered, that one is faithful because 'you wouldn't want your partner to do that to you', right? But this brings you to a most difficult issue: does this mean that you would cheat in case your partner did it too?

Recently I read that 'commitment' is the state in which the person goes from a passive to an active role in a relationship, thus promoting the development and stability of it. Therefore, it means that people who are committed to a relationship need to take action to make it last and stay strong. It's not just about letting things happen, it's taking things into your hands and doing whatever you can to build a strong foundation for the relationship to survive whatever comes its way.

I believe, also, that being 'faithful' means different things to everyone, and a key factor for a relationship to work out is for both parties to agree in such concepts.  When both parts are playing the game with the same 'rules', it is harder for it to present any issues which could later hinder the relationship and bring about dreadful misunderstandings

In other words, if you think that cheating on your partner is reduced exclusively to the main standard of monogamy, you need to let them know so! What if they're not so much into sex but rather the emotional quality of the relationship? Or viceversa? Sometimes we think it is 'obvious', but it really is not.

Sex is really easy to get, so much that its value has gone down quite drastically. But what about love? What about intimacy and affection? It's true that you can just sleep with the first guy you meet on the street... And yet, I believe that when you are aware of what you want, it does not matter how hot or charming the new person might be, the love you have for your partner goes way beyond that.

Suspicious minds

Often condemned, rarely appreciated and mostly troublesome, this emotion seems to give lots of people a terrible headache. But, is it 'bad'? Is it 'normal'? Can we control it and does it mean anything if your partner is not jealous of you?

To my mind, it is nearly impossible to trust your partner one hundred percent; I mean, to the point that you are absolutely certain that there is no way that this person would ever stray from the path that has been set. We are all humans and we all make mistakes, so what makes it impossible for your partner not to do so?

In a way, I think that some degree of jealousy is healthy for a relationship. It shows that you are not taken for granted, that your absence would be more than just 'noted'... Then, again, I said 'some degree' of jealousy - when someone is checking your e-mails, texts and can't stand to let you out of their sight, well, that just becomes creepy.

Recently I read an article on this, defining jealousy as the feeling of the threat of real or potential rivals to an existing relationship. Not that any of us are alien to this feeling, but there was something else that caught my eye. These researchers were proposing the idea of two kinds of jealousy: 'reactive jealousy' and 'suspicious jealousy'.

Reactive jealousy happens when there is something external that makes you feel threatened; for example, when your partner has cheated on you. This type of jealousy is characterized by anger, sadness and fear. Whereas suspicious jealousy is more related to insecurity and self-esteem, and is more characterized by anxiety, insecurity and doubt.

While this makes a LOT of sense, it seems odd how different they actually are and what discrepant reactions they provoke. I mean, when someone cheats on you, it is only normal that you'd be pretty pissed off, right? Or sad because the person disappointed you... However, I don't think this is the most common form of jealousy...

Somehow, I think that mostly people (like me) suffer from suspicious jealousy. The idea of what 'might' happen but not because of what the other person could or not do, but rather because our mind creates an infinite number of stories that, while possible, aren't necessarily probable.

So, when you tell somebody you're jealous and that person asks what they can do to help you feel more confident... It's not always something that they can do. Because they can tell you they love you, give you proof they do, even get a tattoo of your face on their butt and it would STILL not help you feel less jealous! Why? Because, if it's suspicious jealousy, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with them!

The only thing that happens in these cases is that the jealous person feels anxious and insecure, which brings stress into the relationship, and their partner feel like nothing they ever do is enough, even when they try to comply with any demands that the jealous partner might make!

In the end, I think that reactive jealousy is normal and can even be beneficial for a relationship, giving the person the feeling that they are important enough to take care of... As long as it's not psycho. And if there's good communication between the couple then there's no reason why it should be a problem at all. On the other hand, suspicious jealousy is something that the person has to work with on their own; sure, their partner can help by understanding how it is not about their behavior per se, but rather some issues which are more personal and less related to the relationship itself. This means that the jealous partner should understand that, while their partner can be supportive, their behavior will not necessarily make them feel better or worse.

This could be a relief, in fact, for some people. Knowing that your partner is jealous because of their own insecurities releases you from the "responsibility" of provoking such an emotion and gives you the opportunity to be there for them in a whole other way.

The injured lover's hell, the green eyed monster...

"Born in love but propelled by rage, jealousy is a complex relational experience. It is a

visceral fear of loss, a set of paradoxical feelings and thoughts, an action and a reaction. Milton referred to it as the ‘‘injured lover’s hell,’’ Shakespeare, as the ‘‘green eyed monster’’ that destroys love and annihilates the beloved person. The 19th century Brazilian writer Machado de Assis described it as a ‘‘doubt,’’ a twilight between fantasy and reality, that drives a person into madness"

So, while going through some articles online I came across this one, and I found the definition breathtaking... Not only is it so poetic it makes it sound beautiful in an odd way, but I believe it defines that feeling so accurately I could never match it.

At one point, before I started this new relationship I'm in, I thought I had overcome that feeling and was rid of it for good - I couldn't have been more wrong... And yet, who's to say that some jealousy isn't healthy? Looking back I have come to realize I have only stopped feeling jealous altogether when I am not afraid I will lose the person I love - this can either mean that I don't really care or that I'm being arrogant.

At one point I was in a relationship with someone who I was pretty sure wouldn't leave me, no matter what I did. My indifference towards his absence was proportional to the intensity of the happiness that relationship brought me - in simpler words, I didn't care much if he left because he wasn't bringing much into my life anyway. 

Now, how do people normally react when they're jealous? Well, the article I'm quoting goes on:

The experience of jealousy tends

to arise without warning at a particular moment when one partner behaves in a way

that stirs up a fear of betrayal in the other. To manage the anxieties engendered, the

jealous partner may become sullen, inquisitive, or aggressive.

Ok, so I'm interested in the partner "stirring up" a fear of betrayal... This, of course, does not mean that they actually betrayed anyone, they just disturbed a sleeping monster that was already there! Like the author says "Some of the vulnerabilities that typically underlie jealousy are: a need to be recognized as the most special person in the life of the partner, fears of abandonment and betrayal, and feelings of inadequacy in which the person feels unattractive or unworthy". Are you relating to any of this yet?

The experience of the jealous person resembles a trance-like state characterized by

intrusive fantasies and fears, compulsiveness, and irrational associations.

I love that, a "trance-like" state. Have you ever found yourself going on a jealous rant while inside your head you're like "but this is stupid, I'm being silly"... And yet, there's no way to stop it once it gets going...

The French

philosopher Roland Barthes speaks of the contradictions involved: ‘‘As a jealous man,

I suffer four times over: because I am jealous, because I blame myself for being so,

because I fear that my jealousy will wound the other, because I allow myself to be

subject to a banality: I suffer from being excluded, from being aggressive, from being

crazy, and from being common’’

And one ends up having an internal battle on top of the one going on with their partner, stuck in an ambivalence that seems to eat him up.

The article goes on, explaining how this can be treated... But it doesn't mean that everyone's going to pull an Othelo on their partner just because they have wandering eyes!

I prefer to put a more positive spin on this. When jealousy is controlled (not violent or obsessive), it can show the person they are loved and cherished - I'm sure we all like to feel like someone appreciates us enough to not want to lose us. Of course, if this turns into incessant questioning, passive-aggressive behavior and meaningless fights, it stops being good for the relationship.

So, yeah, jealousy is irrational, it can turn love into rage in seconds and is more related to what one has going on in his own head than what is really happening. But most of us can't make it go away entirely, the best we can hope for is to learn to manage it, identify its absurdity and work through it with our partner... Because, in the end, it is just love expressed in a not-so-functional way and it needs only be set back on track.

SCHEINKMAN, M. (2010). Disarming Jealousy in Couples Relationships: A Multidimensional Approach SCHEINKMAN & WERNECK. Family Process, 49(4), 486-502.

Muegano - Bearing the distance.

So, this is a typical Mexican candy (muégano). It's little flour squares dipped in caramel and stuck together. It is also what a typical Mexican family looks like; so much, in fact, that we would call them a "Muégano family". This means that it is a family whose members are ALWAYS together and do EVERYTHING together... Of course, this also applies to friends... And couples.

Trying to read more books related to my real profession (Psychology) I happened to come across Bowlby's theory of  "Optimum Distance" - and while this may not have been a new concept for me, I saw it in a new way.

So, this theory explains that a child will always venture to walk some distance away from his or her mother up to a point. Children experiment to see how far they can go without feeling separation anxiety and, when reaching that limit, they go back to their mother to get their sense of security back (kind of like recharging it) before giving it another go. "Optimum Distance" refers to how far a child can go from their mother without feeling said anxiety. This happens as long as the child can be sure that the mother will always return (or will be easily found) after being apart from a certain amount of time. This allows the child to develop a basic security that, despite not being there, the mother will not disappear and will return when needed.

While I do not really believe in determinism in terms of how one cannot escape the consequences of our childhood, I think this can be applied quite easily to how we relate to a romantic interest...

Some couples develop a specific dependence on each other because they are afraid that distance will mean that the other person will disappear... Or at least whatever feelings they have might.

This may sound insane but it really isn't. It depends on how much they can trust that the other person will be there when they come back. Someone who is always threatening with "if you do that again, I will leave you", or disappears without warning at random intervals, fosters an insecurity in the other person that they might go away at any time. The frequency of the meetings is not what is important, but rather the security that they will meet again and all the things they share will be there when they do.

I have found that, in Mexico, it is very common for this 'Optimum Distance' to be very short... And, considering how most people grow in a household where all members of the family seem to be stuck together by some apparently sweet but incarcerating caramel layer, it really isn't much of a wonder.

As much as you love someone, you cannot (and should not) be together 24/7, we all need our space and, without such, there wouldn't be much to share with your partner either. It's all about being able to trust that the other person will be there and learning to negotiate that Optimum Distance at which both can feel free to continue with their lives without feeling like the other person is so far that they cannot see them anymore.

It is awesome when you get to a point in a relationship when either can ask for some space without feeling guilty or anxious... It gives the couple a sense of freedom and independence which, far from creating a gap between them, strengthens their bond since their relationship does not depend only on being together, but on something beyond that. Being able to have their separate lives and share them to create something new.

Of love and... Trust.

What happens when you go back to that kind of relationship teens have? You know, when you just want to be with that person all the time, despite knowing better; when you have that undeniable ache in your chest brought about by the possible redirection of your lover's gaze - also known as jealousy.

I am an adult and a psychologist, so one would expect I could handle these things quite well; after all, I have done it in the past!

It's funny going back to feeling that little ache in my chest. Mostly because today I know, rationally of course, the 'best' way to go about this situation... But I forgot that emotions care little about what my brain says!

In a book I read that one cannot learn to love; this is because we cannot think of every relationship as the following one, much less as a continuation of the previous one. In other words, whatever things you learned in one relationship will be of little use in the next one, mainly because it is not with the same person! So, every affair is like starting all over again. Doesn't that suck? I mean, you can definitely use some of the knowledge you acquired but very rarely will two people react in the exact same way.

Also, considering that the bear community in my country is terribly small - everybody knows everybody - and you cannot date anyone without everyone else noticing, you would think I would have learned that being with someone requires a lot of trust.

I used to think I had become quite sensible when it came to relationships... But the universe saw it fit to show me better.

Now, as I step into the uncertainty I realize that, indeed, experience and logic have absolutely nothing to do with love and relationships.

While there's no way to stop feeling jealousy or fear of losing the object of one's affection, I think that it is possible to enjoy even that. Of course, I don't mean being crazy "stalky" or violent, but rather I believe that a bit of jealousy is quite healthy and helps let the other person know that you really care about them. Moreover, the fear of being at risk means that you are investing something important in the relationship - you cannot lose anything unless you bet it first.

So, these feelings, normally associated with lack of self-confidence, can be put to good use if taken in a positive way, as part of the experience of taking the chance - the universe is reciprocal, if you want to win big, you have got to bet big.