The flavor of life

Standing at the end of a story that ended too soon - or rather, just when it was meant to.

In the past month I loved, lived, cried, sang, hugged, kissed.. With a passion I hadn't in years. A love meant to end, a relationship that was not to be, and yet it was.

During this time, I also came across many people who did not understand why I would put my heart in a seemingly "pointless relationship" (sic). These people told me that they did not believe in 'Disney' love; love, they said, is a companionship, a relationship through which two people share a common project. And I agree completely.

However, isn't that also a friendship? Or just a partnership? I believe love is made of all these things as well... But, like the Gestalt theory suggests, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Then again, I've heard people say that such feelings (which develop so quickly) can't be 'real love'... That makes me wonder, 'what is REAL love?' Why can't we let ourselves be reckless for a while, allowing a feeling to take us over and show us a whole new world?

I live by the idea that everything in this world has a price, and we need to pay exactly that - no more and no less. I know so many people who say they want to find someone to love and who will love them back, and yet they are not willing to pay the price! I think that the cost of such a relationship is, mainly, getting out of your comfort zone and betting your heart. Actually, once I heard someone say that "to receive a certain amount of happiness, you have to pay with an equal amount of unhappiness" - and while it might sound a bit extreme, I'd say it makes a lot of sense. A connection with someone that makes you smile like never before can, by definition, access that part of you which can make you cry like never before.

And isn't it worth it?

Quoting Rose (from Gypsy) "Some people can get a thrill, knitting sweaters and sitting still; that's peachy for some people who don't know they're alive! But I at least gotta try!".

Love is meant to be felt, not understood. Someone who brings you a feeling of completeness, who makes you smile just by thinking about them, whose goodbye feels like a part of you is being torn... Someone like that... Why let them just pass you by?

Someone asked me some time ago how it was that I had long term relationships and always managed to find someone who wanted that. I think it's because I take the risk; I've seen what loving someone is like.. I've felt what it's like to be loved. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing (and certainly not fear), that could keep me from trying to get that again. It's too precious a feeling to undermine just because it 'might not last'. If the person goes away, if it doesn't work, I'll still have those fond memories with me for as long as I live... And, if you're the kind of person who believes in the afterlife, maybe even after I die.

So, why did I say it was too soon? Because I wish it had lasted forever. Why did I then correct myself and say it was when it was how it was meant to be? Well, what I want is not always what I need, right? The timing was right for the time we had. And, if it really is meant to be, well... The world is not that big anymore... And time goes by quite quickly... Things can happen... And things can change... At their own pace.

This relationship gave me more than I could have asked for and helped me realize that, yes, I can still fall in love. I have no regrets.

Playing the game

Dude: "So, did you have a good time?"

Me: "No, not really. We don't seem to have much in common. But thanks! Good luck!"

Seriously, after alternating between staring blankly into space and one-syllable semi-dialogues, it's kind of obvious, isn't it? And, in my mind, I'm thinking he must have been feeling the same way; and yet, they feel like I'm too rough.

But isn't that nicer than an 'oh, sure, I'll call you!" and then deleting their info from your cell?

I think the opposite is also true, when you go out with someone you really like, there's nothing wrong with calling the next day. Some people have told me it's best to wait and 'play it cool'... Well, while it IS fun every now and then, I don't really see the point of these odd social interaction rules.

There's another unspoken rule I find rather off-putting: beating around the bush instead of saying what you want. I mean, I am not saying I like having a chat window open with tasteless sexual offers (also, there's nothing wrong with being horny AND civilized!) but the whole "I want to be friends" when your profile pic shows your bare ass is not very convincing, is it?

I guess I never really learned to play the game. I have seen how being a bastard makes people be more attracted to you... I have been on both sides. But I find it such a waste of time! When you find someone that awakens that little light in your heart and stirs your insides, why not let them know? 

Oh, wait, I know! "I'm afraid I'll get hurt" or "what if he uses that against me?"... Well, I say "so, what?" You're going to be anxious and obsessing over it anyway, right? It's not like you can just turn your feelings off. Instead you're stuck in the same place feeling uneasy and, perhaps, hurting yourself with stupid ideas. Why not just take the chance and the risk? 

I know many people who prefer to live on the safe side. Not getting too involved, superficially dating people getting as little as possible to satisfy their need for closeness without risking being hurt. Living anesthetised, unable to feel. 

Very recently, I fell in love. Hard. With someone with whom, I knew, I couldn't have a lasting relationship; and yet, I prefer to live a month, or a week, deeply in love, intensely, letting it fill my whole being. True, the price for such a heavenly feeling is, of course, equivalent. Whatever you get in life, I think, you need to pay for. If you want to live blissful love, you need to work and pay accordingly - emotionally speaking. Is it rough? Does it hurt? Do you feel like you're dying inside when it's over? Yes. Is it worth it? I believe so. When I say that I lived a week being happy as I have ever been, isn't it logical that losing it would give me an unhappiness equally as strong? 

One cannot expect to find a love to die for by offering only what is safe to give. You get what you pay for, no more and, of course, no less.