Of love and... Trust.

What happens when you go back to that kind of relationship teens have? You know, when you just want to be with that person all the time, despite knowing better; when you have that undeniable ache in your chest brought about by the possible redirection of your lover's gaze - also known as jealousy.

I am an adult and a psychologist, so one would expect I could handle these things quite well; after all, I have done it in the past!

It's funny going back to feeling that little ache in my chest. Mostly because today I know, rationally of course, the 'best' way to go about this situation... But I forgot that emotions care little about what my brain says!

In a book I read that one cannot learn to love; this is because we cannot think of every relationship as the following one, much less as a continuation of the previous one. In other words, whatever things you learned in one relationship will be of little use in the next one, mainly because it is not with the same person! So, every affair is like starting all over again. Doesn't that suck? I mean, you can definitely use some of the knowledge you acquired but very rarely will two people react in the exact same way.

Also, considering that the bear community in my country is terribly small - everybody knows everybody - and you cannot date anyone without everyone else noticing, you would think I would have learned that being with someone requires a lot of trust.

I used to think I had become quite sensible when it came to relationships... But the universe saw it fit to show me better.

Now, as I step into the uncertainty I realize that, indeed, experience and logic have absolutely nothing to do with love and relationships.

While there's no way to stop feeling jealousy or fear of losing the object of one's affection, I think that it is possible to enjoy even that. Of course, I don't mean being crazy "stalky" or violent, but rather I believe that a bit of jealousy is quite healthy and helps let the other person know that you really care about them. Moreover, the fear of being at risk means that you are investing something important in the relationship - you cannot lose anything unless you bet it first.

So, these feelings, normally associated with lack of self-confidence, can be put to good use if taken in a positive way, as part of the experience of taking the chance - the universe is reciprocal, if you want to win big, you have got to bet big. 

One-night stands = Bootleg love.

With sex being so available, love has become a luxury item in the market... So to speak... 

I love buying TV series on DVD and take special pleasure in getting the "limited boxed editions" whenever I can lay my hands on them (I swear I have a point, bear it for a bit); of course, this also means that I pay a bit extra and can't buy as many as I might like. However, I do not think this is a bad thing.

Someone convinced me once to get the bootleg versions they sell on the street (which are, of course, way cheaper). The problem I found is that, while the quality of the video might be practically the same, the packaging was really unattractive; also, there comes a point where it was so easy to get them, that I wouldn't really mind which I bought, I'd just get three or four seasons of different series just 'to try and discover new things'.

In the end, I'd hardly watch half of the stuff I'd bought since I wasn't really interested, and the things I did want to see became less important - I would watch them once and put them away somewhere. It's like, if I buy an album by an artist I really like, I listen to the 13+ songs many times, enjoying each one to the fullest... While if I buy a 'discography' on mp3 for 10 pesos, I might listen to one or two songs and forget it exists.

I have found that 'express sex' is pretty much the same thing. At one point, having sex gets to be so easy, it loses meaning; it becomes an activity you do for the pleasure of the moment and it doesn't really matter who the other person is.

When you invest something else in a relationship with someone - and I don't necessarily mean 'true love' -, at least getting to know who you're sharing the bed with. You get to enjoy every moment, discovering something new in things you've done many times before. 

While this might be rather obvious, I have found it's really easy to forget that it can be so much more... That, rather than a one-time experience which will satisfy your immediate desire, it can become something that more than satiates the physical needs, going a bit farther.

Today I think I want to go back to getting the 'special limited edition' when it comes to being with someone... Even if it does require a bigger investment, patience and risk.

Of love and... Desire.

"Love is the yearning of loving and preserving the loved one. A centrifugal impulse; unlike the centripetal desire. It is an impulse towards expansion (...) it implies the impulse of protecting, nurturing, give shelter and caress and pamper, or protect jealously. (...) While 'desire' longs to consume, love wishes to possess. Desire is self-destructive; love, self-preserving." Zygmunt Bauman on "Liquid Love".

Two people meet, like each other and decide they want to know whether they can be compatible on other things besides aesthetics. They talk, laugh and find each other's company pleasant, even satisfactory. As the evening develops, they long to feel the other person and feel a fire whenever there is a surreptitious touch... When they say goodbye, they kiss and realise there is something there...

So, what do they do? Or rather, what can they do? 

This initial connection is a powerful desire which could consume both of them in a blazing fire (which I'm not saying is wrong). But what happens after the flames are gone? After that first attraction fades away and you see the person bare, without the mystery of the unknown that surrounded them. Desire centers one's attention towards itself... Or rather, oneself... Sometimes it takes longer for the blaze to expose what hides beneath, but it never fails. 

If let alone, desire can be too intense and scald the surface of whoever is feeling it, altering their perception and making them too sensitive to what comes afterwards; thus preventing them from exploring the newly discovered individual.

Love, on the other hand, is a feeling of growth; an impetus to become better and improve the one beside you. While Bauman says love is possession, and I agree, I also think it is creation. In a previous entry I talked about the 'admiration' component in a romantic relationship, I think that is what can keep the desire renovating itself; I believe it is a fire centered, not around devouring, but absorbing and making that part of whoever you love, yours. 

Of love and... Admiration.

Hard as I try, I cannot seem to recall where it was I saw this idea... I know I read it somewhere, though...

Anyway, it was something like this: For love to grow between to people and transcend the mere 'infatuation' stage, there has to be something they admire in each other. When one falls in love with someone, that person seems completely flawless and sent from Heaven; but after a couple of months, half the things you used to find adorable turn out to be annoying, illogical or simply disgusting.

So, how do some couples manage to stay together for so long? Well, some just decide to turn a blind eye towards their issues and take their frustration out by starting senseless arguments; however, there are those who find qualities in their partner which surpass those things they cannot stand. 

Nietzsche once said that for a couple's love to go beyond 'animal attraction' (which is what most people mistake for 'true love' or 'being in love'), they need to be able to create something bigger than what they are together. This could be, but isn't necessarily, a child, of course - and for most people, that's what it is... I mean, in the end, how difficult is it to 'make a child'? Raising it IS tough but by the time you're faced with that problem it's too late to turn back (if you have some decency). 

Therefore, it all comes to knowing that you can learn something from the person you're with; that he or she can make you want to be a better person and inspires you, not only to improve your life together, but also to pursue your own dreams in order to keep providing the relationship with a reciprocal contribution.

So, lately, I have found myself thinking (when I meet someone) "what can I learn from you? is there something you do that I admire?" And I don't mean being wealthy or famous; but simply by being someone who is passionate about something they do - this is, perhaps, the greatest thing a person can do for their lover...

Conversely, I think it is just as important to ask myself daily if the things I do, the life I lead, could provide inspiration or foster admiration in someone else. 

The union of two should be to create something bigger than their combined result. 

Dating

Yeah, the 'D' word... I have always been so bad at it! And now that I'm single, I find myself trying to figure out how one is supposed to do it.

I started 'dating' when I was 15, but I kind of think that didn't really count; however, after I broke up with him, it only took about a month for me to meet my first real boyfriend, whom I was with for a bit over 2 years... After him, I was single for, perhaps, a couple of months before I met my next boyfriend - I think of him as my first life partner. We dated for a while, became 'boyfriends' and lived together for a couple of years... After splitting up, I was single for a couple of months as well, until I started having a long distance relationship with an American bear, who is now my roommate.

Wow, that sounds like some sort of crazy confession, huh? But rather, I see it as a way of setting the background for the topic at hand: I have never been good at dating.

When I go out with someone, I must admit I'm pretty practical. If I feel a connection and we hit it off, then I make time and try to find ways so we can see each other often and find out whether we can turn into something else; if not, well, let's just say I see no point in going forward. Or at least that's what I used to do.

As I dive back into the dating world I realise that, not only do I lack the experience most people seem to have, but apparently I have no natural instincts to show me how to behave. I find the whole process kind of pointless in a way. The idea that you should wait after the first date so as not to seem to eager; the fact that a guy will almost always be way more interested if he thinks you are not; the ambiguity of what each person wants when they meet, etc.

While I do find it kind of exciting and fun for a bit, I think it should be way more simple... Like, you meet and you put the cards on the table, that way nobody wastes anybody's time! 

Ok, fine, I have become kind of unromantic and, apparently, I don't have as much patience for these games as I used to. But I think it's as inconsistent as those people who have profiles on websites where you meet people and say things like "looking for friends and love" on their profile while having pictures of themselves completely naked and bending over; if you're looking for sex, just say it! I think it's silly that, in this day and age, people are still so concerned about being judged for who they are or what they do - mainly concerning their sex life.

So, I have commited to stay single through the end of the year. For the first time in my life, I think I am learning to really enjoy being by myself; focusing on myself, my friends, my job, my studies... I also want to learn all that so popular, and yet obscure to me, dating code. I want to learn when to call, when not to call, the things one is supposed to say and do in order to stay in the game... While I am in it. 

I still believe that it is a pointless game but I want to immerse myself in it for a while... When I tell this to my friends they roll their eyes and say that I'll probably have a new boyfriend by the end of the month... And they might be right! But at least for now, I am willing to take a different approach.

Hmmm... Today's post was a bit all over the place... I guess I just have a lot of ideas in my mind and can't seem to organise them!

So, what do you think about the whole dating game? Are you good at it? How did you learn? ... ... And most importantly... What have you learned?

Some things are best kept as memories - no use in trying to rewrite history.

Sitting on the stage of the bar (since there was no show going at the moment) my jaw dropped as I saw my ex-partner walk by through the sea of people...

Why was I so shocked? Well, this was my first serious boyfriend; we were together for about four and a half years (in total) and lived together for almost two... We had a great relationship and I have always remembered him as the man that made me feel loved and safe. He had this way of hugging me and saying "it'll be all right" that always made me believe it actually would.

So, I had thought of contacting him for the past three years, to see how he was - I guess, in a way, I wanted to salvage some of that relationship I remembered we had... I did text him a couple of times on his birthday and Christmas but, of course, I got no reply.

Anyway, tonight, as I walked towards him I realised that he looked quite different from what I remembered... And yet, he was the exact same person. When he looked at me, his eyes opened wide and he had this look as if he had seen a ghost or something... I said, "hey! how have you been?" and offered my hand as a greeting; he hardly moved, said "fine" and just stared at me. I got the message and walked away... I must say I was shocked and rather confused... I mean, it has been three years! A bit later he walked towards the exit and stood there - when I was on my way out, he gave me an angry look and turned his back to me. So much for the man I remembered!

However, I kind of understand. It can't have been easy for him (I know it wasn't for me); I just figured that what we had could probably evolve into something else. I must admit I still miss him from time to time... Or at least I did. I guess today I can finally move on, knowing that we will probably never talk again. 

A friend told me, not long ago, that we have 'memory so we can have flowers in winter'... And I guess that's the way it should be. The memories of what we had will forever stay in my mind, and some of them actually help me go on when I am in a pinch. 

I know every break up is different. Still, I can't stop thinking of that song "Rewriting History" everytime I think of him... Or rather, I couldn't - today I think that has finally become another chapter in my life.. A chapter that I will cherish as a memory and will not chase or try to bring back anymore.

What do you think? Is it easy for you to stay friends with someone you were romantically involved with?