How long should you wait?

It's funny how often it happens that a book comes into my life bearing a message that applies to my life so accurately, it's scary. 

A couple of days ago, I started reading 'Giovanni's Room' by James Baldwin. I must confess that, so far, I find it to be a very depressing story - at least potentially. However, there's a beautiful romantic side to it that I can't help but adore; it's always nice, inspiring even, to read about two people falling in love and how nothing else matters to them... For a while at least.

There is a part, though, that had me reflecting for quite a while.

Giovanni: "Tell me, what is this about time? Why is it better to be late than early? People are always saying we must wait, we must wait. What are they waiting for?"

David: "Well, I guess people wait in order to make sure of what they feel."

Giovanni: "And when you have waited - has it made you sure?"

Giovanni's Room - James Baldwin

It had me thinking about how this illusion is so deeply embedded in most of our cultures - the idea that one should not be impulsive, but rather wait as long as possible to ensure that the desired outcome will turn out as expected... But, isn't this silly? I think that, when you want to do something and get that feeling deep in your gut, that itch to start moving, time will hardly make it any 'easier' to go through with it.

Perhaps the main issue is that most people believe that, by obtaining more information before taking action, it is easier to make the right choice... And I do not disagree on this point.

Except when it is about human relationships and matters of the heart. I heard somewhere that 'the brightest light will always cast the darkest shadows'; wouldn't this mean that a feeling that can change your life as much as love does, will also come with ghosts and other mischievous feelings attached? Obviously the possibility of getting all you have ever wanted cannot be separated from the fear of losing it as well...

So, how long should one wait? I think that, when two people meet, it takes only a few minutes to know where the relationship can go. Let's say, on a date, it takes very little time to know if the person in front of you can, potentially, stir your soul. 

When you feel you love someone, how long do you wait to say it? How do you 'make sure' you really love someone? It's funny to me how people can throw words around like 'hate', 'stupid', 'idiot', etc. as if they were nothing, but find it extremely difficult to say the 'L' word...

Waiting, in my opinion, is overrated. Perhaps we should be more focused on living?

Commitment : What makes a long distance relationship work.

Why would you want to stay with one person when there are so many other choices? Why stay with someone despite all the trouble it causes and the effort it takes to make a relationship work?

I found a very interesting article that addresses these questions (and many others that most of us have) with a very simple concept: commitment.

The main statement of the article drew my attention instantly: "A study has suggested that Long Distance Relationships (LDR) are more stable than Geographically Close Relationships (GCR)."

Wouldn't it be the other way around? I mean, surely being close to someone makes the relationship grow stronger and makes it easier to stay together; and I'd think it quite obvious that those who spend lots of time separated tend to slowly grow apart. However, this study attests that the factors that we assume could break such a relationship aren't really intensified by the physical closeness or lack of it.

Commitment, they say, is influenced by three factors: a) satisfaction or happiness with the relationship; b) perceived alternatives (such as other attractive partners); and c) investments that would be lost if the relationship ended.

According to this research, there's not much difference between satisfaction in LDR's and GCR's, which is the main predictor of whether these relationships will last or not.

Now, the second predictor, alternatives or other possible partners, is one that drives someone like me completely crazy. I mean, why would two people choose to be in a relationship in which they can't see each other if they have plenty of other choices right around the corner, right? Well, according to this study, this isn't that much of an issue either. Evidently, people who go for LDR are normally those who have a hight work intensity and idealization; they tend to segment their life into work and relationships. This means that people in LDR's normally focus a lot of their time apart on their work. Oddly enough, high alternatives do predict lower commitment when talking about GCR's.

This actually makes sense. People who are actually happy with the relationship they have will hardly put some time aside to look for other alternatives. Also, focusing on their work keeps them occupied and allows for more experiences the couple can share when together; isn't it awful when you spend all day, every day with someone and, come nighttime, you have nothing to say to each other?

The third predictor, investments that would be lost, is a little colder but also easier to understand. People in LDR's invest money in communication and commuting (at least), all which would be lost if they broke up. Also, when both people are striving towards being together after whatever period of time, this is seen as an investment for the future... Which makes the relationship grow even stronger. Something that, by the way, is not as easy in GCR's, since most investments are limited to shared possessions (which they can just fight over in the end).

So far, the article seems to be quite cheery about LDR's and even appears to suggest they aren't that hard. However, there is one point yet to be discussed:

"Attachment and caregiving cognition, motivation, and behavior are aspects of evolutionary-based behavioral systems that produce strong emotion (Bowlby, 1988). In important romantic relationships, partners have attachment and caregiving bonds with each other. Theoretically (Bowlby, 1969), LDR separations activate the attachment system and lead to separation protest, even when separation is a choice. The protest is attachment behavior, action designed to gain or maintain a comfortable range of proximity to the partner. Protest is evident in LDR interviewee comments (e.g., "I grieve every Monday"; Magnuson & Norem, 1999, p. 131) and reports of loneliness, sadness, missing the partner, and dreading  separation (Guldner, 1996)."

Ouch, right? So, how does one deactivate this natural reflex? This 'separation protest'? Well, here's where it gets interesting.

In GCR's, the satisfaction of each other's attachment and caregiving needs depends exclusively on their ability to do so; conversely, in LDR's this means little, since neither can do much while being apart. No matter how 'functional' their relationship may be, the apart-together cycles  they go through naturally inflict stress in the relationship.The article here relies on a theory of separation anxiety which I am not going to describe in much detail here; I will only say that most people deal with separation either by being anxious to be with the other person (and thus needing the closeness) or by avoiding contact so as to minimize the effects of said separation.

Happily, the authors of the article has some suggestions for both:

For the first kind of people, research indicates, there are many ways to reduce this anxiety as long as they can perceive the partner as available. This can be done by having pictures of the partner or frequent e-mails or phone calls.

The second group has it a little easier, since avoidant attachment makes distance work as a motivating factor for commitment. Still, this isn't always a good thing. Since this kind of partner doesn't feel as much anxiety from the separation right away, they might feel their commitment is weakening... But with time they realize it is not so.

The one thing that is definitely compromised in LDR's is caregiving. The couple may feel disappointed that they can't be there for the other person and thus 'fail' in being a safe 'haven' for them. Still, this is normally compensated through finding ways to actively demonstrate their love for the other person and substituting physical caregiving with verbal communication. Actually, this also makes for the development of better communication with each other.

In the end, the research goes on to show that what most people believe makes LDR's break up (anxiety, avoidance, fear of losing the other person, etc.) is significant only when ignoring the three factors which influence commitment. In other words, commitment in GCR's and LDR's is quite similar, except the former rely more on satisfaction and the latter on the investments made in the relationship; this since LDR partners are more likely to rule out any other alternatives before beginning said relationship. 

Once I read that "some men seem larger at a distance"; I found it funny that, in this research, people in GCR's are more likely to compare their partner's flaws with other possible alternatives, while people in LDR's tend to be in their best behaviour and appearence in the little time they see each other and, thus, increasing the satisfaction factor. Still, this also means that they see each other in situations of high anxiety and stress due to separation, which keep them from idealizing each other.

The injured lover's hell, the green eyed monster...

"Born in love but propelled by rage, jealousy is a complex relational experience. It is a

visceral fear of loss, a set of paradoxical feelings and thoughts, an action and a reaction. Milton referred to it as the ‘‘injured lover’s hell,’’ Shakespeare, as the ‘‘green eyed monster’’ that destroys love and annihilates the beloved person. The 19th century Brazilian writer Machado de Assis described it as a ‘‘doubt,’’ a twilight between fantasy and reality, that drives a person into madness"

So, while going through some articles online I came across this one, and I found the definition breathtaking... Not only is it so poetic it makes it sound beautiful in an odd way, but I believe it defines that feeling so accurately I could never match it.

At one point, before I started this new relationship I'm in, I thought I had overcome that feeling and was rid of it for good - I couldn't have been more wrong... And yet, who's to say that some jealousy isn't healthy? Looking back I have come to realize I have only stopped feeling jealous altogether when I am not afraid I will lose the person I love - this can either mean that I don't really care or that I'm being arrogant.

At one point I was in a relationship with someone who I was pretty sure wouldn't leave me, no matter what I did. My indifference towards his absence was proportional to the intensity of the happiness that relationship brought me - in simpler words, I didn't care much if he left because he wasn't bringing much into my life anyway. 

Now, how do people normally react when they're jealous? Well, the article I'm quoting goes on:

The experience of jealousy tends

to arise without warning at a particular moment when one partner behaves in a way

that stirs up a fear of betrayal in the other. To manage the anxieties engendered, the

jealous partner may become sullen, inquisitive, or aggressive.

Ok, so I'm interested in the partner "stirring up" a fear of betrayal... This, of course, does not mean that they actually betrayed anyone, they just disturbed a sleeping monster that was already there! Like the author says "Some of the vulnerabilities that typically underlie jealousy are: a need to be recognized as the most special person in the life of the partner, fears of abandonment and betrayal, and feelings of inadequacy in which the person feels unattractive or unworthy". Are you relating to any of this yet?

The experience of the jealous person resembles a trance-like state characterized by

intrusive fantasies and fears, compulsiveness, and irrational associations.

I love that, a "trance-like" state. Have you ever found yourself going on a jealous rant while inside your head you're like "but this is stupid, I'm being silly"... And yet, there's no way to stop it once it gets going...

The French

philosopher Roland Barthes speaks of the contradictions involved: ‘‘As a jealous man,

I suffer four times over: because I am jealous, because I blame myself for being so,

because I fear that my jealousy will wound the other, because I allow myself to be

subject to a banality: I suffer from being excluded, from being aggressive, from being

crazy, and from being common’’

And one ends up having an internal battle on top of the one going on with their partner, stuck in an ambivalence that seems to eat him up.

The article goes on, explaining how this can be treated... But it doesn't mean that everyone's going to pull an Othelo on their partner just because they have wandering eyes!

I prefer to put a more positive spin on this. When jealousy is controlled (not violent or obsessive), it can show the person they are loved and cherished - I'm sure we all like to feel like someone appreciates us enough to not want to lose us. Of course, if this turns into incessant questioning, passive-aggressive behavior and meaningless fights, it stops being good for the relationship.

So, yeah, jealousy is irrational, it can turn love into rage in seconds and is more related to what one has going on in his own head than what is really happening. But most of us can't make it go away entirely, the best we can hope for is to learn to manage it, identify its absurdity and work through it with our partner... Because, in the end, it is just love expressed in a not-so-functional way and it needs only be set back on track.

SCHEINKMAN, M. (2010). Disarming Jealousy in Couples Relationships: A Multidimensional Approach SCHEINKMAN & WERNECK. Family Process, 49(4), 486-502.

Letting go versus bear-hugging someone to death

Lately I've understood this saying, perhaps truly for the first time. If you love someone, let them go... Well, you know the rest.

I've been reflecting on the idea of 'holding on to someone'... When I try to picture it, it's like that person is trying to run away and you're stopping them, grabbing on to them for dear life, because it feels like letting go would mean not seeing them again. But, how much satisfaction can one possibly get from achieving 'love' like that? Forcing someone to stay despite what they may want? Also, when you hold someone too tight, you mostly end up suffocating them.

I am the kind of person who (and perhaps this is a cultural thing, but I'll get to that on some other post), when I start dating someone, I spend as much time as I can with that person. And only in the past few years did I learn that when someone says 'I need some space' it doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to be with me or they want to go hunting for someone else...

I have especially grasped the concept that, when you love someone, if you let them go they won't necessarily run away; I mean, why would they? Someone who loves you is with you because they want to be with you, not because you're holding on to them.

In short, now I think that if you love someone, you should let them go (even if just as an experiment)... They will probably stay in the same place they were, close to you, showing you that they have more than one reason to be there... And if they do run away, you're better off - there's no point in trying to force someone to stay since, eventually, they will find a way to escape anyway.

Muegano - Bearing the distance.

So, this is a typical Mexican candy (muégano). It's little flour squares dipped in caramel and stuck together. It is also what a typical Mexican family looks like; so much, in fact, that we would call them a "Muégano family". This means that it is a family whose members are ALWAYS together and do EVERYTHING together... Of course, this also applies to friends... And couples.

Trying to read more books related to my real profession (Psychology) I happened to come across Bowlby's theory of  "Optimum Distance" - and while this may not have been a new concept for me, I saw it in a new way.

So, this theory explains that a child will always venture to walk some distance away from his or her mother up to a point. Children experiment to see how far they can go without feeling separation anxiety and, when reaching that limit, they go back to their mother to get their sense of security back (kind of like recharging it) before giving it another go. "Optimum Distance" refers to how far a child can go from their mother without feeling said anxiety. This happens as long as the child can be sure that the mother will always return (or will be easily found) after being apart from a certain amount of time. This allows the child to develop a basic security that, despite not being there, the mother will not disappear and will return when needed.

While I do not really believe in determinism in terms of how one cannot escape the consequences of our childhood, I think this can be applied quite easily to how we relate to a romantic interest...

Some couples develop a specific dependence on each other because they are afraid that distance will mean that the other person will disappear... Or at least whatever feelings they have might.

This may sound insane but it really isn't. It depends on how much they can trust that the other person will be there when they come back. Someone who is always threatening with "if you do that again, I will leave you", or disappears without warning at random intervals, fosters an insecurity in the other person that they might go away at any time. The frequency of the meetings is not what is important, but rather the security that they will meet again and all the things they share will be there when they do.

I have found that, in Mexico, it is very common for this 'Optimum Distance' to be very short... And, considering how most people grow in a household where all members of the family seem to be stuck together by some apparently sweet but incarcerating caramel layer, it really isn't much of a wonder.

As much as you love someone, you cannot (and should not) be together 24/7, we all need our space and, without such, there wouldn't be much to share with your partner either. It's all about being able to trust that the other person will be there and learning to negotiate that Optimum Distance at which both can feel free to continue with their lives without feeling like the other person is so far that they cannot see them anymore.

It is awesome when you get to a point in a relationship when either can ask for some space without feeling guilty or anxious... It gives the couple a sense of freedom and independence which, far from creating a gap between them, strengthens their bond since their relationship does not depend only on being together, but on something beyond that. Being able to have their separate lives and share them to create something new.

The gap between 'Te amo' and I love you.

For a while I have been thinking about how language plays such an important role in the way people interact. Even among those who speak the same language, some concepts might be understood so differently that it could cause misunderstandings and chaos - so, of course, when two cultures clash it can get a bit complicated.

Specifically, I am interested in how Spanish and English speakers express their affection for each other, the words we use and what they mean.

Here's a scenario I consider rather typical: Two people meet, they talk for a while and one says to the other "I like you". They date for a while, feelings start to get stronger and they feel comfortable saying... What? 'I love you'?

In Spanish we have two different ways of saying 'I love you': "Te quiero" and "Te amo". And this is a BIG difference and kind of a relief since there is something between 'like' and 'love'. For us, 'Te amo', which many might consider closer to 'I love you', means a deep love for someone; something serious and strong. However, "Te quiero" is more like saying 'I want you'... It is still affection but on a different level.

The way I see it is like this, you say "me gustas" when you want to get to know someone; "te quiero" when you feel you want to be closer to that person, you 'want' them by your side, to be yours... I think love transcends that, it is a desire to see the other person happy, to share experiences and be more than what two people are when they're on their own. I don't think 'love' can hurt... Even when two people are apart, love can remain. I think it hurts when you 'want' the other person by your side, when you want them to be yours... Also, if someone said "Te amo" to me after only a few dates, I'd totally run away... LOL

Somehow, I think this can be a problem when two people with different native languages start a relationship. Especially if neither is aware of this cultural difference. Saying 'Te amo' in Spanish, at least for me, requires a lot of time of knowing the other person... And yet, I think I have come to understand 'I love you', in English, more as a 'Te quiero'... I think that, as a native speaker of Spanish, there is no way to express those feelings of love in any other way than saying: Te amo.

The flavor of life (complement)

As a complement to my post earlier, here's a song by my idol... And the lyrics... It was just so perfect for this moment... Hope you enjoy it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ta0vEnki9E
Utada Hikaru
The Flavor of life

Lyrics
(from http://www.kiwi-musume.com/lyrics/hikki/heartstation/flavouroflife.html)
Whenever you tell me thank you 
It's somehow bittersweet 
The spell doesn't break after you say goodbye 
Faintly bitter 
The flavor of life 

We're in the middle, neither friends nor lovers 
Green fruit dreaming of the harvest 

We can't take that one last step 
So it's so irritating or something, baby 

Whenever you tell me thank you 
It's somehow bittersweet 
The spell doesn't break after goodbye 
Faintly bitter 
The flavor of life 

Sweet words of seduction 
Flavorless talk 
That doesn't pique my interest 

Even when things don't go your way 
Life's not a total wash 

"What's up?" you suddenly ask 
No, it's nothing 
My smile disappears after you say goodbye 
It's not like me 

The more I want to believe 
It's somehow bittersweet 
Don't you think "I really like you" 
Suits you better than "I love you"? 
The flavor of life 

I suddenly remember 
The scent of a person I'd almost forgotten 
I want to be able to just sit back and enjoy 
The white snow fall 

I want a warm future 
Softer than a diamond 
I want to spend this limited time we have with you 

Whenever you tell me thank you 
It's somehow bittersweet 
The spell doesn't break after you say goodbye 
Faintly bitter 
The flavor of life 

The flavor of life

Standing at the end of a story that ended too soon - or rather, just when it was meant to.

In the past month I loved, lived, cried, sang, hugged, kissed.. With a passion I hadn't in years. A love meant to end, a relationship that was not to be, and yet it was.

During this time, I also came across many people who did not understand why I would put my heart in a seemingly "pointless relationship" (sic). These people told me that they did not believe in 'Disney' love; love, they said, is a companionship, a relationship through which two people share a common project. And I agree completely.

However, isn't that also a friendship? Or just a partnership? I believe love is made of all these things as well... But, like the Gestalt theory suggests, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Then again, I've heard people say that such feelings (which develop so quickly) can't be 'real love'... That makes me wonder, 'what is REAL love?' Why can't we let ourselves be reckless for a while, allowing a feeling to take us over and show us a whole new world?

I live by the idea that everything in this world has a price, and we need to pay exactly that - no more and no less. I know so many people who say they want to find someone to love and who will love them back, and yet they are not willing to pay the price! I think that the cost of such a relationship is, mainly, getting out of your comfort zone and betting your heart. Actually, once I heard someone say that "to receive a certain amount of happiness, you have to pay with an equal amount of unhappiness" - and while it might sound a bit extreme, I'd say it makes a lot of sense. A connection with someone that makes you smile like never before can, by definition, access that part of you which can make you cry like never before.

And isn't it worth it?

Quoting Rose (from Gypsy) "Some people can get a thrill, knitting sweaters and sitting still; that's peachy for some people who don't know they're alive! But I at least gotta try!".

Love is meant to be felt, not understood. Someone who brings you a feeling of completeness, who makes you smile just by thinking about them, whose goodbye feels like a part of you is being torn... Someone like that... Why let them just pass you by?

Someone asked me some time ago how it was that I had long term relationships and always managed to find someone who wanted that. I think it's because I take the risk; I've seen what loving someone is like.. I've felt what it's like to be loved. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing (and certainly not fear), that could keep me from trying to get that again. It's too precious a feeling to undermine just because it 'might not last'. If the person goes away, if it doesn't work, I'll still have those fond memories with me for as long as I live... And, if you're the kind of person who believes in the afterlife, maybe even after I die.

So, why did I say it was too soon? Because I wish it had lasted forever. Why did I then correct myself and say it was when it was how it was meant to be? Well, what I want is not always what I need, right? The timing was right for the time we had. And, if it really is meant to be, well... The world is not that big anymore... And time goes by quite quickly... Things can happen... And things can change... At their own pace.

This relationship gave me more than I could have asked for and helped me realize that, yes, I can still fall in love. I have no regrets.

Gay Acapulco

Or perhaps not so much... 

In the Summer of 2013, I went to Acapulco with someone and we stayed at a gay resort called Casa Condesa. It was nice enough, even if a little too gay (the sight of a naked guy sprawled next to the pool as you go in kind of caught me off guard). Still, that was not the thing that I found the most disturbing, or the fact that the receptionist guy kept hinting at it 'being okay for us to bring other people into the room', but that we were advised to go to a specific place when going to the beach so we would have 'no problems'.

As it turns out, or at least according to what the people at this resort said, gay men holding hands, kissing or showing 'gay' affection (lol) are arrested and taken away - I doubt it gets serious at all, the 'police' are most likely just looking for some extra cash.

So we went to this place on the coast called "Beto's" and we were told to look for a specific waiter... It felt like we were doing work for the mafia or something! It was a nice enough place, there was a big, tacky family there (which was rather annoying) but eventually we were surrounded by gay people, which made me feel safer.

It's odd how one gets so used to being free and loses sight of how other parts of the world -hell, my own country!- work. Here in Mexico City I am very open about my being gay... I actually don't even think about it anymore. I hold hands with my lover, kiss and hold them as much as I want (of course, within the level of reason and decency); sure, some people stare but I have learned to ignore them.

In the end, in Acapulco, I was a bit careful and decided to play by the rules... While I would normally not let people tell me where I can or cannot show affection to the person I'm with, there was another factor to consider: the insecurity.

Many people think that Mexico City is dangerous and you can get killed, kidnapped or whatever in every corner. This is NOT true. And when I was told that Acapulco was also a dangerous city I took it with a grain of salt... Until Sunday.

So, we took the (uncannily slow) bus to the terminal to get our tickets to come back to the city. As we were going along the coast, we saw a LOT of people standing outside a mall, along with some police cars and many officers. The driver's companion (sometimes random guys hang out with the drivers... It's all very weird) got off to check out what was happening, when he got back on he said "oh, it's just a bomb, but it didn't go off" and they just kept going along as if it were the most common thing in the world. 

I was, of course, shocked. On our way back, we took a taxi and I asked him if he knew what had happened. He said it could've been that they were shooting a soap or something, or perhaps a bomb, which was unlikely since he didn't hear an explosion or anything.

The way this people seemed so use to such an event left me baffled. And it also made me think twice about finding out whether they really were as closed to sexual diversity as they said.

The L word... Not lesbian-related, by the way!

No, it's not Lesbian... I've never even seen that show! I just found it an appropriate title for this entry.

Once, after saying "I'm in love!" someone said to me "well, you fall in love every 15 minutes"... At first, I was offended and it even got me thinking whether it was true, but not long after I realized some things: firstly, I do not fall in love every 15 minutes, however I am very intense when I like someone; secondly, what if I did?

I have met so many people who live in panic of saying or hearing the 'l' word. Why is it so hard for people to say that word? Some responses are "because it's not REAL love" or "you don't really mean it"... And while I agree that someone who says they love you and want to move in with you on the second date should be sent to therapy, I think that keeping yourself from telling someone how you feel because of how they MIGHT react is also mental.

About 6 years ago, while dating the guy with whom I've had my longest relationship, I came to the conclusion that my feelings themselves were what mattered... We went to a restaurant and I told him "I need to tell you something... And, don't worry, I don't need you to say it back, I know you don't feel it yet; I have waited until being at the point where I don't need you to say it for me to feel fine" and then I told him I loved him. He cried and said he was very happy to hear it and he didn't love me back... Yet... A couple of months later he said it and we were together for 4 and a half years.

There are many reasons for people to say 'I love you', like getting laid, getting someone to do something they're not too enthusiastic about, to hear it back, to feel needed, etc. But I think that when you say it just because you feel it, with no other objective but to let the other person know, then there's no way you can lose...

So, my advice? If you feel something for someone... TELL THEM SO! Don't be afraid to say 'I love you'! So what if you say it to many people? It just means you have a great capacity to love! And let people criticize you, it's just a reminder that they can't feel what you do... 

We should be less worried about loving people forever and more concerned with loving people NOW! If you wait too long, it might be too late.