About bears and rejection.

You're not fat enough.

You're not hairy enough.

You're not big enough.

Your beard is not thick enough.

You're not (insert other options here) enough.

Ever heard any of this from a bear? 

This is one thing I have never quite understood. I don't know how common this is in other countries but it is very frequent in Mexico City.

What bugs me about it is the incoherence of it all. Just last week I was talking to a student about how, when I was in secondary school, I felt so ashamed of my body because I thought I was 'too thin'; today I know I'm not but it took years of work to realize it! However, I still remember the feeling of rejection and of 'not quite fitting in'... More than that, I have come to understand how stupid is to be rude to somebody or judge them just because they don't meet the requirements of 'beauty' that society has established.

Now, that being said, I also remember those other guys who were also bullied because of their weight, but because they were chubby instead... 

As far as I understand, the bear community was formed by those guys and for that exact same reason. I believe it was in order for those who felt rejected to have a place to belong to... Especially those who did not really fit the 'magazine-gay' stereotype... Why, then, are there some bears who insist on doing that? 

I must admit I do have some issues with guys who are feminine to the point of wearing girls' clothes or make-up, and while I wouldn't date them or want to look like them, it doesn't mean I'm rude to them. 

Now, I am, of course, not talking about everyone. I have a wonderful circle of bear friends who I love a lot; I have also met many friendly bears who practice what they preach. In fact, when I went to Washington D.C., I was welcomed rather warmly despite not being big and furry! I even found out that, while not a bear, I can still be part of the community as a wolf or a chaser! Even women are accepted and, sometimes, called 'goldilocks'!

So, yeah, I think we're doing something really wrong here in Mexico. And I also think it's the reason why it's so hard for the bear community to grow and become stronger.

Looking for a bear prince...(ss?)

Setting aside the issue of masculinity as expressed through mannerisms, way of speaking or clothing, there is another social instance in which people from the bear community (and other gay groups) seem to face; it's something I like to call the 'prince-princess complex'.

While I'm sure that someone else might've already done some research into this, here I just want to publish my own views on the matter.

In Mexico (as in may other countries, but I shall speak of my experience) cheuvanism and 'macho' beliefs are practically burnt into our brains from the moment we are born. Those 'you should's and 'you must's go way beyond what many of us can even imagine. Ideas such as that the guy is the one who pays for dinner, the one who picks the girl up for a date, the one who proposes and the one who makes the first move, are not something we can get rid of easily.

Now, when a guy decides to stay on one extreme, either playing the feminine or masculine role (and let me clarify that this has absolutely nothing to do with appearance, sexual role or any other characteristic rather than simple social interaction) it becomes rather easy, since they need only find someone who feels comfortable playing the other role. However, some of us are caught in the middle and can get confused thinking we want everything!

Once someone asked me whether I wanted to get married, I answered that I did and that I also had high expectations for a marriage proposal... And then, it hit me. I both wanted to be the one holding the ring AND the one receiving it. Odd, huh?

This may sound pretty silly, but I have seen people such as myself who have issues on dates since they both feel the need to pay the bill and a secret longing to be treated. Or even in bed, while sleeping, people who like to wrap their arms around their loved one protectively but, at the same time, feel like they want to be held and pampered.

In the end, of course, it all comes down to us following stereotypes that were not only meant for a heterosexual relationship, but don't even work for them! The prince-princess dilemma imposes specific 'needs' and 'obligations' on each gender, based of course on their sex, regardless of what they might actually want. I mean, who says that there always has to be one person who 'saves' the other one? Why can't it be a reciprocal thing where both help each other in times of need? Who decided that a marriage proposal is necessarily from a 'man to a woman'? Why can't it be something mutual in which both share in that wonderful experience?

I believe part of the issue the bear community has, in Mexico at least, is that it has forgotten that the main idea behind the creation of this group was to avoid discrimination based on stereotypes - NOT to make new ones! The bear community is supposed to show the world that gay men can also (and this is the keyword here, also not instead) be 'masculine'; but I think this should be an inclusive concept, taking into account the aspects that society typically categorizes as feminine and merging them.

Not long ago I heard a report on the fairy tale whose cover I used as illustration for this post. I was really excited about it since I think it's high time these kind of stories become more popular, our social roles and sex-based gender roles need updating... Urgently!