Playing the game

Dude: "So, did you have a good time?"

Me: "No, not really. We don't seem to have much in common. But thanks! Good luck!"

Seriously, after alternating between staring blankly into space and one-syllable semi-dialogues, it's kind of obvious, isn't it? And, in my mind, I'm thinking he must have been feeling the same way; and yet, they feel like I'm too rough.

But isn't that nicer than an 'oh, sure, I'll call you!" and then deleting their info from your cell?

I think the opposite is also true, when you go out with someone you really like, there's nothing wrong with calling the next day. Some people have told me it's best to wait and 'play it cool'... Well, while it IS fun every now and then, I don't really see the point of these odd social interaction rules.

There's another unspoken rule I find rather off-putting: beating around the bush instead of saying what you want. I mean, I am not saying I like having a chat window open with tasteless sexual offers (also, there's nothing wrong with being horny AND civilized!) but the whole "I want to be friends" when your profile pic shows your bare ass is not very convincing, is it?

I guess I never really learned to play the game. I have seen how being a bastard makes people be more attracted to you... I have been on both sides. But I find it such a waste of time! When you find someone that awakens that little light in your heart and stirs your insides, why not let them know? 

Oh, wait, I know! "I'm afraid I'll get hurt" or "what if he uses that against me?"... Well, I say "so, what?" You're going to be anxious and obsessing over it anyway, right? It's not like you can just turn your feelings off. Instead you're stuck in the same place feeling uneasy and, perhaps, hurting yourself with stupid ideas. Why not just take the chance and the risk? 

I know many people who prefer to live on the safe side. Not getting too involved, superficially dating people getting as little as possible to satisfy their need for closeness without risking being hurt. Living anesthetised, unable to feel. 

Very recently, I fell in love. Hard. With someone with whom, I knew, I couldn't have a lasting relationship; and yet, I prefer to live a month, or a week, deeply in love, intensely, letting it fill my whole being. True, the price for such a heavenly feeling is, of course, equivalent. Whatever you get in life, I think, you need to pay for. If you want to live blissful love, you need to work and pay accordingly - emotionally speaking. Is it rough? Does it hurt? Do you feel like you're dying inside when it's over? Yes. Is it worth it? I believe so. When I say that I lived a week being happy as I have ever been, isn't it logical that losing it would give me an unhappiness equally as strong? 

One cannot expect to find a love to die for by offering only what is safe to give. You get what you pay for, no more and, of course, no less.

False connection

Everyday, when I wake up, the first thing I do is turn my computer on and log onto Facebook... I check what my 'friends' have posted and I share my own thoughts. People comment on my status and I on theirs... During the day I do this more than a few times and, always, before going to bed...
Recently I went through a rough time and my best friends came to support me... Oddly, on Facebook, very few people minded. I can't blame them. It's not like it would've made much of a difference to get a "like" or a "wall post".
This had me thinking, I never seem to have time to call my friends or even text them; my main excuse, of course, being that we 'stay in touch through Facebook'... But how true is that?
This is, of course, not the discovery of the century, much less an epiphany that will change everyone's life; however, it did prompt me to start a little experiment.
I decided to stay out of Facebook for as long as I can. Be that a day, a week or a month.
The objective? See how this affects my social relationships - whether they become closer or further.
So far, I've been off Facebook for 48 hours. And, interestingly enough, I think this has had a rather positive effect on me. Beyond feeling lonely, I actually think I'm more comfortable with the way I carry myself socially. It's become clearer who I actually want to call and know will answer. Rather than just having a 'friend in common', I find myself turning to people I actually have interests and objectives in common with. Who knows? Perhaps after this little experiment, I might find that Facebook makes me more prone to a kind of social anxiety?

About bears and rejection.

You're not fat enough.

You're not hairy enough.

You're not big enough.

Your beard is not thick enough.

You're not (insert other options here) enough.

Ever heard any of this from a bear? 

This is one thing I have never quite understood. I don't know how common this is in other countries but it is very frequent in Mexico City.

What bugs me about it is the incoherence of it all. Just last week I was talking to a student about how, when I was in secondary school, I felt so ashamed of my body because I thought I was 'too thin'; today I know I'm not but it took years of work to realize it! However, I still remember the feeling of rejection and of 'not quite fitting in'... More than that, I have come to understand how stupid is to be rude to somebody or judge them just because they don't meet the requirements of 'beauty' that society has established.

Now, that being said, I also remember those other guys who were also bullied because of their weight, but because they were chubby instead... 

As far as I understand, the bear community was formed by those guys and for that exact same reason. I believe it was in order for those who felt rejected to have a place to belong to... Especially those who did not really fit the 'magazine-gay' stereotype... Why, then, are there some bears who insist on doing that? 

I must admit I do have some issues with guys who are feminine to the point of wearing girls' clothes or make-up, and while I wouldn't date them or want to look like them, it doesn't mean I'm rude to them. 

Now, I am, of course, not talking about everyone. I have a wonderful circle of bear friends who I love a lot; I have also met many friendly bears who practice what they preach. In fact, when I went to Washington D.C., I was welcomed rather warmly despite not being big and furry! I even found out that, while not a bear, I can still be part of the community as a wolf or a chaser! Even women are accepted and, sometimes, called 'goldilocks'!

So, yeah, I think we're doing something really wrong here in Mexico. And I also think it's the reason why it's so hard for the bear community to grow and become stronger.

(Straight) Dating protocol.

As I immerse myself back in the world of 'dating', I have come across an issue that troubles me: the dating protocol.

In more ways than one, straight people have it pretty simple, they follow a clear (granted, cheuvanistic) plan: boy asks girl out, they dress up, go somewhere for dinner, the boy pays, maybe kiss goodnight and the boy is supposed to call her back. Also, the mere fact that they have gone out implies that they like each other, at least a little bit.

I have found, however, that between two men it's not as clear. It is not necessarily implied that they like each other and the intentions either of them may have can be misunderstood.

More than once I have found myself on a date but not sure whether it actually is one - I mean, going out with a guy but doubtful about the other guy's intentions. The funny thing is that, more often than not, a bit after the 'date' the other guy says something like 'I had a great time' or 'you're really cute' which kind of quells my fears.

Still, the whole 'who calls whom' and 'how soon' still vex me.

Even more, in Mexico some people tend to think that after going out once or twice you automatically become 'boyfriends' and, therefore, exclusive. While I think that the idea of 'going out' with someone doesn't necessarily mean you will not meet other people in the process...

What I'm trying to say is, while sticking to the traditional dating protocol may work to a point, I believe there are situations dictated by sexual-role-related issues which cannot be overseen or simply taken for granted. It would be really interesting (or perhaps it will even be real soon) to see how the new TV shows, movies or stories in general handle the issue of gay dating. Though, most likely, it will just be a sorry adaptation of the 'straight' protocol.

Looking for a bear prince...(ss?)

Setting aside the issue of masculinity as expressed through mannerisms, way of speaking or clothing, there is another social instance in which people from the bear community (and other gay groups) seem to face; it's something I like to call the 'prince-princess complex'.

While I'm sure that someone else might've already done some research into this, here I just want to publish my own views on the matter.

In Mexico (as in may other countries, but I shall speak of my experience) cheuvanism and 'macho' beliefs are practically burnt into our brains from the moment we are born. Those 'you should's and 'you must's go way beyond what many of us can even imagine. Ideas such as that the guy is the one who pays for dinner, the one who picks the girl up for a date, the one who proposes and the one who makes the first move, are not something we can get rid of easily.

Now, when a guy decides to stay on one extreme, either playing the feminine or masculine role (and let me clarify that this has absolutely nothing to do with appearance, sexual role or any other characteristic rather than simple social interaction) it becomes rather easy, since they need only find someone who feels comfortable playing the other role. However, some of us are caught in the middle and can get confused thinking we want everything!

Once someone asked me whether I wanted to get married, I answered that I did and that I also had high expectations for a marriage proposal... And then, it hit me. I both wanted to be the one holding the ring AND the one receiving it. Odd, huh?

This may sound pretty silly, but I have seen people such as myself who have issues on dates since they both feel the need to pay the bill and a secret longing to be treated. Or even in bed, while sleeping, people who like to wrap their arms around their loved one protectively but, at the same time, feel like they want to be held and pampered.

In the end, of course, it all comes down to us following stereotypes that were not only meant for a heterosexual relationship, but don't even work for them! The prince-princess dilemma imposes specific 'needs' and 'obligations' on each gender, based of course on their sex, regardless of what they might actually want. I mean, who says that there always has to be one person who 'saves' the other one? Why can't it be a reciprocal thing where both help each other in times of need? Who decided that a marriage proposal is necessarily from a 'man to a woman'? Why can't it be something mutual in which both share in that wonderful experience?

I believe part of the issue the bear community has, in Mexico at least, is that it has forgotten that the main idea behind the creation of this group was to avoid discrimination based on stereotypes - NOT to make new ones! The bear community is supposed to show the world that gay men can also (and this is the keyword here, also not instead) be 'masculine'; but I think this should be an inclusive concept, taking into account the aspects that society typically categorizes as feminine and merging them.

Not long ago I heard a report on the fairy tale whose cover I used as illustration for this post. I was really excited about it since I think it's high time these kind of stories become more popular, our social roles and sex-based gender roles need updating... Urgently! 

Knowing when to leave.

This concept has eluded me for years now. I have been in situations where I end up losing just because I either stayed too long or too little. So, when do you know when to leave?

When you date someone almost twice your age who makes less than you do?

When you have an awesome relationship and things are going too well?

When you date someone with a crappy life, help them build a new one and get less than a 'thank you' for it?

When you find an awesome guy who has had too little life experience and needs to live on his own for a while?

When you find yourself being more dramatic than soap operas and swearing you'll "never beg any other man not to leave"?

Have you ever asked yourself this? It doesn't matter if it was during or after the relationship; was there ever a time when you wondered why you were together? ...Or worse, a time when you just assumed there was just no other way?

It's odd how things work out sometimes. In the end, I think you cannot really 'learn' from past relationships because every person is different... And, as much as 'statistics' or any other 'science' tries to prove otherwise, there's no way to predict how the next situation will fare considering previous events.

As I look back, I think I have always 'left' right at the moment I was supposed to; at least, I know I got something from each separation, at least enough to prepare myself for what's to come. I mean, I might not be able to know how the next guy will deal with jealousy or the future, but I will hardly will date another guy whose major aspiration in life is to work at a 7-eleven while I work in a hospital (not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you, I just refuse to play 'bread-winner' or 'problem-solver' -not to say 'daddy'-).

In fact, I have seen this, not only in myself, but in people around me as well: we tend to stick with someone who 'kind-of-works' because we're too afraid there might not be a better option... Or worse, we doubt that 'better option' will even take a second look at us. On this matter, what I have observed is that, people who settle normally can't answer to the question 'why are you with him?' with more than a half-smile (which looks more like some weird frown). And then we're stuck with the ideas of 'oh, but we have built so much together!' or 'but oh, whatever will I/he do without him/me??'. 

I think that the best time to leave is when you cannot find this one simple reason to be with someone: this person makes me happy and we can share our lives together... Of course, this also implies that both parts actually HAVE lives to share, instead of one mushy lump of a half-life built out of whatever was salvaged when they tried to fuse with each other out of sheer desperation and fear of being left alone.

I know for instance that, through time, I have been able to answer the questions I posed at the beginning of this entry...

If your aspirations don't match, there's no way you can build a future together... Unless you're willing to give up yours to take up his.

If you think it's 'too good' then you're probably not ready for it... And if you want to be, you better work to keep it instead of spending valuable energy self-commiserating.

If you want to help someone 'get a new life', you need to consider they already lost one (or more); which probably means they are not that grateful or aware of what they receive to begin with, so what can you expect?

If you're not both at the same stage of your lives, one of you will either have to speed up or slow down; and who has all that time? Unless both reach a compromise, it's really hard.

If you want to be that intense, just remember that love like that is exactly like a raging fire; it'll consume everything until nothing is left... And it will act quickly...

A 'masculine' kind of love.

"Hey asshole, how are you today?" literally means something like "Hey buddy, did you have a good day?"... Also, "you like that? wow, you're really stupid" means "you like that? wow, I haven't heard much or been interested in it because I'm afraid people will think I'm stupid"... Or so it seems...

I've seen this happen a lot among straight men; there is this dire need of using violence and aggression to mask anything which might pass for affection. This comes, of course, from that inherent fear of being judged as "too feminine" or just plain queer.

Now, one thing that supposedly characterizes the bear community is the fact that the men are masculine and virile; this is sometimes understood as 'acting straight' or rather making sure that you keep following the same guidelines they do. And while I admit to having a homophobic part of myself where I don't hang out with guys who are too flamboyant or refer to each other as 'girl' and use feminine pronouns and other similar words while talking to each other, I believe that it is important to evaluate some aspects of our behaviour before we go along with it.

Personally, while not 'big', I do consider myself masculine and pride myself in the fact that I am a man who likes men. This, however, does not stop me from being loving with my friends - I hug them, and try to demonstrate my affection as much as possible. Of course, this is the way I am and I do not intend to say it's the "right way". I just don't understand this tendency to hit someone or call them names when you clearly feel affection for them.  Even more when it's so plain that what they really need is more-obvious affection.

Making fun of someone's interests or something they say, trying to show that you think it's too gay just out of fear because someone else might judge you first is just plain stupid. 

I had a boyfriend who was a big mean-looking bear who was one of the most loving people I've ever met; I remember it was the thing that drew me to him so strongly, someone brave enough to match that masculine appearance without losing the ability of letting those he loved know what he felt for them.

My own conclusion on this topic is that, while it may be 'obvious' that calling your friends names and making fun of them is a way to show them you love them (from the safe side, since you can always deny it), I think it is important to reflect on whether that's really what they need to hear... Moreover, whether that's what you need from them as well.

Of love and... Trust.

What happens when you go back to that kind of relationship teens have? You know, when you just want to be with that person all the time, despite knowing better; when you have that undeniable ache in your chest brought about by the possible redirection of your lover's gaze - also known as jealousy.

I am an adult and a psychologist, so one would expect I could handle these things quite well; after all, I have done it in the past!

It's funny going back to feeling that little ache in my chest. Mostly because today I know, rationally of course, the 'best' way to go about this situation... But I forgot that emotions care little about what my brain says!

In a book I read that one cannot learn to love; this is because we cannot think of every relationship as the following one, much less as a continuation of the previous one. In other words, whatever things you learned in one relationship will be of little use in the next one, mainly because it is not with the same person! So, every affair is like starting all over again. Doesn't that suck? I mean, you can definitely use some of the knowledge you acquired but very rarely will two people react in the exact same way.

Also, considering that the bear community in my country is terribly small - everybody knows everybody - and you cannot date anyone without everyone else noticing, you would think I would have learned that being with someone requires a lot of trust.

I used to think I had become quite sensible when it came to relationships... But the universe saw it fit to show me better.

Now, as I step into the uncertainty I realize that, indeed, experience and logic have absolutely nothing to do with love and relationships.

While there's no way to stop feeling jealousy or fear of losing the object of one's affection, I think that it is possible to enjoy even that. Of course, I don't mean being crazy "stalky" or violent, but rather I believe that a bit of jealousy is quite healthy and helps let the other person know that you really care about them. Moreover, the fear of being at risk means that you are investing something important in the relationship - you cannot lose anything unless you bet it first.

So, these feelings, normally associated with lack of self-confidence, can be put to good use if taken in a positive way, as part of the experience of taking the chance - the universe is reciprocal, if you want to win big, you have got to bet big. 

One-night stands = Bootleg love.

With sex being so available, love has become a luxury item in the market... So to speak... 

I love buying TV series on DVD and take special pleasure in getting the "limited boxed editions" whenever I can lay my hands on them (I swear I have a point, bear it for a bit); of course, this also means that I pay a bit extra and can't buy as many as I might like. However, I do not think this is a bad thing.

Someone convinced me once to get the bootleg versions they sell on the street (which are, of course, way cheaper). The problem I found is that, while the quality of the video might be practically the same, the packaging was really unattractive; also, there comes a point where it was so easy to get them, that I wouldn't really mind which I bought, I'd just get three or four seasons of different series just 'to try and discover new things'.

In the end, I'd hardly watch half of the stuff I'd bought since I wasn't really interested, and the things I did want to see became less important - I would watch them once and put them away somewhere. It's like, if I buy an album by an artist I really like, I listen to the 13+ songs many times, enjoying each one to the fullest... While if I buy a 'discography' on mp3 for 10 pesos, I might listen to one or two songs and forget it exists.

I have found that 'express sex' is pretty much the same thing. At one point, having sex gets to be so easy, it loses meaning; it becomes an activity you do for the pleasure of the moment and it doesn't really matter who the other person is.

When you invest something else in a relationship with someone - and I don't necessarily mean 'true love' -, at least getting to know who you're sharing the bed with. You get to enjoy every moment, discovering something new in things you've done many times before. 

While this might be rather obvious, I have found it's really easy to forget that it can be so much more... That, rather than a one-time experience which will satisfy your immediate desire, it can become something that more than satiates the physical needs, going a bit farther.

Today I think I want to go back to getting the 'special limited edition' when it comes to being with someone... Even if it does require a bigger investment, patience and risk.

Of love and... Desire.

"Love is the yearning of loving and preserving the loved one. A centrifugal impulse; unlike the centripetal desire. It is an impulse towards expansion (...) it implies the impulse of protecting, nurturing, give shelter and caress and pamper, or protect jealously. (...) While 'desire' longs to consume, love wishes to possess. Desire is self-destructive; love, self-preserving." Zygmunt Bauman on "Liquid Love".

Two people meet, like each other and decide they want to know whether they can be compatible on other things besides aesthetics. They talk, laugh and find each other's company pleasant, even satisfactory. As the evening develops, they long to feel the other person and feel a fire whenever there is a surreptitious touch... When they say goodbye, they kiss and realise there is something there...

So, what do they do? Or rather, what can they do? 

This initial connection is a powerful desire which could consume both of them in a blazing fire (which I'm not saying is wrong). But what happens after the flames are gone? After that first attraction fades away and you see the person bare, without the mystery of the unknown that surrounded them. Desire centers one's attention towards itself... Or rather, oneself... Sometimes it takes longer for the blaze to expose what hides beneath, but it never fails. 

If let alone, desire can be too intense and scald the surface of whoever is feeling it, altering their perception and making them too sensitive to what comes afterwards; thus preventing them from exploring the newly discovered individual.

Love, on the other hand, is a feeling of growth; an impetus to become better and improve the one beside you. While Bauman says love is possession, and I agree, I also think it is creation. In a previous entry I talked about the 'admiration' component in a romantic relationship, I think that is what can keep the desire renovating itself; I believe it is a fire centered, not around devouring, but absorbing and making that part of whoever you love, yours.