Of love and... Admiration.

Hard as I try, I cannot seem to recall where it was I saw this idea... I know I read it somewhere, though...

Anyway, it was something like this: For love to grow between to people and transcend the mere 'infatuation' stage, there has to be something they admire in each other. When one falls in love with someone, that person seems completely flawless and sent from Heaven; but after a couple of months, half the things you used to find adorable turn out to be annoying, illogical or simply disgusting.

So, how do some couples manage to stay together for so long? Well, some just decide to turn a blind eye towards their issues and take their frustration out by starting senseless arguments; however, there are those who find qualities in their partner which surpass those things they cannot stand. 

Nietzsche once said that for a couple's love to go beyond 'animal attraction' (which is what most people mistake for 'true love' or 'being in love'), they need to be able to create something bigger than what they are together. This could be, but isn't necessarily, a child, of course - and for most people, that's what it is... I mean, in the end, how difficult is it to 'make a child'? Raising it IS tough but by the time you're faced with that problem it's too late to turn back (if you have some decency). 

Therefore, it all comes to knowing that you can learn something from the person you're with; that he or she can make you want to be a better person and inspires you, not only to improve your life together, but also to pursue your own dreams in order to keep providing the relationship with a reciprocal contribution.

So, lately, I have found myself thinking (when I meet someone) "what can I learn from you? is there something you do that I admire?" And I don't mean being wealthy or famous; but simply by being someone who is passionate about something they do - this is, perhaps, the greatest thing a person can do for their lover...

Conversely, I think it is just as important to ask myself daily if the things I do, the life I lead, could provide inspiration or foster admiration in someone else. 

The union of two should be to create something bigger than their combined result. 

Dating

Yeah, the 'D' word... I have always been so bad at it! And now that I'm single, I find myself trying to figure out how one is supposed to do it.

I started 'dating' when I was 15, but I kind of think that didn't really count; however, after I broke up with him, it only took about a month for me to meet my first real boyfriend, whom I was with for a bit over 2 years... After him, I was single for, perhaps, a couple of months before I met my next boyfriend - I think of him as my first life partner. We dated for a while, became 'boyfriends' and lived together for a couple of years... After splitting up, I was single for a couple of months as well, until I started having a long distance relationship with an American bear, who is now my roommate.

Wow, that sounds like some sort of crazy confession, huh? But rather, I see it as a way of setting the background for the topic at hand: I have never been good at dating.

When I go out with someone, I must admit I'm pretty practical. If I feel a connection and we hit it off, then I make time and try to find ways so we can see each other often and find out whether we can turn into something else; if not, well, let's just say I see no point in going forward. Or at least that's what I used to do.

As I dive back into the dating world I realise that, not only do I lack the experience most people seem to have, but apparently I have no natural instincts to show me how to behave. I find the whole process kind of pointless in a way. The idea that you should wait after the first date so as not to seem to eager; the fact that a guy will almost always be way more interested if he thinks you are not; the ambiguity of what each person wants when they meet, etc.

While I do find it kind of exciting and fun for a bit, I think it should be way more simple... Like, you meet and you put the cards on the table, that way nobody wastes anybody's time! 

Ok, fine, I have become kind of unromantic and, apparently, I don't have as much patience for these games as I used to. But I think it's as inconsistent as those people who have profiles on websites where you meet people and say things like "looking for friends and love" on their profile while having pictures of themselves completely naked and bending over; if you're looking for sex, just say it! I think it's silly that, in this day and age, people are still so concerned about being judged for who they are or what they do - mainly concerning their sex life.

So, I have commited to stay single through the end of the year. For the first time in my life, I think I am learning to really enjoy being by myself; focusing on myself, my friends, my job, my studies... I also want to learn all that so popular, and yet obscure to me, dating code. I want to learn when to call, when not to call, the things one is supposed to say and do in order to stay in the game... While I am in it. 

I still believe that it is a pointless game but I want to immerse myself in it for a while... When I tell this to my friends they roll their eyes and say that I'll probably have a new boyfriend by the end of the month... And they might be right! But at least for now, I am willing to take a different approach.

Hmmm... Today's post was a bit all over the place... I guess I just have a lot of ideas in my mind and can't seem to organise them!

So, what do you think about the whole dating game? Are you good at it? How did you learn? ... ... And most importantly... What have you learned?

Some things are best kept as memories - no use in trying to rewrite history.

Sitting on the stage of the bar (since there was no show going at the moment) my jaw dropped as I saw my ex-partner walk by through the sea of people...

Why was I so shocked? Well, this was my first serious boyfriend; we were together for about four and a half years (in total) and lived together for almost two... We had a great relationship and I have always remembered him as the man that made me feel loved and safe. He had this way of hugging me and saying "it'll be all right" that always made me believe it actually would.

So, I had thought of contacting him for the past three years, to see how he was - I guess, in a way, I wanted to salvage some of that relationship I remembered we had... I did text him a couple of times on his birthday and Christmas but, of course, I got no reply.

Anyway, tonight, as I walked towards him I realised that he looked quite different from what I remembered... And yet, he was the exact same person. When he looked at me, his eyes opened wide and he had this look as if he had seen a ghost or something... I said, "hey! how have you been?" and offered my hand as a greeting; he hardly moved, said "fine" and just stared at me. I got the message and walked away... I must say I was shocked and rather confused... I mean, it has been three years! A bit later he walked towards the exit and stood there - when I was on my way out, he gave me an angry look and turned his back to me. So much for the man I remembered!

However, I kind of understand. It can't have been easy for him (I know it wasn't for me); I just figured that what we had could probably evolve into something else. I must admit I still miss him from time to time... Or at least I did. I guess today I can finally move on, knowing that we will probably never talk again. 

A friend told me, not long ago, that we have 'memory so we can have flowers in winter'... And I guess that's the way it should be. The memories of what we had will forever stay in my mind, and some of them actually help me go on when I am in a pinch. 

I know every break up is different. Still, I can't stop thinking of that song "Rewriting History" everytime I think of him... Or rather, I couldn't - today I think that has finally become another chapter in my life.. A chapter that I will cherish as a memory and will not chase or try to bring back anymore.

What do you think? Is it easy for you to stay friends with someone you were romantically involved with?

Of love and like and lust...

Someone posted on Facebook the other day the following quote "The difference between lust, like and love is the same as that between 'for now', 'for a while' and 'forever'". While I think this is very romantic and awarded no less than an "awwwww" the moment I read it, I have my doubts as to whether one can put such feelings in a hierarchy as if one was a consequence of the other. 

I think of 'liking' someone as that feeling of attraction in which you want to know more about the other person, you are interested in learning the way they think, sharing the things they like and, generally, just being with that person; lust is when you find someone you have good 'chemistry' with and all you want is to get in that person's pants to enjoy the pleasures of the physical realm; and, finally, I believe that love is creation, when you want to be with someone in order to create something extraordinary - when you know you admire something in the other person and they see something worthy of being admired in you as well. I believe that love transcends the union of the two and becomes something bigger than both of them together - be it a child, a project or just the creation of a new life.

Some time ago, I remember reading an extract from Octavio Paz's "El laberinto de la soledad" ("The labyrinth of solitude) where he discussed this topic with some interesting insights. In the mexican culture (as, I think, in many others) the difference between 'love' and 'lust' is normally related to the dichotomy between seeing a woman as a prostitute or as a mother. Whilst the former can be seen as an object of pure sexual desire and someone with whom you can enjoy your deepest and darkest erotic fantasies (with no remorse or fear of judgment), the latter represents a completely opposite set of values and morals which get in the way of the previously listed ideas - mind you, I don't mean your 'own' mother, but once that person has your child, they immediately are recognized more as a mum than as a wife.

In other words, when you meet someone you feel attracted to, it is normal to have your libido at its peak, finding it easy to explore and enjoy each other's company and body. However, when the relationship takes a step forward and the individual's role evolves into a more 'nurturing' and 'caring' companion-type, it is hard for both concepts to co-exist. 

Of course, this is not always true, there are couples where their sex life evolves at the same pace as their companion-role and it becomes an experience of deep connection and intimacy... Though I find it hard to believe that most people are able to keep that flame of the unexpected curiosity alive. It is said that there comes a point where, either subconsciously or not, one starts to think of the spouse, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. as 'family'... And one doesn't fuck one's family, right? 

These are just some ideas I find quite interesting since they can be the root of a lot of relationships which feel like their interaction is changing and cannot seem to figure out how.

Labeling Love

Say you meet someone, you like him or her, you go out with them and, one day, they ask: "so, what are we?" 

Isn't that an odd question? The first thing that pops into my head is "umm... gay? men? human beings?"... Of course, this is nowhere near being the right answer.

I decided to blog about this topic not because I feel like I know the answer and the terms by which one decides to take whatever step; but rather because I have absolutely no idea!

I had my first real relationship at 18 with a guy who was about 12 years older than me. I say 'real' because I had dated someone before but I could hardly call that a relationship... I might blog about it at some point, though. Anyway, I remember what it was like, being 'in love' for the first time: I was so excited and anxious at the same time; I kept thinking "does he really like me? is this going anywhere? am I doing things the way it's supposed to be?". My own insecurity drove me to be very clingy and needy with this guy, calling him all the time, being too 'nice' and giving too much. Now, this guy didn't mind all the attention, in fact I believe he liked it; but he did not reciprocate at all... At the time I thought of this as 'lack of interest' (which only made me try harder); I mean, why wouldn't he call me too and tell me he loved me as much as I did? And why wouldn't he come pick me up and take me out to nice places like I did? 

That was quite a few years ago and now I see it in quite a different way. I 'invested' all that time, interest, effort and affection because I wanted to do it, and he was not, in any way, obliged to reciprocate in the same way. I am sure he did things to show me he loved me, but I was too busy worrying about what I wanted to see them. Something else that I failed to understand at the time was that he had no way of knowing what I was expecting since I didn't tell him! I still had that fairy-tale mind where the couple understands each other perfectly without words - which is nice in theory, but very rare in real life.

With my next boyfriend I had a similar situation, though I was a bit less demanding and a lot better at asking for the things I needed. However, there was a problem, since he was a lot older than me (22 years, I think) he was very hesitant to having a relationship with me. We went out for a while and a couple of months later I asked him if we were boyfriends or what... He got all nervous and said he didn't see why we needed to put a label on our relationship, he said he hadn't been going out that long and we were having a good time. I was vexed by this and could only stand it for so long. A month later, I think, he gave in a bit and decided we would say we were "almost-boyfriends". It wasn't long until he agreed to being 'boyfriends' and could be introduced as such; mind you, we had met each other's families in the first month and had been going to all the family events together. 

Thinking back, this whole thing makes me laugh and kind of nostalgic at the feelings I had at the time. That rush of adrenaline at not knowing what would happen and the naïve idea that I could, somehow, hurry things along in order to have a 'long-lasting' relationship. 

Still, don't get me wrong, I do believe that language seriously affects the way we behave and relate to other people; I think that two people who have a commitment can easily call each other 'boyfriends' or 'partners' in order to recognize it in front of other people AND with each other. But the point I'm trying to make is that, while both things kind of go together, they aren't necessarily a consequence of each other. 

I think that when two people meet and decide to get to know each other better, things have to flow along naturally. Labeling a relationship will not necessarily help the commitment grow stronger or stay steady; I think that as the two people grow to love each other these things are really implied and just happen. One day you wake up and realize that what you have is beyond just going out, it is more than just being friends or screwing around. And the commitment is just there. I believe it is very important to let the other person know where you are so they know where they are standing and, at the same time, so you can know what to expect.

Today, while I still consider the 'name' of the relationship to be an important issue, I know it's something that just comes along with time. 

What do you think? When do you know your relationship has reached 'another level'?

New love can never be as good as the one to come afterwards...

"The sudden abundance and apparent availability of love experiences (...) can make one believe that the ability to love grows with the accumulated experience and that the next 'love' will be and even more stimulating experience than the current one - though not as exciting and fascinating as the one to come after the next one"... Or so Mr. Zygmunt Bauman says in his book 'Liquid Love'.

This book was given to me by a dear friend since he knows that, as a psychologist, I'm very interested in the way relationships develop and evolve through time, as well as in the different ways society is changing. Little did I know, this book would have so many interesting ideas and such a deep insight into the way marketing and the media have transformed the idea of 'love'.

So, reflecting a bit on the quote I roughly translated above, I was thinking about how, in a way, the real thing can never beat the fantasy of what could be... And in our society of disposable everything, it's quite easy to get caught in that idea... This takes me back to the first time I fell in love with someone who felt the same way for me. It was that magical, Disney-movie-love, that makes everything seem right even though it may not be. He was like 21 years older than me or something like that and very reluctant to have a relationship with someone so young. At the time, I thought him mad for allowing such a petty detail get in the way of us being together. I didn't understand his point of view at all and did everything I could to prove him wrong - granted, I have been around people who are older than me all my life so it wasn't that difficult. Thus, being an economically-independent 19-year-old student, I found my way into his heart little by little. We were together for about four and a half years and lived together about 18 months. We had a great relationship and we complemented each other quite well; of course, we had our differences but what couple doesn't? Sometimes I think back and recall how, when I felt lost and frustrated, he had a way of hugging me and saying "everything will be okay" that really convinced me it was so.

So, what went wrong, you ask? Ah, it's quite simple. I was young and stupid. Hehehehe...

Towards the end of the relationship I started feeling the age-difference (or so I believed) issues... I began feeling like I wanted to go out and meet people, dance, go out for the weekend to some place just to be out of the city... Be spontaneous. He didn't want this. I felt like that Abba song 'One of us': "I saw myself as a concealed attraction, I felt you kept me away from the heat and the action".

I started thinking about the possibilities a new relationship could bring. Someone I could love and who would love me back, besides being compatible with me in these ways. 

Now, after reading this book, and in my current situation I understand this idea of love being similar to technology... In our current fast-moving world, we are immersed in a society in which everything is disposable and the idea of a long-lasting product was lost years ago, since the 'new and updated version' will be available in a short time. What I mean is, today I realize that I couldn't see how much that relationship gave me because of the expectations of what 'could be'.

The romantics and others who share their ideas will probably be appalled by my crude and 'cold-hearted' similes, but this is just my perception, not the gospel truth... 

This also goes along with something else Bauman says which is that, lately, the notion of  "till death do us part" has become old-fashioned... And this has had important implications on 'love'; it has made the requirements for an experience to be defined as 'love', much simpler... It also means that it's not that more people qualify to be 'good potential partners' but rather that we have lowered the standards for them to be just that - I mean, since one no longer thinks about a life-long partner, then it doesn't matter if he or she is not perfect, right? Also, it means that, if this one doesn't work, it's not like I need to get married right away, those standards have also changed and I can just date whoever I want for as long as it's convenient. This is, of course, a double-edged sword because, while it gives you more freedom, it also makes it harder to appreciate the one thing you do have.

I think this is all, in a way, sad. I remember the days when I fell in love thinking "this is the one I will be with for life" and believed it was the only way it could be. Today I wonder if that is still a feasible idea in a world like ours. 

Today I can see that I have been caught in this 'modern' lifestyle in which it's too easy to get what you think you want, despite sacrificing what you need.

Any thoughts on this? Do you think we have lowered our standards about what we call 'love'?

Back to mono... gamy... Is it possible?

Ok, so I've never really been in an open relationship, much less a polyamorous one - in fact, I think I might be too jealous to do it; however, with my ex we had an arrangement where we would admit a third as long as it was the two of us together.

Still, after we broke up, I dated some people casually and enjoyed the pleasures of being able to do whatever I wanted - this led me to the idea that, perhaps, I was ready to try a more modern kind of lifestyle. Would it be possible for me to actually separate the sexual and affective components of relationships?

Well, I still don't know the answer to that question. Nevertheless, recently I was presented with a situation which would mean going back to being completely monogamous... So... Ouch...

I mean, taking the step from being faithful to one person to fooling around with other people is not that hard... But going back?

As I was pondering this question, I, of course, started listing the pros and cons of the situation. On the one hand, I believe it really promotes a deeper connection between the two people, there is more of a romantic, idealistic tint to the relationship and it is way safer. On the other hand, you only have sex with one person... Now, don't get me wrong, I think that growing to love someone and enjoying intimacy with them is an experience that (takes time, obviously and) can't be beaten; but I also think it's true that we humans are not built to be monogamous. In the days when sex was all about reproduction and making little heirs, of course it was vital to make sure the baby was your own, and yet I think that there is way more to it.

Another factor that I think is very important to consider is questioning this custom; asking yourself if you want to be monogamous because YOU really want it or if it is because that is the way you were brought up.

Personally, I went through this process and discovered that, while it is mostly because that's what my parents (and the media) taught me, I still think there is some value to that commitment.

I am, evidently, still considering the option... In fact I am reading a book on modern relationships which I really want to talk about here... I hope I get a chance to do it soon.

So, what do you think? Can one be monogamous after trying the alternatives?

Pride 2011 (Night) - or bears don't dance.

And I'm back! Again, thanks to all of you who have been checking my blog out despite the lack of updates!

So, the night of pride (yeah, like a month ago or something like that) we went to this 'bear event' organised by bearmex - which is practically the only option for people who want to be in a bear-like environment.

It was in a very popular club called 'Living' which normally has a very different scene - snobbish. The place itself was actually pretty good; rather big and with really cool music. 

As the night went by, more and more bears showed up until it got quite packed (as you can see in the pic)!! I like these parties because I get to see people from out of town, including guys from other countries. The environment is also nicer because, normally, the bears who go to the bars are like striking a pose, but in these events, they seem to relax and let themselves be.

The Mr.Bearmex contest was really interesting, with some singing, some dancing, some stripping, some odd poetry-like shows and Adam Champ (woof!)...

But just before all that madness started, I was looking at the dance floor from the 2nd floor and I saw a bear getting on a platform-like thing and start dancing. Everybody went crazy for a bit, cheering him on; however, that's when I realised that, before, no one had been dancing or even moving to the music - everyone had been just standing there chatting with people (if they were in a group) or just looking around. 

Now, a couple of months ago I, reluctantly, went to a straight bar to celebrate one of my students' birthday and noticed something similar. I remember how nobody at the place was dancing except for us (the gays); they were all just standing there, looking pretty... Or something like that. That day, I complained about the place because I said I was used to going out to have fun and not just sit around doing nothing.

I guess it doesn't just happen there. Still, I do wonder why it was like that. I mean, I have seen bears at regular bars or clubs and they dance quite a bit! But, for some reason, when they are at the bear-oriented events, everyone is like trying to be cool and not move much... 

Still, it was a fun night. 

How do bears celebrate Pride where you live??

Pride 2011 (Daytime)

Lots of people, lots of music, lots of gay... And lots of bears! I always say, the best thing about Pride is that we have a lot of amazingly hot bears coming from other parts of Mexico and quite a few foreigners!

... I know, I know, that's not the point of Pride. Still, I think some people focus a bit too much on the idea that it's losing its political objectives; actually, I think that the main idea stays the same, even if (and I agree with this) the way it's presented is getting a bit too crude. 

In fact, I went to a family thing on Saturday after Pride and, when mentioning that I was leaving early since we were meeting some friends to go to a club, one of my cousins made a few comments that kind of threw me off balance.. Evidently, she thinks that the second I meet up with my friends we all call and refer to each other as "girl".  This came as a shock because I have never done that... And I don't mean that as passing judgment on those who do, I'm just saying that it's a common mistake when generalising what gay men do.

This is where I think Pride can make a difference, there are soooooo many kinds of people that it really shows the diversity of our community. 

Unfortunately, I had to work most of the day and I got there quite late... I only stayed for an hour or so before it started raining so I don't have many pictures or much to say about it. 

But at night... Well... I saw some pretty interesting things that night which I will talk about on my next post... 

Till then, what do you think about the Pride Parade? Is it losing its political objectives and positions? Has it become just a carnival for the gays to go out and party? And, does it matter?

The day I really stopped playing 'straight' - Part 2

I know, it took forever! But here's the second part of the story...

So, the music was playing, people were dancing the night away and I was pondering what to do next... When my cousin came back to the table I asked her to dance with me and my companion to dance with my mother; as we were dancing, both my mother and cousin asked me why I wasn't dancing with my 'date'. "Because it's not MY WEDDING!" I snapped back at them... They looked at each other, puzzled, and answered "so?". Then my cousin had an idea, she said "I'll just ask the people at our table to get up and dance and we'll make a circle, will that make you less nervous?" I said yes and she proceeded to carry out the plan.

It was fun and interesting, the DJ was playing nice upbeat music and we were having a great time; we were soon joined by the newlyweds and some other family members... A few songs later, the group got sort of separated, my companion and I were left dancing next to each other (technically not with each other) close to the center of the dance floor when it happened. The DJ decided to switch from dancey-club music to salsa - which set me in a  decisive moment: go back to the table or take a chance and dance with him. 

We both stopped on our tracks and looked at each other with a what-do-we-do look; for a second I felt terrified, with an urge to run away... But I realised it was an excellent opportunity. So, I gave him my hand (remember I can't lead) and he looked at me, baffled, and asked "are you sure??", I shrugged and smiled - so, we started dancing.

I must say, I'm not a great dancer myself, so it added to the awkardness of the situation. As we danced, I looked around a bit and did notice some people staring - so I decided to stop worrying and just enjoy the night. 

It was a great feeling... A feeling of achievement... Here I was, making a statement: "This is me". Somebody told me once that it's easier when people know that you're gay since that way you know who's on your side and who isn't. It couldn't have been more true. I expected my uncle (the one who got married) to say something or give me a hard time about it... But he didn't. In fact, he even asked me to sing them a song as a wedding present - which made me feel he was completely comfortable with the whole situation. Another uncle, who I hadn't told since he's kind of cheuvanistic, came up to me before he left to say goodbye, hugged me unusually tight and said to my cub companion: "it was nice meeting you, hope to see you again soon" and hugged him - I was completely in awe. 

Of course, there were others who hardly even looked at me the rest of the night but, to be honest, it didn't bother me. I was so happy to see that those I actually care about were so accepting.

The rest of the evening went by quite smoothly. At the table I felt free to hug the cub I was with and just be myself. 

At the end of the night, the cousin who convinced and helped me to take the leap of dancing with a man in a non-gay setting asked me how I felt, when I said I was actually quite happy she said "See? It's just your paranoia, nothing happened!" I hugged her and thanked her for her help... But she was wrong... Something did happen. Somehow, doing that helped me not only feel more comfortable with who I am, but also realise how important it is to take a stand. I wouldn't say I am a stereotypical gay man so I believe this helps break some misconceptions people have about gay people... I mean, the guy I was dancing with is unusually tall and has a full beard - I know most of the people in that hall thought gay men were all queeny and feminine.

This was hard and it took time for me to have the courage to do it, but I believe that if more people dare to be themselves no matter where they are, it will make it easier for those who come after us...