Behind a broken heart

In secondary school, I had this Physics teacher who had a very interesting way of explaining the concept of 'broken'. He would take a wrinkled piece of paper out of his briefcase, smooth it out, crumple it up again and say "there, I broke it". He explained that breaking something doesn't necessarily mean tearing it up in pieces, but rather changing it in a way that it cannot be brought back to its original shape.

This made the whole 'heartbreak' concept a lot easier to understand for me. While there are many causes for this (a breakup, a disappointment, the death of someone), the result is the same: you are left with a void-like feeling in your chest that makes you feel surrounded by darkness and despair.

After that, you will never be the same again... And that is not always a bad thing.

Instead of thinking of a heart as something rigid and fragile, like glass, I think it's more like dough. It constantly changes its shape and morphs depending on who touches it and how they do so. Still, if you give it to someone who modifies it into something you don't like or that hurts you, you cannot mold it back to the way it was before, no matter how hard you try... And why would you? Wouldn't it be more fun to find a new shape you might like even more?

When I see it this way, it makes it easier for me to open up to people and be less afraid of being hurt. Of course, there will be times when I will feel pain but now I know it will just be an opportunity to see a new shape of my heart.

How long should you wait?

It's funny how often it happens that a book comes into my life bearing a message that applies to my life so accurately, it's scary. 

A couple of days ago, I started reading 'Giovanni's Room' by James Baldwin. I must confess that, so far, I find it to be a very depressing story - at least potentially. However, there's a beautiful romantic side to it that I can't help but adore; it's always nice, inspiring even, to read about two people falling in love and how nothing else matters to them... For a while at least.

There is a part, though, that had me reflecting for quite a while.

Giovanni: "Tell me, what is this about time? Why is it better to be late than early? People are always saying we must wait, we must wait. What are they waiting for?"

David: "Well, I guess people wait in order to make sure of what they feel."

Giovanni: "And when you have waited - has it made you sure?"

Giovanni's Room - James Baldwin

It had me thinking about how this illusion is so deeply embedded in most of our cultures - the idea that one should not be impulsive, but rather wait as long as possible to ensure that the desired outcome will turn out as expected... But, isn't this silly? I think that, when you want to do something and get that feeling deep in your gut, that itch to start moving, time will hardly make it any 'easier' to go through with it.

Perhaps the main issue is that most people believe that, by obtaining more information before taking action, it is easier to make the right choice... And I do not disagree on this point.

Except when it is about human relationships and matters of the heart. I heard somewhere that 'the brightest light will always cast the darkest shadows'; wouldn't this mean that a feeling that can change your life as much as love does, will also come with ghosts and other mischievous feelings attached? Obviously the possibility of getting all you have ever wanted cannot be separated from the fear of losing it as well...

So, how long should one wait? I think that, when two people meet, it takes only a few minutes to know where the relationship can go. Let's say, on a date, it takes very little time to know if the person in front of you can, potentially, stir your soul. 

When you feel you love someone, how long do you wait to say it? How do you 'make sure' you really love someone? It's funny to me how people can throw words around like 'hate', 'stupid', 'idiot', etc. as if they were nothing, but find it extremely difficult to say the 'L' word...

Waiting, in my opinion, is overrated. Perhaps we should be more focused on living?

Commitment : What makes a long distance relationship work.

Why would you want to stay with one person when there are so many other choices? Why stay with someone despite all the trouble it causes and the effort it takes to make a relationship work?

I found a very interesting article that addresses these questions (and many others that most of us have) with a very simple concept: commitment.

The main statement of the article drew my attention instantly: "A study has suggested that Long Distance Relationships (LDR) are more stable than Geographically Close Relationships (GCR)."

Wouldn't it be the other way around? I mean, surely being close to someone makes the relationship grow stronger and makes it easier to stay together; and I'd think it quite obvious that those who spend lots of time separated tend to slowly grow apart. However, this study attests that the factors that we assume could break such a relationship aren't really intensified by the physical closeness or lack of it.

Commitment, they say, is influenced by three factors: a) satisfaction or happiness with the relationship; b) perceived alternatives (such as other attractive partners); and c) investments that would be lost if the relationship ended.

According to this research, there's not much difference between satisfaction in LDR's and GCR's, which is the main predictor of whether these relationships will last or not.

Now, the second predictor, alternatives or other possible partners, is one that drives someone like me completely crazy. I mean, why would two people choose to be in a relationship in which they can't see each other if they have plenty of other choices right around the corner, right? Well, according to this study, this isn't that much of an issue either. Evidently, people who go for LDR are normally those who have a hight work intensity and idealization; they tend to segment their life into work and relationships. This means that people in LDR's normally focus a lot of their time apart on their work. Oddly enough, high alternatives do predict lower commitment when talking about GCR's.

This actually makes sense. People who are actually happy with the relationship they have will hardly put some time aside to look for other alternatives. Also, focusing on their work keeps them occupied and allows for more experiences the couple can share when together; isn't it awful when you spend all day, every day with someone and, come nighttime, you have nothing to say to each other?

The third predictor, investments that would be lost, is a little colder but also easier to understand. People in LDR's invest money in communication and commuting (at least), all which would be lost if they broke up. Also, when both people are striving towards being together after whatever period of time, this is seen as an investment for the future... Which makes the relationship grow even stronger. Something that, by the way, is not as easy in GCR's, since most investments are limited to shared possessions (which they can just fight over in the end).

So far, the article seems to be quite cheery about LDR's and even appears to suggest they aren't that hard. However, there is one point yet to be discussed:

"Attachment and caregiving cognition, motivation, and behavior are aspects of evolutionary-based behavioral systems that produce strong emotion (Bowlby, 1988). In important romantic relationships, partners have attachment and caregiving bonds with each other. Theoretically (Bowlby, 1969), LDR separations activate the attachment system and lead to separation protest, even when separation is a choice. The protest is attachment behavior, action designed to gain or maintain a comfortable range of proximity to the partner. Protest is evident in LDR interviewee comments (e.g., "I grieve every Monday"; Magnuson & Norem, 1999, p. 131) and reports of loneliness, sadness, missing the partner, and dreading  separation (Guldner, 1996)."

Ouch, right? So, how does one deactivate this natural reflex? This 'separation protest'? Well, here's where it gets interesting.

In GCR's, the satisfaction of each other's attachment and caregiving needs depends exclusively on their ability to do so; conversely, in LDR's this means little, since neither can do much while being apart. No matter how 'functional' their relationship may be, the apart-together cycles  they go through naturally inflict stress in the relationship.The article here relies on a theory of separation anxiety which I am not going to describe in much detail here; I will only say that most people deal with separation either by being anxious to be with the other person (and thus needing the closeness) or by avoiding contact so as to minimize the effects of said separation.

Happily, the authors of the article has some suggestions for both:

For the first kind of people, research indicates, there are many ways to reduce this anxiety as long as they can perceive the partner as available. This can be done by having pictures of the partner or frequent e-mails or phone calls.

The second group has it a little easier, since avoidant attachment makes distance work as a motivating factor for commitment. Still, this isn't always a good thing. Since this kind of partner doesn't feel as much anxiety from the separation right away, they might feel their commitment is weakening... But with time they realize it is not so.

The one thing that is definitely compromised in LDR's is caregiving. The couple may feel disappointed that they can't be there for the other person and thus 'fail' in being a safe 'haven' for them. Still, this is normally compensated through finding ways to actively demonstrate their love for the other person and substituting physical caregiving with verbal communication. Actually, this also makes for the development of better communication with each other.

In the end, the research goes on to show that what most people believe makes LDR's break up (anxiety, avoidance, fear of losing the other person, etc.) is significant only when ignoring the three factors which influence commitment. In other words, commitment in GCR's and LDR's is quite similar, except the former rely more on satisfaction and the latter on the investments made in the relationship; this since LDR partners are more likely to rule out any other alternatives before beginning said relationship. 

Once I read that "some men seem larger at a distance"; I found it funny that, in this research, people in GCR's are more likely to compare their partner's flaws with other possible alternatives, while people in LDR's tend to be in their best behaviour and appearence in the little time they see each other and, thus, increasing the satisfaction factor. Still, this also means that they see each other in situations of high anxiety and stress due to separation, which keep them from idealizing each other.

The injured lover's hell, the green eyed monster...

"Born in love but propelled by rage, jealousy is a complex relational experience. It is a

visceral fear of loss, a set of paradoxical feelings and thoughts, an action and a reaction. Milton referred to it as the ‘‘injured lover’s hell,’’ Shakespeare, as the ‘‘green eyed monster’’ that destroys love and annihilates the beloved person. The 19th century Brazilian writer Machado de Assis described it as a ‘‘doubt,’’ a twilight between fantasy and reality, that drives a person into madness"

So, while going through some articles online I came across this one, and I found the definition breathtaking... Not only is it so poetic it makes it sound beautiful in an odd way, but I believe it defines that feeling so accurately I could never match it.

At one point, before I started this new relationship I'm in, I thought I had overcome that feeling and was rid of it for good - I couldn't have been more wrong... And yet, who's to say that some jealousy isn't healthy? Looking back I have come to realize I have only stopped feeling jealous altogether when I am not afraid I will lose the person I love - this can either mean that I don't really care or that I'm being arrogant.

At one point I was in a relationship with someone who I was pretty sure wouldn't leave me, no matter what I did. My indifference towards his absence was proportional to the intensity of the happiness that relationship brought me - in simpler words, I didn't care much if he left because he wasn't bringing much into my life anyway. 

Now, how do people normally react when they're jealous? Well, the article I'm quoting goes on:

The experience of jealousy tends

to arise without warning at a particular moment when one partner behaves in a way

that stirs up a fear of betrayal in the other. To manage the anxieties engendered, the

jealous partner may become sullen, inquisitive, or aggressive.

Ok, so I'm interested in the partner "stirring up" a fear of betrayal... This, of course, does not mean that they actually betrayed anyone, they just disturbed a sleeping monster that was already there! Like the author says "Some of the vulnerabilities that typically underlie jealousy are: a need to be recognized as the most special person in the life of the partner, fears of abandonment and betrayal, and feelings of inadequacy in which the person feels unattractive or unworthy". Are you relating to any of this yet?

The experience of the jealous person resembles a trance-like state characterized by

intrusive fantasies and fears, compulsiveness, and irrational associations.

I love that, a "trance-like" state. Have you ever found yourself going on a jealous rant while inside your head you're like "but this is stupid, I'm being silly"... And yet, there's no way to stop it once it gets going...

The French

philosopher Roland Barthes speaks of the contradictions involved: ‘‘As a jealous man,

I suffer four times over: because I am jealous, because I blame myself for being so,

because I fear that my jealousy will wound the other, because I allow myself to be

subject to a banality: I suffer from being excluded, from being aggressive, from being

crazy, and from being common’’

And one ends up having an internal battle on top of the one going on with their partner, stuck in an ambivalence that seems to eat him up.

The article goes on, explaining how this can be treated... But it doesn't mean that everyone's going to pull an Othelo on their partner just because they have wandering eyes!

I prefer to put a more positive spin on this. When jealousy is controlled (not violent or obsessive), it can show the person they are loved and cherished - I'm sure we all like to feel like someone appreciates us enough to not want to lose us. Of course, if this turns into incessant questioning, passive-aggressive behavior and meaningless fights, it stops being good for the relationship.

So, yeah, jealousy is irrational, it can turn love into rage in seconds and is more related to what one has going on in his own head than what is really happening. But most of us can't make it go away entirely, the best we can hope for is to learn to manage it, identify its absurdity and work through it with our partner... Because, in the end, it is just love expressed in a not-so-functional way and it needs only be set back on track.

SCHEINKMAN, M. (2010). Disarming Jealousy in Couples Relationships: A Multidimensional Approach SCHEINKMAN & WERNECK. Family Process, 49(4), 486-502.

Letting go versus bear-hugging someone to death

Lately I've understood this saying, perhaps truly for the first time. If you love someone, let them go... Well, you know the rest.

I've been reflecting on the idea of 'holding on to someone'... When I try to picture it, it's like that person is trying to run away and you're stopping them, grabbing on to them for dear life, because it feels like letting go would mean not seeing them again. But, how much satisfaction can one possibly get from achieving 'love' like that? Forcing someone to stay despite what they may want? Also, when you hold someone too tight, you mostly end up suffocating them.

I am the kind of person who (and perhaps this is a cultural thing, but I'll get to that on some other post), when I start dating someone, I spend as much time as I can with that person. And only in the past few years did I learn that when someone says 'I need some space' it doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to be with me or they want to go hunting for someone else...

I have especially grasped the concept that, when you love someone, if you let them go they won't necessarily run away; I mean, why would they? Someone who loves you is with you because they want to be with you, not because you're holding on to them.

In short, now I think that if you love someone, you should let them go (even if just as an experiment)... They will probably stay in the same place they were, close to you, showing you that they have more than one reason to be there... And if they do run away, you're better off - there's no point in trying to force someone to stay since, eventually, they will find a way to escape anyway.

The gap between 'Te amo' and I love you.

For a while I have been thinking about how language plays such an important role in the way people interact. Even among those who speak the same language, some concepts might be understood so differently that it could cause misunderstandings and chaos - so, of course, when two cultures clash it can get a bit complicated.

Specifically, I am interested in how Spanish and English speakers express their affection for each other, the words we use and what they mean.

Here's a scenario I consider rather typical: Two people meet, they talk for a while and one says to the other "I like you". They date for a while, feelings start to get stronger and they feel comfortable saying... What? 'I love you'?

In Spanish we have two different ways of saying 'I love you': "Te quiero" and "Te amo". And this is a BIG difference and kind of a relief since there is something between 'like' and 'love'. For us, 'Te amo', which many might consider closer to 'I love you', means a deep love for someone; something serious and strong. However, "Te quiero" is more like saying 'I want you'... It is still affection but on a different level.

The way I see it is like this, you say "me gustas" when you want to get to know someone; "te quiero" when you feel you want to be closer to that person, you 'want' them by your side, to be yours... I think love transcends that, it is a desire to see the other person happy, to share experiences and be more than what two people are when they're on their own. I don't think 'love' can hurt... Even when two people are apart, love can remain. I think it hurts when you 'want' the other person by your side, when you want them to be yours... Also, if someone said "Te amo" to me after only a few dates, I'd totally run away... LOL

Somehow, I think this can be a problem when two people with different native languages start a relationship. Especially if neither is aware of this cultural difference. Saying 'Te amo' in Spanish, at least for me, requires a lot of time of knowing the other person... And yet, I think I have come to understand 'I love you', in English, more as a 'Te quiero'... I think that, as a native speaker of Spanish, there is no way to express those feelings of love in any other way than saying: Te amo.

The flavor of life

Standing at the end of a story that ended too soon - or rather, just when it was meant to.

In the past month I loved, lived, cried, sang, hugged, kissed.. With a passion I hadn't in years. A love meant to end, a relationship that was not to be, and yet it was.

During this time, I also came across many people who did not understand why I would put my heart in a seemingly "pointless relationship" (sic). These people told me that they did not believe in 'Disney' love; love, they said, is a companionship, a relationship through which two people share a common project. And I agree completely.

However, isn't that also a friendship? Or just a partnership? I believe love is made of all these things as well... But, like the Gestalt theory suggests, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Then again, I've heard people say that such feelings (which develop so quickly) can't be 'real love'... That makes me wonder, 'what is REAL love?' Why can't we let ourselves be reckless for a while, allowing a feeling to take us over and show us a whole new world?

I live by the idea that everything in this world has a price, and we need to pay exactly that - no more and no less. I know so many people who say they want to find someone to love and who will love them back, and yet they are not willing to pay the price! I think that the cost of such a relationship is, mainly, getting out of your comfort zone and betting your heart. Actually, once I heard someone say that "to receive a certain amount of happiness, you have to pay with an equal amount of unhappiness" - and while it might sound a bit extreme, I'd say it makes a lot of sense. A connection with someone that makes you smile like never before can, by definition, access that part of you which can make you cry like never before.

And isn't it worth it?

Quoting Rose (from Gypsy) "Some people can get a thrill, knitting sweaters and sitting still; that's peachy for some people who don't know they're alive! But I at least gotta try!".

Love is meant to be felt, not understood. Someone who brings you a feeling of completeness, who makes you smile just by thinking about them, whose goodbye feels like a part of you is being torn... Someone like that... Why let them just pass you by?

Someone asked me some time ago how it was that I had long term relationships and always managed to find someone who wanted that. I think it's because I take the risk; I've seen what loving someone is like.. I've felt what it's like to be loved. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing (and certainly not fear), that could keep me from trying to get that again. It's too precious a feeling to undermine just because it 'might not last'. If the person goes away, if it doesn't work, I'll still have those fond memories with me for as long as I live... And, if you're the kind of person who believes in the afterlife, maybe even after I die.

So, why did I say it was too soon? Because I wish it had lasted forever. Why did I then correct myself and say it was when it was how it was meant to be? Well, what I want is not always what I need, right? The timing was right for the time we had. And, if it really is meant to be, well... The world is not that big anymore... And time goes by quite quickly... Things can happen... And things can change... At their own pace.

This relationship gave me more than I could have asked for and helped me realize that, yes, I can still fall in love. I have no regrets.

The L word... Not lesbian-related, by the way!

No, it's not Lesbian... I've never even seen that show! I just found it an appropriate title for this entry.

Once, after saying "I'm in love!" someone said to me "well, you fall in love every 15 minutes"... At first, I was offended and it even got me thinking whether it was true, but not long after I realized some things: firstly, I do not fall in love every 15 minutes, however I am very intense when I like someone; secondly, what if I did?

I have met so many people who live in panic of saying or hearing the 'l' word. Why is it so hard for people to say that word? Some responses are "because it's not REAL love" or "you don't really mean it"... And while I agree that someone who says they love you and want to move in with you on the second date should be sent to therapy, I think that keeping yourself from telling someone how you feel because of how they MIGHT react is also mental.

About 6 years ago, while dating the guy with whom I've had my longest relationship, I came to the conclusion that my feelings themselves were what mattered... We went to a restaurant and I told him "I need to tell you something... And, don't worry, I don't need you to say it back, I know you don't feel it yet; I have waited until being at the point where I don't need you to say it for me to feel fine" and then I told him I loved him. He cried and said he was very happy to hear it and he didn't love me back... Yet... A couple of months later he said it and we were together for 4 and a half years.

There are many reasons for people to say 'I love you', like getting laid, getting someone to do something they're not too enthusiastic about, to hear it back, to feel needed, etc. But I think that when you say it just because you feel it, with no other objective but to let the other person know, then there's no way you can lose...

So, my advice? If you feel something for someone... TELL THEM SO! Don't be afraid to say 'I love you'! So what if you say it to many people? It just means you have a great capacity to love! And let people criticize you, it's just a reminder that they can't feel what you do... 

We should be less worried about loving people forever and more concerned with loving people NOW! If you wait too long, it might be too late.

Knowing when to leave.

This concept has eluded me for years now. I have been in situations where I end up losing just because I either stayed too long or too little. So, when do you know when to leave?

When you date someone almost twice your age who makes less than you do?

When you have an awesome relationship and things are going too well?

When you date someone with a crappy life, help them build a new one and get less than a 'thank you' for it?

When you find an awesome guy who has had too little life experience and needs to live on his own for a while?

When you find yourself being more dramatic than soap operas and swearing you'll "never beg any other man not to leave"?

Have you ever asked yourself this? It doesn't matter if it was during or after the relationship; was there ever a time when you wondered why you were together? ...Or worse, a time when you just assumed there was just no other way?

It's odd how things work out sometimes. In the end, I think you cannot really 'learn' from past relationships because every person is different... And, as much as 'statistics' or any other 'science' tries to prove otherwise, there's no way to predict how the next situation will fare considering previous events.

As I look back, I think I have always 'left' right at the moment I was supposed to; at least, I know I got something from each separation, at least enough to prepare myself for what's to come. I mean, I might not be able to know how the next guy will deal with jealousy or the future, but I will hardly will date another guy whose major aspiration in life is to work at a 7-eleven while I work in a hospital (not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you, I just refuse to play 'bread-winner' or 'problem-solver' -not to say 'daddy'-).

In fact, I have seen this, not only in myself, but in people around me as well: we tend to stick with someone who 'kind-of-works' because we're too afraid there might not be a better option... Or worse, we doubt that 'better option' will even take a second look at us. On this matter, what I have observed is that, people who settle normally can't answer to the question 'why are you with him?' with more than a half-smile (which looks more like some weird frown). And then we're stuck with the ideas of 'oh, but we have built so much together!' or 'but oh, whatever will I/he do without him/me??'. 

I think that the best time to leave is when you cannot find this one simple reason to be with someone: this person makes me happy and we can share our lives together... Of course, this also implies that both parts actually HAVE lives to share, instead of one mushy lump of a half-life built out of whatever was salvaged when they tried to fuse with each other out of sheer desperation and fear of being left alone.

I know for instance that, through time, I have been able to answer the questions I posed at the beginning of this entry...

If your aspirations don't match, there's no way you can build a future together... Unless you're willing to give up yours to take up his.

If you think it's 'too good' then you're probably not ready for it... And if you want to be, you better work to keep it instead of spending valuable energy self-commiserating.

If you want to help someone 'get a new life', you need to consider they already lost one (or more); which probably means they are not that grateful or aware of what they receive to begin with, so what can you expect?

If you're not both at the same stage of your lives, one of you will either have to speed up or slow down; and who has all that time? Unless both reach a compromise, it's really hard.

If you want to be that intense, just remember that love like that is exactly like a raging fire; it'll consume everything until nothing is left... And it will act quickly...

Of love and... Desire.

"Love is the yearning of loving and preserving the loved one. A centrifugal impulse; unlike the centripetal desire. It is an impulse towards expansion (...) it implies the impulse of protecting, nurturing, give shelter and caress and pamper, or protect jealously. (...) While 'desire' longs to consume, love wishes to possess. Desire is self-destructive; love, self-preserving." Zygmunt Bauman on "Liquid Love".

Two people meet, like each other and decide they want to know whether they can be compatible on other things besides aesthetics. They talk, laugh and find each other's company pleasant, even satisfactory. As the evening develops, they long to feel the other person and feel a fire whenever there is a surreptitious touch... When they say goodbye, they kiss and realise there is something there...

So, what do they do? Or rather, what can they do? 

This initial connection is a powerful desire which could consume both of them in a blazing fire (which I'm not saying is wrong). But what happens after the flames are gone? After that first attraction fades away and you see the person bare, without the mystery of the unknown that surrounded them. Desire centers one's attention towards itself... Or rather, oneself... Sometimes it takes longer for the blaze to expose what hides beneath, but it never fails. 

If let alone, desire can be too intense and scald the surface of whoever is feeling it, altering their perception and making them too sensitive to what comes afterwards; thus preventing them from exploring the newly discovered individual.

Love, on the other hand, is a feeling of growth; an impetus to become better and improve the one beside you. While Bauman says love is possession, and I agree, I also think it is creation. In a previous entry I talked about the 'admiration' component in a romantic relationship, I think that is what can keep the desire renovating itself; I believe it is a fire centered, not around devouring, but absorbing and making that part of whoever you love, yours.