The flavor of life

Standing at the end of a story that ended too soon - or rather, just when it was meant to.

In the past month I loved, lived, cried, sang, hugged, kissed.. With a passion I hadn't in years. A love meant to end, a relationship that was not to be, and yet it was.

During this time, I also came across many people who did not understand why I would put my heart in a seemingly "pointless relationship" (sic). These people told me that they did not believe in 'Disney' love; love, they said, is a companionship, a relationship through which two people share a common project. And I agree completely.

However, isn't that also a friendship? Or just a partnership? I believe love is made of all these things as well... But, like the Gestalt theory suggests, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Then again, I've heard people say that such feelings (which develop so quickly) can't be 'real love'... That makes me wonder, 'what is REAL love?' Why can't we let ourselves be reckless for a while, allowing a feeling to take us over and show us a whole new world?

I live by the idea that everything in this world has a price, and we need to pay exactly that - no more and no less. I know so many people who say they want to find someone to love and who will love them back, and yet they are not willing to pay the price! I think that the cost of such a relationship is, mainly, getting out of your comfort zone and betting your heart. Actually, once I heard someone say that "to receive a certain amount of happiness, you have to pay with an equal amount of unhappiness" - and while it might sound a bit extreme, I'd say it makes a lot of sense. A connection with someone that makes you smile like never before can, by definition, access that part of you which can make you cry like never before.

And isn't it worth it?

Quoting Rose (from Gypsy) "Some people can get a thrill, knitting sweaters and sitting still; that's peachy for some people who don't know they're alive! But I at least gotta try!".

Love is meant to be felt, not understood. Someone who brings you a feeling of completeness, who makes you smile just by thinking about them, whose goodbye feels like a part of you is being torn... Someone like that... Why let them just pass you by?

Someone asked me some time ago how it was that I had long term relationships and always managed to find someone who wanted that. I think it's because I take the risk; I've seen what loving someone is like.. I've felt what it's like to be loved. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing (and certainly not fear), that could keep me from trying to get that again. It's too precious a feeling to undermine just because it 'might not last'. If the person goes away, if it doesn't work, I'll still have those fond memories with me for as long as I live... And, if you're the kind of person who believes in the afterlife, maybe even after I die.

So, why did I say it was too soon? Because I wish it had lasted forever. Why did I then correct myself and say it was when it was how it was meant to be? Well, what I want is not always what I need, right? The timing was right for the time we had. And, if it really is meant to be, well... The world is not that big anymore... And time goes by quite quickly... Things can happen... And things can change... At their own pace.

This relationship gave me more than I could have asked for and helped me realize that, yes, I can still fall in love. I have no regrets.

About bears and rejection.

You're not fat enough.

You're not hairy enough.

You're not big enough.

Your beard is not thick enough.

You're not (insert other options here) enough.

Ever heard any of this from a bear? 

This is one thing I have never quite understood. I don't know how common this is in other countries but it is very frequent in Mexico City.

What bugs me about it is the incoherence of it all. Just last week I was talking to a student about how, when I was in secondary school, I felt so ashamed of my body because I thought I was 'too thin'; today I know I'm not but it took years of work to realize it! However, I still remember the feeling of rejection and of 'not quite fitting in'... More than that, I have come to understand how stupid is to be rude to somebody or judge them just because they don't meet the requirements of 'beauty' that society has established.

Now, that being said, I also remember those other guys who were also bullied because of their weight, but because they were chubby instead... 

As far as I understand, the bear community was formed by those guys and for that exact same reason. I believe it was in order for those who felt rejected to have a place to belong to... Especially those who did not really fit the 'magazine-gay' stereotype... Why, then, are there some bears who insist on doing that? 

I must admit I do have some issues with guys who are feminine to the point of wearing girls' clothes or make-up, and while I wouldn't date them or want to look like them, it doesn't mean I'm rude to them. 

Now, I am, of course, not talking about everyone. I have a wonderful circle of bear friends who I love a lot; I have also met many friendly bears who practice what they preach. In fact, when I went to Washington D.C., I was welcomed rather warmly despite not being big and furry! I even found out that, while not a bear, I can still be part of the community as a wolf or a chaser! Even women are accepted and, sometimes, called 'goldilocks'!

So, yeah, I think we're doing something really wrong here in Mexico. And I also think it's the reason why it's so hard for the bear community to grow and become stronger.

(Straight) Dating protocol.

As I immerse myself back in the world of 'dating', I have come across an issue that troubles me: the dating protocol.

In more ways than one, straight people have it pretty simple, they follow a clear (granted, cheuvanistic) plan: boy asks girl out, they dress up, go somewhere for dinner, the boy pays, maybe kiss goodnight and the boy is supposed to call her back. Also, the mere fact that they have gone out implies that they like each other, at least a little bit.

I have found, however, that between two men it's not as clear. It is not necessarily implied that they like each other and the intentions either of them may have can be misunderstood.

More than once I have found myself on a date but not sure whether it actually is one - I mean, going out with a guy but doubtful about the other guy's intentions. The funny thing is that, more often than not, a bit after the 'date' the other guy says something like 'I had a great time' or 'you're really cute' which kind of quells my fears.

Still, the whole 'who calls whom' and 'how soon' still vex me.

Even more, in Mexico some people tend to think that after going out once or twice you automatically become 'boyfriends' and, therefore, exclusive. While I think that the idea of 'going out' with someone doesn't necessarily mean you will not meet other people in the process...

What I'm trying to say is, while sticking to the traditional dating protocol may work to a point, I believe there are situations dictated by sexual-role-related issues which cannot be overseen or simply taken for granted. It would be really interesting (or perhaps it will even be real soon) to see how the new TV shows, movies or stories in general handle the issue of gay dating. Though, most likely, it will just be a sorry adaptation of the 'straight' protocol.

Looking for a bear prince...(ss?)

Setting aside the issue of masculinity as expressed through mannerisms, way of speaking or clothing, there is another social instance in which people from the bear community (and other gay groups) seem to face; it's something I like to call the 'prince-princess complex'.

While I'm sure that someone else might've already done some research into this, here I just want to publish my own views on the matter.

In Mexico (as in may other countries, but I shall speak of my experience) cheuvanism and 'macho' beliefs are practically burnt into our brains from the moment we are born. Those 'you should's and 'you must's go way beyond what many of us can even imagine. Ideas such as that the guy is the one who pays for dinner, the one who picks the girl up for a date, the one who proposes and the one who makes the first move, are not something we can get rid of easily.

Now, when a guy decides to stay on one extreme, either playing the feminine or masculine role (and let me clarify that this has absolutely nothing to do with appearance, sexual role or any other characteristic rather than simple social interaction) it becomes rather easy, since they need only find someone who feels comfortable playing the other role. However, some of us are caught in the middle and can get confused thinking we want everything!

Once someone asked me whether I wanted to get married, I answered that I did and that I also had high expectations for a marriage proposal... And then, it hit me. I both wanted to be the one holding the ring AND the one receiving it. Odd, huh?

This may sound pretty silly, but I have seen people such as myself who have issues on dates since they both feel the need to pay the bill and a secret longing to be treated. Or even in bed, while sleeping, people who like to wrap their arms around their loved one protectively but, at the same time, feel like they want to be held and pampered.

In the end, of course, it all comes down to us following stereotypes that were not only meant for a heterosexual relationship, but don't even work for them! The prince-princess dilemma imposes specific 'needs' and 'obligations' on each gender, based of course on their sex, regardless of what they might actually want. I mean, who says that there always has to be one person who 'saves' the other one? Why can't it be a reciprocal thing where both help each other in times of need? Who decided that a marriage proposal is necessarily from a 'man to a woman'? Why can't it be something mutual in which both share in that wonderful experience?

I believe part of the issue the bear community has, in Mexico at least, is that it has forgotten that the main idea behind the creation of this group was to avoid discrimination based on stereotypes - NOT to make new ones! The bear community is supposed to show the world that gay men can also (and this is the keyword here, also not instead) be 'masculine'; but I think this should be an inclusive concept, taking into account the aspects that society typically categorizes as feminine and merging them.

Not long ago I heard a report on the fairy tale whose cover I used as illustration for this post. I was really excited about it since I think it's high time these kind of stories become more popular, our social roles and sex-based gender roles need updating... Urgently! 

A 'masculine' kind of love.

"Hey asshole, how are you today?" literally means something like "Hey buddy, did you have a good day?"... Also, "you like that? wow, you're really stupid" means "you like that? wow, I haven't heard much or been interested in it because I'm afraid people will think I'm stupid"... Or so it seems...

I've seen this happen a lot among straight men; there is this dire need of using violence and aggression to mask anything which might pass for affection. This comes, of course, from that inherent fear of being judged as "too feminine" or just plain queer.

Now, one thing that supposedly characterizes the bear community is the fact that the men are masculine and virile; this is sometimes understood as 'acting straight' or rather making sure that you keep following the same guidelines they do. And while I admit to having a homophobic part of myself where I don't hang out with guys who are too flamboyant or refer to each other as 'girl' and use feminine pronouns and other similar words while talking to each other, I believe that it is important to evaluate some aspects of our behaviour before we go along with it.

Personally, while not 'big', I do consider myself masculine and pride myself in the fact that I am a man who likes men. This, however, does not stop me from being loving with my friends - I hug them, and try to demonstrate my affection as much as possible. Of course, this is the way I am and I do not intend to say it's the "right way". I just don't understand this tendency to hit someone or call them names when you clearly feel affection for them.  Even more when it's so plain that what they really need is more-obvious affection.

Making fun of someone's interests or something they say, trying to show that you think it's too gay just out of fear because someone else might judge you first is just plain stupid. 

I had a boyfriend who was a big mean-looking bear who was one of the most loving people I've ever met; I remember it was the thing that drew me to him so strongly, someone brave enough to match that masculine appearance without losing the ability of letting those he loved know what he felt for them.

My own conclusion on this topic is that, while it may be 'obvious' that calling your friends names and making fun of them is a way to show them you love them (from the safe side, since you can always deny it), I think it is important to reflect on whether that's really what they need to hear... Moreover, whether that's what you need from them as well.

Pride 2011 (Night) - or bears don't dance.

And I'm back! Again, thanks to all of you who have been checking my blog out despite the lack of updates!

So, the night of pride (yeah, like a month ago or something like that) we went to this 'bear event' organised by bearmex - which is practically the only option for people who want to be in a bear-like environment.

It was in a very popular club called 'Living' which normally has a very different scene - snobbish. The place itself was actually pretty good; rather big and with really cool music. 

As the night went by, more and more bears showed up until it got quite packed (as you can see in the pic)!! I like these parties because I get to see people from out of town, including guys from other countries. The environment is also nicer because, normally, the bears who go to the bars are like striking a pose, but in these events, they seem to relax and let themselves be.

The Mr.Bearmex contest was really interesting, with some singing, some dancing, some stripping, some odd poetry-like shows and Adam Champ (woof!)...

But just before all that madness started, I was looking at the dance floor from the 2nd floor and I saw a bear getting on a platform-like thing and start dancing. Everybody went crazy for a bit, cheering him on; however, that's when I realised that, before, no one had been dancing or even moving to the music - everyone had been just standing there chatting with people (if they were in a group) or just looking around. 

Now, a couple of months ago I, reluctantly, went to a straight bar to celebrate one of my students' birthday and noticed something similar. I remember how nobody at the place was dancing except for us (the gays); they were all just standing there, looking pretty... Or something like that. That day, I complained about the place because I said I was used to going out to have fun and not just sit around doing nothing.

I guess it doesn't just happen there. Still, I do wonder why it was like that. I mean, I have seen bears at regular bars or clubs and they dance quite a bit! But, for some reason, when they are at the bear-oriented events, everyone is like trying to be cool and not move much... 

Still, it was a fun night. 

How do bears celebrate Pride where you live??

Breaking up versus tearing each other apart.

Hey guys. Well, here I am. Single now. Ever been there? Yeah, it sucks... And yet, I've had it way worse.

So, I've been living with my boy- Ugh, I guess it's 'ex-boyfriend' now - for about a year and a half, almost two years. Still, over the past few weeks we realised that we were slowly detaching... We have crazy work schedules and many other factors which I will NOT discuss here. 

I was expecting a big drama (and we did have it, I cried like a little baby for a couple of days) and today we finally broke up. Funny thing was, we are still living together. I know what you're thinking: "What? Are you insane?" And I might just be.

We decided that we could... What's the word... Salvage the good things about 'us'. We were talking and we agreed that just suddenly disappearing from each other's lives was too much... And, perhaps, unnecessary - So, I moved to the other room we have.

I understand the consequences this might have... Both positive or negative. But isn't it insane that most people, or at least I do, think that breaking up ALWAYS has to mean to literally rip that person off your heart? I mean, it is true that it's difficult to go from one kind of relationship to another but I think that if two people really love each other, neither wants the other to get hurt!

I believe that people can create their own version of whatever they have to live - we are so used to seeing TV drama-like break ups that anything else seems impossible and unthinkable.

I do not claim that this will be a successful plan, but I think it is worth a try. If it works, I'll not have lost a lover, I'll have won a great friend... If it doesn't work, well it was going to end up like that anyway, so I'm willing to take the chance.

What do you think? Have you ever tried any alternative breaking up methods?

Lays - you can't have just one... Oops, did I miss the apostrophe?

This week I was preparing a questionnaire for a study on polyamorous relationships when I proposed to use the following item: "I have had less than 5 sex partners in the last..." - and here is where it got interesting... My research partner said "two years?" and I said "what? I was going to say 2 months!"

That's when I had a slight epiphany on two things: one, I spend all my time with gay men and thus have lost the grip on the idea that there are other kinds of lifestyles; two, straight people don't have nearly as much sex as we do... 

This might sound silly to some people, but then I wondered how many of my friends can still count the people they have had sex with? I mean, this girl knew the exact number (I'm sure she knows names and all). Personally, I can still remember (almost) all of them since I wasn't that active until a short time ago... But I can sense that soon it'll be impossible (and pointless) for me to try to list them.

Now, although I agree that women in general (at least in the straight world) tend to be more... reserved... about who they sleep with, I think it's way more than that. We were discussing this and we agreed that with men it's really just sex and nothing more... It's like "hey, you're hot, wanna do something?" "ok" and that's that.

I haven't had the chance to ask my friends directly how many people they think they have slept with but a couple of them gave me enough information by answering: "like, in the last week? or month?"

I'm not really interested in getting all philosophical here about the topic but it does get one to think... How does this change the way men interact? Does this mean it's harder for us to connect on that level or do we do other things that require that intimacy?

So, perhaps you won't feel like exposing yourself but... How many have you jumped in the sack with?

Happy VD!! Hope you have a great one!! ...BTW I meant Valentine's day!

Those initials can stand for so many things... Like, there is a gay club in Mexico called "VD+"... Happily most people remain oblivious to its most common meaning... I can't help but laugh whenever people say "It's only a hundred pesos to get into VD+"... 

So, a friend of mine posted on Facebook something like "this weekend it's not about finding Mr. Right, but about finding someone to spend Valentine's with!" I don't think he could have said it any better.

How many people go out desperate to find someone to share this 'so-called' special day with? Don't get me wrong, I am a total prey to marketing events and things like this just make me go crazy and buy romantic crap. But, what are the side-effects and dangers of this quest?

I know a lot of clubs organise VD related events... And how often do people just hook-up because they feel even more lonely on this day? Hell, how often do they settle for people they wouldn't even look at on a different date?

This got me thinking about how honest people are about their own VD... Yes, this time I mean the nasty VD!

I have been lucky enough to meet people who are very up front about having anything... But through my education and vicarious knowledge I have learned that you can get lots of stuff without even knowing it... Or do you always check the other person's body for any sign of infection? There are things that aren't obvious, you know? And in the heat of the moment, really, most people are already sucking cock before even taking their pants off... Let alone inspecting it beforehand (pun intended).

So, this weekend go, eat, drink, play... But remember that, most likely, this is just for this weekend so don't put all your eggs in one basket because it might be easier to find Mr. Right on a day when not everybody is looking for a remedy for loneliness... 

Oh, and one more thing... A red hanky does NOT mean "romantic and nice"... It means FF... Fist-F*ck! But you knew that, right? No? Ok, my next entry will be about the renowned Hanky Code in the leather community! 

Wake up and smell the poppers! - Poppers and HIV

That was one of the topics which casually came up during one of the classes I taught today; we were talking about banned substances and one of my students, who I think is gay, mentioned this specific issue - the rest, being straight, had no idea what it was about, so I explained a bit.

Everybody has, at least, heard of this substance, considered to be a 'sexual enhancer'... But how much do we actually know about it?

After today's brief explanation to my students (don't worry, they are all adults) I decided to do a bit of research and I found VERY interesting and, I think, not widely spread information.

But first, the basics. If you either live in a nunnery or haven't had sex with more than one person (who might've lived in a monastery) then you may not know what I'm talking about. Poppers are Amyl Nitrate, a substance which expands or dilates blood vessels and is used by some people during sex because of this quality, it helps dilate the anus (which makes anal sex easier), it makes the orgasms more intense and, in general, it makes you feel a bit wilder and hornier.

However, I came across a study relating HIV to popper use... Evidently, it was found that men who use poppers during sex are more prone to get infected or contract an STD even while wearing a condom - I'll explain a bit further.

Poppers dilate the blood vessels and, therefore, the concentration of blood in the anus increases, making it easier for the HIV virus (though I think this is redundant since the 'V' stands for Virus) to get through these vessels - there is also a higher chance of bleeding. But this is not all, the most surprising thing is that this substance also inhibits your immune system, facilitating the infection of any other STD as well. Scary, huh?

So, it's not only that these things make you hornier and wilder, they also make you less resistant to infections and health issues... I'm not condemning its use, I'm just saying that this information should be more widespread/published...

Personally, I can't use poppers and haven't because I tend to respond badly to drugs - I have only used alcohol and caffeine but I absorb them very quickly so the effect tends to be heightened - and I wouldn't want to risk a heart attack or something like that. But also, I think it stinks like HELL!!

If you want to know more about this study, let me know and I will send you the article (I included the reference at the bottom of this entry).

Reference
Walsh N. POP GO THE POPPERS. Gay Community News [serial online]. August 2008;(224):40. Available from: LGBT Life with Full Text, Ipswich, MA. Accessed February 2, 2011.