Faithful

"You're faithful because you want to be, not because the other person is going to, necessarily. I mean, in the end, if your partner cheats on you and you don't, it's pretty much on yourself and has nothing to do with him - you chose to act in a certain way because you wanted to". Or so my therapist said.

This is a very interesting approach to monogamy. I've heard, and perhaps I myself have considered, that one is faithful because 'you wouldn't want your partner to do that to you', right? But this brings you to a most difficult issue: does this mean that you would cheat in case your partner did it too?

Recently I read that 'commitment' is the state in which the person goes from a passive to an active role in a relationship, thus promoting the development and stability of it. Therefore, it means that people who are committed to a relationship need to take action to make it last and stay strong. It's not just about letting things happen, it's taking things into your hands and doing whatever you can to build a strong foundation for the relationship to survive whatever comes its way.

I believe, also, that being 'faithful' means different things to everyone, and a key factor for a relationship to work out is for both parties to agree in such concepts.  When both parts are playing the game with the same 'rules', it is harder for it to present any issues which could later hinder the relationship and bring about dreadful misunderstandings

In other words, if you think that cheating on your partner is reduced exclusively to the main standard of monogamy, you need to let them know so! What if they're not so much into sex but rather the emotional quality of the relationship? Or viceversa? Sometimes we think it is 'obvious', but it really is not.

Sex is really easy to get, so much that its value has gone down quite drastically. But what about love? What about intimacy and affection? It's true that you can just sleep with the first guy you meet on the street... And yet, I believe that when you are aware of what you want, it does not matter how hot or charming the new person might be, the love you have for your partner goes way beyond that.

The flavor of life

Standing at the end of a story that ended too soon - or rather, just when it was meant to.

In the past month I loved, lived, cried, sang, hugged, kissed.. With a passion I hadn't in years. A love meant to end, a relationship that was not to be, and yet it was.

During this time, I also came across many people who did not understand why I would put my heart in a seemingly "pointless relationship" (sic). These people told me that they did not believe in 'Disney' love; love, they said, is a companionship, a relationship through which two people share a common project. And I agree completely.

However, isn't that also a friendship? Or just a partnership? I believe love is made of all these things as well... But, like the Gestalt theory suggests, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Then again, I've heard people say that such feelings (which develop so quickly) can't be 'real love'... That makes me wonder, 'what is REAL love?' Why can't we let ourselves be reckless for a while, allowing a feeling to take us over and show us a whole new world?

I live by the idea that everything in this world has a price, and we need to pay exactly that - no more and no less. I know so many people who say they want to find someone to love and who will love them back, and yet they are not willing to pay the price! I think that the cost of such a relationship is, mainly, getting out of your comfort zone and betting your heart. Actually, once I heard someone say that "to receive a certain amount of happiness, you have to pay with an equal amount of unhappiness" - and while it might sound a bit extreme, I'd say it makes a lot of sense. A connection with someone that makes you smile like never before can, by definition, access that part of you which can make you cry like never before.

And isn't it worth it?

Quoting Rose (from Gypsy) "Some people can get a thrill, knitting sweaters and sitting still; that's peachy for some people who don't know they're alive! But I at least gotta try!".

Love is meant to be felt, not understood. Someone who brings you a feeling of completeness, who makes you smile just by thinking about them, whose goodbye feels like a part of you is being torn... Someone like that... Why let them just pass you by?

Someone asked me some time ago how it was that I had long term relationships and always managed to find someone who wanted that. I think it's because I take the risk; I've seen what loving someone is like.. I've felt what it's like to be loved. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing (and certainly not fear), that could keep me from trying to get that again. It's too precious a feeling to undermine just because it 'might not last'. If the person goes away, if it doesn't work, I'll still have those fond memories with me for as long as I live... And, if you're the kind of person who believes in the afterlife, maybe even after I die.

So, why did I say it was too soon? Because I wish it had lasted forever. Why did I then correct myself and say it was when it was how it was meant to be? Well, what I want is not always what I need, right? The timing was right for the time we had. And, if it really is meant to be, well... The world is not that big anymore... And time goes by quite quickly... Things can happen... And things can change... At their own pace.

This relationship gave me more than I could have asked for and helped me realize that, yes, I can still fall in love. I have no regrets.

The L word... Not lesbian-related, by the way!

No, it's not Lesbian... I've never even seen that show! I just found it an appropriate title for this entry.

Once, after saying "I'm in love!" someone said to me "well, you fall in love every 15 minutes"... At first, I was offended and it even got me thinking whether it was true, but not long after I realized some things: firstly, I do not fall in love every 15 minutes, however I am very intense when I like someone; secondly, what if I did?

I have met so many people who live in panic of saying or hearing the 'l' word. Why is it so hard for people to say that word? Some responses are "because it's not REAL love" or "you don't really mean it"... And while I agree that someone who says they love you and want to move in with you on the second date should be sent to therapy, I think that keeping yourself from telling someone how you feel because of how they MIGHT react is also mental.

About 6 years ago, while dating the guy with whom I've had my longest relationship, I came to the conclusion that my feelings themselves were what mattered... We went to a restaurant and I told him "I need to tell you something... And, don't worry, I don't need you to say it back, I know you don't feel it yet; I have waited until being at the point where I don't need you to say it for me to feel fine" and then I told him I loved him. He cried and said he was very happy to hear it and he didn't love me back... Yet... A couple of months later he said it and we were together for 4 and a half years.

There are many reasons for people to say 'I love you', like getting laid, getting someone to do something they're not too enthusiastic about, to hear it back, to feel needed, etc. But I think that when you say it just because you feel it, with no other objective but to let the other person know, then there's no way you can lose...

So, my advice? If you feel something for someone... TELL THEM SO! Don't be afraid to say 'I love you'! So what if you say it to many people? It just means you have a great capacity to love! And let people criticize you, it's just a reminder that they can't feel what you do... 

We should be less worried about loving people forever and more concerned with loving people NOW! If you wait too long, it might be too late.

Labeling Love

Say you meet someone, you like him or her, you go out with them and, one day, they ask: "so, what are we?" 

Isn't that an odd question? The first thing that pops into my head is "umm... gay? men? human beings?"... Of course, this is nowhere near being the right answer.

I decided to blog about this topic not because I feel like I know the answer and the terms by which one decides to take whatever step; but rather because I have absolutely no idea!

I had my first real relationship at 18 with a guy who was about 12 years older than me. I say 'real' because I had dated someone before but I could hardly call that a relationship... I might blog about it at some point, though. Anyway, I remember what it was like, being 'in love' for the first time: I was so excited and anxious at the same time; I kept thinking "does he really like me? is this going anywhere? am I doing things the way it's supposed to be?". My own insecurity drove me to be very clingy and needy with this guy, calling him all the time, being too 'nice' and giving too much. Now, this guy didn't mind all the attention, in fact I believe he liked it; but he did not reciprocate at all... At the time I thought of this as 'lack of interest' (which only made me try harder); I mean, why wouldn't he call me too and tell me he loved me as much as I did? And why wouldn't he come pick me up and take me out to nice places like I did? 

That was quite a few years ago and now I see it in quite a different way. I 'invested' all that time, interest, effort and affection because I wanted to do it, and he was not, in any way, obliged to reciprocate in the same way. I am sure he did things to show me he loved me, but I was too busy worrying about what I wanted to see them. Something else that I failed to understand at the time was that he had no way of knowing what I was expecting since I didn't tell him! I still had that fairy-tale mind where the couple understands each other perfectly without words - which is nice in theory, but very rare in real life.

With my next boyfriend I had a similar situation, though I was a bit less demanding and a lot better at asking for the things I needed. However, there was a problem, since he was a lot older than me (22 years, I think) he was very hesitant to having a relationship with me. We went out for a while and a couple of months later I asked him if we were boyfriends or what... He got all nervous and said he didn't see why we needed to put a label on our relationship, he said he hadn't been going out that long and we were having a good time. I was vexed by this and could only stand it for so long. A month later, I think, he gave in a bit and decided we would say we were "almost-boyfriends". It wasn't long until he agreed to being 'boyfriends' and could be introduced as such; mind you, we had met each other's families in the first month and had been going to all the family events together. 

Thinking back, this whole thing makes me laugh and kind of nostalgic at the feelings I had at the time. That rush of adrenaline at not knowing what would happen and the naïve idea that I could, somehow, hurry things along in order to have a 'long-lasting' relationship. 

Still, don't get me wrong, I do believe that language seriously affects the way we behave and relate to other people; I think that two people who have a commitment can easily call each other 'boyfriends' or 'partners' in order to recognize it in front of other people AND with each other. But the point I'm trying to make is that, while both things kind of go together, they aren't necessarily a consequence of each other. 

I think that when two people meet and decide to get to know each other better, things have to flow along naturally. Labeling a relationship will not necessarily help the commitment grow stronger or stay steady; I think that as the two people grow to love each other these things are really implied and just happen. One day you wake up and realize that what you have is beyond just going out, it is more than just being friends or screwing around. And the commitment is just there. I believe it is very important to let the other person know where you are so they know where they are standing and, at the same time, so you can know what to expect.

Today, while I still consider the 'name' of the relationship to be an important issue, I know it's something that just comes along with time. 

What do you think? When do you know your relationship has reached 'another level'?

"Till death do us part" he said... But I'm not that patient...!

This is a topic I hadn't thought of until today. I mean, on the one hand it is very common... You know how most things nowadays have to be updated like every other week in order to catch up to our fast-moving lives? I mean, you buy a computer or software and, the second you walk out the store, the new one is already out! However, I had not considered how this can be applied to the very important issue of relationships and commitment.

Last year, while attending a conference on sexuality and gender studies, one of the experts commented that the idea of 'marrying someone for love' is quite new, about 100 years old; before that, people saw it as a way to obtain material gain and/or mantain/improve their social status - it was just a contract. 

And still, today people have this illogical idea that marriage is and always has been based on love, since the dawn of mankind! Absurd!

On the other hand, I must admit that, deep down, I too dream of the fairy tale ending and a 'happily ever after' - mind you, I have come to terms with the idea that it is more important to have a stable life than a wild passionate romance that lasts an eternity... But what does that mean? 

Until like a few hundred years ago people lived to be around 40 or 50 tops... By the time you turned 20 you were already halfway to the other side... But now, if you marry someone when you're, say, 27... You might have to be with them about 60 more years! I really don't think this contract was devised for such circumstances...

One of my teachers was telling me about a theory which says that the new generations will have about 4 stable partners (I won't go into the details of why, of course...): One to experiment and discover what it's like to be with someone; one to have children or create something with; one to have fun in a mature way; and finally, one who you will be with till you're old and die. The interesting thing is not whether this is true or not, but rather how we have no idea what relationships will be like in a few years! I mean, that already sounds to me like you get an iBoyfriend and in a couple of months you either upgrade this one or get a new model altogether! 

This is not necessarily a bad thing, of course. I think it is quite sensible to be able to know whether you are happy with the person you are with and be mature enough to accept that it might end in a different way than the "happily ever after", and act accordingly... While the alternative is staying together forever because divorce equals sin and you'd rather live in hell here but get a wonderful afterlife...

A long time ago I heard a priest say that the whole "till death do us part" had been modified to accommodate the needs of a specific time (when they didn't want people getting divorced) despite the original idea being "till the death of love do us part" or something like that... Which is a much more reasonable clause...

In my opinion, these changes are the inevitable evolution of relationships in an ever-changing world and must be taken according to what each individual needs... As long as all the participants are informed and agree, I think they can lead their lives as they please... What do you think?

Porn - Helpful or Harmful?

Now this is an issue that I'm sure EVERYONE has an opinion on... I know I do! Hehehehe...

I have never been into porn myself, but I do remember that the very first porn I came across was a hentai (japanese anime with sexual content) magazine that a friend had bought; I remember it was, of course, straight porn, but there was this one character that was drawn all furry and muscular... That was the one thing I found interesting in the whole thing. 

Later one, when I got internet, I found a way to download a movie called "Bear Trap" (which took about a month, since back then the connection was so damn slow). I could never see the whole thing but I did realise that I loved the bearish type guys...

Most recently, when I visited my current boyfriend about a year ago, I found out he had a bunch of porn dvd's, which I didn't like much - he got rid of most of them before he moved to Mexico, though.

Anyways, the other day I heard someone discussing the topic and how a lot of people tend to have issues in their sexual lives because either their partners or themselves do not fulfill the fantasy created by these films. I mean, guys like those shown in porn movies are very scarce (and are seldom as good as they look) and you would have to live for the gym to look even remotely like most of them.

This got me thinking... As men we think about sex a lot (besides the fact that being gay men, getting sex is extremely easy) and when we watch these performances, we tend to idealise the sexual act and expect utopic situations which would most likely not satisfy us even if they came true.

This is related, ironically, to a study performed to find out why some people eat more than others. I don't want to bore you with the details since I know that this geeky stuff is not interesting to everybody; the result was that the 'liking' (the actual process of enjoying the food as you are eating it) is way lower than the wanting (the expectation and imaginary feeling of enjoyment you think you will get when you eat), and therefore requires more stimuli to meet the requirements of one's imagination...

Is that the same case with porn? You build an act in your head and when it is consumated it is not nearly as hot as you thought? 

I know I have idealised some situations that, when actually happened, didn't really turn out to be as amazing as I had imagined... The opposite also being true; sometimes I had very low expectations and was quite pleasantly surprised (literally, hahahahaha).

So, do you think porn makes a relationship more tense because of the stress put on each other by unreal expectations? Or does it make it richer by allowing the couple to share kinks and experiment with new stuff?