The flavor of life

Standing at the end of a story that ended too soon - or rather, just when it was meant to.

In the past month I loved, lived, cried, sang, hugged, kissed.. With a passion I hadn't in years. A love meant to end, a relationship that was not to be, and yet it was.

During this time, I also came across many people who did not understand why I would put my heart in a seemingly "pointless relationship" (sic). These people told me that they did not believe in 'Disney' love; love, they said, is a companionship, a relationship through which two people share a common project. And I agree completely.

However, isn't that also a friendship? Or just a partnership? I believe love is made of all these things as well... But, like the Gestalt theory suggests, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Then again, I've heard people say that such feelings (which develop so quickly) can't be 'real love'... That makes me wonder, 'what is REAL love?' Why can't we let ourselves be reckless for a while, allowing a feeling to take us over and show us a whole new world?

I live by the idea that everything in this world has a price, and we need to pay exactly that - no more and no less. I know so many people who say they want to find someone to love and who will love them back, and yet they are not willing to pay the price! I think that the cost of such a relationship is, mainly, getting out of your comfort zone and betting your heart. Actually, once I heard someone say that "to receive a certain amount of happiness, you have to pay with an equal amount of unhappiness" - and while it might sound a bit extreme, I'd say it makes a lot of sense. A connection with someone that makes you smile like never before can, by definition, access that part of you which can make you cry like never before.

And isn't it worth it?

Quoting Rose (from Gypsy) "Some people can get a thrill, knitting sweaters and sitting still; that's peachy for some people who don't know they're alive! But I at least gotta try!".

Love is meant to be felt, not understood. Someone who brings you a feeling of completeness, who makes you smile just by thinking about them, whose goodbye feels like a part of you is being torn... Someone like that... Why let them just pass you by?

Someone asked me some time ago how it was that I had long term relationships and always managed to find someone who wanted that. I think it's because I take the risk; I've seen what loving someone is like.. I've felt what it's like to be loved. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing (and certainly not fear), that could keep me from trying to get that again. It's too precious a feeling to undermine just because it 'might not last'. If the person goes away, if it doesn't work, I'll still have those fond memories with me for as long as I live... And, if you're the kind of person who believes in the afterlife, maybe even after I die.

So, why did I say it was too soon? Because I wish it had lasted forever. Why did I then correct myself and say it was when it was how it was meant to be? Well, what I want is not always what I need, right? The timing was right for the time we had. And, if it really is meant to be, well... The world is not that big anymore... And time goes by quite quickly... Things can happen... And things can change... At their own pace.

This relationship gave me more than I could have asked for and helped me realize that, yes, I can still fall in love. I have no regrets.

Chemical Heartbreak - Or why the F*** won't it stop hurting?

Have you ever felt like those scientists researching black holes should be looking inside your chest to take some samples? Or that odd feeling like you cannot breathe or you are just not breathing enough? Yep, I have felt all that too. In fact, I am going through it right now! Which, of course, prompted me to do some research on the topic.

Now, I am a very rational person and, to my mind, I should be able to modulate or help ease the pain of breaking up; I mean, it's not like I lost the person or anything like that - and it is certainly not like I'm sick! ... ... ... Or is it?

It is true that there are many neurotransmitters that are affected by this sudden change in one's world (thought it's rarely THAT sudden... But I'll get to that on some other post), but I have found something called 'Takotsubo (octopus vase) Cardiomyopathy' or "Broken Heart Syndrome" (and yes, it is a picture of a woman, but just imagine it has no breasts and something extra... Unless, of course, you are a woman, in which case... Well... You get the point). Sure, this is a whole other level of heartbreak - it can even kill you. And it IS more related to the acute stress felt by emotional issues... But still, it made me think about how our body resents the blow of losing someone you love.

A friend of mine once asked me if I knew why we felt pain in our hearts when we had problems related to love or emotions in general... Then he explained (of course I had no idea and he just wanted to show off, but still I liked what he said) that he thinks it is because the ache we feel is really strong... And if we were to feel it in our brain (also, this is stupid since the brain has no pain receptors, but let me finish with what he said) and hurt it, we could not recover from it; a stroke is way more damaging than a heart attack (he said).

Whether this is what God or whoever was thinking when he decided to give us this treat, I have no idea; what I do know is that it freakin' sucks!

It also lets me know that there is, indeed, very little one can do to avoid or speed up the process of healing a broken heart. Meditation has worked for me lately... WHILE I am meditating, later it just comes back. 

I think that there is no way to end a relationship so it doesn't hurt - no matter if it was a 'nice' break up where both parties agreed and stayed amicable  or if it was a scream-and-tear-your-clothes kind of break up... There is nothing to help it but time.