Fight right. Part 1 : Stay on topic

A: "Why don't you ever ask me what show I want to watch? You never take me into consideration! Like that time when we went to the cinema with our friends and you just assumed I wanted to see that movie! Or that time we went to the restaurant and..."

B: "I do too take you into consideration! Don't I always ask you what you want for dinner? And when we are at the bar, I get the beer you like and..."

"You ALWAYS do that!", says the first person. "Well, you ALWAYS do that other thing", says the second person. Then it just spirals on and on until nobody can really remember what they were fighting about in the first place. The fight veers away from the issue at hand and becomes something bigger for which both parts have very plausible arguments... Neither is right and neither is wrong. You can't generalize because either will always find a counter argument of one time when they did or didn't do something. 

In my opinion, having fights in a relationship is not something to worry about, it's when you don't care anymore that you should be more alert! Disagreements and occasional clashes are to be expected when two human beings who can hardly understand themselves try to understand each other.

However, these conflicts can get bigger, uglier and last for days for no apparent reason. Have you ever found yourself arguing over something as silly as 'why you didn't say thank you when he gave you a soda'? And then it just goes on to an actual fight about why you never show affection, which ends up with neither speaking for hours and going to bed angry.

Well, there are a few tricks to preventing these issues and learning to 'fight right'. I didn't come up with them myself, they're things I have learned through books and experience (both personal and professional), but they have all blended together so I'm sorry I'm not including references for this one! 

Part 1. Stay on topic

If you get upset because your partner didn't take out the trash, it doesn't matter if he never does it; what matters is that he didn't do it this one time and that is the one thing you can handle at the moment. Most couples generalize issues making them way too big to be solved with one peaceful discussion. It's like when you want to improve your house and you look at all the little details that need attention; normally, you get overwhelmed, the amount of work seems endless and you end up irritable, stressed and blocked out. When you tackle one issue at a time, things are much simpler and manageable. 

The dialogue at the beginning of this post is a good example of that. Another way that can go wrong is:

A: "You know, it bothered me that you just chose that show and didn't ask me if I wanted to see it."

B: "Well, you never tell me what you want to watch and when I ask you you always say 'whatever'."

Which would trigger another endless conflict resulting in more drama than the new season of Smash. If both parts stay on topic, it's easier to address the one thing that is causing conflict at the time.

These things might not seem to 'matter' much, but in the long run it makes a huge difference in how a couple can resolve a conflict. 

In the next few weeks, I plan to post more tips on how to improve your 'fighting' skills... Or rather, ways to solve conflicts without visualizing painful ways you could punish your partner for not agreeing with you.

Affection Currency - A short story

Matt went back home, opened the box, threw the instruction booklet away (who needs instructions nowadays? Computers are practically sentient!, he said to himself) and immediately plugged his new toy into his personal computer. Many times in the past, he had been accused of being too 'indifferent' or lacking empathy with his friends and family, when the truth was that Matt was just emotionally clumsy; however much he tried, he was not able to identify when people felt like he was giving 'too little' until it was 'too late'. Matt hoped this new gadget would help him improve that - or, better yet, correct it.

Matt felt excited about his new acquisition, he had finally been able to afford it after a long time saving up. The big tech companies had struck gold. Most people have a hard time with concepts that are too abstract and tend to misread things like 'emotions'; therefore, scientists came up with a smartphone-like device which converts them into more concrete concepts - the Affection Currency. All you have to do is link it to your Global Online Profile and this little gadget will access all your past and present relationships, reactions and interactions, creating simple graphs which can help you better understand your behavior, tendencies and areas of improvement. But, wait! There's more! This machine will keep track of your current relationships and give you feedback using 'Affection Dollars'; divided in two categories, Affection Dollars allow you to know how much energy you're investing in a relationship and how much you're actually getting back! Red Affection Dollars (Rad's) are those you receive from others and Black Affection Dollars (Bad's) are the ones you give... So, evidently, while technology seemed to be making huge leaps, marketing strategies were just as cheesy as before.

Still, nothing is ever as good as it seems. When committing to a formal, romantic relationship with someone, those two (or however many) people are required to register their new status on their devices; doing so will deactivate that specific relationship and none of the people involved in it will be able to see their Affection Dollar Flow.

Why is this? Well, it was discovered through very little (and mostly unnecessary) research that being able to track 'how much someone loved you' made a relationship too much like business and was not good for the human psyche. Also, it would probably have ended up in companies selling products with 'Affection Dollar' equivalents.

Our hero was happy with his purchase nevertheless.

The next morning, the device was up and running. Matt went through his history giddy with excitement, like a child running towards the swings on a sunny day... And it hurt as much as if he had tripped and smashed his head into the ground when he saw the screen. He realized that most of his relationships would start out red and end up black, which was not a bad thing itself when balanced, but it was definitely a tendency. "Does this mean that people start by caring about me and end up going away with just me caring for them?", Matt wondered out loud, a bit astonished. He knew he wasn't the best at showing affection but this was a little too extreme. Come to think of it, I haven't seen many of these people in a long time..., he thought as we was going through the list.

A couple of hours later, Matt was downright depressed. He had not found one relationship which seemed even remotely balanced (and no, his mother didn't count). He sat down in his living room, looking at his dog who, according to his gadget, was an emotional genius (the cat was in the other room). That was when Matt had a stroke... 

Of genius! He had been seeing this younger guy who he really liked. He had meant to ask him to make it official for some time now but had always been wary of the age difference. Or so he claimed, but it was really the fact that this guy was 'too happy'. What does that even mean, Matt? Too happy? Maybe it's just that you are too unhappy!, he heard his friends' voices in his head. "Yeah!", he said to his dog, "I'll tweak this gadget so I can see our relationship even after we're formal and registered, and then I will use it to make sure that I am giving enough!". 

Part 2 coming soon...

The Dream - A Short Story

Arael stared at his dream in the glass box.

He did this every morning as soon as he woke up and every night before going to sleep.

It seemed a tiny thing; however intense, it was still a small light floating in space, like a firefly, wandering in its translucent container. 

He had decided it was best to keep it locked away, lest it was hurt, broken or lost. He tried to take it out a few times, shyly show it to those he held dear... But glass is a fragile material. Too hard to keep clean, too hard to keep away from harm. As soon as people touched it, there would be smudges on the walls of the box. Arael would suffer and sweat from anxiety as other hands handled his most precious possession. No one seemed to be careful enough in his eyes.

Still, try as he might, he couldn't help but notice his dream was not growing. Its twinkle, persistent, constant but never changing.

One day, in the school where he taught, he saw a child playing with a light quite similar to his, though way to carelessly for his taste. 

"Aren't you afraid it'll break?", he asked the little boy.

"Why would it break?", the boy replied with big innocent eyes.

"Well, it could. That's why I keep mine in a box like this", he said as he showed the boy the little glass container.

The boy giggled and said, "Mister, you shouldn't play with glass boxes. Mommy says they break too easily!"

"Well, this is my most precious dream. It's not to play with", Arael explained, feeling a little exasperated.

"Then, what is it for?", the boy asked.

Arael was left without words. What was his dream for? If all he could do with it was look at it and fret over its safety?

On his way back home, he realized that some people were being followed by little star-like creatures. They seemed alive and full of energy. 

"Excuse me, sir," he told one of them, "what is that on your shoulder?"

"This? It's my dream!", the man responded cheerfully.

"It's really nice... I keep mine in a box, though... So, it doesn't... Break...", Arael trailed off, suddenly feeling too silly.

"Break? Funny. Mine keeps me from breaking!", the man said laughing, "It's my most precious dream. It's too strong to be broken by anybody but me".

Arael was bewildered. He looked at his glass box. Glass was fragile. Glass could be broken with little effort. None but he could keep its contents constrained. None but he could break it.

Not all bears play with dolls...

"I knew my son was gay when he was like four years old...", said a woman on the radio the other day. This had me thinking, how could you possibly know that? Did he say he liked another boy? Or perhaps she caught him kissing another boy... Well, soon after she explained she 'knew' since he liked playing with dolls instead of trucks and other toys. After hearing this, I remembered coming out to one of my friends many years ago; getting over the initial shock, he looked at me and said "just don't let me see you wearing dresses and stuff, okay?". 

Both assumptions are based in the fact that gender stereotypes are fixed in people's minds and are considered so 'natural', that there is no way they could be any different. For instance, it is 

obvious' to most people that boys play with trucks, have rough games and get dirty; conversely, girls play with dolls, are delicate and cry when they get muddy. 

This seemingly harmless way of thinking has consequences that go a lot farther than just the playground, it goes on to making it seem unnatural and inconceivable that either sex can get interested in the other's socially accepted areas.

In that case, I believe that we, homosexuals, get a chance that heterosexuals don't: we question the values set for us and actually need to go on a journey to discover who we are and what we like. Since our basic emotions are already out of the ordinary, breaking some other rules isn't much trouble for us. In other words, we are pushed to break the barriers of gender. 

We allow ourselves to enjoy both sides of the coin, we can be rough and delicate, we can drink a shot of really strong tequila or sip a fruity drink. And yet, this is not and intrinsic quality of homosexuals. It is not like being gay automatically gives you that ability, it is just something we learn.

In the end, these are all social constructs that we acquire and adapt to as we grow up and develop in our environment. None of them can be considered 'unnatural' since they are all dependent on where we are.

So, while a boy who plays with dolls may be gay, it doesn't mean that it's a fact. It just means that he is a kid who is exploring his world and his own emotions and interests, beyond the limitations of a gender stereotype which he is not yet controlled by. 

To conclude this post, I would like to describe a project a group of students did a few years ago, when I was still teaching at University level:

The task was to break a 'gender rule' in any way they wanted, document it and present it to the rest of the class. The instructions were vague on purpose in order to not interfere with their own creative process. A group formed by three girls and two boys asked if they could do a play, to which I agreed. 

The first act showed a mother with her two children, a boy and a girl; they were having breakfast and the kids were fighting and being annoying. At one point, the mother got fed up with them and sent them to their room, 'but as punishment, you will go to the other one's bedroom and stay there until I say it's okay to come out!" she yelled. The children go reluctantly. The girl goes into the boy's room and starts crying, saying it's too dirty, too messy and dark; however, soon after she comes across an action figure, a G.I. Joe type toy, and starts playing with it. At the same time, the boy is in the girl's room complaining that it's all pink and fluffy, when he finds two Barbie dolls on the floor and start playing with it as well. When the mother sees this, she is scandalized by it and quickly puts the children in their respective rooms, without realizing that each had taken the toy they had been playing with. 

This act ends with them going to sleep holding on to their 'new' toy, happy that they had the chance to find it. But it doesn't end there. 

For the second act, the children dream that each is talking to the doll. The barbies are telling the boy he's a handsome little fellow and if he'd like to stay with them; the girl's G.I. Joe says he will protect her since she is so beautiful.

In the end, the children wake up as adults, the boy's Barbie dolls have turned into real life girls and the girl's action figure is a muscular handsome man. 

They were trying to show the incongruence of such stereotypes and how it all depends on how people interpret these actions. 

It made me think about when I was a boy and used to play with action figures... I loved taking their shirts off and looking at their muscular bodies! 

Hunting for friends - first woofs.

Tonight my partner and I decided to venture out into the gay life... Or at least what little of it there is here in Connecticut! We attended a get together at the Real Art Ways hoping to network, meet some people and, in short, have a good time.

It was a pretty good crowd - quite diverse. The thing is, though, most people seemed to know each other already... Which made it kind of hard to break into the group, and neither my partner nor I are especially good at making new friends in a group of strangers. 

Ultimately, he was able to start a conversation with a guy who happened to be talking about a gay men's chorus in Hartford, making use of the fact that I adore singing and have been looking for a chance to join such a group for a while. This proved a good way to meet at least one person in the crowd... Still, I couldn't help but wonder, how do people network and meet people in this kind of group?

The best I could find doing a quick search on Google was this little article:

http://www.inc.com/patricia-fletcher/awkward-to-awesome-five-networking-tips.html

Which is all good and useful advice... Except it misses the key element. I consider myself pretty good at keeping a conversation going, I think I am able to identify what a person might be interested in talking about and all that... However, what I do NOT know is how to start the conversation. How do you break into a group that is already engaged in conversation? That's when I found this other little article (which is, by the way, a lot more useful):

http://voices.yahoo.com/six-tips-making-conversation-strangers-249209.html

I was particularly interested in the 'picturing a friend' part. In a way, I think it helps to think of the potential of a person... I mean, I did it with people I dated; in fact, I always think "would I introduce this person to my friends/family ever?". Now, with friends it's less clear, but I guess it would help if I can picture myself sharing things with that person. It's not such a clear cut, though... But it's a start, I think!

2 weeks later

It has been two weeks since I moved to Connecticut; somehow, it feels as if it's been longer than that. I guess being a city wolf all my life, the change to a small town where sidewalks are definitely not a priority for the government is making an impression on me.

One of the things that I have noticed in the short time I've been here is how difficult it is to meet people. I mean, never mind the fact that gay-life is practically non-existent here, there are very few cafes and such places where one might casually meet with friends... Or, at least, I haven't found many. 

On the other hand, we seem to be living in an area that kind of makes me think of a combination between Desperate Housewives and a small town, non-pornographic Queer As Folk. In a dinner we had with the neighbours we found out there are actually many gay couples living in the area... It's just very unlike anything I'm used to.

In Mexico, I wasn't a party animal, going to clubs, meeting guys and dancing my young days away; in fact, most of my 'partying' consisted in getting together with a group of friends at their or my apartment to talk, eat, drink and just be silly. In a way, I see how it could be this way here rather easily... The thing is, I guess, breaking into the group. 

How does one infiltrate into a group without relying on classic meeting places like bars and clubs? Or more modern alternatives like Bear411, Growlr, Scruff and other pages of the sort? And, mostly, the problem I have with websites like those is that people aren't really looking to meet others for friendship. They may claim that they are but, seriously, the first thing you see in a profile is NOT their interests and description, but their picture - let's face it, how many people have we met on there because they were interesting without really considering their appearance?

I have yet to figure this out... It's tough being new in a place like this but I'm sure I'll meet people eventually! I can't wait to have dinner parties and just get-togethers with people in the apartment!

A Wolf In Connecticut

Hey bears, chasers and other furry creatures! ... ... ... Or just people in general...

This wolf is no longer in Mexico City! I have recently relocated to Waterbury, Connecticut with my fiancé! 

Culture shock is still in process, I have only been here for a couple of days so I haven't really had time for it... I expect it to come to me in the following week though.

It's amazing how different it is here. Evidently, seasons are NOT just made up by the media to sell pumpkin pie and turkey! Here, fall actually DOES look orange and yellow!

We were at a cute french crepes place yesterday and I ordered a 'mixed berries' crepe; however, the girl said that the only berry they had was strawberry and if that was okay... I accepted and actually enjoyed it, but was nevertheless puzzled by the lack of variety... It was later explained to me that people here depend on whether the fruit is in season... 

In Mexico, we have all the fruit all the time... Most seasons look all the same, with some days colder than others; but lately it's been so random that you get hot days in winter and rainy, chilly days in summer. 

We went to a progressive dinner with the neighbours as well, which was fun. 

Still, if there is anyone here in Connecticut who'd like to be in touch and maybe hang out, let me know! I'm really looking forward to making new friends here!

Kiss those calories away!

Yeah, maybe you can't. You know what they say, you want a man to gain weight, get him married. Or is it because some people just stop kissing after getting married? Hmmm... Anyway, I came across an article that seems to think otherwise...

Supposedly, kissing burns about 2 calories per minute... Yup, I know what you're thinking, best workout plan ever? They also say that it helps tone your facial muscles and boost the immune system... For the full article go to this website:

http://health.indiatimes.com/articleshow/msid-1194640,curpg-1.cms

Still, whether all that is true or not, it still got me thinking about the deed itself. When you think about it... It's kind of weird... Saliva, tongues, lips... And yet... Romantic...

Once I heard a philosopher say that nowadays people think of their bodies as 'a way to transport their heads'; we are so disconnected from our bodies, that I believe we think of ourselves as that alien from Men In Black that was actually a tiny creature controlling a mechanical body using the head as his control room. 

I mean, think about it, how often do you think as your limbs as yourself and not just 'a part of yourself'? The perception of our 'self' is normally limited to our minds/heads, I think this is what can make kissing such a passionate thing. Joining the part of yourself you are most aware of, letting someone past your normal barriers and get as close to you as possible.

Does it relieve stress? Hell yeah! Never mind the release of dopamine, serotonin and whatever other chemicals that act in your brain, it makes you forget the world around you exists and helps melt your worries away! (...When done right).

So, does it burn calories? I don't really know... But perhaps it's worth trying? Hehehe... I know I have put on a bit of weight since my fiancé has been away... Hmmm... Perhaps that's why? 

The end

They met at the café that had been their usual the last couple of weeks... Granted, it was a very different situation. Same city, same chaos, same everything... 

Lobo had called a friend before leaving, knowing that telling someone what he was gonna do would help his resolve. "Expect a call from me in about an hour," he'd said, "I have to do this now, I'm going to that place  down the street to meet him and I'll probably need someone to comfort me afterwards."

When Lobo arrived, he saw him sitting at the café, with his laptop open in front of him and a cup of coffee on the table. Mocha, Lobo knew. Some things don't change. His heart jumped, very much against his brain's much wiser counsel. Stop. Just stop. It's getting old.

He approached the table and greeted him. No kiss, we're not there anymore. Not like we were anywhere really. But still, fondly. His smile still entranced him and made him wonder what it was in his brain... What substances God had put in his gray matter and whatever transmitters that overrode all rational thought. 

As they sat down, he told Lobo to excuse him for a few minutes, for he was in the middle of some work related stuff. "Sure, go ahead," he said. He let his gaze follow his companion's blue eyes sweeping across the screen; watched his fingers type away who-knew-what and tried with all his might to suppress the memories and the urge to keep walking - or rather running - down a road leading nowhere. He had told Lobo it had to end, they were playing with fire. And yet, here I am. Still close enough to the flame to feel the heat scalding my skin.

When he was done, they chatted for a while. As naturally as usual. The chemistry, the lingering passion still floating in the air. Nothing but an illusion. Stay focused. Fruitless thoughts of that sort kept racing through Lobo's mind; doing their best to drown the longing, the desperate need to let his feelings show, embrace the man across the table and make him understand- Understand what? Remember what you're here for.

"What are you doing now? I mean, after this" he said.

Probably going home to cry my eyes out or call one of my friends, and what's it to you anyway? 

"I'm going to go get my hair cut down by the mall." Lobo said, hesitatingly.

"Oh, good, I'm headed that way too", he replied with a smile, "I'll walk you there".

Lobo's heart sank for an instant. I miss you so much, I wish you understood that I want to be with you, regardless of what happens later. But only for an instant. No, this is good. I'll just say what I need to say before we say goodbye. It'll be easier. Faster. Cleaner. 

"But, do you mind if we stop by my place? I need to drop something off", his companion said as he was closing the laptop and finishing the mocha. 

"Sure, no problem" Lobo lied. Whatever makes you think I want to go back there? Still, there's no people there, so it'll be more private.

The place wasn't far, no more than a couple of blocks. Lobo had all but memorized the number of steps it took to get there. Every step, he felt heavier. His heart would send signals constantly. Here's where we met to go to that place, and there's where we almost decided to date again.

With every second, Lobo's decision faded a bit more. I wanted this so much. It felt so right. How can it be that it's over? He turned to see those blue eyes that now haunted his dreams. How can you be so indifferent about it?

As he stepped into the apartment he gathered his courage and decided to do it. This is good bye. 

"I need to tell you something" Lobo said. It took all his strength to keep his eyes from watering, his voice from quivering, his heart from going into kamikaze mode and abort the mission. 

His companion stared at him. Those eyes. Those damned eyes. Lobo's gaze turned downward and fixed on a spot on the floor. No, it has to be done. 

He looked up.

Their gaze locked. 

And then, Lobo felt his kiss.

Engagement

I've always been a hopeless romantic... And, yes, ever since I can remember I have dreamt about getting engaged and married. I remember fantasizing about a huge wedding with lots of guests, a spectacular event which would include me singing (of course), all my family, friends and basically everybody I have ever met; it'd take place in an incredible party hall or in a beautiful garden... etc. etc. The funny thing though, is that I never actually thought about who I'd be getting married to... Or what it meant... Or why'd I'd do it. In fact, I think this was the least of my worries. 

I spent many years wondering whether I'd propose to someone or if I'd wait for someone to propose to me... If a gay couple is supposed to follow the straight protocol of making it a surprise or if both talked about it and exchanged rings instead. This brought me to the conflict of "should I plan a big romantic event to propose? I'd love to do it! Yes, I will! But wait, I want to be proposed to as well! Grrr!!".

...And, again, I never thought of the person I'd be proposing to or why.

The answer, however, came to me last Saturday. And it was much simpler than I ever imagined. I had it backwards all along. And for a good reason too, I think.

So, my partner and I were at my cousin's wedding last Saturday. It was amazing and extra special since my family was so welcoming towards him. They interacted with us and were very happy for us being together. We drank, danced and did everything one normally does at a wedding (that goes well)...

When the evening came, my partner asked me to walk with him a little to get some air - my usual paranoid reaction being "why? is there something wrong?". Anyway, he led me away from the dance floor and all the people, to this little love seat set next to a pond. The day had finally cooled down and there was a general feeling of merriment in the air - perfect setting. We sat down and started talking about nothing in particular. And then, he did it. He took my ring from my finger (my 'commitment' ring to him), got on one knee and asked me if I would marry him. 

I looked at him and realized something unusual. There were no people around to applaud and gasp. There was no romantic violin music in the background. There was no surprise ring hidden in the cake or on the bottom of a glass of champagne. And it was then that I knew I had been waiting for the wrong thing. Being focused on all those details I had always ignored the fact that I'd been expecting things that happen on TV, or proposals that made other people happy, trying to make them my own. 

In my case, there was the man I love. That one person at whose side I have been meant to be. The one with whom I've been through so much this year, in an unlikely relationship, enduring distances that were literally across continents; my 'bullet-proof love' as my mother called it. The one I am willing to wait for and I have no problem making my one and only. He was on one knee, asking me to be his husband and take on the world together.

That's when I understood what an engagement was about. 

Of course, I said yes. (Yay! I'm getting married! ... ^_^ ... Ok, I'm back now). And then I said "of course I'll marry you... ... Ummm... There are no witnesses to the proposal!" - alcohol makes me overly direct perhaps. So, what did he do? A couple of hours later (maybe less), as I was talking with my cousins, he sneaked behind me, slipped the ring of my finger and proposed again in front of my family. If it hadn't already been perfect, that made it so.

Later I was thinking about the kind of wedding I'd like. And, for the first time in my life I thought "I don't need a big over-the-top, super expensive wedding. I need the man I love at my side. I want us to vow to be together, make it official, share it with the people I love (not with everyone I've met just for the sake of having lots of people at my wedding)."

Perhaps that's what love is really about, huh? When you realize that the things around you, the plans you make around the relationship are just pluses, decoration - and the real focus of your happiness is having that person in your life.