New love can never be as good as the one to come afterwards...

"The sudden abundance and apparent availability of love experiences (...) can make one believe that the ability to love grows with the accumulated experience and that the next 'love' will be and even more stimulating experience than the current one - though not as exciting and fascinating as the one to come after the next one"... Or so Mr. Zygmunt Bauman says in his book 'Liquid Love'.

This book was given to me by a dear friend since he knows that, as a psychologist, I'm very interested in the way relationships develop and evolve through time, as well as in the different ways society is changing. Little did I know, this book would have so many interesting ideas and such a deep insight into the way marketing and the media have transformed the idea of 'love'.

So, reflecting a bit on the quote I roughly translated above, I was thinking about how, in a way, the real thing can never beat the fantasy of what could be... And in our society of disposable everything, it's quite easy to get caught in that idea... This takes me back to the first time I fell in love with someone who felt the same way for me. It was that magical, Disney-movie-love, that makes everything seem right even though it may not be. He was like 21 years older than me or something like that and very reluctant to have a relationship with someone so young. At the time, I thought him mad for allowing such a petty detail get in the way of us being together. I didn't understand his point of view at all and did everything I could to prove him wrong - granted, I have been around people who are older than me all my life so it wasn't that difficult. Thus, being an economically-independent 19-year-old student, I found my way into his heart little by little. We were together for about four and a half years and lived together about 18 months. We had a great relationship and we complemented each other quite well; of course, we had our differences but what couple doesn't? Sometimes I think back and recall how, when I felt lost and frustrated, he had a way of hugging me and saying "everything will be okay" that really convinced me it was so.

So, what went wrong, you ask? Ah, it's quite simple. I was young and stupid. Hehehehe...

Towards the end of the relationship I started feeling the age-difference (or so I believed) issues... I began feeling like I wanted to go out and meet people, dance, go out for the weekend to some place just to be out of the city... Be spontaneous. He didn't want this. I felt like that Abba song 'One of us': "I saw myself as a concealed attraction, I felt you kept me away from the heat and the action".

I started thinking about the possibilities a new relationship could bring. Someone I could love and who would love me back, besides being compatible with me in these ways. 

Now, after reading this book, and in my current situation I understand this idea of love being similar to technology... In our current fast-moving world, we are immersed in a society in which everything is disposable and the idea of a long-lasting product was lost years ago, since the 'new and updated version' will be available in a short time. What I mean is, today I realize that I couldn't see how much that relationship gave me because of the expectations of what 'could be'.

The romantics and others who share their ideas will probably be appalled by my crude and 'cold-hearted' similes, but this is just my perception, not the gospel truth... 

This also goes along with something else Bauman says which is that, lately, the notion of  "till death do us part" has become old-fashioned... And this has had important implications on 'love'; it has made the requirements for an experience to be defined as 'love', much simpler... It also means that it's not that more people qualify to be 'good potential partners' but rather that we have lowered the standards for them to be just that - I mean, since one no longer thinks about a life-long partner, then it doesn't matter if he or she is not perfect, right? Also, it means that, if this one doesn't work, it's not like I need to get married right away, those standards have also changed and I can just date whoever I want for as long as it's convenient. This is, of course, a double-edged sword because, while it gives you more freedom, it also makes it harder to appreciate the one thing you do have.

I think this is all, in a way, sad. I remember the days when I fell in love thinking "this is the one I will be with for life" and believed it was the only way it could be. Today I wonder if that is still a feasible idea in a world like ours. 

Today I can see that I have been caught in this 'modern' lifestyle in which it's too easy to get what you think you want, despite sacrificing what you need.

Any thoughts on this? Do you think we have lowered our standards about what we call 'love'?

Back to mono... gamy... Is it possible?

Ok, so I've never really been in an open relationship, much less a polyamorous one - in fact, I think I might be too jealous to do it; however, with my ex we had an arrangement where we would admit a third as long as it was the two of us together.

Still, after we broke up, I dated some people casually and enjoyed the pleasures of being able to do whatever I wanted - this led me to the idea that, perhaps, I was ready to try a more modern kind of lifestyle. Would it be possible for me to actually separate the sexual and affective components of relationships?

Well, I still don't know the answer to that question. Nevertheless, recently I was presented with a situation which would mean going back to being completely monogamous... So... Ouch...

I mean, taking the step from being faithful to one person to fooling around with other people is not that hard... But going back?

As I was pondering this question, I, of course, started listing the pros and cons of the situation. On the one hand, I believe it really promotes a deeper connection between the two people, there is more of a romantic, idealistic tint to the relationship and it is way safer. On the other hand, you only have sex with one person... Now, don't get me wrong, I think that growing to love someone and enjoying intimacy with them is an experience that (takes time, obviously and) can't be beaten; but I also think it's true that we humans are not built to be monogamous. In the days when sex was all about reproduction and making little heirs, of course it was vital to make sure the baby was your own, and yet I think that there is way more to it.

Another factor that I think is very important to consider is questioning this custom; asking yourself if you want to be monogamous because YOU really want it or if it is because that is the way you were brought up.

Personally, I went through this process and discovered that, while it is mostly because that's what my parents (and the media) taught me, I still think there is some value to that commitment.

I am, evidently, still considering the option... In fact I am reading a book on modern relationships which I really want to talk about here... I hope I get a chance to do it soon.

So, what do you think? Can one be monogamous after trying the alternatives?

Pride 2011 (Night) - or bears don't dance.

And I'm back! Again, thanks to all of you who have been checking my blog out despite the lack of updates!

So, the night of pride (yeah, like a month ago or something like that) we went to this 'bear event' organised by bearmex - which is practically the only option for people who want to be in a bear-like environment.

It was in a very popular club called 'Living' which normally has a very different scene - snobbish. The place itself was actually pretty good; rather big and with really cool music. 

As the night went by, more and more bears showed up until it got quite packed (as you can see in the pic)!! I like these parties because I get to see people from out of town, including guys from other countries. The environment is also nicer because, normally, the bears who go to the bars are like striking a pose, but in these events, they seem to relax and let themselves be.

The Mr.Bearmex contest was really interesting, with some singing, some dancing, some stripping, some odd poetry-like shows and Adam Champ (woof!)...

But just before all that madness started, I was looking at the dance floor from the 2nd floor and I saw a bear getting on a platform-like thing and start dancing. Everybody went crazy for a bit, cheering him on; however, that's when I realised that, before, no one had been dancing or even moving to the music - everyone had been just standing there chatting with people (if they were in a group) or just looking around. 

Now, a couple of months ago I, reluctantly, went to a straight bar to celebrate one of my students' birthday and noticed something similar. I remember how nobody at the place was dancing except for us (the gays); they were all just standing there, looking pretty... Or something like that. That day, I complained about the place because I said I was used to going out to have fun and not just sit around doing nothing.

I guess it doesn't just happen there. Still, I do wonder why it was like that. I mean, I have seen bears at regular bars or clubs and they dance quite a bit! But, for some reason, when they are at the bear-oriented events, everyone is like trying to be cool and not move much... 

Still, it was a fun night. 

How do bears celebrate Pride where you live??

Pride 2011 (Daytime)

Lots of people, lots of music, lots of gay... And lots of bears! I always say, the best thing about Pride is that we have a lot of amazingly hot bears coming from other parts of Mexico and quite a few foreigners!

... I know, I know, that's not the point of Pride. Still, I think some people focus a bit too much on the idea that it's losing its political objectives; actually, I think that the main idea stays the same, even if (and I agree with this) the way it's presented is getting a bit too crude. 

In fact, I went to a family thing on Saturday after Pride and, when mentioning that I was leaving early since we were meeting some friends to go to a club, one of my cousins made a few comments that kind of threw me off balance.. Evidently, she thinks that the second I meet up with my friends we all call and refer to each other as "girl".  This came as a shock because I have never done that... And I don't mean that as passing judgment on those who do, I'm just saying that it's a common mistake when generalising what gay men do.

This is where I think Pride can make a difference, there are soooooo many kinds of people that it really shows the diversity of our community. 

Unfortunately, I had to work most of the day and I got there quite late... I only stayed for an hour or so before it started raining so I don't have many pictures or much to say about it. 

But at night... Well... I saw some pretty interesting things that night which I will talk about on my next post... 

Till then, what do you think about the Pride Parade? Is it losing its political objectives and positions? Has it become just a carnival for the gays to go out and party? And, does it matter?

The day I really stopped playing 'straight' - Part 2

I know, it took forever! But here's the second part of the story...

So, the music was playing, people were dancing the night away and I was pondering what to do next... When my cousin came back to the table I asked her to dance with me and my companion to dance with my mother; as we were dancing, both my mother and cousin asked me why I wasn't dancing with my 'date'. "Because it's not MY WEDDING!" I snapped back at them... They looked at each other, puzzled, and answered "so?". Then my cousin had an idea, she said "I'll just ask the people at our table to get up and dance and we'll make a circle, will that make you less nervous?" I said yes and she proceeded to carry out the plan.

It was fun and interesting, the DJ was playing nice upbeat music and we were having a great time; we were soon joined by the newlyweds and some other family members... A few songs later, the group got sort of separated, my companion and I were left dancing next to each other (technically not with each other) close to the center of the dance floor when it happened. The DJ decided to switch from dancey-club music to salsa - which set me in a  decisive moment: go back to the table or take a chance and dance with him. 

We both stopped on our tracks and looked at each other with a what-do-we-do look; for a second I felt terrified, with an urge to run away... But I realised it was an excellent opportunity. So, I gave him my hand (remember I can't lead) and he looked at me, baffled, and asked "are you sure??", I shrugged and smiled - so, we started dancing.

I must say, I'm not a great dancer myself, so it added to the awkardness of the situation. As we danced, I looked around a bit and did notice some people staring - so I decided to stop worrying and just enjoy the night. 

It was a great feeling... A feeling of achievement... Here I was, making a statement: "This is me". Somebody told me once that it's easier when people know that you're gay since that way you know who's on your side and who isn't. It couldn't have been more true. I expected my uncle (the one who got married) to say something or give me a hard time about it... But he didn't. In fact, he even asked me to sing them a song as a wedding present - which made me feel he was completely comfortable with the whole situation. Another uncle, who I hadn't told since he's kind of cheuvanistic, came up to me before he left to say goodbye, hugged me unusually tight and said to my cub companion: "it was nice meeting you, hope to see you again soon" and hugged him - I was completely in awe. 

Of course, there were others who hardly even looked at me the rest of the night but, to be honest, it didn't bother me. I was so happy to see that those I actually care about were so accepting.

The rest of the evening went by quite smoothly. At the table I felt free to hug the cub I was with and just be myself. 

At the end of the night, the cousin who convinced and helped me to take the leap of dancing with a man in a non-gay setting asked me how I felt, when I said I was actually quite happy she said "See? It's just your paranoia, nothing happened!" I hugged her and thanked her for her help... But she was wrong... Something did happen. Somehow, doing that helped me not only feel more comfortable with who I am, but also realise how important it is to take a stand. I wouldn't say I am a stereotypical gay man so I believe this helps break some misconceptions people have about gay people... I mean, the guy I was dancing with is unusually tall and has a full beard - I know most of the people in that hall thought gay men were all queeny and feminine.

This was hard and it took time for me to have the courage to do it, but I believe that if more people dare to be themselves no matter where they are, it will make it easier for those who come after us... 

The day I really stopped playing 'straight' - Part 1

A couple of years ago, I went to the wedding of a friend's friend... At this event, we (the 'gays') were asked to be 'discrete', which wasn't difficult since we were not with our respective partners and we simply had to sit, watch, eat and wait it out. However, there was this other gay couple, a friend of the bride's, who had a few too many drinks... Now, I don't mean to sound classist but it is relevant to say it was in a sort of poor neighborhood with very conservative people. Anyway, at one point this couple of boys started arguing about something we couldn't quite make out, until one of them tried to storm out of the wedding; it was then that it happened. As he was stomping his way through the dance floor, his boyfriend caught up with him and they exchanged a few words... Then they started dancing together. I was quite surprised by this development and, sadly, not a half hour after this, everybody left, offended and indignant... I must say it was rather tragic to see the bride crying and the two boys apologizing for what had happened.

This memory came back to me last Friday since I was invited to my uncle's wedding... I found myself not wanting to go and I couldn't figure out why. This uncle knows I am gay and has met (and actually hired) my ex-boyfriend; he has told me he doesn't completely understand but that he loves me and accepts who I am. Nevertheless, this was a Catholic wedding in a church and my whole family (most of whom I hardly ever talk to and I am only out officially to three people out of, like, 30) was invited. As uneasy as I felt, I decided that I was being silly and went. The invitation was, originally, for my ex and I but, since we broke up, I ended up taking a friend (guy) of mine as my 'date'.

When we arrived at the place (a very fancy hall downtown) it hit me: I was the only (out) gay man among 300 people... Or rather 150 straight couples. I felt so out of place and... Odd... I am a very affectionate person and in this setting I felt limited.

The evening went okay until the dancing began; I have the disadvantage that most of my boyfriends have been taller than me and, therefore, I have only been led while dancing; I don't know how to dance with a girl! The guy I went with is an amazing dancer and I hated having both of us staring at the people having a good time. My cousin saw me and asked me why we didn't get up and dance; after giving her a disapproving glance I said "yeah, and freak out the family and have them shun me out completely?". She scoffed at me and pranced off to the dance floor with her boyfriend...

As I watched them go, a video I had seen earlier just flashed before my eyes... I realized that, while I might have been the only gay man out at the wedding, it didn't necessarily mean there weren't any others feeling the same way... Also, I thought about how different my life would have been 10 years ago if I had seen two men dancing at a public event... It would have filled me with hope and pride - whether I would have joined them or not...

Here is the video I was talking about... I will write the second part of my experience on my next entry... But tell me, what are your thoughts on this topic? Have you ever felt like this? If so, did you do or did you want to do something about it? 

A wolf among... Women!?!?

As I go through my break-up saga, I found myself today in a very unusual situation - surrounded by women.
Let me explain, for some reason, all my friends are men (and mostly bears, at that) and I hardly hang out with any women at all! But today, while in class, my teacher and one of my classmates enquired about the origin and development of my situation; this went from me talking about my predicament of where to live to our teacher sharing her own story of love and drama.
While this was going on, I came to a shocking discovery (at least to me!). I have always taken pride in being a good listener (in the end, it's part of both my jobs) but I had never thought about the fact that I'm not a very good talker.
My own part in the discussion was quite brief but this was in no way their fault; I realised that I am quite practical and go straight to the point, trying to make things as concise as possible - which would be all nice and well except that I am not discussing what I might have for lunch! I realised that women actually listen and are interested in knowing how you FEEL.
I came to the astonishing conclusion that, among my friends, we do talk about how we feel for like 10 minutes and then we get down to the practical part of the issue... I am so not used to talking about being angry and all that crap - which does not mean I don't need it!
I guess I have underestimated the value of a friendship with a girl. Odd, huh?
Also, in Mexico we don't normally have fag hags... At least not as much as in other countries. But that will be a topic for some other post!

Chemical Heartbreak - Or why the F*** won't it stop hurting?

Have you ever felt like those scientists researching black holes should be looking inside your chest to take some samples? Or that odd feeling like you cannot breathe or you are just not breathing enough? Yep, I have felt all that too. In fact, I am going through it right now! Which, of course, prompted me to do some research on the topic.

Now, I am a very rational person and, to my mind, I should be able to modulate or help ease the pain of breaking up; I mean, it's not like I lost the person or anything like that - and it is certainly not like I'm sick! ... ... ... Or is it?

It is true that there are many neurotransmitters that are affected by this sudden change in one's world (thought it's rarely THAT sudden... But I'll get to that on some other post), but I have found something called 'Takotsubo (octopus vase) Cardiomyopathy' or "Broken Heart Syndrome" (and yes, it is a picture of a woman, but just imagine it has no breasts and something extra... Unless, of course, you are a woman, in which case... Well... You get the point). Sure, this is a whole other level of heartbreak - it can even kill you. And it IS more related to the acute stress felt by emotional issues... But still, it made me think about how our body resents the blow of losing someone you love.

A friend of mine once asked me if I knew why we felt pain in our hearts when we had problems related to love or emotions in general... Then he explained (of course I had no idea and he just wanted to show off, but still I liked what he said) that he thinks it is because the ache we feel is really strong... And if we were to feel it in our brain (also, this is stupid since the brain has no pain receptors, but let me finish with what he said) and hurt it, we could not recover from it; a stroke is way more damaging than a heart attack (he said).

Whether this is what God or whoever was thinking when he decided to give us this treat, I have no idea; what I do know is that it freakin' sucks!

It also lets me know that there is, indeed, very little one can do to avoid or speed up the process of healing a broken heart. Meditation has worked for me lately... WHILE I am meditating, later it just comes back. 

I think that there is no way to end a relationship so it doesn't hurt - no matter if it was a 'nice' break up where both parties agreed and stayed amicable  or if it was a scream-and-tear-your-clothes kind of break up... There is nothing to help it but time. 

Breaking up versus tearing each other apart.

Hey guys. Well, here I am. Single now. Ever been there? Yeah, it sucks... And yet, I've had it way worse.

So, I've been living with my boy- Ugh, I guess it's 'ex-boyfriend' now - for about a year and a half, almost two years. Still, over the past few weeks we realised that we were slowly detaching... We have crazy work schedules and many other factors which I will NOT discuss here. 

I was expecting a big drama (and we did have it, I cried like a little baby for a couple of days) and today we finally broke up. Funny thing was, we are still living together. I know what you're thinking: "What? Are you insane?" And I might just be.

We decided that we could... What's the word... Salvage the good things about 'us'. We were talking and we agreed that just suddenly disappearing from each other's lives was too much... And, perhaps, unnecessary - So, I moved to the other room we have.

I understand the consequences this might have... Both positive or negative. But isn't it insane that most people, or at least I do, think that breaking up ALWAYS has to mean to literally rip that person off your heart? I mean, it is true that it's difficult to go from one kind of relationship to another but I think that if two people really love each other, neither wants the other to get hurt!

I believe that people can create their own version of whatever they have to live - we are so used to seeing TV drama-like break ups that anything else seems impossible and unthinkable.

I do not claim that this will be a successful plan, but I think it is worth a try. If it works, I'll not have lost a lover, I'll have won a great friend... If it doesn't work, well it was going to end up like that anyway, so I'm willing to take the chance.

What do you think? Have you ever tried any alternative breaking up methods?

Before cooking the perfect relationship, don't you have to know what your favourite ingredients are first?

Wow, it has been A WHILE since I last wrote something on here, huh? Glad to see you guys are still checking it out every now and then!

Now, on to today's topic...

I've been carrying out an investigation on polyamorous relationships and I have found out some very interesting things... And, although I will not post them here until I am finished, I have come across some ideas that have definitely got me thinking.

When I was little, I, perhaps as many of us have, dreamt of a romantic disney-movie-like love story; of course, as I grew a bit older, it got a bit more explicit, no longer PG-13... But still with the same ending! A life with someone special I'd love more than anything in the world, both of us doing what we love and earning enough to have a place to live and enjoy our lives. Perhaps, some time later, we'd adopt a child and raise him or her into an amazing person... But, what happens when the fairy tale doesn't quite work out? Worse still... What happens when you realise that this fairy tale is not the ONLY possibility?

As I was interviewing one of the participants in the study I mentioned before, I realised that, very often, people like me just accept that we want this or that idea just because that's the way we have been taught all our lives... Like, how can you possibly consider that, say, chocochip cookies might not be your favourite flavour ever when it is the only thing you have eaten all your life?

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I want to rush into a non-traditional relationship just because I met a couple of people who have tasted other flavours in the fridge... But, rather, it has got me thinking about how judgmental we (and, by 'we', I mean 'I') can be. When I met one of the participants (about 7 years ago) and he told me of his relationship (where they are a couple who will, every now and then, have a third boyfriend they get emotionally involved with... or perhaps each of them might have a different boyfriend on the side as well), I was beyond shocked! How could that possibly be? Love is ONLY between two people who share absolutely EVERYTHING!! In fact, they are supposed to be SO "meant to be" that there is only ONE person in the WHOLE WORLD that is right! Oh, but that's fine, they'll break up and have so many issues they'll surely regret it! ... ... ... Or at least that's the way I thought before. Today, they have been together for 10+ years and are happy as can be, sharing a life and planning a future that fulfills them both.

Does this mean I want to do it too? Not really. To me this only means that having a relationship with someone is like cooking your favourite dish (not that I do it that often, but it's the first example I could think of... Perhaps I'm hungry?), someone gives you the recipe the first time but, when you taste it, it is rarely as good as you wish it were... At that point you have two options: you either stick to that recipe or take a chance and modify it. The latter will certainly disappoint you a few times, it might even make you sick or blow up your kitchen... But when you find it, the moment you know which ingredients make your favourite dish perfect... Well, I guess it's all worth it!

Is that the happy ending we were all hoping for? Perhaps... Of course, eating the same dish might get boring with time... And, when that happens, you just need to modify the recipe again!