A Good Wolf

Nietzsche said that most people think that 'good and evil' fell from Heaven, as if it were something outside themselves; instead, it is people themselves who decide. And yet, so many of us have caught ourselves wondering whether something we want to do is 'all right'.

Many a time I've heard phrases such as "well, I'm not responsible for what others feel" and "I gotta live the moment". Most of them come from cheap self-help books that misinterpret Buddhist ideology. "I'll let the Universe do its work" doesn't mean that I can free myself from any responsibility and act recklessly.

However, I have found that there is a very simple way to know if something is 'good' or 'bad' (for lack of better words): if you are ashamed of what you are doing, if you hide your actions even from those who are closest to you, then you should think twice about it - not because of what they think, but rather for the reasons why you conceal it.

On the other hand, sometimes we don't even ask ourselves why we think something is wrong. Very often we keep habits from childhood and beliefs that weren't ever ours.

Some time ago I saw a video on TED.com where a lexicographer talks about what she calls 'The ham-butt problem" and it's something like this: she was cooking a ham and cut the ham-butt off as she always did, but this time she stopped and wondered why she did it - it was, of course, something that her mother had always done. So, she called her mother and asked her, and the response was "well, my mother always did it". They called grandma and she said "my pan was too small!".

How many beliefs, habits and who knows what else do we keep going just because it has never occurred to us that it could be any differently? I won't wear pink because it's for girls. I won't date more than one person because it's wrong. I won't talk about my sexuality because it's shameful. I won't eat that because it's bad for me - and this last one is wonderful because most of us have absolutely no idea if it's true, we just follow what commercials tell us (the same commercials that say that we must shampoo every day and use lots of toothpaste).

In the end, I think gay people have been pushed to question these ideas to a point (even more so while coming out), but most of us stop when we get to a comfortable point. Why? Isn't this like living in a house that somebody else built and decorated for us? I mean, it took me years to realize that I love purple and that I want to decorate my bedroom with that color! We can't really destroy the 'house' or the core of who we are, but the decoration - the beliefs, habits, ideologies - we have, we can question, arrange, rearrange and change until we feel satisfied with them. So, don't take for granted that you 'know what you like and don't like' until you've put yourself to the task of questioning it!

Healthy Love

That's what everybody wants, right? That's why Psychologists like me have work, actually... And why people buy those cheap, tacky magazines with the 20 question test that can tell you if you have a 'codependent' relationship. Also, it is rather in fashion to watch all those shows that give you tips on how to have a 'healthy' relationship... Most of which, I think, should have informercials instead of regular commercials... Very often, those shows only present utopic, ideal relationships which only Buddha would have.

It's funny how there seems to be a generalized concept of what is the ideal relationship; the one that can make you happy and, if you read this book or that, you'll find the recipe for it. Well, what if you don't really want something like that?

The concept of 'health' itself has changed in the last few years; before, it was considered 'the absence of illness or disease' whereas now it is 'the physical, mental and emotional well-being of a person'. And, no, it is not the same thing.

A relationship can be free of jealousy, deceit, arguments and problems, and still be awful... On the other hand, the presence of these factors doesn't necessarily indicate that the relationship is faulty or destructive.

When you start a new relationship, have your friends ever made comments like "you shouldn't see each other so much", " you shouldn't show you care so much", "you shouldn't be so jealous", etc. etc. It's like everyone has advice on how to have the perfect relationship - and yet, how many of those actually have it?  In fact, most of those comments only reflect what most of them are afraid of or are doing themselves, and have very little to do with you or your relationship.

In the end, I believe 'healthy love' is that which leads you to create something new in your life. To grow and make the union of the two something bigger than what they are on their own. If you're jealous, distant, cold, affectionate, intellectual, monogamous, polyamorous, etc. What does it matter as long as it makes you happy?

Promises, promises...

I was watching Mike and Molly the other day and there was this scene that really caught my attention. In short she says that she doesn't want to tell Mike that she wants to be with him 'forever' because she doesn't want to make promises she may not be able to keep... And then he says:

"There's nothing wrong with making promises you want to keep"

Many a time I have found myself in this situation. Preventing myself from making promises about a future I am not completely certain of... And yet, I seem to fail to notice the irony in that statement - there is no way I can be certain of anything in the future!

Still, does not keeping a promise like 'I will be with you forever' undermine its value? I'd say no.

Looking back to all the promises I've made (or been made), they made me happy at the time and were very real.

Even with the ups and downs, with some stories whose endings could've been much better, I think that I would still go through it all again. 'Forever' is only the moment when you feel it - expecting anything else from it is very unreal.

In the end, promises are words that express what one desires... Of course, I am talking about these platonic promises that can in no way be kept and, rather, are symbolic representations of what one's feelings are. Promises like 'I'll see you tomorrow at 5' are more about committing and a whole other story.

Telling someone you want to be with them till the end is proof of love. Don't be afraid to do it. If it doesn't work out, it just didn't and there will be reasons for it; however, you will still have lived that eternal love even if for a moment.