According to him...

One of my friends was telling me the other day about how he wished he could 'meet someone who really understood him and was compatible with him, unlike his current partner'. He has been with his partner for some time now and their relationship doesn't seem to be going all that well... 

His comment made me think of that song "According to you" by Orianthi, have you ever listened to it? It's about a girl who is bitching about how her boyfriend thinks she's boring, difficult, stupid, etc.; meanwhile, some other guy thinks she's "beautiful, incredible" and "can't get her out of his head". My first thought when I heard this song was "yeah, because he doesn't live with you, bitch!"

Being a friend is a lot easier than being a partner. In a way, there's a lot less pressure on you. Many people tend to expect way too much out of the person they fall in love with: they want them to be their best friend, their lover, their confidant, their support, their companion, among many other things. And, very often, all these things are expected to happen instantly, as if by magic! Seriously? You meet someone in a bar (or on Grinder or whatever app), you are attracted to them, you spend some time with them and suddenly you are demanding that they be everything you have ever wanted? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

One of the things that I have learned through experience is that, in order for a relationship to succeed, the people involved in it need to branch out their emotional needs; you can't realistically expect one person to satisfy you in every single way (you're welcome to do it, but later don't bitch about how they weren't what you expected). Here's an example:

I am currently in a relationship with a man who doesn't especially like going out; his personality is just more the 'at home' type. Now, while I am not the party animal that can't live without going out every night, I do need to do it every now and then to blow off some steam (I teach 6th grade, so I have a lot of built up frustration and stress). In my past relationships, I would just agree to stay in and then secretly blame my partner for my being bored at home - but whose fault was that? Then I thought "well, I want to be with him and if I go out without him it is just going to push us apart". I lived with this fear/resentment for a while until I realized a very simple truth: I don't need to do everything with my partner. In fact, I need to not do everything with my partner! Such behavior only leads to friends falling out or simply losing touch as you tend to have less and less time and fewer activities to share with your friends. 

It's very healthy to go out with your friends and bitch about how your partner is at home being grumpy - very often it will also lead you to realize all the other times he's not and the many ways he makes you happy! Moreover, you take the pressure off so that when you are together you are actually doing things you both enjoy.

I still believe that being in a partnership means considering what will make the other person happy and being able to give in every now and then. And by 'give in' I don't mean reluctantly go somewhere just so you can later use it as a weapon in an argument ("you're exaggerating! I did go with you last week!"); there's very little point in 'giving in' if you're not ready to surrender your pride and open yourself to living the experience.

Slut like you

As I was reading 'The Boleyn Inheritance', I came across a chapter where Queen Anne is trying really hard to not appear slutty- I mean 'wanton', to king Henry. When night comes and sexy time begins, she just lays on her back while the king struggles to try and do what is due. After many failed attempts, she confides in one of her ladies in waiting, who suggests many different ways to seduce and entice the king: keep the candles lit and undress slowly, bend this way or that way to show him her breasts and curves, get on top and moan, among many others. This queen, however, gasps and refuses to even listen to her suggestions, arguing her morale is too high to act like a common 'whore'.

It struck me then how often I hear this happen in real life, people who are too afraid of being judged by their very own partners, unsure of how they would react if they shared their fantasies and desires. Common arguments like 'if I suggest trying role playing, he might thing I'm ridiculous', 'if I suggest a threesome, he will think I don't love him or like him enough', 'if I tell him I like the smell of his armpits, he will think I'm filthy', amongst many others.

The problem is that we rarely stop to consider the possibility that our partner might actually share the same fantasies. 

In the end, it all comes down to one thing: trust. Not only trusting that your partner will be open to, at the very least, listen to your suggestion; but rather that he or she will not judge you or shame you because of sharing your most intimate thoughts. 

I have a female friend who, after being married for a few months, told me that her sex life was 'ok' but not that enjoyable. I asked her what it was she did or what they had tried to 'spice things up' and she replied that really all they did was undress (on their own) get in bed an have coital sex... And that's all they did. Ever. No wonder she was getting bored! 

After a while, she finally got a little over her shyness and we started talking about fantasies she might have (all of which started with "I'm sure he would never do it but I would like..."). As a first step, I suggested using sexy massage oils and good lube (which they hadn't used). The funniest part was leaving the sex shop; she turned to me and said "what if somebody I know sees me?", I smiled and replied "then they will know you are having fun sex and will either be happy for you or envy you, either way, you win".

Things as simple as that can bring a huge twist to a relationship and help both partners feel satisfied in ways they might have never known before. Don't refuse to do something simply because "you have never thought about it before" or are afraid of what people might think if they found out you did it.

The truth is, we all love sex and we all have secret fantasies. If you have chosen to be with someone because you love them, don't be afraid of showing them who you truly are. You never know, you might be in for a treat.