Tough love

'What you do every day matters more than what you do every once in a while'. I read this quote somewhere and it made me think of my first 'serious' relationship. 

I was 18 and my boyfriend was 33 years old (yeah, not that uncommon in the gay world), and if there was one thing that was always present in our relationship, it was my constant feeling of sadness. I remember coming home feeling like crap after our 'dates', or just feeling plain scared to express my opinions. The worst thing, probably, is that he didn't hit me or call me names! Why is that the worst thing, you ask? Well, because I could not make out what it was that made me feel so bad! 

When people asked me about my relationship, I usually talked about the more obvious, 'good' things. "Ah, we went out for dinner", "we watched a movie at his place", "he got me a rose, isn't that romantic?". The problem was, though, that these gestures, while very real, happened mostly after we had a serious fight. I never talked about the things we did every day. Looking back, now I think I can understand what made that relationship so unpleasant.

He sometimes ignored my calls on purpose, knowing it drove me crazy and even admitting to doing so ("sometimes I don't want to talk to you"); and he constantly criticized my behavior in a hurtful, demeaning way ("you don't eat eggs? Of course, your mother spoiled you too much. Maybe one day you'll grow up").

My point is, those things were like little drops of water falling constantly on the same spot. One little drop will do little to no harm, but if continued indefinitely, it won't take too long before it starts leaving a mark.

Very often, our society teaches us that aggression or violence is an acceptable substitute for vulnerability and intimacy, two concepts which are rarely discussed or promoted. In a way, it's a shame that our society not only accepts this kind of violence, but even encourages it. Have you ever met a couple who give each other demeaning or insulting nicknames in a 'playful' way? Couples who are rude or offensive to each other because 'they know they're just playing'? And if the offended party says anything there comes the answer "oh, come on, don't be so sensitive", which transfers the fault to them and the aggressor comes off as being 'carefree and playful'.

The core of this, I believe, is that people who are not used to feeling vulnerable will immediately lash out in order to hide their fear. People who get angry at the 'idiot who cut in front of them' and yell at their kids, simply because they are the nearest available target. Mind you, it's not like they think "oh, I need someone to bully now, since I cannot take revenge on my aggressor", it is just something they have been doing for such a long time that it has become a reflex.

A relationship is built every day and every moment that the people involved are interacting. Think of it as bricks building a wall. Perhaps every so often you would put a nice decoration on the wall, something shiny and impressive; and while they should be enjoyed and cherished, they in no way substitute the basis of what you're building. If all the bricks on your house are cracked, soon not even the fanciest decorations will make your house be worth living in.

As an example, instead of being sarcastic, try to give someone an actual compliment every day. You will see how great you feel and how quickly you stop feeling 'silly' by doing it.

A 'masculine' kind of love.

"Hey asshole, how are you today?" literally means something like "Hey buddy, did you have a good day?"... Also, "you like that? wow, you're really stupid" means "you like that? wow, I haven't heard much or been interested in it because I'm afraid people will think I'm stupid"... Or so it seems...

I've seen this happen a lot among straight men; there is this dire need of using violence and aggression to mask anything which might pass for affection. This comes, of course, from that inherent fear of being judged as "too feminine" or just plain queer.

Now, one thing that supposedly characterizes the bear community is the fact that the men are masculine and virile; this is sometimes understood as 'acting straight' or rather making sure that you keep following the same guidelines they do. And while I admit to having a homophobic part of myself where I don't hang out with guys who are too flamboyant or refer to each other as 'girl' and use feminine pronouns and other similar words while talking to each other, I believe that it is important to evaluate some aspects of our behaviour before we go along with it.

Personally, while not 'big', I do consider myself masculine and pride myself in the fact that I am a man who likes men. This, however, does not stop me from being loving with my friends - I hug them, and try to demonstrate my affection as much as possible. Of course, this is the way I am and I do not intend to say it's the "right way". I just don't understand this tendency to hit someone or call them names when you clearly feel affection for them.  Even more when it's so plain that what they really need is more-obvious affection.

Making fun of someone's interests or something they say, trying to show that you think it's too gay just out of fear because someone else might judge you first is just plain stupid. 

I had a boyfriend who was a big mean-looking bear who was one of the most loving people I've ever met; I remember it was the thing that drew me to him so strongly, someone brave enough to match that masculine appearance without losing the ability of letting those he loved know what he felt for them.

My own conclusion on this topic is that, while it may be 'obvious' that calling your friends names and making fun of them is a way to show them you love them (from the safe side, since you can always deny it), I think it is important to reflect on whether that's really what they need to hear... Moreover, whether that's what you need from them as well.