Engagement

I've always been a hopeless romantic... And, yes, ever since I can remember I have dreamt about getting engaged and married. I remember fantasizing about a huge wedding with lots of guests, a spectacular event which would include me singing (of course), all my family, friends and basically everybody I have ever met; it'd take place in an incredible party hall or in a beautiful garden... etc. etc. The funny thing though, is that I never actually thought about who I'd be getting married to... Or what it meant... Or why'd I'd do it. In fact, I think this was the least of my worries. 

I spent many years wondering whether I'd propose to someone or if I'd wait for someone to propose to me... If a gay couple is supposed to follow the straight protocol of making it a surprise or if both talked about it and exchanged rings instead. This brought me to the conflict of "should I plan a big romantic event to propose? I'd love to do it! Yes, I will! But wait, I want to be proposed to as well! Grrr!!".

...And, again, I never thought of the person I'd be proposing to or why.

The answer, however, came to me last Saturday. And it was much simpler than I ever imagined. I had it backwards all along. And for a good reason too, I think.

So, my partner and I were at my cousin's wedding last Saturday. It was amazing and extra special since my family was so welcoming towards him. They interacted with us and were very happy for us being together. We drank, danced and did everything one normally does at a wedding (that goes well)...

When the evening came, my partner asked me to walk with him a little to get some air - my usual paranoid reaction being "why? is there something wrong?". Anyway, he led me away from the dance floor and all the people, to this little love seat set next to a pond. The day had finally cooled down and there was a general feeling of merriment in the air - perfect setting. We sat down and started talking about nothing in particular. And then, he did it. He took my ring from my finger (my 'commitment' ring to him), got on one knee and asked me if I would marry him. 

I looked at him and realized something unusual. There were no people around to applaud and gasp. There was no romantic violin music in the background. There was no surprise ring hidden in the cake or on the bottom of a glass of champagne. And it was then that I knew I had been waiting for the wrong thing. Being focused on all those details I had always ignored the fact that I'd been expecting things that happen on TV, or proposals that made other people happy, trying to make them my own. 

In my case, there was the man I love. That one person at whose side I have been meant to be. The one with whom I've been through so much this year, in an unlikely relationship, enduring distances that were literally across continents; my 'bullet-proof love' as my mother called it. The one I am willing to wait for and I have no problem making my one and only. He was on one knee, asking me to be his husband and take on the world together.

That's when I understood what an engagement was about. 

Of course, I said yes. (Yay! I'm getting married! ... ^_^ ... Ok, I'm back now). And then I said "of course I'll marry you... ... Ummm... There are no witnesses to the proposal!" - alcohol makes me overly direct perhaps. So, what did he do? A couple of hours later (maybe less), as I was talking with my cousins, he sneaked behind me, slipped the ring of my finger and proposed again in front of my family. If it hadn't already been perfect, that made it so.

Later I was thinking about the kind of wedding I'd like. And, for the first time in my life I thought "I don't need a big over-the-top, super expensive wedding. I need the man I love at my side. I want us to vow to be together, make it official, share it with the people I love (not with everyone I've met just for the sake of having lots of people at my wedding)."

Perhaps that's what love is really about, huh? When you realize that the things around you, the plans you make around the relationship are just pluses, decoration - and the real focus of your happiness is having that person in your life.

Waiting is an 'action' verb

As I wait for the time when I can see my partner again (a month or so... And then another month before I can move in with him) I have gone through many different stages... Mainly unpleasant, frustrating and conflictive ones.

I have always taken pride in the fact that I don't shy away from a challenge - in fact, I like complicated situations that push me to do more than I usually do - I am a hopeless workaholic and I always try to do the best that I can... But when it comes to 'waiting'... Ah, that's my weak spot.

I always thought that waiting was a passive state in which you were helpless, completely at the mercy of the universe without the possibility to actually do anything. I would feel frustrated and anxious, clenching my jaw constantly without realizing it, feeling all my muscles tense and my mind racing, obsessing with all the possible outcomes. No matter what I was doing and despite the fact that I work from dusk till dawn (and later), my hyperactive mind didn't seem to know how to stop.

Today I realized something. Waiting is not a passive thing. Waiting for something is fostering, or rather protecting the hope you harbor for something. Beyond what you do to achieve your goal, sometimes it's more important to keep that hope safe, like a little light inside you. Despair is a very powerful feeling when you let it in, and it will quickly tarnish your hope turning into premature grief. That is what makes waiting hard, the constant thought that your wish won't come true, that all your work will go to waste.

How about making sure it won't?

Even if, in the end, things don't turn out the way you wanted them to, it doesn't mean that you can just sit and watch your hope be swallowed by those dark feelings (frustration, fear, despair). There is something you can do while you wait. Something of utmost importance and that requires action. Keep that hope alive. It's not easy. It takes a lot of work. But it's worth it. And it can be done.

Behind a broken heart

In secondary school, I had this Physics teacher who had a very interesting way of explaining the concept of 'broken'. He would take a wrinkled piece of paper out of his briefcase, smooth it out, crumple it up again and say "there, I broke it". He explained that breaking something doesn't necessarily mean tearing it up in pieces, but rather changing it in a way that it cannot be brought back to its original shape.

This made the whole 'heartbreak' concept a lot easier to understand for me. While there are many causes for this (a breakup, a disappointment, the death of someone), the result is the same: you are left with a void-like feeling in your chest that makes you feel surrounded by darkness and despair.

After that, you will never be the same again... And that is not always a bad thing.

Instead of thinking of a heart as something rigid and fragile, like glass, I think it's more like dough. It constantly changes its shape and morphs depending on who touches it and how they do so. Still, if you give it to someone who modifies it into something you don't like or that hurts you, you cannot mold it back to the way it was before, no matter how hard you try... And why would you? Wouldn't it be more fun to find a new shape you might like even more?

When I see it this way, it makes it easier for me to open up to people and be less afraid of being hurt. Of course, there will be times when I will feel pain but now I know it will just be an opportunity to see a new shape of my heart.

Rings, proposals and roles.

The Claddagh ring is my lucky charm.
The other my 'commitment' ring.

"So, I've been wondering," my boss said to me as he inspected my ring, "how does... how does it work with you guys? I mean, normally the guy proposes to the girl, but in your case there is no girl". At that moment, I actually found myself puzzling over this question, not being exactly in that situation. After thinking about it for a bit I could only answer "I guess it depends on the case!". 

There is someone at work who is waiting for his boyfriend to propose to him since they have talked about marriage (they have a long distance relationship and this way he would get residency in that country); he was present at the time and my boss looked at him and said "well, in your case it is pretty obvious he is proposing to you!"

While it was a funny comment and we all agreed, he might have actually be onto something. There are some couples in which the traditional gender-based roles are very entrenched. Just to clarify, gender roles are social constructs of what is 'masculine' and 'feminine'; while these two words are normally associated with male and female sex accordingly, they are not synonyms or necessarily fixed. A masculine woman is not, by definition, a butch woman who looks like she drives a big truck (the same goes for feminine men) - the concept is much wider than that. A man who stays at home and takes care of the children, a woman who pursues an engineering-related career, a man with an artistic streak - those are examples of characteristics which are not related to their mannerisms or physical appearance.

That being said, some gay couples are comfortable following this model - in which case, the one who takes on the masculine role is very likely to do the 'proposing'. But what about couples where roles are more flexible?

Well, I don't actually know. While the fairy tale idea of the prince getting down on one knee and the Hollywood chick-flick cliché of the jaw-dropping surprise proposal are very appealing, there aren't that many resources that show how 'most people do it'. 

In the end, it all comes down to that, doesn't it? How we have been taught by the media that 'it should be done'... But that does not mean that each couple can come up with their own way, right? 

A Good Wolf

Nietzsche said that most people think that 'good and evil' fell from Heaven, as if it were something outside themselves; instead, it is people themselves who decide. And yet, so many of us have caught ourselves wondering whether something we want to do is 'all right'.

Many a time I've heard phrases such as "well, I'm not responsible for what others feel" and "I gotta live the moment". Most of them come from cheap self-help books that misinterpret Buddhist ideology. "I'll let the Universe do its work" doesn't mean that I can free myself from any responsibility and act recklessly.

However, I have found that there is a very simple way to know if something is 'good' or 'bad' (for lack of better words): if you are ashamed of what you are doing, if you hide your actions even from those who are closest to you, then you should think twice about it - not because of what they think, but rather for the reasons why you conceal it.

On the other hand, sometimes we don't even ask ourselves why we think something is wrong. Very often we keep habits from childhood and beliefs that weren't ever ours.

Some time ago I saw a video on TED.com where a lexicographer talks about what she calls 'The ham-butt problem" and it's something like this: she was cooking a ham and cut the ham-butt off as she always did, but this time she stopped and wondered why she did it - it was, of course, something that her mother had always done. So, she called her mother and asked her, and the response was "well, my mother always did it". They called grandma and she said "my pan was too small!".

How many beliefs, habits and who knows what else do we keep going just because it has never occurred to us that it could be any differently? I won't wear pink because it's for girls. I won't date more than one person because it's wrong. I won't talk about my sexuality because it's shameful. I won't eat that because it's bad for me - and this last one is wonderful because most of us have absolutely no idea if it's true, we just follow what commercials tell us (the same commercials that say that we must shampoo every day and use lots of toothpaste).

In the end, I think gay people have been pushed to question these ideas to a point (even more so while coming out), but most of us stop when we get to a comfortable point. Why? Isn't this like living in a house that somebody else built and decorated for us? I mean, it took me years to realize that I love purple and that I want to decorate my bedroom with that color! We can't really destroy the 'house' or the core of who we are, but the decoration - the beliefs, habits, ideologies - we have, we can question, arrange, rearrange and change until we feel satisfied with them. So, don't take for granted that you 'know what you like and don't like' until you've put yourself to the task of questioning it!

Healthy Love

That's what everybody wants, right? That's why Psychologists like me have work, actually... And why people buy those cheap, tacky magazines with the 20 question test that can tell you if you have a 'codependent' relationship. Also, it is rather in fashion to watch all those shows that give you tips on how to have a 'healthy' relationship... Most of which, I think, should have informercials instead of regular commercials... Very often, those shows only present utopic, ideal relationships which only Buddha would have.

It's funny how there seems to be a generalized concept of what is the ideal relationship; the one that can make you happy and, if you read this book or that, you'll find the recipe for it. Well, what if you don't really want something like that?

The concept of 'health' itself has changed in the last few years; before, it was considered 'the absence of illness or disease' whereas now it is 'the physical, mental and emotional well-being of a person'. And, no, it is not the same thing.

A relationship can be free of jealousy, deceit, arguments and problems, and still be awful... On the other hand, the presence of these factors doesn't necessarily indicate that the relationship is faulty or destructive.

When you start a new relationship, have your friends ever made comments like "you shouldn't see each other so much", " you shouldn't show you care so much", "you shouldn't be so jealous", etc. etc. It's like everyone has advice on how to have the perfect relationship - and yet, how many of those actually have it?  In fact, most of those comments only reflect what most of them are afraid of or are doing themselves, and have very little to do with you or your relationship.

In the end, I believe 'healthy love' is that which leads you to create something new in your life. To grow and make the union of the two something bigger than what they are on their own. If you're jealous, distant, cold, affectionate, intellectual, monogamous, polyamorous, etc. What does it matter as long as it makes you happy?

Promises, promises...

I was watching Mike and Molly the other day and there was this scene that really caught my attention. In short she says that she doesn't want to tell Mike that she wants to be with him 'forever' because she doesn't want to make promises she may not be able to keep... And then he says:

"There's nothing wrong with making promises you want to keep"

Many a time I have found myself in this situation. Preventing myself from making promises about a future I am not completely certain of... And yet, I seem to fail to notice the irony in that statement - there is no way I can be certain of anything in the future!

Still, does not keeping a promise like 'I will be with you forever' undermine its value? I'd say no.

Looking back to all the promises I've made (or been made), they made me happy at the time and were very real.

Even with the ups and downs, with some stories whose endings could've been much better, I think that I would still go through it all again. 'Forever' is only the moment when you feel it - expecting anything else from it is very unreal.

In the end, promises are words that express what one desires... Of course, I am talking about these platonic promises that can in no way be kept and, rather, are symbolic representations of what one's feelings are. Promises like 'I'll see you tomorrow at 5' are more about committing and a whole other story.

Telling someone you want to be with them till the end is proof of love. Don't be afraid to do it. If it doesn't work out, it just didn't and there will be reasons for it; however, you will still have lived that eternal love even if for a moment.

Gay love through the generations...

One of those things that I've rarely thought about even though most of my relationships have been with people at least 10 years older than me: How has the idea of 'love' changed through time? How does it affect what people look for and how they pursue it?

I was talking with a good friend about this and he had some very interesting ideas...

Starting with the way gay people have had to behave depending on the culture of the era. Not that many years ago, gay life was still pretty covert; people had to sneak around, hide, live in fear of being discovered and hardly being able to actually share anything with another person. So, perhaps, the focus was not so much on having a relationship (that was way too much work and, sometimes, just not possible), but rather on sex. While straight people where being taught that they had to meet someone they could spend the rest of their lives with, have babies and take to family parties, gay people had to lead double lives or look for someone they could find some relief with. We, as homosexuals, are not taught to look for the intimacy and permanence of an actual relationship. In some cheuvanistic cultures (like some places in Mexico), it is even okay to have a male lover as long as 'nobody knows about it and you get married to a woman'.

A bit later on, people who were born after Stonewall, pride and this whole diversity revolution... Well, we have it a bit easier. We are the ones who go out and hold hands with our lovers while walking down the street, face bullies and come out to our parents and try to teach them that "it's okay". We're like the 'transition generation'. We are able to, with some important effort still, have a relationship which is moderately acceptable in society and, more importantly, in our own social circles.

But, what happens when these two generations try to establish a relationship? When these two ideologies have to, somehow, coexist and adapt to each other?

Let's see. The one, while also yearning for companion, someone to share their lives with, has had to make it through the 'dark side of the street', so to speak. While we have had the chance to step into the other side...

Now, I don't want to generalize. There are always exceptions and there is no way I can speak for everybody. But this all just made me wonder if the concept of a 'romantic relationship' hasn't changed dramatically? Or enough to pose a problem for these combinations? Is my generation a bit more open to intimacy because we have been allowed to do it more openly? And have we stopped looking at sex as a union with somebody else because it is so easy to get? Or perhaps it's the other way around and we aren't really looking for that intimacy and just mistake it for sex. Maybe, people in the previous generation can separate love and sex more easily since the former was more rare and difficult to achieve? 

One thing I know for sure. Those of us who are relationship-oriented (and even those who say they aren't), are looking for someone to share our lives with; someone to love and be loved by. I'm a bit too romantic for my own good and I do believe that love can get you through anything. All those differences age, race, distance and other factors bring can be overcome as long as both people can communicate and are willing to compromise.

Faithful

"You're faithful because you want to be, not because the other person is going to, necessarily. I mean, in the end, if your partner cheats on you and you don't, it's pretty much on yourself and has nothing to do with him - you chose to act in a certain way because you wanted to". Or so my therapist said.

This is a very interesting approach to monogamy. I've heard, and perhaps I myself have considered, that one is faithful because 'you wouldn't want your partner to do that to you', right? But this brings you to a most difficult issue: does this mean that you would cheat in case your partner did it too?

Recently I read that 'commitment' is the state in which the person goes from a passive to an active role in a relationship, thus promoting the development and stability of it. Therefore, it means that people who are committed to a relationship need to take action to make it last and stay strong. It's not just about letting things happen, it's taking things into your hands and doing whatever you can to build a strong foundation for the relationship to survive whatever comes its way.

I believe, also, that being 'faithful' means different things to everyone, and a key factor for a relationship to work out is for both parties to agree in such concepts.  When both parts are playing the game with the same 'rules', it is harder for it to present any issues which could later hinder the relationship and bring about dreadful misunderstandings

In other words, if you think that cheating on your partner is reduced exclusively to the main standard of monogamy, you need to let them know so! What if they're not so much into sex but rather the emotional quality of the relationship? Or viceversa? Sometimes we think it is 'obvious', but it really is not.

Sex is really easy to get, so much that its value has gone down quite drastically. But what about love? What about intimacy and affection? It's true that you can just sleep with the first guy you meet on the street... And yet, I believe that when you are aware of what you want, it does not matter how hot or charming the new person might be, the love you have for your partner goes way beyond that.

Suspicious minds

Often condemned, rarely appreciated and mostly troublesome, this emotion seems to give lots of people a terrible headache. But, is it 'bad'? Is it 'normal'? Can we control it and does it mean anything if your partner is not jealous of you?

To my mind, it is nearly impossible to trust your partner one hundred percent; I mean, to the point that you are absolutely certain that there is no way that this person would ever stray from the path that has been set. We are all humans and we all make mistakes, so what makes it impossible for your partner not to do so?

In a way, I think that some degree of jealousy is healthy for a relationship. It shows that you are not taken for granted, that your absence would be more than just 'noted'... Then, again, I said 'some degree' of jealousy - when someone is checking your e-mails, texts and can't stand to let you out of their sight, well, that just becomes creepy.

Recently I read an article on this, defining jealousy as the feeling of the threat of real or potential rivals to an existing relationship. Not that any of us are alien to this feeling, but there was something else that caught my eye. These researchers were proposing the idea of two kinds of jealousy: 'reactive jealousy' and 'suspicious jealousy'.

Reactive jealousy happens when there is something external that makes you feel threatened; for example, when your partner has cheated on you. This type of jealousy is characterized by anger, sadness and fear. Whereas suspicious jealousy is more related to insecurity and self-esteem, and is more characterized by anxiety, insecurity and doubt.

While this makes a LOT of sense, it seems odd how different they actually are and what discrepant reactions they provoke. I mean, when someone cheats on you, it is only normal that you'd be pretty pissed off, right? Or sad because the person disappointed you... However, I don't think this is the most common form of jealousy...

Somehow, I think that mostly people (like me) suffer from suspicious jealousy. The idea of what 'might' happen but not because of what the other person could or not do, but rather because our mind creates an infinite number of stories that, while possible, aren't necessarily probable.

So, when you tell somebody you're jealous and that person asks what they can do to help you feel more confident... It's not always something that they can do. Because they can tell you they love you, give you proof they do, even get a tattoo of your face on their butt and it would STILL not help you feel less jealous! Why? Because, if it's suspicious jealousy, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with them!

The only thing that happens in these cases is that the jealous person feels anxious and insecure, which brings stress into the relationship, and their partner feel like nothing they ever do is enough, even when they try to comply with any demands that the jealous partner might make!

In the end, I think that reactive jealousy is normal and can even be beneficial for a relationship, giving the person the feeling that they are important enough to take care of... As long as it's not psycho. And if there's good communication between the couple then there's no reason why it should be a problem at all. On the other hand, suspicious jealousy is something that the person has to work with on their own; sure, their partner can help by understanding how it is not about their behavior per se, but rather some issues which are more personal and less related to the relationship itself. This means that the jealous partner should understand that, while their partner can be supportive, their behavior will not necessarily make them feel better or worse.

This could be a relief, in fact, for some people. Knowing that your partner is jealous because of their own insecurities releases you from the "responsibility" of provoking such an emotion and gives you the opportunity to be there for them in a whole other way.