A Good Wolf

Nietzsche said that most people think that 'good and evil' fell from Heaven, as if it were something outside themselves; instead, it is people themselves who decide. And yet, so many of us have caught ourselves wondering whether something we want to do is 'all right'.

Many a time I've heard phrases such as "well, I'm not responsible for what others feel" and "I gotta live the moment". Most of them come from cheap self-help books that misinterpret Buddhist ideology. "I'll let the Universe do its work" doesn't mean that I can free myself from any responsibility and act recklessly.

However, I have found that there is a very simple way to know if something is 'good' or 'bad' (for lack of better words): if you are ashamed of what you are doing, if you hide your actions even from those who are closest to you, then you should think twice about it - not because of what they think, but rather for the reasons why you conceal it.

On the other hand, sometimes we don't even ask ourselves why we think something is wrong. Very often we keep habits from childhood and beliefs that weren't ever ours.

Some time ago I saw a video on TED.com where a lexicographer talks about what she calls 'The ham-butt problem" and it's something like this: she was cooking a ham and cut the ham-butt off as she always did, but this time she stopped and wondered why she did it - it was, of course, something that her mother had always done. So, she called her mother and asked her, and the response was "well, my mother always did it". They called grandma and she said "my pan was too small!".

How many beliefs, habits and who knows what else do we keep going just because it has never occurred to us that it could be any differently? I won't wear pink because it's for girls. I won't date more than one person because it's wrong. I won't talk about my sexuality because it's shameful. I won't eat that because it's bad for me - and this last one is wonderful because most of us have absolutely no idea if it's true, we just follow what commercials tell us (the same commercials that say that we must shampoo every day and use lots of toothpaste).

In the end, I think gay people have been pushed to question these ideas to a point (even more so while coming out), but most of us stop when we get to a comfortable point. Why? Isn't this like living in a house that somebody else built and decorated for us? I mean, it took me years to realize that I love purple and that I want to decorate my bedroom with that color! We can't really destroy the 'house' or the core of who we are, but the decoration - the beliefs, habits, ideologies - we have, we can question, arrange, rearrange and change until we feel satisfied with them. So, don't take for granted that you 'know what you like and don't like' until you've put yourself to the task of questioning it!

The gap between 'Te amo' and I love you.

For a while I have been thinking about how language plays such an important role in the way people interact. Even among those who speak the same language, some concepts might be understood so differently that it could cause misunderstandings and chaos - so, of course, when two cultures clash it can get a bit complicated.

Specifically, I am interested in how Spanish and English speakers express their affection for each other, the words we use and what they mean.

Here's a scenario I consider rather typical: Two people meet, they talk for a while and one says to the other "I like you". They date for a while, feelings start to get stronger and they feel comfortable saying... What? 'I love you'?

In Spanish we have two different ways of saying 'I love you': "Te quiero" and "Te amo". And this is a BIG difference and kind of a relief since there is something between 'like' and 'love'. For us, 'Te amo', which many might consider closer to 'I love you', means a deep love for someone; something serious and strong. However, "Te quiero" is more like saying 'I want you'... It is still affection but on a different level.

The way I see it is like this, you say "me gustas" when you want to get to know someone; "te quiero" when you feel you want to be closer to that person, you 'want' them by your side, to be yours... I think love transcends that, it is a desire to see the other person happy, to share experiences and be more than what two people are when they're on their own. I don't think 'love' can hurt... Even when two people are apart, love can remain. I think it hurts when you 'want' the other person by your side, when you want them to be yours... Also, if someone said "Te amo" to me after only a few dates, I'd totally run away... LOL

Somehow, I think this can be a problem when two people with different native languages start a relationship. Especially if neither is aware of this cultural difference. Saying 'Te amo' in Spanish, at least for me, requires a lot of time of knowing the other person... And yet, I think I have come to understand 'I love you', in English, more as a 'Te quiero'... I think that, as a native speaker of Spanish, there is no way to express those feelings of love in any other way than saying: Te amo.

Of love and... Admiration.

Hard as I try, I cannot seem to recall where it was I saw this idea... I know I read it somewhere, though...

Anyway, it was something like this: For love to grow between to people and transcend the mere 'infatuation' stage, there has to be something they admire in each other. When one falls in love with someone, that person seems completely flawless and sent from Heaven; but after a couple of months, half the things you used to find adorable turn out to be annoying, illogical or simply disgusting.

So, how do some couples manage to stay together for so long? Well, some just decide to turn a blind eye towards their issues and take their frustration out by starting senseless arguments; however, there are those who find qualities in their partner which surpass those things they cannot stand. 

Nietzsche once said that for a couple's love to go beyond 'animal attraction' (which is what most people mistake for 'true love' or 'being in love'), they need to be able to create something bigger than what they are together. This could be, but isn't necessarily, a child, of course - and for most people, that's what it is... I mean, in the end, how difficult is it to 'make a child'? Raising it IS tough but by the time you're faced with that problem it's too late to turn back (if you have some decency). 

Therefore, it all comes to knowing that you can learn something from the person you're with; that he or she can make you want to be a better person and inspires you, not only to improve your life together, but also to pursue your own dreams in order to keep providing the relationship with a reciprocal contribution.

So, lately, I have found myself thinking (when I meet someone) "what can I learn from you? is there something you do that I admire?" And I don't mean being wealthy or famous; but simply by being someone who is passionate about something they do - this is, perhaps, the greatest thing a person can do for their lover...

Conversely, I think it is just as important to ask myself daily if the things I do, the life I lead, could provide inspiration or foster admiration in someone else. 

The union of two should be to create something bigger than their combined result. 

Dating

Yeah, the 'D' word... I have always been so bad at it! And now that I'm single, I find myself trying to figure out how one is supposed to do it.

I started 'dating' when I was 15, but I kind of think that didn't really count; however, after I broke up with him, it only took about a month for me to meet my first real boyfriend, whom I was with for a bit over 2 years... After him, I was single for, perhaps, a couple of months before I met my next boyfriend - I think of him as my first life partner. We dated for a while, became 'boyfriends' and lived together for a couple of years... After splitting up, I was single for a couple of months as well, until I started having a long distance relationship with an American bear, who is now my roommate.

Wow, that sounds like some sort of crazy confession, huh? But rather, I see it as a way of setting the background for the topic at hand: I have never been good at dating.

When I go out with someone, I must admit I'm pretty practical. If I feel a connection and we hit it off, then I make time and try to find ways so we can see each other often and find out whether we can turn into something else; if not, well, let's just say I see no point in going forward. Or at least that's what I used to do.

As I dive back into the dating world I realise that, not only do I lack the experience most people seem to have, but apparently I have no natural instincts to show me how to behave. I find the whole process kind of pointless in a way. The idea that you should wait after the first date so as not to seem to eager; the fact that a guy will almost always be way more interested if he thinks you are not; the ambiguity of what each person wants when they meet, etc.

While I do find it kind of exciting and fun for a bit, I think it should be way more simple... Like, you meet and you put the cards on the table, that way nobody wastes anybody's time! 

Ok, fine, I have become kind of unromantic and, apparently, I don't have as much patience for these games as I used to. But I think it's as inconsistent as those people who have profiles on websites where you meet people and say things like "looking for friends and love" on their profile while having pictures of themselves completely naked and bending over; if you're looking for sex, just say it! I think it's silly that, in this day and age, people are still so concerned about being judged for who they are or what they do - mainly concerning their sex life.

So, I have commited to stay single through the end of the year. For the first time in my life, I think I am learning to really enjoy being by myself; focusing on myself, my friends, my job, my studies... I also want to learn all that so popular, and yet obscure to me, dating code. I want to learn when to call, when not to call, the things one is supposed to say and do in order to stay in the game... While I am in it. 

I still believe that it is a pointless game but I want to immerse myself in it for a while... When I tell this to my friends they roll their eyes and say that I'll probably have a new boyfriend by the end of the month... And they might be right! But at least for now, I am willing to take a different approach.

Hmmm... Today's post was a bit all over the place... I guess I just have a lot of ideas in my mind and can't seem to organise them!

So, what do you think about the whole dating game? Are you good at it? How did you learn? ... ... And most importantly... What have you learned?