Suspicious minds

Often condemned, rarely appreciated and mostly troublesome, this emotion seems to give lots of people a terrible headache. But, is it 'bad'? Is it 'normal'? Can we control it and does it mean anything if your partner is not jealous of you?

To my mind, it is nearly impossible to trust your partner one hundred percent; I mean, to the point that you are absolutely certain that there is no way that this person would ever stray from the path that has been set. We are all humans and we all make mistakes, so what makes it impossible for your partner not to do so?

In a way, I think that some degree of jealousy is healthy for a relationship. It shows that you are not taken for granted, that your absence would be more than just 'noted'... Then, again, I said 'some degree' of jealousy - when someone is checking your e-mails, texts and can't stand to let you out of their sight, well, that just becomes creepy.

Recently I read an article on this, defining jealousy as the feeling of the threat of real or potential rivals to an existing relationship. Not that any of us are alien to this feeling, but there was something else that caught my eye. These researchers were proposing the idea of two kinds of jealousy: 'reactive jealousy' and 'suspicious jealousy'.

Reactive jealousy happens when there is something external that makes you feel threatened; for example, when your partner has cheated on you. This type of jealousy is characterized by anger, sadness and fear. Whereas suspicious jealousy is more related to insecurity and self-esteem, and is more characterized by anxiety, insecurity and doubt.

While this makes a LOT of sense, it seems odd how different they actually are and what discrepant reactions they provoke. I mean, when someone cheats on you, it is only normal that you'd be pretty pissed off, right? Or sad because the person disappointed you... However, I don't think this is the most common form of jealousy...

Somehow, I think that mostly people (like me) suffer from suspicious jealousy. The idea of what 'might' happen but not because of what the other person could or not do, but rather because our mind creates an infinite number of stories that, while possible, aren't necessarily probable.

So, when you tell somebody you're jealous and that person asks what they can do to help you feel more confident... It's not always something that they can do. Because they can tell you they love you, give you proof they do, even get a tattoo of your face on their butt and it would STILL not help you feel less jealous! Why? Because, if it's suspicious jealousy, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with them!

The only thing that happens in these cases is that the jealous person feels anxious and insecure, which brings stress into the relationship, and their partner feel like nothing they ever do is enough, even when they try to comply with any demands that the jealous partner might make!

In the end, I think that reactive jealousy is normal and can even be beneficial for a relationship, giving the person the feeling that they are important enough to take care of... As long as it's not psycho. And if there's good communication between the couple then there's no reason why it should be a problem at all. On the other hand, suspicious jealousy is something that the person has to work with on their own; sure, their partner can help by understanding how it is not about their behavior per se, but rather some issues which are more personal and less related to the relationship itself. This means that the jealous partner should understand that, while their partner can be supportive, their behavior will not necessarily make them feel better or worse.

This could be a relief, in fact, for some people. Knowing that your partner is jealous because of their own insecurities releases you from the "responsibility" of provoking such an emotion and gives you the opportunity to be there for them in a whole other way.

Of love and like and lust...

Someone posted on Facebook the other day the following quote "The difference between lust, like and love is the same as that between 'for now', 'for a while' and 'forever'". While I think this is very romantic and awarded no less than an "awwwww" the moment I read it, I have my doubts as to whether one can put such feelings in a hierarchy as if one was a consequence of the other. 

I think of 'liking' someone as that feeling of attraction in which you want to know more about the other person, you are interested in learning the way they think, sharing the things they like and, generally, just being with that person; lust is when you find someone you have good 'chemistry' with and all you want is to get in that person's pants to enjoy the pleasures of the physical realm; and, finally, I believe that love is creation, when you want to be with someone in order to create something extraordinary - when you know you admire something in the other person and they see something worthy of being admired in you as well. I believe that love transcends the union of the two and becomes something bigger than both of them together - be it a child, a project or just the creation of a new life.

Some time ago, I remember reading an extract from Octavio Paz's "El laberinto de la soledad" ("The labyrinth of solitude) where he discussed this topic with some interesting insights. In the mexican culture (as, I think, in many others) the difference between 'love' and 'lust' is normally related to the dichotomy between seeing a woman as a prostitute or as a mother. Whilst the former can be seen as an object of pure sexual desire and someone with whom you can enjoy your deepest and darkest erotic fantasies (with no remorse or fear of judgment), the latter represents a completely opposite set of values and morals which get in the way of the previously listed ideas - mind you, I don't mean your 'own' mother, but once that person has your child, they immediately are recognized more as a mum than as a wife.

In other words, when you meet someone you feel attracted to, it is normal to have your libido at its peak, finding it easy to explore and enjoy each other's company and body. However, when the relationship takes a step forward and the individual's role evolves into a more 'nurturing' and 'caring' companion-type, it is hard for both concepts to co-exist. 

Of course, this is not always true, there are couples where their sex life evolves at the same pace as their companion-role and it becomes an experience of deep connection and intimacy... Though I find it hard to believe that most people are able to keep that flame of the unexpected curiosity alive. It is said that there comes a point where, either subconsciously or not, one starts to think of the spouse, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. as 'family'... And one doesn't fuck one's family, right? 

These are just some ideas I find quite interesting since they can be the root of a lot of relationships which feel like their interaction is changing and cannot seem to figure out how.