Wolves do not hibernate... Unfortunately...

I have been off work and the university for a few days now; I am thus facing a really big problem: I have nothing to do. I also lost a lot of motivation to keep the blog going but some of my friends cheered me on, so here I am again! (Thanks guys!)

Besides being kind of a workaholic, my staying in school has required that I work a lot and my hours have been crazy for the past 4 years... Still, in December, when I am supposed to rest, I cannot seem to find peace.

This had me thinking about one issue that I have: I cannot nap. Somehow, whenever I try to take a nap in the middle of the day, I wake up feeling 'broken' (my body feels restless and too warm, my blood pressure is all messed up, my head feels like it is going to explode and I am in the worst mood ever); it has been pointed out to me that when I am sleeping I get terribly warm at some point... My theory is that when I take a nap I wake up in the middle of the 'cooling down' process and therefore feel all crappy (of course, I am no doctor). 

As a chaser, being unable to nap has been a slight complication in my relationships since bears seem to LOVE to nap (or at least the ones I have dated), and they have asked me many times to give it a go - they completely regret it when I wake up though. 

Also, the idea of staying in bed all day watching movies just drives me crazy... There is no way I can stay home for a full day! I start getting anxious and need to go out and do something! ...Again, most of the bers I know LOVE to stay in and just chill out... We usually reach a compromise where we go out to eat or to window shop at the mall... 

I have met one other chaser who was unable to nap but I do not think it is a normal thing... It could also be related to my very-fast metabolism... Not sure... 

What do you guys do when you have time off work?

Masculinity (part 2) - The passive side of our sexuality

I was reading today about sexuality and the many factors which make it such a complex issue. One of the most fascinating things I revised was the dichotomy of its supposed 'passive' and 'active' sides.

First, I must clarify something: in Spanish -Mexican Spanish, that is- instead of classifying the two 'opposite' sexual roles in top and bottom, we call them active and passive respectively... This makes a lot of sense... Right? Well, no, I actually do not think so.

I commented in a previous entry that some people claim they are "100% passive" which, to them, means that they just lay there and wait for someone else to do all the work.

Now, this book about gender studies and sexuality had a very interesting discussion on this topic. It said that all things feminine are usually associated with passivity, such as tenderness, being sexually receptive, virginity and chastity; this, in turn, is related to decency and high morals - a woman should not initiate the sexual relationship and must be receptive to her man's desires and pleasing. On the other hand, men are conceptualised as being 'active'; in fact, a man's virginity is not at all desirable, being mocked and ridiculised - there was a phrase I found quite accurate and went something like this "in bed, like in all sports, dominating and being the strongest is what counts".  This also means that men who refuse to have sex are seen as mediocre or incapable, which puts a lot of pressure on their performance and generates the idea that their value lies in their ability to comply.

Thus, most of us (men) see our bodies as merely a tool, an instrument through which to achieve our goals; our success is measured by financial stability and independence, a very active sex life or pure domination of others. This can be seen in that most men in our culture refer to their bodies as "the body" and not "my body"...

From this, an even more complicated topic arises: very rarely does nature actually have 'opposites', rather we humans classify the things we see in such categories to make it easier for our understanding (a dog is IN NO WAY the opposite of a cat, yet it is the first thing that comes to mind)... So, when we see male and female (biological sex) we see them as opposites and, when translated into the socially acquired 'gender', we see masculine as whatever is NOT feminine.

What happens then to those men who become 'passive'?

I have seen that they tend to put themselves in a fully-feminine stereotype finding it impossible to balance both parts. This becomes intricate in a community where men are supposed to be 'masculine-looking' (whatever that means); doesn't this become a paradox in itself? How can a man stay in the 'masculine' active stereotype and still play a feminine role?

My answer is quite simple: these two concepts are misused, abused and, in short, just plain useless. I think it is time we stop trying to follow old stereotypes that don't really fit us. Accepting that we are men (and I specify this because of the demographic I am referring to, but it of course applies to women) with individual features that may or may not meet the requirements of a specific gender. I think being 'active', assertive, energetic and passionate in bed is completely unrelated to being a top or a bottom.

Any thoughts on this?

Bears and the paradox of social improvement.

I went to the gym today (I know, you can totally tell I work out *sarcasm*) and, as usual, spent a couple of minutes while warming up to look at the amazing bodies around me. What I like about this gym is that there aren't many distractions for me, it's usually just reaaaally muscular guys with no hair - not my type at all; nevertheless, every now and then there are one or two big muscle-bears around who have me drooling all over the place (of course, I always keep my composture...).

Today, however, I noticed something interesting... This really hot bear ,who was probably just another chub at some point, was  acting all tough (the type who feels that no one is good enough for him) and staring at this other built guy (who didn't even glance at him). It got me thinking how some people work really hard to look like model-types only to 'belong' to a different social circle in which they will be discriminated anyway!

To make it clearer, I was talking with my students the other day about the different social classes and how similar they can be in a way: I usually spend no more than $20 USD on a t-shirt that I buy at the mall, while other people (who earn way more than I do) pay over a hundred dollars for a t-shirt that looks really similar to mine. Why? Because they buy at a freakishly expensive store in order to keep their social status. 

I believe it is the same socially. Most people will try really hard to become something else - something they believe is better - in order to 'move up' in the social ladder only to end up in the same position, being just a t-shirt (only in Saks Fifth Avenue instead of Sears).

So when a bear works out like crazy to become all built in order to be the hottest guy in the club, he is also becoming one of the least hot guys among the gym dudes... How's that for a paradox? Also, those guys who look like models from some porn magazine, are way less likely to be approached at a bar (at least in Mexico) and are usually the ones who stay until they close... Not always because they want to!

What do you think? Am I talking crazy?

Chronicle of a dream come true - A little about myself.

So, I have been writing about all kinds of things lately, always trying to do it from my point of view including personal experiences.

Today, though, I have decided to write a special entry: a little about myself. 

I was reviewing the material about masculinity for the next entry on that topic and I remembered something very interesting that happened to me this week: I was able to achieve one of my most important dreams without even expecting it, defying what others might have thought.

I have always loved singing - I have an odd taste in music, mainly I am into japanese pop and Broadway musicals- but was constantly hindered by my family since it is not something manly to do... Of course, I imagine that if I had been singing stuff like Heavy Metal or something like that, they'd been less worried. So, in the end, I decided it was not worth pursuing since it would not become my source of income in the future and wouldn't be recognised anyway.

However, in my search for a more integral way of life and as a way to become a happier person, about 4 months ago I decided to give it a shot.

I started taking singing lessons at school... Or something like that.  I mean, I loved that I was allowed to choose a song I truly loved (Defying Gravity from Wicked) but  it was a group of 19 people and the teacher decided to see each of us individually every time and I hardly ever got a chance to sing and be corrected - the feedback I got was also very limited because of the time. Nevertheless, I realised it really was something that made something inside me tingle, so I tried to practise on my own (without really knowing what was right or wrong). I eventually decided to find a private tutor to help me out since I was going to have to sing in the presentation of the workshop at school. I had three classes with a great coach and I improved lots (I think) - but most importantly, that feeling of fulfillment, entire ecstasy and completeness became bigger and clearer. I realised that, when I was singing, everything else became unimportant and irrelevant; I was able to feel my whole body connected and flowing with the emotions from the song... It was-- is a feeling beyond anything else I have ever known. The big problem, however, was that I am still in training and I tend to be a real perfectionist and these two things just don't match when you have to present your work in public!

The day of the presentation came and, of course, I started building the whole event up in my mind... I pretended I was conscious that it was just the beginning and shouldn't worry much about it being perfect (I hadn't had much training anyway), but I was secretly hoping it would go just like in my dreams: I would go on stage, perform and, right at the climax of the song, when the artist does the longest note, people would cheer and applaud recognising what he was doing. Both my hopeful self and my realistic self were struggling to see which would prevail and that ended up making me sick and getting a fever (ironic, huh?).

I got on stage and started singing. The second I heard my own voice coming from  the speakers, something inside my chest seemed to burst... A little sphere of something warm that I didn't know I had... It filled my entire body and had me trembling with excitement and happiness. The song went on, every note, every phrase building up the energy inside me and I had no idea how to let it out. I could not see the audience that well - I didn't care anyway - in that moment I knew it was all about me, about what I was doing. Had I ever felt this? If someone had asked, would I have been able to identify where it was located? No. I'm sure that is the answer.

The song kept getting closer to its peak and I had no way to contain all my emotions. The note I expected came and I let my whatever-it-might-be-called burst. I felt as if I was floating off the stage, engulfed in a feeling I had no way of describing. And then, at that moment, I heard a cheer and applause. My dream, exactly as I had imagined, was coming true. It was as if a stream of elation had suddenly become a raging river and had taken over me - just for a second; it blocked my throat and it felt just like when I am about to cry. The instant passed. I regained my composture. I finished the song in what I can only describe as an explosion of my inner-world. The effort was welcomed with warm applause and praise.

After I got off the stage, I was shaking uncontrollably and tears rolled down my cheeks - this was probably the first time I cry out of sheer happiness.

My singing coach told me once that I have a very masculine voice and I have to learn to use it. He tells me not to be scared of it. I guess, at times, I have been scared of what it means to find who I really am. But I guess it's not that bad! 

So, thanks to all my friends who supported me and encouraged me saying I could do it!

Well, if you've come this far, thanks for reading! I hope, somehow, this can inspire you to reach for  our dream, no matter what it is, 'cause it can really come true!

What do bears do when they come-- rather, when they get together?

The Holidays are practically upon us! Christmas and New Year's are close by and it is time to buy decorations, gifts, food and organise get-togethers! ... ... ... Right?

Up until not too long ago, I had not been a very sociable person at all - I tended to stick to small groups of friends and usually had issues interacting with more than 4 people at a time (if they were strangers). When I met my current husbear, I remember he said "when I move to Mexico, we will have friends over all the time!". This terrified me and made me very uncomfortable at the same time; I was pretty sure that, besides our community not being THAT kind of friendly, I was neither ready for - or even capable of - such a task!

As I have mentioned before, in the USA I experienced going into a bar and talking to (or rather being approached by) people I did not know for no apparent reason - completely unheard of in this country unless it is for sex. This helped me understand why my husbear had these strange ideas in his head!

Nevertheless, I was open to the experience and willing to give it my best shot. Thus we started inviting people over to our apartment and hanging out with others trying to expand our social network; along the way we made some really good friends and discarded others who were just annoying. But one way or another we ended up with a very nice circle of friends (and varied too)!

Now I don't really know much about organising gatherings or how to get people to get along with each other so we sort of have been mixing the groups haphazardly, with very interesting results - most of them knew each other somehow or had friends in common. We have had karaoke parties that go on for hours, board-game sessions, intense discussions and, of course, gossip, hahahahaha.

This whole thing had me wondering, what do bears do when they get together? And, what other activities can we think of to make these times more fun?

'Compliment' in Mexican Spanish means "Mocking"

I was watching this comedian (George Lopez) the other day talking about the differences between Americans and Mexicans; one of the things that struck me the most was the whole issue with congratulating or just complimenting someone on something they have done. He says that a "true Latino is never happy for anybody else"... Like, if someone says "Did you hear that (someone) got the job?", a common Mexican response is "What? That idiot? Wow, I wonder who he slept with!"... Or, more related to the blog "(someone) has a new boyfriend!" and we would say "that slut? of course he did, let's hope he can keep this one for over a day!". -never a "he did? wow, that's great!".

In fact, we do tend to be very negative in the way we speak. I started paying attention at the way people talk and most things are insults or taunts - and then we say stuff like "nah, I'm kidding!" or something like that.

This, I think, starts creating a sort of 'fear' towards expressing happiness since we have been taught it will crash against a very hard wall. 

What I find even more interesting is that, as a teacher and a psychologist, I have been trained to give positive feedback and encouragement in order to promote motivation; however, I realised that in my everyday life my bringing-up still shows quite easily!

There is a video on YouTube called "Validation" (a MUST!) and whenever I show it to my Mexican students they all smile and laugh as they see it, but when asked to 'validate' someone else it becomes one of the most difficult tasks ever. 

Again... Part of our 'macho' culture... Or is it? I wonder if this is a general thing in other places? What do you think?

Note: This is just my opinion, I am not saying that ALL Mexicans are like this.

Masculinity (part 1) - it takes a real man to take it like a man...

The Greeks didn't seem to have a problem with this...

Was the title too rough? Perhaps... But it got you here, didn't it?

This is the first of many entries in which I will be discussing this topic. Why? Initially, the blog was inspired by a project on the sense of community, cohesion and discrimination among bears and gay men in general; therefore, it took me along many roads including, of course, gender studies. One of the most interesting concepts I was able to study was the social construction of gender and, more especifically, how it affects interaction between men.

Bored yet? Don't worry, I'm not going to go all academic on you, it's not really the point... At least, I'll try not to!

I came across a book in which they mention that, socially, to become a man one must successfully face three basic "battles": Not be a woman, not be a boy and not be a homosexual.

As a gay man, I understand that to shape my identity I, of course, chose to embrace that last concept rather than fight it; but what about the other two? These elements come from the idea that the way we build the concept of masculinity comes from being the opposite of feminine... What is more, we tend to believe that those things which are masculine are not only superior to feminine, but as the ONLY possible way for us to behave.

What does this have to do with the bear community, you say? Well, I believe that one of the many issues we have is that one way to define a bear is "someone with a masculine appearence". I have seen this many times in profiles "looking for a masculine guy", "not feminine guys, please". When we can't even define the concept of masculinity to start with!

I am a good example of this issue, I have always tried not to "look too gay" - by which I mean not wear bright colours (or shiny stuff) or be too flamboyant. However, what I think that really means is that I'm trying not to be 'a woman', or rather not fall into the stereotype of 'feminine'. Now, this poses a big problem in a relationship between two men. Qualities usually related to women such as being romantic, sensitive, a good listener and, in general, being receptive become stigmatised and are rejected... We (yes, myself included) have a very vague idea of the feminine side of human beings; we tend to associate that word with women and we don't even realise that THAT itself is only a social imposition. As homosexuals who have had to battle our way through society's 'rules', I think we have no excuse to ignore concepts as important as these. Aren't we supposed to be supporting a DIVERSITY? Isn't it true that gay men pride themselves in the fact that we have overcome social stereotypes and 'come out of the closet' to be ourselves?

I think not. I think we are just as chained to these gender-exclusive prisons which prevent us from enjoying our sexuality (which, by the way, is more than just intercourse and includes our interaction with others in many levels) and, in short, our lives.

In the next 'Masculinity' entry I will explain some points of view which describe those traits we reject and how this could be avoided; also, my very own proposition of a new masculinity.

So, are you man enough to take it like a man?

A beary furry charity

James, my husbear, was telling me about this function at a bingo in Maryland. Evidently, if you brought a stuffed bear, the entry was free; then, the collected bears were donated to children in hospitals throughout the Baltimore-Washington area. Another thing that was kind of similar, is the FUK!T Packin' at a bar called the Green Lantern in Washington, D.C. Basically, bears get together on Tuesdays to assemble safe-sex kits which are later distributed for free in most of the bars in the area - this also provides a space where people can make friends and gossip happily.

Here is, I think, another way for bears to get together and bond in a non-sexual environment (since the condoms and lube you handle are not for your personal use anyway... At least at that moment); besides, I think this also helps the rest of the world see the gay community as something other than fags and queers with feather boas and sequins. It is a deed that not only helps people come together, but does good to the general public.

One or two years ago (maybe both), one of our only so-called bear bars had a thing where they asked people to donate stuffed bears to take to needy children. I never knew how that went but I think that, though the purpose might have been la good one, it didn't do much to strengthen the community or leave a mark in the society to show who we are.

Perhaps it would be a good idea for the people who manage these events to focus more on the members of the community to boost their participation (which would help their business anyway)... Or would a proposition from an individual hold more weight (no pun intended)? What do you think?

Porn - Helpful or Harmful?

Now this is an issue that I'm sure EVERYONE has an opinion on... I know I do! Hehehehe...

I have never been into porn myself, but I do remember that the very first porn I came across was a hentai (japanese anime with sexual content) magazine that a friend had bought; I remember it was, of course, straight porn, but there was this one character that was drawn all furry and muscular... That was the one thing I found interesting in the whole thing. 

Later one, when I got internet, I found a way to download a movie called "Bear Trap" (which took about a month, since back then the connection was so damn slow). I could never see the whole thing but I did realise that I loved the bearish type guys...

Most recently, when I visited my current boyfriend about a year ago, I found out he had a bunch of porn dvd's, which I didn't like much - he got rid of most of them before he moved to Mexico, though.

Anyways, the other day I heard someone discussing the topic and how a lot of people tend to have issues in their sexual lives because either their partners or themselves do not fulfill the fantasy created by these films. I mean, guys like those shown in porn movies are very scarce (and are seldom as good as they look) and you would have to live for the gym to look even remotely like most of them.

This got me thinking... As men we think about sex a lot (besides the fact that being gay men, getting sex is extremely easy) and when we watch these performances, we tend to idealise the sexual act and expect utopic situations which would most likely not satisfy us even if they came true.

This is related, ironically, to a study performed to find out why some people eat more than others. I don't want to bore you with the details since I know that this geeky stuff is not interesting to everybody; the result was that the 'liking' (the actual process of enjoying the food as you are eating it) is way lower than the wanting (the expectation and imaginary feeling of enjoyment you think you will get when you eat), and therefore requires more stimuli to meet the requirements of one's imagination...

Is that the same case with porn? You build an act in your head and when it is consumated it is not nearly as hot as you thought? 

I know I have idealised some situations that, when actually happened, didn't really turn out to be as amazing as I had imagined... The opposite also being true; sometimes I had very low expectations and was quite pleasantly surprised (literally, hahahahaha).

So, do you think porn makes a relationship more tense because of the stress put on each other by unreal expectations? Or does it make it richer by allowing the couple to share kinks and experiment with new stuff?

The second coming... Out!

I was watching the trailer for this new film "BearCity" on YouTube (which I don't have yet... But would make a great Xmas gift [hint, hint! LOL]) and a phrase one of the main characters says caught my attention: "admitting I like bears was like coming out of the closet all over again" (or something along those lines.

This made me think about the first few times I told my friends about the kind of men I like... Their reaction was usually to frown and call me crazy since "I should be going after 'cuter' types". I guess, because I am young and lean, people expect me to be chasing after guys who work out and wear all kinds of fashionable crap...

This had me feeling uncomfortable for the longest time - I felt ashamed to tell anyone when I liked some big bear walking down the street. When I started dating my first real bear (at about 19) my friends and acquaintances would constantly ask me why I was dating someone that much older than me (he was 40 at the time) and, as they put it, fat. They all liked him and got along quite well with him, but that did not stop them from pointing me in the direction of younger, more stereotypical-gay types...Whenever I met someone and told them I had a boyfriend, they would be utterly surprised upon meeting him since they expected something completely different.

I have always been into daddy-type bears... Which has not been good for my social image... As I might have mentioned in a previous entry, most people assume you are a hustler if you are with a daddy bear... When people asked me whether that was true, I always said "I wish! Then I wouldn't be killing myself working all day to pay my tuition!!" The truth is that I have always been very independent and these comments were very annoying...

In the beginning, I must admit these social influences DID affect me and made me feel sort of guilty (or embarassed) about my taste; I kept wondering whether I should try going out with younger types to -- please everyone else?? And that's when it hit me... The guy who is living with the daddy bear is ME and I am the one who should like him! So, now I am happy with my current bear!

The process, however, did feel like coming out of the closet again. I started telling my friends "I like daddy bears" and they would answer "yeah, I know... So sorry!"; what is more, I had to find a way to be comfortable enough with myself to be able to ignore all the crap that comes my way because of it!

One thing I am sure of: there is no way to please everyone and the bear community in Mexico is so small that everybody knows each other (and, thus, everybody knows who is going out with whom).

Interestingly enough, after I did this one of my friends who used to criticise my taste all the time ended up dating bears... And some daddy bears on top of that! Perhaps it just takes some courage from someone else to point you in the right direction? Hehehehe
Have you ever had second thoughts about who you are dating because of what people expect of you?

Nice beard! -- Thanks, I grow it myself!

This moustache is OF COURSE not real! I wish!

This morning my husbear pointed out that I've been getting furrier in the last year. I find this odd since I've tried everything in the past to grow more hair, without much luck!

A funny anecdote from when I was like 9 years old; I remember praying really hard asking God to 'please let me have a goatee and a hairy chest' when I grew older - I thought they were the coolest things in a man. Of course, at the time I had no idea this would be the one thing I find most attractive in men (woof).

Later, in my early teenage years, I got hair on my chin and a bit on my chest; I was really excited! See, my father has no hair (except on his head) so I thought I was doomed to being hairless forever. It took years to get as furry as I am (enough that I can say I am but not as much as I want yet). Once I asked a hairdresser what I could do and he said I should crumble some contraceptive pills into shampoo and wash my chest and face with it; somebody else said to rub chili peppers and/or strawberries on my skin to stimulate growth; a third one said to trim/shave constantly (I think this might actually have worked, but I can't tell for sure... It sure is the only one I keep trying, though!).

At 24 I am finally able to grow a pretty decent mustache... And I have resigned myself to never growing one like I have in the picture here... But I am content with the results of my praying to God, or shaving, or enduring the stupid stinging pain of the chili peppers on my skin! Hahahahaha.

I have always been jealous of those guys who are like 13 and can grow a full beard, I know genetics is out to mess with those of us who long for more fur but I keep thinking there must be something that can be done!

When were you able to grow your beard (if ever, LOL)? What crazy home 'remedy' type things have you tried/heard of to become hairier?

Should bears run? A chaser's opinion - featuring Nicholas Baatz

Pup Charger (Nicholas Baatz)

You think being a bear in the real world is hard? Try being a chaser in Mexico City! It is true that bears like chasers, it's just that Mexican bears seem to have issues admitting to it... Somehow, dating a guy who is leaner or even fitter tends to be frowned upon at bear bars (even if they all gawk at then when no one's looking).

My husbear was telling me his insight on the matter from his experience with chasers; he said that most chasers try to be as fit as possible because we don't think that any bears would go for us any other way... But, he says, most bears actually just love the attention and "are amazed that these fit people would have any interest in us [bears] at all!".

Perhaps this is true. In Mexico, I haven't really had a chance to prove the theory since I'm usually partnered and don't go hunting for bears... At least, not seriously since nothing will happen anyway. But I do know of people who have.

For example, my friend and boyfriend's ex, Pup Charger (Nicholas Baatz) in D.C. has great luck with bears. I mean, it does help that he is a very nice guy, fit as can be and a great massage therapist (or so I'm told, but if you are in the D.C. area you can check it out for yourself at http://unleashedmassage.com), but I think that the culture has a lot to do with it as well. For instance, when I was at the bars where he worked, I could see he was not the only chaser in the room and the other ones were getting attention as well - being included in all the bear fun.

In Mexico, if you're fit or leaner and you hang out with bears, people assume that, most of the time, you're a hustler - and, of course, they want nothing to do with you. However, as Nick put it in an interview when asked if he was a good bear chaser, "bear's don't really run, so chasing them is not that difficult"... At least in the USA.

A big part of this, I think, is that here we are not that comfortable with just going up to people and chatting for no apparent reason which seems to be quite common in the US. I say this because when you message someone on Bear411 who would usually ignore you at a bar, mostly they respond eagerly, immediately wanting sex... What is up with that? I think bears should just stop this 'running' business and play with the rest of us... That's what they really want anyway!

So, while in Mexico the bears aren't fit enough to actually run, they just give you looks and strike diva poses which makes chasing them way too difficult.

What do you guys (bears, mostly) think of this topic?

Bears do yoga - featuring my buddy Thumper Bear from Washington D.C.

Thumper Bear, Ethan Hase and James Slattery doing yoga at the DC Center

Usually, when people think about 'exercise' the first ideas that come to mind are lean or muscular types who spend their lives working out at the gym... I, myself, refused to go to the gym for the longest time because I did not want to be seen beside those big guys looking like a skinny little wolf... This can be tough! I knew I needed to do something -and swimming is way too expensive- but I couldn't help comparing myself with the people who had been there forever...

Throughout my life, I have tried all kinds of sports: karate, tae-kwon-do, dancing, swimming, basketball, soccer, tennis, waterpolo, volleyball, etc. And, usually, I was surrounded by people who had a much better condition than I did, which discouraged me from going... (which is how I've been in so many).

Lately, I got into the more eastern-type 'exercises'. I tried tai-chi -which was really nice and helped me relax a lot, but did nothing for my appearence- and yoga. This last one has had me thinking for a while and I have come across many different points of view about it.

Initially, I did not think it could be considered exercise since it doesn't really look like you're doing much... I mean, it IS exhausting when done correctly and you do feel like you're working all your muscles; some people, however, will look at you and say "streching and moaning for an hour is NOT exercise, it's just to relax". And, of course, here I was also confronted with those who had the ability to bend into freakishly pretzel-like positions while I was having the worst time trying to touch my toes. Now, I used to think this was a sport for skinny people with rubber bones... But then, one day, I invited one of my bear friends to a yoga class and I was completely put to shame by this chub's flexibility!

Staying true to my generation, the first thing I did was post it on Facebook, along with the question whether or not yoga is real exercise. And that's where Thumper comes in. He has been promoting an event in Washington D.C. called "Bears Do Yoga" which is sponsored by the D.C. LGBT Center. I found this very unusual, not only because it totally breaks my stereotype of yoga enthusiasts, but mostly because this is handled as a bonding activity! This, then, has two main purposes: to promote healthier lifestyles amongst bears AND provide a setting where they can bond and share a common interest. I loved the idea!

Still, I don't think we have anything like this in Mexico City; more importantly, I doubt it could ever work. Mexicans are not 'team players', we are very competitive; this sort of activity would quickly become a source of conflict, with muslcebears looking down on the yoga practitioners and the latter probably becoming elitist and exclusive.

I have heard there IS a thing at a bar in our gay neighbourhood where people can go learn to dance on Sundays... We have yet to go but I am looking forward to seeing how, or rather whether it works... We will eventually try it and I will definitely let you know how it goes!!

Bear's Health: Featuring a furry doctor's opinion (Pawl Bear)

Mexico has recently reached number one in obesity in the world - which I thought would be good for me (since I like bears) but, as it turns out, chubby and bearish are NOT the same thing.

Anyway, along with this I have heard people discussing the health issues which come from being overweight; now, there are limits to everything and, of course, people who are way beyond their ideal weight DO tend to develop many issues... But is this always the case?

I have first-hand experience on this since almost all my ex-boyfriends have had some kind of chronic problem - it, of course, has worried me to no end since some of them didn't really take care of it properly...

One of my friends, who is a physician by the way, started a blog in which he included some interesting information about this... Now, I find this worth looking at, not only because he is my friend and I trust him, but also because he includes many references which justify what he says. Check it out: http://pawl-articles.blogspot.com/search/label/Βιος    In my opinion, the most important factor is exercise, not size!

Currently, my bear has lost like 20 kilos and 7 inches around the waist (not because of exercise or diet, but because of Moctezuma's revenge) which makes me happy since he is healthier, happier and perkier! I must admit I sometimes miss his furry tummy (despite still having a wee one) but I sleep better at night knowing that he will have fewer problems with his blood pressure from now on.

But does this mean that the social process concerning appearance and health is reversing? - while in the regular world people want to get thinner and are willing to risk their health to achieve it; some people in the bear community will only date you if you are big enough, encouraging some to actually pack on the weight (which is just as bad, considering neither of those cases is consistent with a healthy lifestyle).

Now, I am not the kind of person who is obsessed with eating healthy and stuff, and although I try to lead a sensible lifestyle, I do have my indulgences... Constantly... (Thank God I was blessed with a kickass metabolism which, hopefully, will last forever). But it does make me wonder how far people could go to stay in the bearish stereotype... I must confess I have often thought about finding ways to gain weight to become a bear and, therefore, be more accepted in the bear community (which, again, has been impossible for me).

Does this mean that we, fellow bears, are acting in the same exclusive manner as the so-called glamorous stereotype-based rest of the gay community?

There are many points of view regarding this matter... What's yours?

Subway sex - not just a ride, an adventure!

I have no idea who these people are, but they prove my point!

Today, my boyfriend came home and told me about what he saw on the metro... Again... I, of course, assumed he would be riding the last car - the gay hook-up car- after I told him what it was about, I just kind of expected him to be more discrete about it!

Nah, I know he doesn't do anything, he just goes for the show... You know, people hooking up, giving each other looks, groping, feeling people up and, sometimes, having sex on the metro car (if you don't believe me, Xtube it "Mexico City Metro"). What? That's not normal in YOUR city? Well, TOO BAD! Just kidding.

It has been brought to my attention how weird it is that all gays (in Mexico) seem to know instinctively which car to get onto for hook-ups and/or sex... Or the fact that it is even possible and common knowledge somehow.

I learned this when one of my best friends (sort of a gay mentor) told me that the last car of most lines was the one you go to if you want express sex (either there or to go) and the other cars which you can go to cruise people. The accuracy of these descriptions is nothing short of uncanny! The funny thing, though, is that, although EVERYBODY knows what those cars are about, when you run into someone there they pretend to be completely oblivious to the fact; but when the doors close (and since it's crowded as hell), you can see how everybody has a very serious face staring into space but hands are wandering about mercilessly.

I don't think this happens in other cities... Are there similar hook-up places where you live? Is it this easy to get express sex?

What is a "wolf"? (and a chaser/otter/bear/chub/etc.)

I don't think I can remember how I started out in the 'bear' scene. I have always liked bigger, furry men and that, eventually, led me in the right direction.

Originally, I had no idea how I was going to fit in a community where I was supposed to be big and have lots of fur - that was until I found out about the different classifications there are! Thus, I became a 'chaser'; that is, a guy (usually leaner but not exclusively) who is attracted to bigger guys. As years go by, I have been getting furrier and have built up a little, so I found myself being called a 'wolf' (a more aggressive otter/chaser) - which, by the way, is a term I prefer quite a bit.

While surfing the net and researching a bit more about the whole 'gay bear' issue, I came accross a website where you can get your 'bear code' (which helps people who are familiar with it, imagine what you look/are like), mine is B3 d e+ f g+ k m q- r- s t w-. Now, it's not like I can actually picture someone by their bear code; and, actually, I don't know that many people who use it, but I think it is a very interesting concept (you can get yours at www.resourcesforbears.com).

Lately, a lot of people have asked me about the 'wolf' concept and what it means, which got me thinking about something kind of ironic: the members of the bear community are, in a way, people who were labeled and, in most cases, rejected for not being in the mainstream... And even so (or because of this?) now it is one of the subcommunities which has different classifications amongst its members...

Somehow, it makes a lot of sense and, at least for me, instead of promoting a segregation, I think it helps create a feeling of 'belonging to the group'... In some places...

See, in Mexico, because of the way we are, this is used in the complete opposite way. Bears tend to be very 'elitist' and exclude those who don't fit the 'bearish' stereotype - ironically, most so-called Mexican bears are actually just chubs, since they don't have much fur! So, the labels become a tool to exclude people from the group instead of adapting the sleuth to the diversity... Such a waste!

Actually, I have some friends who, initially, refused to be acknowledged as bears because of the stereotype they knew and found it weird that I could somehow feel part of the community... I think the people who form a community shouldn't change to fit it but rather the rules of the group can be modified to include and grow constantly...

Perhaps I'm very idealistic on topics like this but I think that this could be the key to why the bears in this country aren't nearly as inclusive as they could be...

Bottom line is... Most bears are closeted-bottoms!

As you go on bear411 looking for a date (or a hookup if you are more honest), most people either say they are tops or versatile... However, in my and my friends' experience, when it is time for the act to be consumated, a LOT of them just lay there and wait for you to do something.

Now, I don't really mind (for many reasons) but I do find it very interesting that most Mexican men (not only bears) have problems admitting they like to take it!

On the other hand, when I went to the USA, it was very funny how most of them not only admit it freely, but actually boast about being good at it!

Part of my research on the Mexican gay community was, of course, centered on the macho stereotype and the innate belief that we cannot, even being gay, have a feminine, receptive, passive side. I understand this myself, and hear it all the time in the jokes people make ("pasiva" -the female word for bottom in Spanish- is used as an insult amongst not-so-effeminate men, amongs others like "osa", "mujer", etc.)

I will not deny that I, too, have issues with that topic (in the end -pun intended-, I too am Mexican); however, I don't really have many problems since most people are bottoms anyway.

What I don't get, though, is the whole 'corpse-like' attitude in bed - when they just lay there and expect you to do all the work. Seriously, that is not even being a bottom, it's just becoming a sex toy substitute (but with more afterwards drama). That is even worse when you are with a big bear - it is a real task to move him!

I remember a friend once told me "it takes waaaaay more balls to be a bottom, not only because it is mocked, but mostly because it takes a real man to take it like a man".

So, which one do you think takes more courage? And does it make you less of a man to be on the receiving end?

Photoshoping ex's out of pictures... Which ones do you keep??

At this rate, it'll just be the two of us in the pictures!

A usual night at the local bar... Out with the husbear and some friends... When, suddenly. we ran into an exboyfriend of one of our best friends. We have no 'hatred' towards him but we did have one little problem which made us like him very little. We successfully avoided him (although I am SURE he saw us but we all decided to let it go, somehow).
This got me thinking about a lot of things, but mostly about the photo-frame-conundrum: what to do with those pictures where we are ALL together? All having fun, all happy. We happen to have a wonderful picture of the whole group together which I really want to frame and put on the foyer table for everyone to see (and feel that they are an important part of our lives)! But now that he is gone (and in the middle of the freaking shot so it's impossible to photoshop him out) it totally ruined it.
My one idea was to always get pictures of only friends (without the boyfriends) but that's kind of stupid since it would probably make them feel left out... So, which ones do you keep? Only the "saintly ones"? 'Cause you never know who is going to break up... Or if they are...
This is one of those topics that, I think, are the same whether you are gay, straight, a bear, a wolf, a chaser, a 'buffalo' or any other semi-domesticated animal! I guess I just need to ask around and see how other people tackle this issue!
If you have any ideas, please comment!

6 second hugs...

The whole idea of starting a blog arose when I was reading Gretchen Rubin's "The Happiness Project". In this book, I found lots of interesting facts about happiness (and silly quotes that I now intend to use in my everyday life to all my friends' annoyance) - one of the most interesing things I found was the '6 second hugs'.

Evidently, studies have shown that for a hug to promote the flow of oxitocin and serotonin (both involved in improving your mood and social bonding) it should last at least that long...

It wasn't until then that I realised a big problem we have in our cheuvanistic culture: the macho hug. Most straight men tend to 'hug' in the quickest possible way, avoiding body contact as much as possible - basically they just crash against each other's chests (God forbid their lower-body touched!), pat each other on the back two or three times (four if they're REALLY good friends) and then bounce back as if they were made of rubber.

Now, considering how us members of the 'bear community' (in Mexico) pride ourselves in the fact that we are "warmer and more affectionate" guys, you would think we were better at it - we are NOT!

I have noticed that it IS, indeed, more likely for a gay bear to hug someone else for longer periods of time... And, ironically, these seem to be happier bears than the rest!

Sadly, this is something I learned way after my interaction with American bears so I cannot give a really accurate comparison on this matter, but I do seem to recall they tend to be more huggy than us (ironic, since Mexicans are supposed to belong to the close-culture group).

So, from now on I have decided to (semi-force) hug my friends for at least that long and see how it goes...!

In Mexico you smile if you want sex...

Today I went to the bank and, as I was taking my place in the line, I noticed this ruggedly handsome guy - who, by the way, was looking at me. I was flattered and, of course, smiled. This seemed to come as an unexpected development to him since he nervously looked away... However, just as I was starting to wonder whether I had got myself into an embarassing situation, I saw that he kept turning shyly every now and then with a very slight smile... Now, mind you, this was no young school-girl-like guy, he was easily in his late forties (not to mention he looked quite masculine and fit) and this behaviour was very odd - that was, at least, until I realised what was happening.
You see, I have been living with my American boyfriend for about a year now and some of his customs have kind of stuck... What do I mean? Here is a story that explains it quite clearly:
When my boyfriend came to visit me for the second time, I could not be with him all day since I had work and my studies to attend, so he got to wander about on his own for a while. At night, when I met him for dinner he told me how nice and "friendly" us Mexicans were... I asked him why that was and he nonchalantly said "well, today a bunch of guys kept smiling at me in the street and on the metro!"; I was sort of expecting this since he has very unusual looks for our standards (blonde, blue eyes and white as can be) and he was basically fresh meat. I explained that this so-called "friendliness" was nothing but an invitation to have sex with them - he, of course was baffled and did not believe me. He explained that in the USA it is very common to be friendly and smile at people in the street; what is more, at the bars it is a very usual occurrence to go up to strangers and start up a chat, not necessarily with the objective of hooking up. Instead of getting into a big argument, we went to my mother's house and I told my sister that some guys had smiled at him in the street and he smiled back; her immediate reaction was to say "did you want to have sex with them?" - he laughed and understood.
When I went to DC, I was the shocked one - people I had never met were hugging me and touching me and smiling at me! I did not know what to think...
Today, I think it is because in the USA being a slut is not as frowned-upon as here in Mexico. We tend to have more double standards about that here - if we have sex with someone, there is usually a lot of drama afterwards (the whole "what now" part) or we choose to ignore each other, pretending nothing ever happened.
I think this allows for people to be less worried about what will happen if you talk to someone new in a bar... And why in Mexico, in the 'bear' bars people just stand around in an 'I'm-too-good' pose...
So... As the title says... In Mexico you smile if you want sex... But what do you do if you just want a good chat or a friend??

Wolf out!

Wolves Need Hugs Too!

Having always been interested in big furry men, I came across a so-called bear group in Mexico City. Now, of course, I had absolutely no idea of what to expect and, not being a bear myself, I had to ask (or rather force) a friend to accompany me.
Because of my multiple doubts and hesitations we were way too late and the whole thing had already finished - I, however, did not leave unrewarded... No, I did not really meet anyone but the guy at the door was a huge furry bearish man. This guy was so friendly and warm, it made me feel all excited about arriving at a place where I would be surrounded by people like him!
See, the bear community describes itself as a group of big, furry men who do NOT exclude anyone. This is based in the fact that they (or should I say, we) have been shunned from the mainstream plastic gay community. Now, I am not saying that the point of this blog is to accuse them of being "evil to me" because they haven't - I happen to have good bear friends and have learned my way around the flesh-eating ones. Anyway, we returned for the next 'party' but, unfortunately, that was when that specific group disbanded. Happily, I had at least found what I was looking for - a group of people who were accepting and friendly to each other... Besides being furry and hot.
I decided to look up more information on the subject and came across countless porn sites - which were NOT what I was looking for! And a few informative ones. It came as an unpleasant surprise to realise that Mexico didn't have much about them (considering our population lives on junk food and fattening 'traditional' dishes, you would expect it to be the capital of BearWorld!).
Over the years, the names of the groups have changed and the meeting points have but dissapeared; turning into bars where people hardly speak to each other (unless it's for sex, of course) or private party venues (which, again, are for sex). I do not think there is anything wrong with this and I agree it is a part of gay life - I just think there could be so much more.
When I visited the bears in Washington, D.C., it amazed me how much more like a community it actually was! Not only did they all know each other but they actually SPOKE to each other outside a dark room; also, I was welcomed with hugs and smiles despite not being a stereotypical bear - or rather, being a chaser/wolf.
This showed me that my idea of a tight-knit bear community was not a utopia.
What are we missing in this country?
That is exactly what I intend to find out!

Wolf out!

A Wolf Among Bears

Well, here I am! My first blog ever. Although I am not actually going to start posting today, I do feel excited about this little project I am starting!
Basically, the point of the blog is to share my point of view of life as part of the gay bear community in Mexico City. This all started when I carried out an investigation on the differences between the so-called 'bear community' in Mexico and the USA - which led to very interesting results!
This week I plan to upload those results and, perhaps, throw some ideas on how I believe they can be important for those of us who live in this country and 'belong to this community'; but also, and perhaps that is the real purpose of the blog, for those who will be visiting our city from other countries and wish to know what it is like.

Wolf out!