How long should you wait?

It's funny how often it happens that a book comes into my life bearing a message that applies to my life so accurately, it's scary. 

A couple of days ago, I started reading 'Giovanni's Room' by James Baldwin. I must confess that, so far, I find it to be a very depressing story - at least potentially. However, there's a beautiful romantic side to it that I can't help but adore; it's always nice, inspiring even, to read about two people falling in love and how nothing else matters to them... For a while at least.

There is a part, though, that had me reflecting for quite a while.

Giovanni: "Tell me, what is this about time? Why is it better to be late than early? People are always saying we must wait, we must wait. What are they waiting for?"

David: "Well, I guess people wait in order to make sure of what they feel."

Giovanni: "And when you have waited - has it made you sure?"

Giovanni's Room - James Baldwin

It had me thinking about how this illusion is so deeply embedded in most of our cultures - the idea that one should not be impulsive, but rather wait as long as possible to ensure that the desired outcome will turn out as expected... But, isn't this silly? I think that, when you want to do something and get that feeling deep in your gut, that itch to start moving, time will hardly make it any 'easier' to go through with it.

Perhaps the main issue is that most people believe that, by obtaining more information before taking action, it is easier to make the right choice... And I do not disagree on this point.

Except when it is about human relationships and matters of the heart. I heard somewhere that 'the brightest light will always cast the darkest shadows'; wouldn't this mean that a feeling that can change your life as much as love does, will also come with ghosts and other mischievous feelings attached? Obviously the possibility of getting all you have ever wanted cannot be separated from the fear of losing it as well...

So, how long should one wait? I think that, when two people meet, it takes only a few minutes to know where the relationship can go. Let's say, on a date, it takes very little time to know if the person in front of you can, potentially, stir your soul. 

When you feel you love someone, how long do you wait to say it? How do you 'make sure' you really love someone? It's funny to me how people can throw words around like 'hate', 'stupid', 'idiot', etc. as if they were nothing, but find it extremely difficult to say the 'L' word...

Waiting, in my opinion, is overrated. Perhaps we should be more focused on living?

The injured lover's hell, the green eyed monster...

"Born in love but propelled by rage, jealousy is a complex relational experience. It is a

visceral fear of loss, a set of paradoxical feelings and thoughts, an action and a reaction. Milton referred to it as the ‘‘injured lover’s hell,’’ Shakespeare, as the ‘‘green eyed monster’’ that destroys love and annihilates the beloved person. The 19th century Brazilian writer Machado de Assis described it as a ‘‘doubt,’’ a twilight between fantasy and reality, that drives a person into madness"

So, while going through some articles online I came across this one, and I found the definition breathtaking... Not only is it so poetic it makes it sound beautiful in an odd way, but I believe it defines that feeling so accurately I could never match it.

At one point, before I started this new relationship I'm in, I thought I had overcome that feeling and was rid of it for good - I couldn't have been more wrong... And yet, who's to say that some jealousy isn't healthy? Looking back I have come to realize I have only stopped feeling jealous altogether when I am not afraid I will lose the person I love - this can either mean that I don't really care or that I'm being arrogant.

At one point I was in a relationship with someone who I was pretty sure wouldn't leave me, no matter what I did. My indifference towards his absence was proportional to the intensity of the happiness that relationship brought me - in simpler words, I didn't care much if he left because he wasn't bringing much into my life anyway. 

Now, how do people normally react when they're jealous? Well, the article I'm quoting goes on:

The experience of jealousy tends

to arise without warning at a particular moment when one partner behaves in a way

that stirs up a fear of betrayal in the other. To manage the anxieties engendered, the

jealous partner may become sullen, inquisitive, or aggressive.

Ok, so I'm interested in the partner "stirring up" a fear of betrayal... This, of course, does not mean that they actually betrayed anyone, they just disturbed a sleeping monster that was already there! Like the author says "Some of the vulnerabilities that typically underlie jealousy are: a need to be recognized as the most special person in the life of the partner, fears of abandonment and betrayal, and feelings of inadequacy in which the person feels unattractive or unworthy". Are you relating to any of this yet?

The experience of the jealous person resembles a trance-like state characterized by

intrusive fantasies and fears, compulsiveness, and irrational associations.

I love that, a "trance-like" state. Have you ever found yourself going on a jealous rant while inside your head you're like "but this is stupid, I'm being silly"... And yet, there's no way to stop it once it gets going...

The French

philosopher Roland Barthes speaks of the contradictions involved: ‘‘As a jealous man,

I suffer four times over: because I am jealous, because I blame myself for being so,

because I fear that my jealousy will wound the other, because I allow myself to be

subject to a banality: I suffer from being excluded, from being aggressive, from being

crazy, and from being common’’

And one ends up having an internal battle on top of the one going on with their partner, stuck in an ambivalence that seems to eat him up.

The article goes on, explaining how this can be treated... But it doesn't mean that everyone's going to pull an Othelo on their partner just because they have wandering eyes!

I prefer to put a more positive spin on this. When jealousy is controlled (not violent or obsessive), it can show the person they are loved and cherished - I'm sure we all like to feel like someone appreciates us enough to not want to lose us. Of course, if this turns into incessant questioning, passive-aggressive behavior and meaningless fights, it stops being good for the relationship.

So, yeah, jealousy is irrational, it can turn love into rage in seconds and is more related to what one has going on in his own head than what is really happening. But most of us can't make it go away entirely, the best we can hope for is to learn to manage it, identify its absurdity and work through it with our partner... Because, in the end, it is just love expressed in a not-so-functional way and it needs only be set back on track.

SCHEINKMAN, M. (2010). Disarming Jealousy in Couples Relationships: A Multidimensional Approach SCHEINKMAN & WERNECK. Family Process, 49(4), 486-502.

The L word... Not lesbian-related, by the way!

No, it's not Lesbian... I've never even seen that show! I just found it an appropriate title for this entry.

Once, after saying "I'm in love!" someone said to me "well, you fall in love every 15 minutes"... At first, I was offended and it even got me thinking whether it was true, but not long after I realized some things: firstly, I do not fall in love every 15 minutes, however I am very intense when I like someone; secondly, what if I did?

I have met so many people who live in panic of saying or hearing the 'l' word. Why is it so hard for people to say that word? Some responses are "because it's not REAL love" or "you don't really mean it"... And while I agree that someone who says they love you and want to move in with you on the second date should be sent to therapy, I think that keeping yourself from telling someone how you feel because of how they MIGHT react is also mental.

About 6 years ago, while dating the guy with whom I've had my longest relationship, I came to the conclusion that my feelings themselves were what mattered... We went to a restaurant and I told him "I need to tell you something... And, don't worry, I don't need you to say it back, I know you don't feel it yet; I have waited until being at the point where I don't need you to say it for me to feel fine" and then I told him I loved him. He cried and said he was very happy to hear it and he didn't love me back... Yet... A couple of months later he said it and we were together for 4 and a half years.

There are many reasons for people to say 'I love you', like getting laid, getting someone to do something they're not too enthusiastic about, to hear it back, to feel needed, etc. But I think that when you say it just because you feel it, with no other objective but to let the other person know, then there's no way you can lose...

So, my advice? If you feel something for someone... TELL THEM SO! Don't be afraid to say 'I love you'! So what if you say it to many people? It just means you have a great capacity to love! And let people criticize you, it's just a reminder that they can't feel what you do... 

We should be less worried about loving people forever and more concerned with loving people NOW! If you wait too long, it might be too late.

(Straight) Dating protocol.

As I immerse myself back in the world of 'dating', I have come across an issue that troubles me: the dating protocol.

In more ways than one, straight people have it pretty simple, they follow a clear (granted, cheuvanistic) plan: boy asks girl out, they dress up, go somewhere for dinner, the boy pays, maybe kiss goodnight and the boy is supposed to call her back. Also, the mere fact that they have gone out implies that they like each other, at least a little bit.

I have found, however, that between two men it's not as clear. It is not necessarily implied that they like each other and the intentions either of them may have can be misunderstood.

More than once I have found myself on a date but not sure whether it actually is one - I mean, going out with a guy but doubtful about the other guy's intentions. The funny thing is that, more often than not, a bit after the 'date' the other guy says something like 'I had a great time' or 'you're really cute' which kind of quells my fears.

Still, the whole 'who calls whom' and 'how soon' still vex me.

Even more, in Mexico some people tend to think that after going out once or twice you automatically become 'boyfriends' and, therefore, exclusive. While I think that the idea of 'going out' with someone doesn't necessarily mean you will not meet other people in the process...

What I'm trying to say is, while sticking to the traditional dating protocol may work to a point, I believe there are situations dictated by sexual-role-related issues which cannot be overseen or simply taken for granted. It would be really interesting (or perhaps it will even be real soon) to see how the new TV shows, movies or stories in general handle the issue of gay dating. Though, most likely, it will just be a sorry adaptation of the 'straight' protocol.

One-night stands = Bootleg love.

With sex being so available, love has become a luxury item in the market... So to speak... 

I love buying TV series on DVD and take special pleasure in getting the "limited boxed editions" whenever I can lay my hands on them (I swear I have a point, bear it for a bit); of course, this also means that I pay a bit extra and can't buy as many as I might like. However, I do not think this is a bad thing.

Someone convinced me once to get the bootleg versions they sell on the street (which are, of course, way cheaper). The problem I found is that, while the quality of the video might be practically the same, the packaging was really unattractive; also, there comes a point where it was so easy to get them, that I wouldn't really mind which I bought, I'd just get three or four seasons of different series just 'to try and discover new things'.

In the end, I'd hardly watch half of the stuff I'd bought since I wasn't really interested, and the things I did want to see became less important - I would watch them once and put them away somewhere. It's like, if I buy an album by an artist I really like, I listen to the 13+ songs many times, enjoying each one to the fullest... While if I buy a 'discography' on mp3 for 10 pesos, I might listen to one or two songs and forget it exists.

I have found that 'express sex' is pretty much the same thing. At one point, having sex gets to be so easy, it loses meaning; it becomes an activity you do for the pleasure of the moment and it doesn't really matter who the other person is.

When you invest something else in a relationship with someone - and I don't necessarily mean 'true love' -, at least getting to know who you're sharing the bed with. You get to enjoy every moment, discovering something new in things you've done many times before. 

While this might be rather obvious, I have found it's really easy to forget that it can be so much more... That, rather than a one-time experience which will satisfy your immediate desire, it can become something that more than satiates the physical needs, going a bit farther.

Today I think I want to go back to getting the 'special limited edition' when it comes to being with someone... Even if it does require a bigger investment, patience and risk.