A 'masculine' kind of love.

"Hey asshole, how are you today?" literally means something like "Hey buddy, did you have a good day?"... Also, "you like that? wow, you're really stupid" means "you like that? wow, I haven't heard much or been interested in it because I'm afraid people will think I'm stupid"... Or so it seems...

I've seen this happen a lot among straight men; there is this dire need of using violence and aggression to mask anything which might pass for affection. This comes, of course, from that inherent fear of being judged as "too feminine" or just plain queer.

Now, one thing that supposedly characterizes the bear community is the fact that the men are masculine and virile; this is sometimes understood as 'acting straight' or rather making sure that you keep following the same guidelines they do. And while I admit to having a homophobic part of myself where I don't hang out with guys who are too flamboyant or refer to each other as 'girl' and use feminine pronouns and other similar words while talking to each other, I believe that it is important to evaluate some aspects of our behaviour before we go along with it.

Personally, while not 'big', I do consider myself masculine and pride myself in the fact that I am a man who likes men. This, however, does not stop me from being loving with my friends - I hug them, and try to demonstrate my affection as much as possible. Of course, this is the way I am and I do not intend to say it's the "right way". I just don't understand this tendency to hit someone or call them names when you clearly feel affection for them.  Even more when it's so plain that what they really need is more-obvious affection.

Making fun of someone's interests or something they say, trying to show that you think it's too gay just out of fear because someone else might judge you first is just plain stupid. 

I had a boyfriend who was a big mean-looking bear who was one of the most loving people I've ever met; I remember it was the thing that drew me to him so strongly, someone brave enough to match that masculine appearance without losing the ability of letting those he loved know what he felt for them.

My own conclusion on this topic is that, while it may be 'obvious' that calling your friends names and making fun of them is a way to show them you love them (from the safe side, since you can always deny it), I think it is important to reflect on whether that's really what they need to hear... Moreover, whether that's what you need from them as well.