Knowing when to leave.

This concept has eluded me for years now. I have been in situations where I end up losing just because I either stayed too long or too little. So, when do you know when to leave?

When you date someone almost twice your age who makes less than you do?

When you have an awesome relationship and things are going too well?

When you date someone with a crappy life, help them build a new one and get less than a 'thank you' for it?

When you find an awesome guy who has had too little life experience and needs to live on his own for a while?

When you find yourself being more dramatic than soap operas and swearing you'll "never beg any other man not to leave"?

Have you ever asked yourself this? It doesn't matter if it was during or after the relationship; was there ever a time when you wondered why you were together? ...Or worse, a time when you just assumed there was just no other way?

It's odd how things work out sometimes. In the end, I think you cannot really 'learn' from past relationships because every person is different... And, as much as 'statistics' or any other 'science' tries to prove otherwise, there's no way to predict how the next situation will fare considering previous events.

As I look back, I think I have always 'left' right at the moment I was supposed to; at least, I know I got something from each separation, at least enough to prepare myself for what's to come. I mean, I might not be able to know how the next guy will deal with jealousy or the future, but I will hardly will date another guy whose major aspiration in life is to work at a 7-eleven while I work in a hospital (not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you, I just refuse to play 'bread-winner' or 'problem-solver' -not to say 'daddy'-).

In fact, I have seen this, not only in myself, but in people around me as well: we tend to stick with someone who 'kind-of-works' because we're too afraid there might not be a better option... Or worse, we doubt that 'better option' will even take a second look at us. On this matter, what I have observed is that, people who settle normally can't answer to the question 'why are you with him?' with more than a half-smile (which looks more like some weird frown). And then we're stuck with the ideas of 'oh, but we have built so much together!' or 'but oh, whatever will I/he do without him/me??'. 

I think that the best time to leave is when you cannot find this one simple reason to be with someone: this person makes me happy and we can share our lives together... Of course, this also implies that both parts actually HAVE lives to share, instead of one mushy lump of a half-life built out of whatever was salvaged when they tried to fuse with each other out of sheer desperation and fear of being left alone.

I know for instance that, through time, I have been able to answer the questions I posed at the beginning of this entry...

If your aspirations don't match, there's no way you can build a future together... Unless you're willing to give up yours to take up his.

If you think it's 'too good' then you're probably not ready for it... And if you want to be, you better work to keep it instead of spending valuable energy self-commiserating.

If you want to help someone 'get a new life', you need to consider they already lost one (or more); which probably means they are not that grateful or aware of what they receive to begin with, so what can you expect?

If you're not both at the same stage of your lives, one of you will either have to speed up or slow down; and who has all that time? Unless both reach a compromise, it's really hard.

If you want to be that intense, just remember that love like that is exactly like a raging fire; it'll consume everything until nothing is left... And it will act quickly...

Of love and... Admiration.

Hard as I try, I cannot seem to recall where it was I saw this idea... I know I read it somewhere, though...

Anyway, it was something like this: For love to grow between to people and transcend the mere 'infatuation' stage, there has to be something they admire in each other. When one falls in love with someone, that person seems completely flawless and sent from Heaven; but after a couple of months, half the things you used to find adorable turn out to be annoying, illogical or simply disgusting.

So, how do some couples manage to stay together for so long? Well, some just decide to turn a blind eye towards their issues and take their frustration out by starting senseless arguments; however, there are those who find qualities in their partner which surpass those things they cannot stand. 

Nietzsche once said that for a couple's love to go beyond 'animal attraction' (which is what most people mistake for 'true love' or 'being in love'), they need to be able to create something bigger than what they are together. This could be, but isn't necessarily, a child, of course - and for most people, that's what it is... I mean, in the end, how difficult is it to 'make a child'? Raising it IS tough but by the time you're faced with that problem it's too late to turn back (if you have some decency). 

Therefore, it all comes to knowing that you can learn something from the person you're with; that he or she can make you want to be a better person and inspires you, not only to improve your life together, but also to pursue your own dreams in order to keep providing the relationship with a reciprocal contribution.

So, lately, I have found myself thinking (when I meet someone) "what can I learn from you? is there something you do that I admire?" And I don't mean being wealthy or famous; but simply by being someone who is passionate about something they do - this is, perhaps, the greatest thing a person can do for their lover...

Conversely, I think it is just as important to ask myself daily if the things I do, the life I lead, could provide inspiration or foster admiration in someone else. 

The union of two should be to create something bigger than their combined result.