A 'masculine' kind of love.

"Hey asshole, how are you today?" literally means something like "Hey buddy, did you have a good day?"... Also, "you like that? wow, you're really stupid" means "you like that? wow, I haven't heard much or been interested in it because I'm afraid people will think I'm stupid"... Or so it seems...

I've seen this happen a lot among straight men; there is this dire need of using violence and aggression to mask anything which might pass for affection. This comes, of course, from that inherent fear of being judged as "too feminine" or just plain queer.

Now, one thing that supposedly characterizes the bear community is the fact that the men are masculine and virile; this is sometimes understood as 'acting straight' or rather making sure that you keep following the same guidelines they do. And while I admit to having a homophobic part of myself where I don't hang out with guys who are too flamboyant or refer to each other as 'girl' and use feminine pronouns and other similar words while talking to each other, I believe that it is important to evaluate some aspects of our behaviour before we go along with it.

Personally, while not 'big', I do consider myself masculine and pride myself in the fact that I am a man who likes men. This, however, does not stop me from being loving with my friends - I hug them, and try to demonstrate my affection as much as possible. Of course, this is the way I am and I do not intend to say it's the "right way". I just don't understand this tendency to hit someone or call them names when you clearly feel affection for them.  Even more when it's so plain that what they really need is more-obvious affection.

Making fun of someone's interests or something they say, trying to show that you think it's too gay just out of fear because someone else might judge you first is just plain stupid. 

I had a boyfriend who was a big mean-looking bear who was one of the most loving people I've ever met; I remember it was the thing that drew me to him so strongly, someone brave enough to match that masculine appearance without losing the ability of letting those he loved know what he felt for them.

My own conclusion on this topic is that, while it may be 'obvious' that calling your friends names and making fun of them is a way to show them you love them (from the safe side, since you can always deny it), I think it is important to reflect on whether that's really what they need to hear... Moreover, whether that's what you need from them as well.

Of love and... Trust.

What happens when you go back to that kind of relationship teens have? You know, when you just want to be with that person all the time, despite knowing better; when you have that undeniable ache in your chest brought about by the possible redirection of your lover's gaze - also known as jealousy.

I am an adult and a psychologist, so one would expect I could handle these things quite well; after all, I have done it in the past!

It's funny going back to feeling that little ache in my chest. Mostly because today I know, rationally of course, the 'best' way to go about this situation... But I forgot that emotions care little about what my brain says!

In a book I read that one cannot learn to love; this is because we cannot think of every relationship as the following one, much less as a continuation of the previous one. In other words, whatever things you learned in one relationship will be of little use in the next one, mainly because it is not with the same person! So, every affair is like starting all over again. Doesn't that suck? I mean, you can definitely use some of the knowledge you acquired but very rarely will two people react in the exact same way.

Also, considering that the bear community in my country is terribly small - everybody knows everybody - and you cannot date anyone without everyone else noticing, you would think I would have learned that being with someone requires a lot of trust.

I used to think I had become quite sensible when it came to relationships... But the universe saw it fit to show me better.

Now, as I step into the uncertainty I realize that, indeed, experience and logic have absolutely nothing to do with love and relationships.

While there's no way to stop feeling jealousy or fear of losing the object of one's affection, I think that it is possible to enjoy even that. Of course, I don't mean being crazy "stalky" or violent, but rather I believe that a bit of jealousy is quite healthy and helps let the other person know that you really care about them. Moreover, the fear of being at risk means that you are investing something important in the relationship - you cannot lose anything unless you bet it first.

So, these feelings, normally associated with lack of self-confidence, can be put to good use if taken in a positive way, as part of the experience of taking the chance - the universe is reciprocal, if you want to win big, you have got to bet big. 

One-night stands = Bootleg love.

With sex being so available, love has become a luxury item in the market... So to speak... 

I love buying TV series on DVD and take special pleasure in getting the "limited boxed editions" whenever I can lay my hands on them (I swear I have a point, bear it for a bit); of course, this also means that I pay a bit extra and can't buy as many as I might like. However, I do not think this is a bad thing.

Someone convinced me once to get the bootleg versions they sell on the street (which are, of course, way cheaper). The problem I found is that, while the quality of the video might be practically the same, the packaging was really unattractive; also, there comes a point where it was so easy to get them, that I wouldn't really mind which I bought, I'd just get three or four seasons of different series just 'to try and discover new things'.

In the end, I'd hardly watch half of the stuff I'd bought since I wasn't really interested, and the things I did want to see became less important - I would watch them once and put them away somewhere. It's like, if I buy an album by an artist I really like, I listen to the 13+ songs many times, enjoying each one to the fullest... While if I buy a 'discography' on mp3 for 10 pesos, I might listen to one or two songs and forget it exists.

I have found that 'express sex' is pretty much the same thing. At one point, having sex gets to be so easy, it loses meaning; it becomes an activity you do for the pleasure of the moment and it doesn't really matter who the other person is.

When you invest something else in a relationship with someone - and I don't necessarily mean 'true love' -, at least getting to know who you're sharing the bed with. You get to enjoy every moment, discovering something new in things you've done many times before. 

While this might be rather obvious, I have found it's really easy to forget that it can be so much more... That, rather than a one-time experience which will satisfy your immediate desire, it can become something that more than satiates the physical needs, going a bit farther.

Today I think I want to go back to getting the 'special limited edition' when it comes to being with someone... Even if it does require a bigger investment, patience and risk.

Of love and... Desire.

"Love is the yearning of loving and preserving the loved one. A centrifugal impulse; unlike the centripetal desire. It is an impulse towards expansion (...) it implies the impulse of protecting, nurturing, give shelter and caress and pamper, or protect jealously. (...) While 'desire' longs to consume, love wishes to possess. Desire is self-destructive; love, self-preserving." Zygmunt Bauman on "Liquid Love".

Two people meet, like each other and decide they want to know whether they can be compatible on other things besides aesthetics. They talk, laugh and find each other's company pleasant, even satisfactory. As the evening develops, they long to feel the other person and feel a fire whenever there is a surreptitious touch... When they say goodbye, they kiss and realise there is something there...

So, what do they do? Or rather, what can they do? 

This initial connection is a powerful desire which could consume both of them in a blazing fire (which I'm not saying is wrong). But what happens after the flames are gone? After that first attraction fades away and you see the person bare, without the mystery of the unknown that surrounded them. Desire centers one's attention towards itself... Or rather, oneself... Sometimes it takes longer for the blaze to expose what hides beneath, but it never fails. 

If let alone, desire can be too intense and scald the surface of whoever is feeling it, altering their perception and making them too sensitive to what comes afterwards; thus preventing them from exploring the newly discovered individual.

Love, on the other hand, is a feeling of growth; an impetus to become better and improve the one beside you. While Bauman says love is possession, and I agree, I also think it is creation. In a previous entry I talked about the 'admiration' component in a romantic relationship, I think that is what can keep the desire renovating itself; I believe it is a fire centered, not around devouring, but absorbing and making that part of whoever you love, yours. 

Of love and... Admiration.

Hard as I try, I cannot seem to recall where it was I saw this idea... I know I read it somewhere, though...

Anyway, it was something like this: For love to grow between to people and transcend the mere 'infatuation' stage, there has to be something they admire in each other. When one falls in love with someone, that person seems completely flawless and sent from Heaven; but after a couple of months, half the things you used to find adorable turn out to be annoying, illogical or simply disgusting.

So, how do some couples manage to stay together for so long? Well, some just decide to turn a blind eye towards their issues and take their frustration out by starting senseless arguments; however, there are those who find qualities in their partner which surpass those things they cannot stand. 

Nietzsche once said that for a couple's love to go beyond 'animal attraction' (which is what most people mistake for 'true love' or 'being in love'), they need to be able to create something bigger than what they are together. This could be, but isn't necessarily, a child, of course - and for most people, that's what it is... I mean, in the end, how difficult is it to 'make a child'? Raising it IS tough but by the time you're faced with that problem it's too late to turn back (if you have some decency). 

Therefore, it all comes to knowing that you can learn something from the person you're with; that he or she can make you want to be a better person and inspires you, not only to improve your life together, but also to pursue your own dreams in order to keep providing the relationship with a reciprocal contribution.

So, lately, I have found myself thinking (when I meet someone) "what can I learn from you? is there something you do that I admire?" And I don't mean being wealthy or famous; but simply by being someone who is passionate about something they do - this is, perhaps, the greatest thing a person can do for their lover...

Conversely, I think it is just as important to ask myself daily if the things I do, the life I lead, could provide inspiration or foster admiration in someone else. 

The union of two should be to create something bigger than their combined result. 

Dating

Yeah, the 'D' word... I have always been so bad at it! And now that I'm single, I find myself trying to figure out how one is supposed to do it.

I started 'dating' when I was 15, but I kind of think that didn't really count; however, after I broke up with him, it only took about a month for me to meet my first real boyfriend, whom I was with for a bit over 2 years... After him, I was single for, perhaps, a couple of months before I met my next boyfriend - I think of him as my first life partner. We dated for a while, became 'boyfriends' and lived together for a couple of years... After splitting up, I was single for a couple of months as well, until I started having a long distance relationship with an American bear, who is now my roommate.

Wow, that sounds like some sort of crazy confession, huh? But rather, I see it as a way of setting the background for the topic at hand: I have never been good at dating.

When I go out with someone, I must admit I'm pretty practical. If I feel a connection and we hit it off, then I make time and try to find ways so we can see each other often and find out whether we can turn into something else; if not, well, let's just say I see no point in going forward. Or at least that's what I used to do.

As I dive back into the dating world I realise that, not only do I lack the experience most people seem to have, but apparently I have no natural instincts to show me how to behave. I find the whole process kind of pointless in a way. The idea that you should wait after the first date so as not to seem to eager; the fact that a guy will almost always be way more interested if he thinks you are not; the ambiguity of what each person wants when they meet, etc.

While I do find it kind of exciting and fun for a bit, I think it should be way more simple... Like, you meet and you put the cards on the table, that way nobody wastes anybody's time! 

Ok, fine, I have become kind of unromantic and, apparently, I don't have as much patience for these games as I used to. But I think it's as inconsistent as those people who have profiles on websites where you meet people and say things like "looking for friends and love" on their profile while having pictures of themselves completely naked and bending over; if you're looking for sex, just say it! I think it's silly that, in this day and age, people are still so concerned about being judged for who they are or what they do - mainly concerning their sex life.

So, I have commited to stay single through the end of the year. For the first time in my life, I think I am learning to really enjoy being by myself; focusing on myself, my friends, my job, my studies... I also want to learn all that so popular, and yet obscure to me, dating code. I want to learn when to call, when not to call, the things one is supposed to say and do in order to stay in the game... While I am in it. 

I still believe that it is a pointless game but I want to immerse myself in it for a while... When I tell this to my friends they roll their eyes and say that I'll probably have a new boyfriend by the end of the month... And they might be right! But at least for now, I am willing to take a different approach.

Hmmm... Today's post was a bit all over the place... I guess I just have a lot of ideas in my mind and can't seem to organise them!

So, what do you think about the whole dating game? Are you good at it? How did you learn? ... ... And most importantly... What have you learned?

Some things are best kept as memories - no use in trying to rewrite history.

Sitting on the stage of the bar (since there was no show going at the moment) my jaw dropped as I saw my ex-partner walk by through the sea of people...

Why was I so shocked? Well, this was my first serious boyfriend; we were together for about four and a half years (in total) and lived together for almost two... We had a great relationship and I have always remembered him as the man that made me feel loved and safe. He had this way of hugging me and saying "it'll be all right" that always made me believe it actually would.

So, I had thought of contacting him for the past three years, to see how he was - I guess, in a way, I wanted to salvage some of that relationship I remembered we had... I did text him a couple of times on his birthday and Christmas but, of course, I got no reply.

Anyway, tonight, as I walked towards him I realised that he looked quite different from what I remembered... And yet, he was the exact same person. When he looked at me, his eyes opened wide and he had this look as if he had seen a ghost or something... I said, "hey! how have you been?" and offered my hand as a greeting; he hardly moved, said "fine" and just stared at me. I got the message and walked away... I must say I was shocked and rather confused... I mean, it has been three years! A bit later he walked towards the exit and stood there - when I was on my way out, he gave me an angry look and turned his back to me. So much for the man I remembered!

However, I kind of understand. It can't have been easy for him (I know it wasn't for me); I just figured that what we had could probably evolve into something else. I must admit I still miss him from time to time... Or at least I did. I guess today I can finally move on, knowing that we will probably never talk again. 

A friend told me, not long ago, that we have 'memory so we can have flowers in winter'... And I guess that's the way it should be. The memories of what we had will forever stay in my mind, and some of them actually help me go on when I am in a pinch. 

I know every break up is different. Still, I can't stop thinking of that song "Rewriting History" everytime I think of him... Or rather, I couldn't - today I think that has finally become another chapter in my life.. A chapter that I will cherish as a memory and will not chase or try to bring back anymore.

What do you think? Is it easy for you to stay friends with someone you were romantically involved with?

Of love and like and lust...

Someone posted on Facebook the other day the following quote "The difference between lust, like and love is the same as that between 'for now', 'for a while' and 'forever'". While I think this is very romantic and awarded no less than an "awwwww" the moment I read it, I have my doubts as to whether one can put such feelings in a hierarchy as if one was a consequence of the other. 

I think of 'liking' someone as that feeling of attraction in which you want to know more about the other person, you are interested in learning the way they think, sharing the things they like and, generally, just being with that person; lust is when you find someone you have good 'chemistry' with and all you want is to get in that person's pants to enjoy the pleasures of the physical realm; and, finally, I believe that love is creation, when you want to be with someone in order to create something extraordinary - when you know you admire something in the other person and they see something worthy of being admired in you as well. I believe that love transcends the union of the two and becomes something bigger than both of them together - be it a child, a project or just the creation of a new life.

Some time ago, I remember reading an extract from Octavio Paz's "El laberinto de la soledad" ("The labyrinth of solitude) where he discussed this topic with some interesting insights. In the mexican culture (as, I think, in many others) the difference between 'love' and 'lust' is normally related to the dichotomy between seeing a woman as a prostitute or as a mother. Whilst the former can be seen as an object of pure sexual desire and someone with whom you can enjoy your deepest and darkest erotic fantasies (with no remorse or fear of judgment), the latter represents a completely opposite set of values and morals which get in the way of the previously listed ideas - mind you, I don't mean your 'own' mother, but once that person has your child, they immediately are recognized more as a mum than as a wife.

In other words, when you meet someone you feel attracted to, it is normal to have your libido at its peak, finding it easy to explore and enjoy each other's company and body. However, when the relationship takes a step forward and the individual's role evolves into a more 'nurturing' and 'caring' companion-type, it is hard for both concepts to co-exist. 

Of course, this is not always true, there are couples where their sex life evolves at the same pace as their companion-role and it becomes an experience of deep connection and intimacy... Though I find it hard to believe that most people are able to keep that flame of the unexpected curiosity alive. It is said that there comes a point where, either subconsciously or not, one starts to think of the spouse, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. as 'family'... And one doesn't fuck one's family, right? 

These are just some ideas I find quite interesting since they can be the root of a lot of relationships which feel like their interaction is changing and cannot seem to figure out how.

Labeling Love

Say you meet someone, you like him or her, you go out with them and, one day, they ask: "so, what are we?" 

Isn't that an odd question? The first thing that pops into my head is "umm... gay? men? human beings?"... Of course, this is nowhere near being the right answer.

I decided to blog about this topic not because I feel like I know the answer and the terms by which one decides to take whatever step; but rather because I have absolutely no idea!

I had my first real relationship at 18 with a guy who was about 12 years older than me. I say 'real' because I had dated someone before but I could hardly call that a relationship... I might blog about it at some point, though. Anyway, I remember what it was like, being 'in love' for the first time: I was so excited and anxious at the same time; I kept thinking "does he really like me? is this going anywhere? am I doing things the way it's supposed to be?". My own insecurity drove me to be very clingy and needy with this guy, calling him all the time, being too 'nice' and giving too much. Now, this guy didn't mind all the attention, in fact I believe he liked it; but he did not reciprocate at all... At the time I thought of this as 'lack of interest' (which only made me try harder); I mean, why wouldn't he call me too and tell me he loved me as much as I did? And why wouldn't he come pick me up and take me out to nice places like I did? 

That was quite a few years ago and now I see it in quite a different way. I 'invested' all that time, interest, effort and affection because I wanted to do it, and he was not, in any way, obliged to reciprocate in the same way. I am sure he did things to show me he loved me, but I was too busy worrying about what I wanted to see them. Something else that I failed to understand at the time was that he had no way of knowing what I was expecting since I didn't tell him! I still had that fairy-tale mind where the couple understands each other perfectly without words - which is nice in theory, but very rare in real life.

With my next boyfriend I had a similar situation, though I was a bit less demanding and a lot better at asking for the things I needed. However, there was a problem, since he was a lot older than me (22 years, I think) he was very hesitant to having a relationship with me. We went out for a while and a couple of months later I asked him if we were boyfriends or what... He got all nervous and said he didn't see why we needed to put a label on our relationship, he said he hadn't been going out that long and we were having a good time. I was vexed by this and could only stand it for so long. A month later, I think, he gave in a bit and decided we would say we were "almost-boyfriends". It wasn't long until he agreed to being 'boyfriends' and could be introduced as such; mind you, we had met each other's families in the first month and had been going to all the family events together. 

Thinking back, this whole thing makes me laugh and kind of nostalgic at the feelings I had at the time. That rush of adrenaline at not knowing what would happen and the naïve idea that I could, somehow, hurry things along in order to have a 'long-lasting' relationship. 

Still, don't get me wrong, I do believe that language seriously affects the way we behave and relate to other people; I think that two people who have a commitment can easily call each other 'boyfriends' or 'partners' in order to recognize it in front of other people AND with each other. But the point I'm trying to make is that, while both things kind of go together, they aren't necessarily a consequence of each other. 

I think that when two people meet and decide to get to know each other better, things have to flow along naturally. Labeling a relationship will not necessarily help the commitment grow stronger or stay steady; I think that as the two people grow to love each other these things are really implied and just happen. One day you wake up and realize that what you have is beyond just going out, it is more than just being friends or screwing around. And the commitment is just there. I believe it is very important to let the other person know where you are so they know where they are standing and, at the same time, so you can know what to expect.

Today, while I still consider the 'name' of the relationship to be an important issue, I know it's something that just comes along with time. 

What do you think? When do you know your relationship has reached 'another level'?

New love can never be as good as the one to come afterwards...

"The sudden abundance and apparent availability of love experiences (...) can make one believe that the ability to love grows with the accumulated experience and that the next 'love' will be and even more stimulating experience than the current one - though not as exciting and fascinating as the one to come after the next one"... Or so Mr. Zygmunt Bauman says in his book 'Liquid Love'.

This book was given to me by a dear friend since he knows that, as a psychologist, I'm very interested in the way relationships develop and evolve through time, as well as in the different ways society is changing. Little did I know, this book would have so many interesting ideas and such a deep insight into the way marketing and the media have transformed the idea of 'love'.

So, reflecting a bit on the quote I roughly translated above, I was thinking about how, in a way, the real thing can never beat the fantasy of what could be... And in our society of disposable everything, it's quite easy to get caught in that idea... This takes me back to the first time I fell in love with someone who felt the same way for me. It was that magical, Disney-movie-love, that makes everything seem right even though it may not be. He was like 21 years older than me or something like that and very reluctant to have a relationship with someone so young. At the time, I thought him mad for allowing such a petty detail get in the way of us being together. I didn't understand his point of view at all and did everything I could to prove him wrong - granted, I have been around people who are older than me all my life so it wasn't that difficult. Thus, being an economically-independent 19-year-old student, I found my way into his heart little by little. We were together for about four and a half years and lived together about 18 months. We had a great relationship and we complemented each other quite well; of course, we had our differences but what couple doesn't? Sometimes I think back and recall how, when I felt lost and frustrated, he had a way of hugging me and saying "everything will be okay" that really convinced me it was so.

So, what went wrong, you ask? Ah, it's quite simple. I was young and stupid. Hehehehe...

Towards the end of the relationship I started feeling the age-difference (or so I believed) issues... I began feeling like I wanted to go out and meet people, dance, go out for the weekend to some place just to be out of the city... Be spontaneous. He didn't want this. I felt like that Abba song 'One of us': "I saw myself as a concealed attraction, I felt you kept me away from the heat and the action".

I started thinking about the possibilities a new relationship could bring. Someone I could love and who would love me back, besides being compatible with me in these ways. 

Now, after reading this book, and in my current situation I understand this idea of love being similar to technology... In our current fast-moving world, we are immersed in a society in which everything is disposable and the idea of a long-lasting product was lost years ago, since the 'new and updated version' will be available in a short time. What I mean is, today I realize that I couldn't see how much that relationship gave me because of the expectations of what 'could be'.

The romantics and others who share their ideas will probably be appalled by my crude and 'cold-hearted' similes, but this is just my perception, not the gospel truth... 

This also goes along with something else Bauman says which is that, lately, the notion of  "till death do us part" has become old-fashioned... And this has had important implications on 'love'; it has made the requirements for an experience to be defined as 'love', much simpler... It also means that it's not that more people qualify to be 'good potential partners' but rather that we have lowered the standards for them to be just that - I mean, since one no longer thinks about a life-long partner, then it doesn't matter if he or she is not perfect, right? Also, it means that, if this one doesn't work, it's not like I need to get married right away, those standards have also changed and I can just date whoever I want for as long as it's convenient. This is, of course, a double-edged sword because, while it gives you more freedom, it also makes it harder to appreciate the one thing you do have.

I think this is all, in a way, sad. I remember the days when I fell in love thinking "this is the one I will be with for life" and believed it was the only way it could be. Today I wonder if that is still a feasible idea in a world like ours. 

Today I can see that I have been caught in this 'modern' lifestyle in which it's too easy to get what you think you want, despite sacrificing what you need.

Any thoughts on this? Do you think we have lowered our standards about what we call 'love'?