Not all bears play with dolls...

"I knew my son was gay when he was like four years old...", said a woman on the radio the other day. This had me thinking, how could you possibly know that? Did he say he liked another boy? Or perhaps she caught him kissing another boy... Well, soon after she explained she 'knew' since he liked playing with dolls instead of trucks and other toys. After hearing this, I remembered coming out to one of my friends many years ago; getting over the initial shock, he looked at me and said "just don't let me see you wearing dresses and stuff, okay?". 

Both assumptions are based in the fact that gender stereotypes are fixed in people's minds and are considered so 'natural', that there is no way they could be any different. For instance, it is 

obvious' to most people that boys play with trucks, have rough games and get dirty; conversely, girls play with dolls, are delicate and cry when they get muddy. 

This seemingly harmless way of thinking has consequences that go a lot farther than just the playground, it goes on to making it seem unnatural and inconceivable that either sex can get interested in the other's socially accepted areas.

In that case, I believe that we, homosexuals, get a chance that heterosexuals don't: we question the values set for us and actually need to go on a journey to discover who we are and what we like. Since our basic emotions are already out of the ordinary, breaking some other rules isn't much trouble for us. In other words, we are pushed to break the barriers of gender. 

We allow ourselves to enjoy both sides of the coin, we can be rough and delicate, we can drink a shot of really strong tequila or sip a fruity drink. And yet, this is not and intrinsic quality of homosexuals. It is not like being gay automatically gives you that ability, it is just something we learn.

In the end, these are all social constructs that we acquire and adapt to as we grow up and develop in our environment. None of them can be considered 'unnatural' since they are all dependent on where we are.

So, while a boy who plays with dolls may be gay, it doesn't mean that it's a fact. It just means that he is a kid who is exploring his world and his own emotions and interests, beyond the limitations of a gender stereotype which he is not yet controlled by. 

To conclude this post, I would like to describe a project a group of students did a few years ago, when I was still teaching at University level:

The task was to break a 'gender rule' in any way they wanted, document it and present it to the rest of the class. The instructions were vague on purpose in order to not interfere with their own creative process. A group formed by three girls and two boys asked if they could do a play, to which I agreed. 

The first act showed a mother with her two children, a boy and a girl; they were having breakfast and the kids were fighting and being annoying. At one point, the mother got fed up with them and sent them to their room, 'but as punishment, you will go to the other one's bedroom and stay there until I say it's okay to come out!" she yelled. The children go reluctantly. The girl goes into the boy's room and starts crying, saying it's too dirty, too messy and dark; however, soon after she comes across an action figure, a G.I. Joe type toy, and starts playing with it. At the same time, the boy is in the girl's room complaining that it's all pink and fluffy, when he finds two Barbie dolls on the floor and start playing with it as well. When the mother sees this, she is scandalized by it and quickly puts the children in their respective rooms, without realizing that each had taken the toy they had been playing with. 

This act ends with them going to sleep holding on to their 'new' toy, happy that they had the chance to find it. But it doesn't end there. 

For the second act, the children dream that each is talking to the doll. The barbies are telling the boy he's a handsome little fellow and if he'd like to stay with them; the girl's G.I. Joe says he will protect her since she is so beautiful.

In the end, the children wake up as adults, the boy's Barbie dolls have turned into real life girls and the girl's action figure is a muscular handsome man. 

They were trying to show the incongruence of such stereotypes and how it all depends on how people interpret these actions. 

It made me think about when I was a boy and used to play with action figures... I loved taking their shirts off and looking at their muscular bodies! 

Looking for a bear prince...(ss?)

Setting aside the issue of masculinity as expressed through mannerisms, way of speaking or clothing, there is another social instance in which people from the bear community (and other gay groups) seem to face; it's something I like to call the 'prince-princess complex'.

While I'm sure that someone else might've already done some research into this, here I just want to publish my own views on the matter.

In Mexico (as in may other countries, but I shall speak of my experience) cheuvanism and 'macho' beliefs are practically burnt into our brains from the moment we are born. Those 'you should's and 'you must's go way beyond what many of us can even imagine. Ideas such as that the guy is the one who pays for dinner, the one who picks the girl up for a date, the one who proposes and the one who makes the first move, are not something we can get rid of easily.

Now, when a guy decides to stay on one extreme, either playing the feminine or masculine role (and let me clarify that this has absolutely nothing to do with appearance, sexual role or any other characteristic rather than simple social interaction) it becomes rather easy, since they need only find someone who feels comfortable playing the other role. However, some of us are caught in the middle and can get confused thinking we want everything!

Once someone asked me whether I wanted to get married, I answered that I did and that I also had high expectations for a marriage proposal... And then, it hit me. I both wanted to be the one holding the ring AND the one receiving it. Odd, huh?

This may sound pretty silly, but I have seen people such as myself who have issues on dates since they both feel the need to pay the bill and a secret longing to be treated. Or even in bed, while sleeping, people who like to wrap their arms around their loved one protectively but, at the same time, feel like they want to be held and pampered.

In the end, of course, it all comes down to us following stereotypes that were not only meant for a heterosexual relationship, but don't even work for them! The prince-princess dilemma imposes specific 'needs' and 'obligations' on each gender, based of course on their sex, regardless of what they might actually want. I mean, who says that there always has to be one person who 'saves' the other one? Why can't it be a reciprocal thing where both help each other in times of need? Who decided that a marriage proposal is necessarily from a 'man to a woman'? Why can't it be something mutual in which both share in that wonderful experience?

I believe part of the issue the bear community has, in Mexico at least, is that it has forgotten that the main idea behind the creation of this group was to avoid discrimination based on stereotypes - NOT to make new ones! The bear community is supposed to show the world that gay men can also (and this is the keyword here, also not instead) be 'masculine'; but I think this should be an inclusive concept, taking into account the aspects that society typically categorizes as feminine and merging them.

Not long ago I heard a report on the fairy tale whose cover I used as illustration for this post. I was really excited about it since I think it's high time these kind of stories become more popular, our social roles and sex-based gender roles need updating... Urgently! 

Being 'too gay' - What does that really mean?

Lately I have been thinking about this topic. I needed to get some new clothes and couldn't decide on where to go... Should I go somewhere fashionable or a place with more neutral clothes? Is wearing bright colours too much or is it odd to wear flannel shirts most of the time? 

While pondering on this topic I went on a designer's website and was terrified by the main page: a boy(?) wearing a flowery pink 'suit', a low-cut (WTF?) t-shirt (which looked more like a blouse) and a really thin scarf-type-thing around his neck... I, of course, decided against looking for anything fashion-related ever again. 

Still, this kind of judgement might have gone a bit too far, I mean it's not like we always have to stick to extremes... But where is the happy queer medium when it comes to what you wear? 

Also, what is the problem with being 'too gay'? I myself have come to realise I have this conflict when I hear people saying my 'gayness' shows a little... And it makes me uncomfortable and a bit too self-conscious - even though I always pride myself in the fact that I'm happy with my sexuality!

I don't really have a 'conclusion' on this topic right now... But I know I will definitely not walk around wearing clothes that make people wonder whether I have a twin sister I share my clothes with!

Masculinity (part 1) - it takes a real man to take it like a man...

The Greeks didn't seem to have a problem with this...

Was the title too rough? Perhaps... But it got you here, didn't it?

This is the first of many entries in which I will be discussing this topic. Why? Initially, the blog was inspired by a project on the sense of community, cohesion and discrimination among bears and gay men in general; therefore, it took me along many roads including, of course, gender studies. One of the most interesting concepts I was able to study was the social construction of gender and, more especifically, how it affects interaction between men.

Bored yet? Don't worry, I'm not going to go all academic on you, it's not really the point... At least, I'll try not to!

I came across a book in which they mention that, socially, to become a man one must successfully face three basic "battles": Not be a woman, not be a boy and not be a homosexual.

As a gay man, I understand that to shape my identity I, of course, chose to embrace that last concept rather than fight it; but what about the other two? These elements come from the idea that the way we build the concept of masculinity comes from being the opposite of feminine... What is more, we tend to believe that those things which are masculine are not only superior to feminine, but as the ONLY possible way for us to behave.

What does this have to do with the bear community, you say? Well, I believe that one of the many issues we have is that one way to define a bear is "someone with a masculine appearence". I have seen this many times in profiles "looking for a masculine guy", "not feminine guys, please". When we can't even define the concept of masculinity to start with!

I am a good example of this issue, I have always tried not to "look too gay" - by which I mean not wear bright colours (or shiny stuff) or be too flamboyant. However, what I think that really means is that I'm trying not to be 'a woman', or rather not fall into the stereotype of 'feminine'. Now, this poses a big problem in a relationship between two men. Qualities usually related to women such as being romantic, sensitive, a good listener and, in general, being receptive become stigmatised and are rejected... We (yes, myself included) have a very vague idea of the feminine side of human beings; we tend to associate that word with women and we don't even realise that THAT itself is only a social imposition. As homosexuals who have had to battle our way through society's 'rules', I think we have no excuse to ignore concepts as important as these. Aren't we supposed to be supporting a DIVERSITY? Isn't it true that gay men pride themselves in the fact that we have overcome social stereotypes and 'come out of the closet' to be ourselves?

I think not. I think we are just as chained to these gender-exclusive prisons which prevent us from enjoying our sexuality (which, by the way, is more than just intercourse and includes our interaction with others in many levels) and, in short, our lives.

In the next 'Masculinity' entry I will explain some points of view which describe those traits we reject and how this could be avoided; also, my very own proposition of a new masculinity.

So, are you man enough to take it like a man?