Playing the game

Dude: "So, did you have a good time?"

Me: "No, not really. We don't seem to have much in common. But thanks! Good luck!"

Seriously, after alternating between staring blankly into space and one-syllable semi-dialogues, it's kind of obvious, isn't it? And, in my mind, I'm thinking he must have been feeling the same way; and yet, they feel like I'm too rough.

But isn't that nicer than an 'oh, sure, I'll call you!" and then deleting their info from your cell?

I think the opposite is also true, when you go out with someone you really like, there's nothing wrong with calling the next day. Some people have told me it's best to wait and 'play it cool'... Well, while it IS fun every now and then, I don't really see the point of these odd social interaction rules.

There's another unspoken rule I find rather off-putting: beating around the bush instead of saying what you want. I mean, I am not saying I like having a chat window open with tasteless sexual offers (also, there's nothing wrong with being horny AND civilized!) but the whole "I want to be friends" when your profile pic shows your bare ass is not very convincing, is it?

I guess I never really learned to play the game. I have seen how being a bastard makes people be more attracted to you... I have been on both sides. But I find it such a waste of time! When you find someone that awakens that little light in your heart and stirs your insides, why not let them know? 

Oh, wait, I know! "I'm afraid I'll get hurt" or "what if he uses that against me?"... Well, I say "so, what?" You're going to be anxious and obsessing over it anyway, right? It's not like you can just turn your feelings off. Instead you're stuck in the same place feeling uneasy and, perhaps, hurting yourself with stupid ideas. Why not just take the chance and the risk? 

I know many people who prefer to live on the safe side. Not getting too involved, superficially dating people getting as little as possible to satisfy their need for closeness without risking being hurt. Living anesthetised, unable to feel. 

Very recently, I fell in love. Hard. With someone with whom, I knew, I couldn't have a lasting relationship; and yet, I prefer to live a month, or a week, deeply in love, intensely, letting it fill my whole being. True, the price for such a heavenly feeling is, of course, equivalent. Whatever you get in life, I think, you need to pay for. If you want to live blissful love, you need to work and pay accordingly - emotionally speaking. Is it rough? Does it hurt? Do you feel like you're dying inside when it's over? Yes. Is it worth it? I believe so. When I say that I lived a week being happy as I have ever been, isn't it logical that losing it would give me an unhappiness equally as strong? 

One cannot expect to find a love to die for by offering only what is safe to give. You get what you pay for, no more and, of course, no less.

About bears and rejection.

You're not fat enough.

You're not hairy enough.

You're not big enough.

Your beard is not thick enough.

You're not (insert other options here) enough.

Ever heard any of this from a bear? 

This is one thing I have never quite understood. I don't know how common this is in other countries but it is very frequent in Mexico City.

What bugs me about it is the incoherence of it all. Just last week I was talking to a student about how, when I was in secondary school, I felt so ashamed of my body because I thought I was 'too thin'; today I know I'm not but it took years of work to realize it! However, I still remember the feeling of rejection and of 'not quite fitting in'... More than that, I have come to understand how stupid is to be rude to somebody or judge them just because they don't meet the requirements of 'beauty' that society has established.

Now, that being said, I also remember those other guys who were also bullied because of their weight, but because they were chubby instead... 

As far as I understand, the bear community was formed by those guys and for that exact same reason. I believe it was in order for those who felt rejected to have a place to belong to... Especially those who did not really fit the 'magazine-gay' stereotype... Why, then, are there some bears who insist on doing that? 

I must admit I do have some issues with guys who are feminine to the point of wearing girls' clothes or make-up, and while I wouldn't date them or want to look like them, it doesn't mean I'm rude to them. 

Now, I am, of course, not talking about everyone. I have a wonderful circle of bear friends who I love a lot; I have also met many friendly bears who practice what they preach. In fact, when I went to Washington D.C., I was welcomed rather warmly despite not being big and furry! I even found out that, while not a bear, I can still be part of the community as a wolf or a chaser! Even women are accepted and, sometimes, called 'goldilocks'!

So, yeah, I think we're doing something really wrong here in Mexico. And I also think it's the reason why it's so hard for the bear community to grow and become stronger.

(Straight) Dating protocol.

As I immerse myself back in the world of 'dating', I have come across an issue that troubles me: the dating protocol.

In more ways than one, straight people have it pretty simple, they follow a clear (granted, cheuvanistic) plan: boy asks girl out, they dress up, go somewhere for dinner, the boy pays, maybe kiss goodnight and the boy is supposed to call her back. Also, the mere fact that they have gone out implies that they like each other, at least a little bit.

I have found, however, that between two men it's not as clear. It is not necessarily implied that they like each other and the intentions either of them may have can be misunderstood.

More than once I have found myself on a date but not sure whether it actually is one - I mean, going out with a guy but doubtful about the other guy's intentions. The funny thing is that, more often than not, a bit after the 'date' the other guy says something like 'I had a great time' or 'you're really cute' which kind of quells my fears.

Still, the whole 'who calls whom' and 'how soon' still vex me.

Even more, in Mexico some people tend to think that after going out once or twice you automatically become 'boyfriends' and, therefore, exclusive. While I think that the idea of 'going out' with someone doesn't necessarily mean you will not meet other people in the process...

What I'm trying to say is, while sticking to the traditional dating protocol may work to a point, I believe there are situations dictated by sexual-role-related issues which cannot be overseen or simply taken for granted. It would be really interesting (or perhaps it will even be real soon) to see how the new TV shows, movies or stories in general handle the issue of gay dating. Though, most likely, it will just be a sorry adaptation of the 'straight' protocol.

Dating

Yeah, the 'D' word... I have always been so bad at it! And now that I'm single, I find myself trying to figure out how one is supposed to do it.

I started 'dating' when I was 15, but I kind of think that didn't really count; however, after I broke up with him, it only took about a month for me to meet my first real boyfriend, whom I was with for a bit over 2 years... After him, I was single for, perhaps, a couple of months before I met my next boyfriend - I think of him as my first life partner. We dated for a while, became 'boyfriends' and lived together for a couple of years... After splitting up, I was single for a couple of months as well, until I started having a long distance relationship with an American bear, who is now my roommate.

Wow, that sounds like some sort of crazy confession, huh? But rather, I see it as a way of setting the background for the topic at hand: I have never been good at dating.

When I go out with someone, I must admit I'm pretty practical. If I feel a connection and we hit it off, then I make time and try to find ways so we can see each other often and find out whether we can turn into something else; if not, well, let's just say I see no point in going forward. Or at least that's what I used to do.

As I dive back into the dating world I realise that, not only do I lack the experience most people seem to have, but apparently I have no natural instincts to show me how to behave. I find the whole process kind of pointless in a way. The idea that you should wait after the first date so as not to seem to eager; the fact that a guy will almost always be way more interested if he thinks you are not; the ambiguity of what each person wants when they meet, etc.

While I do find it kind of exciting and fun for a bit, I think it should be way more simple... Like, you meet and you put the cards on the table, that way nobody wastes anybody's time! 

Ok, fine, I have become kind of unromantic and, apparently, I don't have as much patience for these games as I used to. But I think it's as inconsistent as those people who have profiles on websites where you meet people and say things like "looking for friends and love" on their profile while having pictures of themselves completely naked and bending over; if you're looking for sex, just say it! I think it's silly that, in this day and age, people are still so concerned about being judged for who they are or what they do - mainly concerning their sex life.

So, I have commited to stay single through the end of the year. For the first time in my life, I think I am learning to really enjoy being by myself; focusing on myself, my friends, my job, my studies... I also want to learn all that so popular, and yet obscure to me, dating code. I want to learn when to call, when not to call, the things one is supposed to say and do in order to stay in the game... While I am in it. 

I still believe that it is a pointless game but I want to immerse myself in it for a while... When I tell this to my friends they roll their eyes and say that I'll probably have a new boyfriend by the end of the month... And they might be right! But at least for now, I am willing to take a different approach.

Hmmm... Today's post was a bit all over the place... I guess I just have a lot of ideas in my mind and can't seem to organise them!

So, what do you think about the whole dating game? Are you good at it? How did you learn? ... ... And most importantly... What have you learned?