"Till death do us part" he said... But I'm not that patient...!

This is a topic I hadn't thought of until today. I mean, on the one hand it is very common... You know how most things nowadays have to be updated like every other week in order to catch up to our fast-moving lives? I mean, you buy a computer or software and, the second you walk out the store, the new one is already out! However, I had not considered how this can be applied to the very important issue of relationships and commitment.

Last year, while attending a conference on sexuality and gender studies, one of the experts commented that the idea of 'marrying someone for love' is quite new, about 100 years old; before that, people saw it as a way to obtain material gain and/or mantain/improve their social status - it was just a contract. 

And still, today people have this illogical idea that marriage is and always has been based on love, since the dawn of mankind! Absurd!

On the other hand, I must admit that, deep down, I too dream of the fairy tale ending and a 'happily ever after' - mind you, I have come to terms with the idea that it is more important to have a stable life than a wild passionate romance that lasts an eternity... But what does that mean? 

Until like a few hundred years ago people lived to be around 40 or 50 tops... By the time you turned 20 you were already halfway to the other side... But now, if you marry someone when you're, say, 27... You might have to be with them about 60 more years! I really don't think this contract was devised for such circumstances...

One of my teachers was telling me about a theory which says that the new generations will have about 4 stable partners (I won't go into the details of why, of course...): One to experiment and discover what it's like to be with someone; one to have children or create something with; one to have fun in a mature way; and finally, one who you will be with till you're old and die. The interesting thing is not whether this is true or not, but rather how we have no idea what relationships will be like in a few years! I mean, that already sounds to me like you get an iBoyfriend and in a couple of months you either upgrade this one or get a new model altogether! 

This is not necessarily a bad thing, of course. I think it is quite sensible to be able to know whether you are happy with the person you are with and be mature enough to accept that it might end in a different way than the "happily ever after", and act accordingly... While the alternative is staying together forever because divorce equals sin and you'd rather live in hell here but get a wonderful afterlife...

A long time ago I heard a priest say that the whole "till death do us part" had been modified to accommodate the needs of a specific time (when they didn't want people getting divorced) despite the original idea being "till the death of love do us part" or something like that... Which is a much more reasonable clause...

In my opinion, these changes are the inevitable evolution of relationships in an ever-changing world and must be taken according to what each individual needs... As long as all the participants are informed and agree, I think they can lead their lives as they please... What do you think?

It's all in how you take it... It doesn't have to hurt!

I have heard words like 'faggot' and 'queer' countless times (ironically not usually directed at me, even when walking on the street holding hands with my bear) and I am hardly surprised or offended. In fact, I have come to terms with most terms and have no problems with them.

A long time ago, when my sister was around 13 or 14, she came home crying one day and said she was very angry 'cause in her school someone said I was a homo... I looked her in the eye, smiled and said: "Well, I am. And you have known that for a while too." I will never forget the expression on her face when she realised it was true and said "oh, right!" - she didn't have any more problems since then.

Funny how this works, huh? I think that, although most of these terms are intended as an offense, it depends on how we take them. When someone says stuff like "pillow-biter" or it's opposite, I just think "well, yeah! Sometimes. So?". I can't help but picture myself calling a heterosexual man something like "pussy-lover!" - they would probably smile and say "hell yeah!".

Why can't we be proud of our own sexuality and start learning to accept it ourselves? I think it's quite ironic that we complain about people rejecting and judging us when the real problem is in how we take things... Most gay men know that if it hurts, you're most likely doing it wrong! 

Being 'too gay' - What does that really mean?

Lately I have been thinking about this topic. I needed to get some new clothes and couldn't decide on where to go... Should I go somewhere fashionable or a place with more neutral clothes? Is wearing bright colours too much or is it odd to wear flannel shirts most of the time? 

While pondering on this topic I went on a designer's website and was terrified by the main page: a boy(?) wearing a flowery pink 'suit', a low-cut (WTF?) t-shirt (which looked more like a blouse) and a really thin scarf-type-thing around his neck... I, of course, decided against looking for anything fashion-related ever again. 

Still, this kind of judgement might have gone a bit too far, I mean it's not like we always have to stick to extremes... But where is the happy queer medium when it comes to what you wear? 

Also, what is the problem with being 'too gay'? I myself have come to realise I have this conflict when I hear people saying my 'gayness' shows a little... And it makes me uncomfortable and a bit too self-conscious - even though I always pride myself in the fact that I'm happy with my sexuality!

I don't really have a 'conclusion' on this topic right now... But I know I will definitely not walk around wearing clothes that make people wonder whether I have a twin sister I share my clothes with!

Lays - you can't have just one... Oops, did I miss the apostrophe?

This week I was preparing a questionnaire for a study on polyamorous relationships when I proposed to use the following item: "I have had less than 5 sex partners in the last..." - and here is where it got interesting... My research partner said "two years?" and I said "what? I was going to say 2 months!"

That's when I had a slight epiphany on two things: one, I spend all my time with gay men and thus have lost the grip on the idea that there are other kinds of lifestyles; two, straight people don't have nearly as much sex as we do... 

This might sound silly to some people, but then I wondered how many of my friends can still count the people they have had sex with? I mean, this girl knew the exact number (I'm sure she knows names and all). Personally, I can still remember (almost) all of them since I wasn't that active until a short time ago... But I can sense that soon it'll be impossible (and pointless) for me to try to list them.

Now, although I agree that women in general (at least in the straight world) tend to be more... reserved... about who they sleep with, I think it's way more than that. We were discussing this and we agreed that with men it's really just sex and nothing more... It's like "hey, you're hot, wanna do something?" "ok" and that's that.

I haven't had the chance to ask my friends directly how many people they think they have slept with but a couple of them gave me enough information by answering: "like, in the last week? or month?"

I'm not really interested in getting all philosophical here about the topic but it does get one to think... How does this change the way men interact? Does this mean it's harder for us to connect on that level or do we do other things that require that intimacy?

So, perhaps you won't feel like exposing yourself but... How many have you jumped in the sack with?

A whole new meaning to "Hanky" Panky - The Hanky code in the leather community

A couple of weeks ago, I was reminded of this topic in one of our parties. See, in Mexico, most 'traditions' related to the bear or leather community are literally non-existent, so I was quite surprised to see that one of our bear friends had a red handkerchief in his right side... Now, in the leather community this would mean he is a fisting bottom... Of course, when we told him, he had absolutely no idea of what it meant and was quite shocked by it - he obviously removed it immediately.

Anyway, the interesting point is how in this country a lot of people may talk about how they are part of this or that group without really even knowing what it is about. I remember when I went to D.C. to visit my current boyfriend, he took me to this leather-store where I saw these little cards with a bunch of colours and what they represented. It went something like this:

Left back pocket - Top

Right back pocket - Bottom

Black - S&M

Red - Fisting

Dark Blue - Anal sex

Light Blue - Oral sex

Yellow - Watersports

Brown - Scat

Green - Hustler*

Orange - Anything, anytime.

Purple - Piercing*

Gray - Bondage

(*I'm not really sure about these ones, I lost my card and I got these from Wikipedia... The others I think are correct, though).

My bear then explained how there were all these codes that people actually used in the community... Then I remembered this very famous bar in Mexico City called "Tom's Leather Bar". Now, this place is probably as hardcore as it gets... And nothing really happens. It's basically a bar (where nobody is wearing leather or anything like it) with a back room where people go to mess around. There is nothing there that even remotely resembles a 'community'.

Now, while I don't actually think I could get into this world, I think it's pretty cool to have this form of communication, it somehow makes it feel more like an actual group in which you can really feel like you belong.

Note: I found a more detailed list here, if you are interested http://www.cuffs.stuorg.iastate.edu/?p=199

Happy VD!! Hope you have a great one!! ...BTW I meant Valentine's day!

Those initials can stand for so many things... Like, there is a gay club in Mexico called "VD+"... Happily most people remain oblivious to its most common meaning... I can't help but laugh whenever people say "It's only a hundred pesos to get into VD+"... 

So, a friend of mine posted on Facebook something like "this weekend it's not about finding Mr. Right, but about finding someone to spend Valentine's with!" I don't think he could have said it any better.

How many people go out desperate to find someone to share this 'so-called' special day with? Don't get me wrong, I am a total prey to marketing events and things like this just make me go crazy and buy romantic crap. But, what are the side-effects and dangers of this quest?

I know a lot of clubs organise VD related events... And how often do people just hook-up because they feel even more lonely on this day? Hell, how often do they settle for people they wouldn't even look at on a different date?

This got me thinking about how honest people are about their own VD... Yes, this time I mean the nasty VD!

I have been lucky enough to meet people who are very up front about having anything... But through my education and vicarious knowledge I have learned that you can get lots of stuff without even knowing it... Or do you always check the other person's body for any sign of infection? There are things that aren't obvious, you know? And in the heat of the moment, really, most people are already sucking cock before even taking their pants off... Let alone inspecting it beforehand (pun intended).

So, this weekend go, eat, drink, play... But remember that, most likely, this is just for this weekend so don't put all your eggs in one basket because it might be easier to find Mr. Right on a day when not everybody is looking for a remedy for loneliness... 

Oh, and one more thing... A red hanky does NOT mean "romantic and nice"... It means FF... Fist-F*ck! But you knew that, right? No? Ok, my next entry will be about the renowned Hanky Code in the leather community! 

Wake up and smell the poppers! - Poppers and HIV

That was one of the topics which casually came up during one of the classes I taught today; we were talking about banned substances and one of my students, who I think is gay, mentioned this specific issue - the rest, being straight, had no idea what it was about, so I explained a bit.

Everybody has, at least, heard of this substance, considered to be a 'sexual enhancer'... But how much do we actually know about it?

After today's brief explanation to my students (don't worry, they are all adults) I decided to do a bit of research and I found VERY interesting and, I think, not widely spread information.

But first, the basics. If you either live in a nunnery or haven't had sex with more than one person (who might've lived in a monastery) then you may not know what I'm talking about. Poppers are Amyl Nitrate, a substance which expands or dilates blood vessels and is used by some people during sex because of this quality, it helps dilate the anus (which makes anal sex easier), it makes the orgasms more intense and, in general, it makes you feel a bit wilder and hornier.

However, I came across a study relating HIV to popper use... Evidently, it was found that men who use poppers during sex are more prone to get infected or contract an STD even while wearing a condom - I'll explain a bit further.

Poppers dilate the blood vessels and, therefore, the concentration of blood in the anus increases, making it easier for the HIV virus (though I think this is redundant since the 'V' stands for Virus) to get through these vessels - there is also a higher chance of bleeding. But this is not all, the most surprising thing is that this substance also inhibits your immune system, facilitating the infection of any other STD as well. Scary, huh?

So, it's not only that these things make you hornier and wilder, they also make you less resistant to infections and health issues... I'm not condemning its use, I'm just saying that this information should be more widespread/published...

Personally, I can't use poppers and haven't because I tend to respond badly to drugs - I have only used alcohol and caffeine but I absorb them very quickly so the effect tends to be heightened - and I wouldn't want to risk a heart attack or something like that. But also, I think it stinks like HELL!!

If you want to know more about this study, let me know and I will send you the article (I included the reference at the bottom of this entry).

Reference
Walsh N. POP GO THE POPPERS. Gay Community News [serial online]. August 2008;(224):40. Available from: LGBT Life with Full Text, Ipswich, MA. Accessed February 2, 2011.

Bearing the boredom - bars aren't what they used to be!

See this picture? With the three bears standing there looking lost, with nowhere to go? Well, that was us yesterday. Since my birthday is coming up, my bear, one of my best friends and I decided to go out somewhere fun... Oddly enough, we ended up standing on a sidewalk being approached by strange prostitutes, pimps, indescribable creatures of the night (not the kind you'd like to be touch-a-touch-a-touch-a-touched by!) for like 30 minutes before we decided to give up.

First of all, I must admit it was partly my fault since I wanted to stay somewhere close enough to walk back home; lately I have been kind of paranoid about taking a taxi home too late at night. Plus, we live like 10 minutes away from the 'gay' neighbourhood which is supposed to be full of... well... gayness!

Anyway, we decided we did not want to go to the bear bar because we are kind of fed up with it - (in our opinion) the DJ is terrible and it is just a bunch of hairless bears posing to see who's the biggest diva (no pun intended) - and started walking by the other gay clubs in the area. Now it might just be me getting older, but I swear those twinks are just waaaaay too young! Most of them drunk, smoking (not sure what) and with looks that I just couldn't understand - one had blue and pink cotton candy coloured hair, and it did NOT look good on him! We, then, proceeded to check the more 'classy' bars, but they were almost completely empty. So, long story short, we ended up going to the bear bar...

As expected, the music was only so-so most of the time. My friend was approached by a rather hot bear, but the latter disappeared shortly after (not sure why). Before being bored to death, we decided to go somewhere else... And we started walking around... ... ... ... ... ... Until we ended up just as described above.

I think it's pretty odd that we couldn't find a place to have fun the whole night... But, as we were coming home, I was thinking that the 'fun' places I used to go 3 or 4 years ago are closed today and I don't really know many of the new ones - to which I must add that the crowds I have seen in most of them are less than encouraging.

I mean, it's fine since we mostly have get-togethers at home but I wonder if there really isn't a fun place to go around here that doesn't require us to be drunk out of our senses to enjoy!

What kind of places do you like to go to?

Polyamory - and some thoughts on the evolution of relationships.

First of all, I do not mean evolution as in 'getting better'; this term refers to things changing over time - I don't really care for the concepts of 'good' and 'bad'. I should also clarify that the difference between polyamory and cheating is that, in the former, all the participants are informed and agree to the interaction; while in the latter, this does not happen and it is more a matter of one person having two lovers.

So, now that that has been settled. This semester I will carry out an investigation on the topic of polyamorous relationships and the interaction between its members...

When I brought the subject up in class the teacher said she thinks that for someone to be able to be part of this kind of relationships, they should have no jealous feelings whatsoever - I believe it is the other way around. In my point of view, being in an 'open' relationship requires commitment from both parts and, yes, trust - you still have a contract in which the couple agrees to a concept of 'fidelity' which they should both mind.

While this can be a very controversial issue on many levels, I believe it is no more than the natural course of events in human development... What do I mean? Well, some time ago, during a round table with experts on sexuality in which the students were allowed to participate, I asked them what they thought about this matter; one of them gave me a most interesting answer. He said that the idea we have of 'marriage for love' is indeed pretty new, around a hundred years old; it is a concept that has been on trial and has given both benefitial and, at times, troublesome results - nevertheless, it has been part of our daily lives. In fact, the problem lies in the idea most of us have been taught about 'marriage' being the oldest thing in the world; while it is true that it has been around for the longest time, the reasons for it have been changing depending on the historical context in which it was set - for example, marriage was used mostly to keep control of the land and who was to inherit it (if they had not had a contract of sexual exclusivity with their wives, they would have had no way to know if it was really their son being manufactured in her uterus...).

I believe everything is fair as long as all the people involved, be it 2 or 20, are informed and participate willingly; I think it is way more honest than some people who swear they will be 'faithful' (in the traditional sense) not because they believe in the concept but to appease those around him and to fit in a society which is changing anyway.

What is your opinion in this topic? Do you think it is just a way for people to get out of committing to one person or is it a new way to experiment relationships which will eventually lead to other options?

By the way, I am looking for polyamorous couples to interview for my research, if you are interested in participating (the information is completely anonymous) let me know!

Gay Activism in Mexico - Why I think it doesn't work.

Ah, we are well in 2011 already! Time went by quite quickly and I took a break from everything but eating all I could... Including updating the blog! But here I am again, ready to post my point of view about the bear community in Mexico -- or rather, about the gay community in general.

Last semester I was involved in trying to start a diversity-related group at the University I attend to... However, it never really took off and we ended up not doing anything in the end. Later, somebody asked me why, if I am so interested in gender equality and the gay community, I am not involved with gay activism in the city? And my answer was pretty simple: I don't really think it works. 

Part of the study I carried out last year about the sense of belonging in the gay bear community proved that quite clearly: One of the items in the questionnaire was whether they felt there is a sense of 'community' among the gay people in the city -most people answered no, but they wish there was-; however, when asked if they were part of any movement or group they also gave a negative answer. I find this quite contradictory, if we want this feeling of community to exist, why aren't we doing something about it? I'm sure there are plenty of excuses like "I have too much work" or "I don't know of any"... But how valid are they?

I have always complained about my idea that the issue with the Mexican mindset is that we tend to wait for 'someone else' to do something - most Mexicans are not really proactive. I, of course, am included in that group.

So, I started considering what I could do about it; I remembered the many places I've been to trying to get involved in movements, but I have usually found that the objectives and/or plans are lacking or, rather, empty. I don't think I have found any place where people really gather to become a group with strong bonds capable of doing something to help the community.

A few months ago, some friends and I were discussing this issue and many ideas came up, including organising lectures (most of us being academic) and discussion groups to raise awareness about current issues... I proposed we needed to strengthen the bonds between us before starting a task like that...

In the past, I have seen that very good projects have failed because the members of the group aren't really working together towards the same goal - everybody seems to be trying to take advantage of their teammates in order to reach a different, personal goal; also, when problems arise between members (which most likely will, considering we are talking about people who spend a lot of time together), they are not managed properly and end up destroying the group from the inside. 

In my opinion, I think the group we were trying to start at the University imploded for that reason; although we didin't really have any conflicts among us, we seemed to all be looking for something different and could not come to a compromise.

I am not a very sociable person and usually keep to myself, which means I don't interact with that many people. I think this year I will try to expand my social circle in hopes of starting something that can make a difference, if not for the entire gay community in my city, at least for those involved in it. 

Do you know or are you involved in any movement or group which helps the members of the gay community have this feeling of  'belonging'?