Looking for a bear prince...(ss?)

Setting aside the issue of masculinity as expressed through mannerisms, way of speaking or clothing, there is another social instance in which people from the bear community (and other gay groups) seem to face; it's something I like to call the 'prince-princess complex'.

While I'm sure that someone else might've already done some research into this, here I just want to publish my own views on the matter.

In Mexico (as in may other countries, but I shall speak of my experience) cheuvanism and 'macho' beliefs are practically burnt into our brains from the moment we are born. Those 'you should's and 'you must's go way beyond what many of us can even imagine. Ideas such as that the guy is the one who pays for dinner, the one who picks the girl up for a date, the one who proposes and the one who makes the first move, are not something we can get rid of easily.

Now, when a guy decides to stay on one extreme, either playing the feminine or masculine role (and let me clarify that this has absolutely nothing to do with appearance, sexual role or any other characteristic rather than simple social interaction) it becomes rather easy, since they need only find someone who feels comfortable playing the other role. However, some of us are caught in the middle and can get confused thinking we want everything!

Once someone asked me whether I wanted to get married, I answered that I did and that I also had high expectations for a marriage proposal... And then, it hit me. I both wanted to be the one holding the ring AND the one receiving it. Odd, huh?

This may sound pretty silly, but I have seen people such as myself who have issues on dates since they both feel the need to pay the bill and a secret longing to be treated. Or even in bed, while sleeping, people who like to wrap their arms around their loved one protectively but, at the same time, feel like they want to be held and pampered.

In the end, of course, it all comes down to us following stereotypes that were not only meant for a heterosexual relationship, but don't even work for them! The prince-princess dilemma imposes specific 'needs' and 'obligations' on each gender, based of course on their sex, regardless of what they might actually want. I mean, who says that there always has to be one person who 'saves' the other one? Why can't it be a reciprocal thing where both help each other in times of need? Who decided that a marriage proposal is necessarily from a 'man to a woman'? Why can't it be something mutual in which both share in that wonderful experience?

I believe part of the issue the bear community has, in Mexico at least, is that it has forgotten that the main idea behind the creation of this group was to avoid discrimination based on stereotypes - NOT to make new ones! The bear community is supposed to show the world that gay men can also (and this is the keyword here, also not instead) be 'masculine'; but I think this should be an inclusive concept, taking into account the aspects that society typically categorizes as feminine and merging them.

Not long ago I heard a report on the fairy tale whose cover I used as illustration for this post. I was really excited about it since I think it's high time these kind of stories become more popular, our social roles and sex-based gender roles need updating... Urgently! 

Masculinity (part 1) - it takes a real man to take it like a man...

The Greeks didn't seem to have a problem with this...

Was the title too rough? Perhaps... But it got you here, didn't it?

This is the first of many entries in which I will be discussing this topic. Why? Initially, the blog was inspired by a project on the sense of community, cohesion and discrimination among bears and gay men in general; therefore, it took me along many roads including, of course, gender studies. One of the most interesting concepts I was able to study was the social construction of gender and, more especifically, how it affects interaction between men.

Bored yet? Don't worry, I'm not going to go all academic on you, it's not really the point... At least, I'll try not to!

I came across a book in which they mention that, socially, to become a man one must successfully face three basic "battles": Not be a woman, not be a boy and not be a homosexual.

As a gay man, I understand that to shape my identity I, of course, chose to embrace that last concept rather than fight it; but what about the other two? These elements come from the idea that the way we build the concept of masculinity comes from being the opposite of feminine... What is more, we tend to believe that those things which are masculine are not only superior to feminine, but as the ONLY possible way for us to behave.

What does this have to do with the bear community, you say? Well, I believe that one of the many issues we have is that one way to define a bear is "someone with a masculine appearence". I have seen this many times in profiles "looking for a masculine guy", "not feminine guys, please". When we can't even define the concept of masculinity to start with!

I am a good example of this issue, I have always tried not to "look too gay" - by which I mean not wear bright colours (or shiny stuff) or be too flamboyant. However, what I think that really means is that I'm trying not to be 'a woman', or rather not fall into the stereotype of 'feminine'. Now, this poses a big problem in a relationship between two men. Qualities usually related to women such as being romantic, sensitive, a good listener and, in general, being receptive become stigmatised and are rejected... We (yes, myself included) have a very vague idea of the feminine side of human beings; we tend to associate that word with women and we don't even realise that THAT itself is only a social imposition. As homosexuals who have had to battle our way through society's 'rules', I think we have no excuse to ignore concepts as important as these. Aren't we supposed to be supporting a DIVERSITY? Isn't it true that gay men pride themselves in the fact that we have overcome social stereotypes and 'come out of the closet' to be ourselves?

I think not. I think we are just as chained to these gender-exclusive prisons which prevent us from enjoying our sexuality (which, by the way, is more than just intercourse and includes our interaction with others in many levels) and, in short, our lives.

In the next 'Masculinity' entry I will explain some points of view which describe those traits we reject and how this could be avoided; also, my very own proposition of a new masculinity.

So, are you man enough to take it like a man?

The second coming... Out!

I was watching the trailer for this new film "BearCity" on YouTube (which I don't have yet... But would make a great Xmas gift [hint, hint! LOL]) and a phrase one of the main characters says caught my attention: "admitting I like bears was like coming out of the closet all over again" (or something along those lines.

This made me think about the first few times I told my friends about the kind of men I like... Their reaction was usually to frown and call me crazy since "I should be going after 'cuter' types". I guess, because I am young and lean, people expect me to be chasing after guys who work out and wear all kinds of fashionable crap...

This had me feeling uncomfortable for the longest time - I felt ashamed to tell anyone when I liked some big bear walking down the street. When I started dating my first real bear (at about 19) my friends and acquaintances would constantly ask me why I was dating someone that much older than me (he was 40 at the time) and, as they put it, fat. They all liked him and got along quite well with him, but that did not stop them from pointing me in the direction of younger, more stereotypical-gay types...Whenever I met someone and told them I had a boyfriend, they would be utterly surprised upon meeting him since they expected something completely different.

I have always been into daddy-type bears... Which has not been good for my social image... As I might have mentioned in a previous entry, most people assume you are a hustler if you are with a daddy bear... When people asked me whether that was true, I always said "I wish! Then I wouldn't be killing myself working all day to pay my tuition!!" The truth is that I have always been very independent and these comments were very annoying...

In the beginning, I must admit these social influences DID affect me and made me feel sort of guilty (or embarassed) about my taste; I kept wondering whether I should try going out with younger types to -- please everyone else?? And that's when it hit me... The guy who is living with the daddy bear is ME and I am the one who should like him! So, now I am happy with my current bear!

The process, however, did feel like coming out of the closet again. I started telling my friends "I like daddy bears" and they would answer "yeah, I know... So sorry!"; what is more, I had to find a way to be comfortable enough with myself to be able to ignore all the crap that comes my way because of it!

One thing I am sure of: there is no way to please everyone and the bear community in Mexico is so small that everybody knows each other (and, thus, everybody knows who is going out with whom).

Interestingly enough, after I did this one of my friends who used to criticise my taste all the time ended up dating bears... And some daddy bears on top of that! Perhaps it just takes some courage from someone else to point you in the right direction? Hehehehe
Have you ever had second thoughts about who you are dating because of what people expect of you?