Wolves do not hibernate... Unfortunately...

I have been off work and the university for a few days now; I am thus facing a really big problem: I have nothing to do. I also lost a lot of motivation to keep the blog going but some of my friends cheered me on, so here I am again! (Thanks guys!)

Besides being kind of a workaholic, my staying in school has required that I work a lot and my hours have been crazy for the past 4 years... Still, in December, when I am supposed to rest, I cannot seem to find peace.

This had me thinking about one issue that I have: I cannot nap. Somehow, whenever I try to take a nap in the middle of the day, I wake up feeling 'broken' (my body feels restless and too warm, my blood pressure is all messed up, my head feels like it is going to explode and I am in the worst mood ever); it has been pointed out to me that when I am sleeping I get terribly warm at some point... My theory is that when I take a nap I wake up in the middle of the 'cooling down' process and therefore feel all crappy (of course, I am no doctor). 

As a chaser, being unable to nap has been a slight complication in my relationships since bears seem to LOVE to nap (or at least the ones I have dated), and they have asked me many times to give it a go - they completely regret it when I wake up though. 

Also, the idea of staying in bed all day watching movies just drives me crazy... There is no way I can stay home for a full day! I start getting anxious and need to go out and do something! ...Again, most of the bers I know LOVE to stay in and just chill out... We usually reach a compromise where we go out to eat or to window shop at the mall... 

I have met one other chaser who was unable to nap but I do not think it is a normal thing... It could also be related to my very-fast metabolism... Not sure... 

What do you guys do when you have time off work?

Masculinity (part 2) - The passive side of our sexuality

I was reading today about sexuality and the many factors which make it such a complex issue. One of the most fascinating things I revised was the dichotomy of its supposed 'passive' and 'active' sides.

First, I must clarify something: in Spanish -Mexican Spanish, that is- instead of classifying the two 'opposite' sexual roles in top and bottom, we call them active and passive respectively... This makes a lot of sense... Right? Well, no, I actually do not think so.

I commented in a previous entry that some people claim they are "100% passive" which, to them, means that they just lay there and wait for someone else to do all the work.

Now, this book about gender studies and sexuality had a very interesting discussion on this topic. It said that all things feminine are usually associated with passivity, such as tenderness, being sexually receptive, virginity and chastity; this, in turn, is related to decency and high morals - a woman should not initiate the sexual relationship and must be receptive to her man's desires and pleasing. On the other hand, men are conceptualised as being 'active'; in fact, a man's virginity is not at all desirable, being mocked and ridiculised - there was a phrase I found quite accurate and went something like this "in bed, like in all sports, dominating and being the strongest is what counts".  This also means that men who refuse to have sex are seen as mediocre or incapable, which puts a lot of pressure on their performance and generates the idea that their value lies in their ability to comply.

Thus, most of us (men) see our bodies as merely a tool, an instrument through which to achieve our goals; our success is measured by financial stability and independence, a very active sex life or pure domination of others. This can be seen in that most men in our culture refer to their bodies as "the body" and not "my body"...

From this, an even more complicated topic arises: very rarely does nature actually have 'opposites', rather we humans classify the things we see in such categories to make it easier for our understanding (a dog is IN NO WAY the opposite of a cat, yet it is the first thing that comes to mind)... So, when we see male and female (biological sex) we see them as opposites and, when translated into the socially acquired 'gender', we see masculine as whatever is NOT feminine.

What happens then to those men who become 'passive'?

I have seen that they tend to put themselves in a fully-feminine stereotype finding it impossible to balance both parts. This becomes intricate in a community where men are supposed to be 'masculine-looking' (whatever that means); doesn't this become a paradox in itself? How can a man stay in the 'masculine' active stereotype and still play a feminine role?

My answer is quite simple: these two concepts are misused, abused and, in short, just plain useless. I think it is time we stop trying to follow old stereotypes that don't really fit us. Accepting that we are men (and I specify this because of the demographic I am referring to, but it of course applies to women) with individual features that may or may not meet the requirements of a specific gender. I think being 'active', assertive, energetic and passionate in bed is completely unrelated to being a top or a bottom.

Any thoughts on this?

Bears and the paradox of social improvement.

I went to the gym today (I know, you can totally tell I work out *sarcasm*) and, as usual, spent a couple of minutes while warming up to look at the amazing bodies around me. What I like about this gym is that there aren't many distractions for me, it's usually just reaaaally muscular guys with no hair - not my type at all; nevertheless, every now and then there are one or two big muscle-bears around who have me drooling all over the place (of course, I always keep my composture...).

Today, however, I noticed something interesting... This really hot bear ,who was probably just another chub at some point, was  acting all tough (the type who feels that no one is good enough for him) and staring at this other built guy (who didn't even glance at him). It got me thinking how some people work really hard to look like model-types only to 'belong' to a different social circle in which they will be discriminated anyway!

To make it clearer, I was talking with my students the other day about the different social classes and how similar they can be in a way: I usually spend no more than $20 USD on a t-shirt that I buy at the mall, while other people (who earn way more than I do) pay over a hundred dollars for a t-shirt that looks really similar to mine. Why? Because they buy at a freakishly expensive store in order to keep their social status. 

I believe it is the same socially. Most people will try really hard to become something else - something they believe is better - in order to 'move up' in the social ladder only to end up in the same position, being just a t-shirt (only in Saks Fifth Avenue instead of Sears).

So when a bear works out like crazy to become all built in order to be the hottest guy in the club, he is also becoming one of the least hot guys among the gym dudes... How's that for a paradox? Also, those guys who look like models from some porn magazine, are way less likely to be approached at a bar (at least in Mexico) and are usually the ones who stay until they close... Not always because they want to!

What do you think? Am I talking crazy?

Chronicle of a dream come true - A little about myself.

So, I have been writing about all kinds of things lately, always trying to do it from my point of view including personal experiences.

Today, though, I have decided to write a special entry: a little about myself. 

I was reviewing the material about masculinity for the next entry on that topic and I remembered something very interesting that happened to me this week: I was able to achieve one of my most important dreams without even expecting it, defying what others might have thought.

I have always loved singing - I have an odd taste in music, mainly I am into japanese pop and Broadway musicals- but was constantly hindered by my family since it is not something manly to do... Of course, I imagine that if I had been singing stuff like Heavy Metal or something like that, they'd been less worried. So, in the end, I decided it was not worth pursuing since it would not become my source of income in the future and wouldn't be recognised anyway.

However, in my search for a more integral way of life and as a way to become a happier person, about 4 months ago I decided to give it a shot.

I started taking singing lessons at school... Or something like that.  I mean, I loved that I was allowed to choose a song I truly loved (Defying Gravity from Wicked) but  it was a group of 19 people and the teacher decided to see each of us individually every time and I hardly ever got a chance to sing and be corrected - the feedback I got was also very limited because of the time. Nevertheless, I realised it really was something that made something inside me tingle, so I tried to practise on my own (without really knowing what was right or wrong). I eventually decided to find a private tutor to help me out since I was going to have to sing in the presentation of the workshop at school. I had three classes with a great coach and I improved lots (I think) - but most importantly, that feeling of fulfillment, entire ecstasy and completeness became bigger and clearer. I realised that, when I was singing, everything else became unimportant and irrelevant; I was able to feel my whole body connected and flowing with the emotions from the song... It was-- is a feeling beyond anything else I have ever known. The big problem, however, was that I am still in training and I tend to be a real perfectionist and these two things just don't match when you have to present your work in public!

The day of the presentation came and, of course, I started building the whole event up in my mind... I pretended I was conscious that it was just the beginning and shouldn't worry much about it being perfect (I hadn't had much training anyway), but I was secretly hoping it would go just like in my dreams: I would go on stage, perform and, right at the climax of the song, when the artist does the longest note, people would cheer and applaud recognising what he was doing. Both my hopeful self and my realistic self were struggling to see which would prevail and that ended up making me sick and getting a fever (ironic, huh?).

I got on stage and started singing. The second I heard my own voice coming from  the speakers, something inside my chest seemed to burst... A little sphere of something warm that I didn't know I had... It filled my entire body and had me trembling with excitement and happiness. The song went on, every note, every phrase building up the energy inside me and I had no idea how to let it out. I could not see the audience that well - I didn't care anyway - in that moment I knew it was all about me, about what I was doing. Had I ever felt this? If someone had asked, would I have been able to identify where it was located? No. I'm sure that is the answer.

The song kept getting closer to its peak and I had no way to contain all my emotions. The note I expected came and I let my whatever-it-might-be-called burst. I felt as if I was floating off the stage, engulfed in a feeling I had no way of describing. And then, at that moment, I heard a cheer and applause. My dream, exactly as I had imagined, was coming true. It was as if a stream of elation had suddenly become a raging river and had taken over me - just for a second; it blocked my throat and it felt just like when I am about to cry. The instant passed. I regained my composture. I finished the song in what I can only describe as an explosion of my inner-world. The effort was welcomed with warm applause and praise.

After I got off the stage, I was shaking uncontrollably and tears rolled down my cheeks - this was probably the first time I cry out of sheer happiness.

My singing coach told me once that I have a very masculine voice and I have to learn to use it. He tells me not to be scared of it. I guess, at times, I have been scared of what it means to find who I really am. But I guess it's not that bad! 

So, thanks to all my friends who supported me and encouraged me saying I could do it!

Well, if you've come this far, thanks for reading! I hope, somehow, this can inspire you to reach for  our dream, no matter what it is, 'cause it can really come true!

What do bears do when they come-- rather, when they get together?

The Holidays are practically upon us! Christmas and New Year's are close by and it is time to buy decorations, gifts, food and organise get-togethers! ... ... ... Right?

Up until not too long ago, I had not been a very sociable person at all - I tended to stick to small groups of friends and usually had issues interacting with more than 4 people at a time (if they were strangers). When I met my current husbear, I remember he said "when I move to Mexico, we will have friends over all the time!". This terrified me and made me very uncomfortable at the same time; I was pretty sure that, besides our community not being THAT kind of friendly, I was neither ready for - or even capable of - such a task!

As I have mentioned before, in the USA I experienced going into a bar and talking to (or rather being approached by) people I did not know for no apparent reason - completely unheard of in this country unless it is for sex. This helped me understand why my husbear had these strange ideas in his head!

Nevertheless, I was open to the experience and willing to give it my best shot. Thus we started inviting people over to our apartment and hanging out with others trying to expand our social network; along the way we made some really good friends and discarded others who were just annoying. But one way or another we ended up with a very nice circle of friends (and varied too)!

Now I don't really know much about organising gatherings or how to get people to get along with each other so we sort of have been mixing the groups haphazardly, with very interesting results - most of them knew each other somehow or had friends in common. We have had karaoke parties that go on for hours, board-game sessions, intense discussions and, of course, gossip, hahahahaha.

This whole thing had me wondering, what do bears do when they get together? And, what other activities can we think of to make these times more fun?

'Compliment' in Mexican Spanish means "Mocking"

I was watching this comedian (George Lopez) the other day talking about the differences between Americans and Mexicans; one of the things that struck me the most was the whole issue with congratulating or just complimenting someone on something they have done. He says that a "true Latino is never happy for anybody else"... Like, if someone says "Did you hear that (someone) got the job?", a common Mexican response is "What? That idiot? Wow, I wonder who he slept with!"... Or, more related to the blog "(someone) has a new boyfriend!" and we would say "that slut? of course he did, let's hope he can keep this one for over a day!". -never a "he did? wow, that's great!".

In fact, we do tend to be very negative in the way we speak. I started paying attention at the way people talk and most things are insults or taunts - and then we say stuff like "nah, I'm kidding!" or something like that.

This, I think, starts creating a sort of 'fear' towards expressing happiness since we have been taught it will crash against a very hard wall. 

What I find even more interesting is that, as a teacher and a psychologist, I have been trained to give positive feedback and encouragement in order to promote motivation; however, I realised that in my everyday life my bringing-up still shows quite easily!

There is a video on YouTube called "Validation" (a MUST!) and whenever I show it to my Mexican students they all smile and laugh as they see it, but when asked to 'validate' someone else it becomes one of the most difficult tasks ever. 

Again... Part of our 'macho' culture... Or is it? I wonder if this is a general thing in other places? What do you think?

Note: This is just my opinion, I am not saying that ALL Mexicans are like this.

Masculinity (part 1) - it takes a real man to take it like a man...

The Greeks didn't seem to have a problem with this...

Was the title too rough? Perhaps... But it got you here, didn't it?

This is the first of many entries in which I will be discussing this topic. Why? Initially, the blog was inspired by a project on the sense of community, cohesion and discrimination among bears and gay men in general; therefore, it took me along many roads including, of course, gender studies. One of the most interesting concepts I was able to study was the social construction of gender and, more especifically, how it affects interaction between men.

Bored yet? Don't worry, I'm not going to go all academic on you, it's not really the point... At least, I'll try not to!

I came across a book in which they mention that, socially, to become a man one must successfully face three basic "battles": Not be a woman, not be a boy and not be a homosexual.

As a gay man, I understand that to shape my identity I, of course, chose to embrace that last concept rather than fight it; but what about the other two? These elements come from the idea that the way we build the concept of masculinity comes from being the opposite of feminine... What is more, we tend to believe that those things which are masculine are not only superior to feminine, but as the ONLY possible way for us to behave.

What does this have to do with the bear community, you say? Well, I believe that one of the many issues we have is that one way to define a bear is "someone with a masculine appearence". I have seen this many times in profiles "looking for a masculine guy", "not feminine guys, please". When we can't even define the concept of masculinity to start with!

I am a good example of this issue, I have always tried not to "look too gay" - by which I mean not wear bright colours (or shiny stuff) or be too flamboyant. However, what I think that really means is that I'm trying not to be 'a woman', or rather not fall into the stereotype of 'feminine'. Now, this poses a big problem in a relationship between two men. Qualities usually related to women such as being romantic, sensitive, a good listener and, in general, being receptive become stigmatised and are rejected... We (yes, myself included) have a very vague idea of the feminine side of human beings; we tend to associate that word with women and we don't even realise that THAT itself is only a social imposition. As homosexuals who have had to battle our way through society's 'rules', I think we have no excuse to ignore concepts as important as these. Aren't we supposed to be supporting a DIVERSITY? Isn't it true that gay men pride themselves in the fact that we have overcome social stereotypes and 'come out of the closet' to be ourselves?

I think not. I think we are just as chained to these gender-exclusive prisons which prevent us from enjoying our sexuality (which, by the way, is more than just intercourse and includes our interaction with others in many levels) and, in short, our lives.

In the next 'Masculinity' entry I will explain some points of view which describe those traits we reject and how this could be avoided; also, my very own proposition of a new masculinity.

So, are you man enough to take it like a man?

A beary furry charity

James, my husbear, was telling me about this function at a bingo in Maryland. Evidently, if you brought a stuffed bear, the entry was free; then, the collected bears were donated to children in hospitals throughout the Baltimore-Washington area. Another thing that was kind of similar, is the FUK!T Packin' at a bar called the Green Lantern in Washington, D.C. Basically, bears get together on Tuesdays to assemble safe-sex kits which are later distributed for free in most of the bars in the area - this also provides a space where people can make friends and gossip happily.

Here is, I think, another way for bears to get together and bond in a non-sexual environment (since the condoms and lube you handle are not for your personal use anyway... At least at that moment); besides, I think this also helps the rest of the world see the gay community as something other than fags and queers with feather boas and sequins. It is a deed that not only helps people come together, but does good to the general public.

One or two years ago (maybe both), one of our only so-called bear bars had a thing where they asked people to donate stuffed bears to take to needy children. I never knew how that went but I think that, though the purpose might have been la good one, it didn't do much to strengthen the community or leave a mark in the society to show who we are.

Perhaps it would be a good idea for the people who manage these events to focus more on the members of the community to boost their participation (which would help their business anyway)... Or would a proposition from an individual hold more weight (no pun intended)? What do you think?

Porn - Helpful or Harmful?

Now this is an issue that I'm sure EVERYONE has an opinion on... I know I do! Hehehehe...

I have never been into porn myself, but I do remember that the very first porn I came across was a hentai (japanese anime with sexual content) magazine that a friend had bought; I remember it was, of course, straight porn, but there was this one character that was drawn all furry and muscular... That was the one thing I found interesting in the whole thing. 

Later one, when I got internet, I found a way to download a movie called "Bear Trap" (which took about a month, since back then the connection was so damn slow). I could never see the whole thing but I did realise that I loved the bearish type guys...

Most recently, when I visited my current boyfriend about a year ago, I found out he had a bunch of porn dvd's, which I didn't like much - he got rid of most of them before he moved to Mexico, though.

Anyways, the other day I heard someone discussing the topic and how a lot of people tend to have issues in their sexual lives because either their partners or themselves do not fulfill the fantasy created by these films. I mean, guys like those shown in porn movies are very scarce (and are seldom as good as they look) and you would have to live for the gym to look even remotely like most of them.

This got me thinking... As men we think about sex a lot (besides the fact that being gay men, getting sex is extremely easy) and when we watch these performances, we tend to idealise the sexual act and expect utopic situations which would most likely not satisfy us even if they came true.

This is related, ironically, to a study performed to find out why some people eat more than others. I don't want to bore you with the details since I know that this geeky stuff is not interesting to everybody; the result was that the 'liking' (the actual process of enjoying the food as you are eating it) is way lower than the wanting (the expectation and imaginary feeling of enjoyment you think you will get when you eat), and therefore requires more stimuli to meet the requirements of one's imagination...

Is that the same case with porn? You build an act in your head and when it is consumated it is not nearly as hot as you thought? 

I know I have idealised some situations that, when actually happened, didn't really turn out to be as amazing as I had imagined... The opposite also being true; sometimes I had very low expectations and was quite pleasantly surprised (literally, hahahahaha).

So, do you think porn makes a relationship more tense because of the stress put on each other by unreal expectations? Or does it make it richer by allowing the couple to share kinks and experiment with new stuff?

The second coming... Out!

I was watching the trailer for this new film "BearCity" on YouTube (which I don't have yet... But would make a great Xmas gift [hint, hint! LOL]) and a phrase one of the main characters says caught my attention: "admitting I like bears was like coming out of the closet all over again" (or something along those lines.

This made me think about the first few times I told my friends about the kind of men I like... Their reaction was usually to frown and call me crazy since "I should be going after 'cuter' types". I guess, because I am young and lean, people expect me to be chasing after guys who work out and wear all kinds of fashionable crap...

This had me feeling uncomfortable for the longest time - I felt ashamed to tell anyone when I liked some big bear walking down the street. When I started dating my first real bear (at about 19) my friends and acquaintances would constantly ask me why I was dating someone that much older than me (he was 40 at the time) and, as they put it, fat. They all liked him and got along quite well with him, but that did not stop them from pointing me in the direction of younger, more stereotypical-gay types...Whenever I met someone and told them I had a boyfriend, they would be utterly surprised upon meeting him since they expected something completely different.

I have always been into daddy-type bears... Which has not been good for my social image... As I might have mentioned in a previous entry, most people assume you are a hustler if you are with a daddy bear... When people asked me whether that was true, I always said "I wish! Then I wouldn't be killing myself working all day to pay my tuition!!" The truth is that I have always been very independent and these comments were very annoying...

In the beginning, I must admit these social influences DID affect me and made me feel sort of guilty (or embarassed) about my taste; I kept wondering whether I should try going out with younger types to -- please everyone else?? And that's when it hit me... The guy who is living with the daddy bear is ME and I am the one who should like him! So, now I am happy with my current bear!

The process, however, did feel like coming out of the closet again. I started telling my friends "I like daddy bears" and they would answer "yeah, I know... So sorry!"; what is more, I had to find a way to be comfortable enough with myself to be able to ignore all the crap that comes my way because of it!

One thing I am sure of: there is no way to please everyone and the bear community in Mexico is so small that everybody knows each other (and, thus, everybody knows who is going out with whom).

Interestingly enough, after I did this one of my friends who used to criticise my taste all the time ended up dating bears... And some daddy bears on top of that! Perhaps it just takes some courage from someone else to point you in the right direction? Hehehehe
Have you ever had second thoughts about who you are dating because of what people expect of you?