Looking for a bear prince...(ss?)

Setting aside the issue of masculinity as expressed through mannerisms, way of speaking or clothing, there is another social instance in which people from the bear community (and other gay groups) seem to face; it's something I like to call the 'prince-princess complex'.

While I'm sure that someone else might've already done some research into this, here I just want to publish my own views on the matter.

In Mexico (as in may other countries, but I shall speak of my experience) cheuvanism and 'macho' beliefs are practically burnt into our brains from the moment we are born. Those 'you should's and 'you must's go way beyond what many of us can even imagine. Ideas such as that the guy is the one who pays for dinner, the one who picks the girl up for a date, the one who proposes and the one who makes the first move, are not something we can get rid of easily.

Now, when a guy decides to stay on one extreme, either playing the feminine or masculine role (and let me clarify that this has absolutely nothing to do with appearance, sexual role or any other characteristic rather than simple social interaction) it becomes rather easy, since they need only find someone who feels comfortable playing the other role. However, some of us are caught in the middle and can get confused thinking we want everything!

Once someone asked me whether I wanted to get married, I answered that I did and that I also had high expectations for a marriage proposal... And then, it hit me. I both wanted to be the one holding the ring AND the one receiving it. Odd, huh?

This may sound pretty silly, but I have seen people such as myself who have issues on dates since they both feel the need to pay the bill and a secret longing to be treated. Or even in bed, while sleeping, people who like to wrap their arms around their loved one protectively but, at the same time, feel like they want to be held and pampered.

In the end, of course, it all comes down to us following stereotypes that were not only meant for a heterosexual relationship, but don't even work for them! The prince-princess dilemma imposes specific 'needs' and 'obligations' on each gender, based of course on their sex, regardless of what they might actually want. I mean, who says that there always has to be one person who 'saves' the other one? Why can't it be a reciprocal thing where both help each other in times of need? Who decided that a marriage proposal is necessarily from a 'man to a woman'? Why can't it be something mutual in which both share in that wonderful experience?

I believe part of the issue the bear community has, in Mexico at least, is that it has forgotten that the main idea behind the creation of this group was to avoid discrimination based on stereotypes - NOT to make new ones! The bear community is supposed to show the world that gay men can also (and this is the keyword here, also not instead) be 'masculine'; but I think this should be an inclusive concept, taking into account the aspects that society typically categorizes as feminine and merging them.

Not long ago I heard a report on the fairy tale whose cover I used as illustration for this post. I was really excited about it since I think it's high time these kind of stories become more popular, our social roles and sex-based gender roles need updating... Urgently! 

One-night stands = Bootleg love.

With sex being so available, love has become a luxury item in the market... So to speak... 

I love buying TV series on DVD and take special pleasure in getting the "limited boxed editions" whenever I can lay my hands on them (I swear I have a point, bear it for a bit); of course, this also means that I pay a bit extra and can't buy as many as I might like. However, I do not think this is a bad thing.

Someone convinced me once to get the bootleg versions they sell on the street (which are, of course, way cheaper). The problem I found is that, while the quality of the video might be practically the same, the packaging was really unattractive; also, there comes a point where it was so easy to get them, that I wouldn't really mind which I bought, I'd just get three or four seasons of different series just 'to try and discover new things'.

In the end, I'd hardly watch half of the stuff I'd bought since I wasn't really interested, and the things I did want to see became less important - I would watch them once and put them away somewhere. It's like, if I buy an album by an artist I really like, I listen to the 13+ songs many times, enjoying each one to the fullest... While if I buy a 'discography' on mp3 for 10 pesos, I might listen to one or two songs and forget it exists.

I have found that 'express sex' is pretty much the same thing. At one point, having sex gets to be so easy, it loses meaning; it becomes an activity you do for the pleasure of the moment and it doesn't really matter who the other person is.

When you invest something else in a relationship with someone - and I don't necessarily mean 'true love' -, at least getting to know who you're sharing the bed with. You get to enjoy every moment, discovering something new in things you've done many times before. 

While this might be rather obvious, I have found it's really easy to forget that it can be so much more... That, rather than a one-time experience which will satisfy your immediate desire, it can become something that more than satiates the physical needs, going a bit farther.

Today I think I want to go back to getting the 'special limited edition' when it comes to being with someone... Even if it does require a bigger investment, patience and risk.

Back to mono... gamy... Is it possible?

Ok, so I've never really been in an open relationship, much less a polyamorous one - in fact, I think I might be too jealous to do it; however, with my ex we had an arrangement where we would admit a third as long as it was the two of us together.

Still, after we broke up, I dated some people casually and enjoyed the pleasures of being able to do whatever I wanted - this led me to the idea that, perhaps, I was ready to try a more modern kind of lifestyle. Would it be possible for me to actually separate the sexual and affective components of relationships?

Well, I still don't know the answer to that question. Nevertheless, recently I was presented with a situation which would mean going back to being completely monogamous... So... Ouch...

I mean, taking the step from being faithful to one person to fooling around with other people is not that hard... But going back?

As I was pondering this question, I, of course, started listing the pros and cons of the situation. On the one hand, I believe it really promotes a deeper connection between the two people, there is more of a romantic, idealistic tint to the relationship and it is way safer. On the other hand, you only have sex with one person... Now, don't get me wrong, I think that growing to love someone and enjoying intimacy with them is an experience that (takes time, obviously and) can't be beaten; but I also think it's true that we humans are not built to be monogamous. In the days when sex was all about reproduction and making little heirs, of course it was vital to make sure the baby was your own, and yet I think that there is way more to it.

Another factor that I think is very important to consider is questioning this custom; asking yourself if you want to be monogamous because YOU really want it or if it is because that is the way you were brought up.

Personally, I went through this process and discovered that, while it is mostly because that's what my parents (and the media) taught me, I still think there is some value to that commitment.

I am, evidently, still considering the option... In fact I am reading a book on modern relationships which I really want to talk about here... I hope I get a chance to do it soon.

So, what do you think? Can one be monogamous after trying the alternatives?

Being 'too gay' - What does that really mean?

Lately I have been thinking about this topic. I needed to get some new clothes and couldn't decide on where to go... Should I go somewhere fashionable or a place with more neutral clothes? Is wearing bright colours too much or is it odd to wear flannel shirts most of the time? 

While pondering on this topic I went on a designer's website and was terrified by the main page: a boy(?) wearing a flowery pink 'suit', a low-cut (WTF?) t-shirt (which looked more like a blouse) and a really thin scarf-type-thing around his neck... I, of course, decided against looking for anything fashion-related ever again. 

Still, this kind of judgement might have gone a bit too far, I mean it's not like we always have to stick to extremes... But where is the happy queer medium when it comes to what you wear? 

Also, what is the problem with being 'too gay'? I myself have come to realise I have this conflict when I hear people saying my 'gayness' shows a little... And it makes me uncomfortable and a bit too self-conscious - even though I always pride myself in the fact that I'm happy with my sexuality!

I don't really have a 'conclusion' on this topic right now... But I know I will definitely not walk around wearing clothes that make people wonder whether I have a twin sister I share my clothes with!

Lays - you can't have just one... Oops, did I miss the apostrophe?

This week I was preparing a questionnaire for a study on polyamorous relationships when I proposed to use the following item: "I have had less than 5 sex partners in the last..." - and here is where it got interesting... My research partner said "two years?" and I said "what? I was going to say 2 months!"

That's when I had a slight epiphany on two things: one, I spend all my time with gay men and thus have lost the grip on the idea that there are other kinds of lifestyles; two, straight people don't have nearly as much sex as we do... 

This might sound silly to some people, but then I wondered how many of my friends can still count the people they have had sex with? I mean, this girl knew the exact number (I'm sure she knows names and all). Personally, I can still remember (almost) all of them since I wasn't that active until a short time ago... But I can sense that soon it'll be impossible (and pointless) for me to try to list them.

Now, although I agree that women in general (at least in the straight world) tend to be more... reserved... about who they sleep with, I think it's way more than that. We were discussing this and we agreed that with men it's really just sex and nothing more... It's like "hey, you're hot, wanna do something?" "ok" and that's that.

I haven't had the chance to ask my friends directly how many people they think they have slept with but a couple of them gave me enough information by answering: "like, in the last week? or month?"

I'm not really interested in getting all philosophical here about the topic but it does get one to think... How does this change the way men interact? Does this mean it's harder for us to connect on that level or do we do other things that require that intimacy?

So, perhaps you won't feel like exposing yourself but... How many have you jumped in the sack with?