A wolf among... Women!?!?

As I go through my break-up saga, I found myself today in a very unusual situation - surrounded by women.
Let me explain, for some reason, all my friends are men (and mostly bears, at that) and I hardly hang out with any women at all! But today, while in class, my teacher and one of my classmates enquired about the origin and development of my situation; this went from me talking about my predicament of where to live to our teacher sharing her own story of love and drama.
While this was going on, I came to a shocking discovery (at least to me!). I have always taken pride in being a good listener (in the end, it's part of both my jobs) but I had never thought about the fact that I'm not a very good talker.
My own part in the discussion was quite brief but this was in no way their fault; I realised that I am quite practical and go straight to the point, trying to make things as concise as possible - which would be all nice and well except that I am not discussing what I might have for lunch! I realised that women actually listen and are interested in knowing how you FEEL.
I came to the astonishing conclusion that, among my friends, we do talk about how we feel for like 10 minutes and then we get down to the practical part of the issue... I am so not used to talking about being angry and all that crap - which does not mean I don't need it!
I guess I have underestimated the value of a friendship with a girl. Odd, huh?
Also, in Mexico we don't normally have fag hags... At least not as much as in other countries. But that will be a topic for some other post!

Chemical Heartbreak - Or why the F*** won't it stop hurting?

Have you ever felt like those scientists researching black holes should be looking inside your chest to take some samples? Or that odd feeling like you cannot breathe or you are just not breathing enough? Yep, I have felt all that too. In fact, I am going through it right now! Which, of course, prompted me to do some research on the topic.

Now, I am a very rational person and, to my mind, I should be able to modulate or help ease the pain of breaking up; I mean, it's not like I lost the person or anything like that - and it is certainly not like I'm sick! ... ... ... Or is it?

It is true that there are many neurotransmitters that are affected by this sudden change in one's world (thought it's rarely THAT sudden... But I'll get to that on some other post), but I have found something called 'Takotsubo (octopus vase) Cardiomyopathy' or "Broken Heart Syndrome" (and yes, it is a picture of a woman, but just imagine it has no breasts and something extra... Unless, of course, you are a woman, in which case... Well... You get the point). Sure, this is a whole other level of heartbreak - it can even kill you. And it IS more related to the acute stress felt by emotional issues... But still, it made me think about how our body resents the blow of losing someone you love.

A friend of mine once asked me if I knew why we felt pain in our hearts when we had problems related to love or emotions in general... Then he explained (of course I had no idea and he just wanted to show off, but still I liked what he said) that he thinks it is because the ache we feel is really strong... And if we were to feel it in our brain (also, this is stupid since the brain has no pain receptors, but let me finish with what he said) and hurt it, we could not recover from it; a stroke is way more damaging than a heart attack (he said).

Whether this is what God or whoever was thinking when he decided to give us this treat, I have no idea; what I do know is that it freakin' sucks!

It also lets me know that there is, indeed, very little one can do to avoid or speed up the process of healing a broken heart. Meditation has worked for me lately... WHILE I am meditating, later it just comes back. 

I think that there is no way to end a relationship so it doesn't hurt - no matter if it was a 'nice' break up where both parties agreed and stayed amicable  or if it was a scream-and-tear-your-clothes kind of break up... There is nothing to help it but time. 

Breaking up versus tearing each other apart.

Hey guys. Well, here I am. Single now. Ever been there? Yeah, it sucks... And yet, I've had it way worse.

So, I've been living with my boy- Ugh, I guess it's 'ex-boyfriend' now - for about a year and a half, almost two years. Still, over the past few weeks we realised that we were slowly detaching... We have crazy work schedules and many other factors which I will NOT discuss here. 

I was expecting a big drama (and we did have it, I cried like a little baby for a couple of days) and today we finally broke up. Funny thing was, we are still living together. I know what you're thinking: "What? Are you insane?" And I might just be.

We decided that we could... What's the word... Salvage the good things about 'us'. We were talking and we agreed that just suddenly disappearing from each other's lives was too much... And, perhaps, unnecessary - So, I moved to the other room we have.

I understand the consequences this might have... Both positive or negative. But isn't it insane that most people, or at least I do, think that breaking up ALWAYS has to mean to literally rip that person off your heart? I mean, it is true that it's difficult to go from one kind of relationship to another but I think that if two people really love each other, neither wants the other to get hurt!

I believe that people can create their own version of whatever they have to live - we are so used to seeing TV drama-like break ups that anything else seems impossible and unthinkable.

I do not claim that this will be a successful plan, but I think it is worth a try. If it works, I'll not have lost a lover, I'll have won a great friend... If it doesn't work, well it was going to end up like that anyway, so I'm willing to take the chance.

What do you think? Have you ever tried any alternative breaking up methods?

Before cooking the perfect relationship, don't you have to know what your favourite ingredients are first?

Wow, it has been A WHILE since I last wrote something on here, huh? Glad to see you guys are still checking it out every now and then!

Now, on to today's topic...

I've been carrying out an investigation on polyamorous relationships and I have found out some very interesting things... And, although I will not post them here until I am finished, I have come across some ideas that have definitely got me thinking.

When I was little, I, perhaps as many of us have, dreamt of a romantic disney-movie-like love story; of course, as I grew a bit older, it got a bit more explicit, no longer PG-13... But still with the same ending! A life with someone special I'd love more than anything in the world, both of us doing what we love and earning enough to have a place to live and enjoy our lives. Perhaps, some time later, we'd adopt a child and raise him or her into an amazing person... But, what happens when the fairy tale doesn't quite work out? Worse still... What happens when you realise that this fairy tale is not the ONLY possibility?

As I was interviewing one of the participants in the study I mentioned before, I realised that, very often, people like me just accept that we want this or that idea just because that's the way we have been taught all our lives... Like, how can you possibly consider that, say, chocochip cookies might not be your favourite flavour ever when it is the only thing you have eaten all your life?

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I want to rush into a non-traditional relationship just because I met a couple of people who have tasted other flavours in the fridge... But, rather, it has got me thinking about how judgmental we (and, by 'we', I mean 'I') can be. When I met one of the participants (about 7 years ago) and he told me of his relationship (where they are a couple who will, every now and then, have a third boyfriend they get emotionally involved with... or perhaps each of them might have a different boyfriend on the side as well), I was beyond shocked! How could that possibly be? Love is ONLY between two people who share absolutely EVERYTHING!! In fact, they are supposed to be SO "meant to be" that there is only ONE person in the WHOLE WORLD that is right! Oh, but that's fine, they'll break up and have so many issues they'll surely regret it! ... ... ... Or at least that's the way I thought before. Today, they have been together for 10+ years and are happy as can be, sharing a life and planning a future that fulfills them both.

Does this mean I want to do it too? Not really. To me this only means that having a relationship with someone is like cooking your favourite dish (not that I do it that often, but it's the first example I could think of... Perhaps I'm hungry?), someone gives you the recipe the first time but, when you taste it, it is rarely as good as you wish it were... At that point you have two options: you either stick to that recipe or take a chance and modify it. The latter will certainly disappoint you a few times, it might even make you sick or blow up your kitchen... But when you find it, the moment you know which ingredients make your favourite dish perfect... Well, I guess it's all worth it!

Is that the happy ending we were all hoping for? Perhaps... Of course, eating the same dish might get boring with time... And, when that happens, you just need to modify the recipe again! 

"Till death do us part" he said... But I'm not that patient...!

This is a topic I hadn't thought of until today. I mean, on the one hand it is very common... You know how most things nowadays have to be updated like every other week in order to catch up to our fast-moving lives? I mean, you buy a computer or software and, the second you walk out the store, the new one is already out! However, I had not considered how this can be applied to the very important issue of relationships and commitment.

Last year, while attending a conference on sexuality and gender studies, one of the experts commented that the idea of 'marrying someone for love' is quite new, about 100 years old; before that, people saw it as a way to obtain material gain and/or mantain/improve their social status - it was just a contract. 

And still, today people have this illogical idea that marriage is and always has been based on love, since the dawn of mankind! Absurd!

On the other hand, I must admit that, deep down, I too dream of the fairy tale ending and a 'happily ever after' - mind you, I have come to terms with the idea that it is more important to have a stable life than a wild passionate romance that lasts an eternity... But what does that mean? 

Until like a few hundred years ago people lived to be around 40 or 50 tops... By the time you turned 20 you were already halfway to the other side... But now, if you marry someone when you're, say, 27... You might have to be with them about 60 more years! I really don't think this contract was devised for such circumstances...

One of my teachers was telling me about a theory which says that the new generations will have about 4 stable partners (I won't go into the details of why, of course...): One to experiment and discover what it's like to be with someone; one to have children or create something with; one to have fun in a mature way; and finally, one who you will be with till you're old and die. The interesting thing is not whether this is true or not, but rather how we have no idea what relationships will be like in a few years! I mean, that already sounds to me like you get an iBoyfriend and in a couple of months you either upgrade this one or get a new model altogether! 

This is not necessarily a bad thing, of course. I think it is quite sensible to be able to know whether you are happy with the person you are with and be mature enough to accept that it might end in a different way than the "happily ever after", and act accordingly... While the alternative is staying together forever because divorce equals sin and you'd rather live in hell here but get a wonderful afterlife...

A long time ago I heard a priest say that the whole "till death do us part" had been modified to accommodate the needs of a specific time (when they didn't want people getting divorced) despite the original idea being "till the death of love do us part" or something like that... Which is a much more reasonable clause...

In my opinion, these changes are the inevitable evolution of relationships in an ever-changing world and must be taken according to what each individual needs... As long as all the participants are informed and agree, I think they can lead their lives as they please... What do you think?

It's all in how you take it... It doesn't have to hurt!

I have heard words like 'faggot' and 'queer' countless times (ironically not usually directed at me, even when walking on the street holding hands with my bear) and I am hardly surprised or offended. In fact, I have come to terms with most terms and have no problems with them.

A long time ago, when my sister was around 13 or 14, she came home crying one day and said she was very angry 'cause in her school someone said I was a homo... I looked her in the eye, smiled and said: "Well, I am. And you have known that for a while too." I will never forget the expression on her face when she realised it was true and said "oh, right!" - she didn't have any more problems since then.

Funny how this works, huh? I think that, although most of these terms are intended as an offense, it depends on how we take them. When someone says stuff like "pillow-biter" or it's opposite, I just think "well, yeah! Sometimes. So?". I can't help but picture myself calling a heterosexual man something like "pussy-lover!" - they would probably smile and say "hell yeah!".

Why can't we be proud of our own sexuality and start learning to accept it ourselves? I think it's quite ironic that we complain about people rejecting and judging us when the real problem is in how we take things... Most gay men know that if it hurts, you're most likely doing it wrong! 

Being 'too gay' - What does that really mean?

Lately I have been thinking about this topic. I needed to get some new clothes and couldn't decide on where to go... Should I go somewhere fashionable or a place with more neutral clothes? Is wearing bright colours too much or is it odd to wear flannel shirts most of the time? 

While pondering on this topic I went on a designer's website and was terrified by the main page: a boy(?) wearing a flowery pink 'suit', a low-cut (WTF?) t-shirt (which looked more like a blouse) and a really thin scarf-type-thing around his neck... I, of course, decided against looking for anything fashion-related ever again. 

Still, this kind of judgement might have gone a bit too far, I mean it's not like we always have to stick to extremes... But where is the happy queer medium when it comes to what you wear? 

Also, what is the problem with being 'too gay'? I myself have come to realise I have this conflict when I hear people saying my 'gayness' shows a little... And it makes me uncomfortable and a bit too self-conscious - even though I always pride myself in the fact that I'm happy with my sexuality!

I don't really have a 'conclusion' on this topic right now... But I know I will definitely not walk around wearing clothes that make people wonder whether I have a twin sister I share my clothes with!

Lays - you can't have just one... Oops, did I miss the apostrophe?

This week I was preparing a questionnaire for a study on polyamorous relationships when I proposed to use the following item: "I have had less than 5 sex partners in the last..." - and here is where it got interesting... My research partner said "two years?" and I said "what? I was going to say 2 months!"

That's when I had a slight epiphany on two things: one, I spend all my time with gay men and thus have lost the grip on the idea that there are other kinds of lifestyles; two, straight people don't have nearly as much sex as we do... 

This might sound silly to some people, but then I wondered how many of my friends can still count the people they have had sex with? I mean, this girl knew the exact number (I'm sure she knows names and all). Personally, I can still remember (almost) all of them since I wasn't that active until a short time ago... But I can sense that soon it'll be impossible (and pointless) for me to try to list them.

Now, although I agree that women in general (at least in the straight world) tend to be more... reserved... about who they sleep with, I think it's way more than that. We were discussing this and we agreed that with men it's really just sex and nothing more... It's like "hey, you're hot, wanna do something?" "ok" and that's that.

I haven't had the chance to ask my friends directly how many people they think they have slept with but a couple of them gave me enough information by answering: "like, in the last week? or month?"

I'm not really interested in getting all philosophical here about the topic but it does get one to think... How does this change the way men interact? Does this mean it's harder for us to connect on that level or do we do other things that require that intimacy?

So, perhaps you won't feel like exposing yourself but... How many have you jumped in the sack with?

A whole new meaning to "Hanky" Panky - The Hanky code in the leather community

A couple of weeks ago, I was reminded of this topic in one of our parties. See, in Mexico, most 'traditions' related to the bear or leather community are literally non-existent, so I was quite surprised to see that one of our bear friends had a red handkerchief in his right side... Now, in the leather community this would mean he is a fisting bottom... Of course, when we told him, he had absolutely no idea of what it meant and was quite shocked by it - he obviously removed it immediately.

Anyway, the interesting point is how in this country a lot of people may talk about how they are part of this or that group without really even knowing what it is about. I remember when I went to D.C. to visit my current boyfriend, he took me to this leather-store where I saw these little cards with a bunch of colours and what they represented. It went something like this:

Left back pocket - Top

Right back pocket - Bottom

Black - S&M

Red - Fisting

Dark Blue - Anal sex

Light Blue - Oral sex

Yellow - Watersports

Brown - Scat

Green - Hustler*

Orange - Anything, anytime.

Purple - Piercing*

Gray - Bondage

(*I'm not really sure about these ones, I lost my card and I got these from Wikipedia... The others I think are correct, though).

My bear then explained how there were all these codes that people actually used in the community... Then I remembered this very famous bar in Mexico City called "Tom's Leather Bar". Now, this place is probably as hardcore as it gets... And nothing really happens. It's basically a bar (where nobody is wearing leather or anything like it) with a back room where people go to mess around. There is nothing there that even remotely resembles a 'community'.

Now, while I don't actually think I could get into this world, I think it's pretty cool to have this form of communication, it somehow makes it feel more like an actual group in which you can really feel like you belong.

Note: I found a more detailed list here, if you are interested http://www.cuffs.stuorg.iastate.edu/?p=199

Happy VD!! Hope you have a great one!! ...BTW I meant Valentine's day!

Those initials can stand for so many things... Like, there is a gay club in Mexico called "VD+"... Happily most people remain oblivious to its most common meaning... I can't help but laugh whenever people say "It's only a hundred pesos to get into VD+"... 

So, a friend of mine posted on Facebook something like "this weekend it's not about finding Mr. Right, but about finding someone to spend Valentine's with!" I don't think he could have said it any better.

How many people go out desperate to find someone to share this 'so-called' special day with? Don't get me wrong, I am a total prey to marketing events and things like this just make me go crazy and buy romantic crap. But, what are the side-effects and dangers of this quest?

I know a lot of clubs organise VD related events... And how often do people just hook-up because they feel even more lonely on this day? Hell, how often do they settle for people they wouldn't even look at on a different date?

This got me thinking about how honest people are about their own VD... Yes, this time I mean the nasty VD!

I have been lucky enough to meet people who are very up front about having anything... But through my education and vicarious knowledge I have learned that you can get lots of stuff without even knowing it... Or do you always check the other person's body for any sign of infection? There are things that aren't obvious, you know? And in the heat of the moment, really, most people are already sucking cock before even taking their pants off... Let alone inspecting it beforehand (pun intended).

So, this weekend go, eat, drink, play... But remember that, most likely, this is just for this weekend so don't put all your eggs in one basket because it might be easier to find Mr. Right on a day when not everybody is looking for a remedy for loneliness... 

Oh, and one more thing... A red hanky does NOT mean "romantic and nice"... It means FF... Fist-F*ck! But you knew that, right? No? Ok, my next entry will be about the renowned Hanky Code in the leather community!