A 'masculine' kind of love.

"Hey asshole, how are you today?" literally means something like "Hey buddy, did you have a good day?"... Also, "you like that? wow, you're really stupid" means "you like that? wow, I haven't heard much or been interested in it because I'm afraid people will think I'm stupid"... Or so it seems...

I've seen this happen a lot among straight men; there is this dire need of using violence and aggression to mask anything which might pass for affection. This comes, of course, from that inherent fear of being judged as "too feminine" or just plain queer.

Now, one thing that supposedly characterizes the bear community is the fact that the men are masculine and virile; this is sometimes understood as 'acting straight' or rather making sure that you keep following the same guidelines they do. And while I admit to having a homophobic part of myself where I don't hang out with guys who are too flamboyant or refer to each other as 'girl' and use feminine pronouns and other similar words while talking to each other, I believe that it is important to evaluate some aspects of our behaviour before we go along with it.

Personally, while not 'big', I do consider myself masculine and pride myself in the fact that I am a man who likes men. This, however, does not stop me from being loving with my friends - I hug them, and try to demonstrate my affection as much as possible. Of course, this is the way I am and I do not intend to say it's the "right way". I just don't understand this tendency to hit someone or call them names when you clearly feel affection for them.  Even more when it's so plain that what they really need is more-obvious affection.

Making fun of someone's interests or something they say, trying to show that you think it's too gay just out of fear because someone else might judge you first is just plain stupid. 

I had a boyfriend who was a big mean-looking bear who was one of the most loving people I've ever met; I remember it was the thing that drew me to him so strongly, someone brave enough to match that masculine appearance without losing the ability of letting those he loved know what he felt for them.

My own conclusion on this topic is that, while it may be 'obvious' that calling your friends names and making fun of them is a way to show them you love them (from the safe side, since you can always deny it), I think it is important to reflect on whether that's really what they need to hear... Moreover, whether that's what you need from them as well.

Of love and... Trust.

What happens when you go back to that kind of relationship teens have? You know, when you just want to be with that person all the time, despite knowing better; when you have that undeniable ache in your chest brought about by the possible redirection of your lover's gaze - also known as jealousy.

I am an adult and a psychologist, so one would expect I could handle these things quite well; after all, I have done it in the past!

It's funny going back to feeling that little ache in my chest. Mostly because today I know, rationally of course, the 'best' way to go about this situation... But I forgot that emotions care little about what my brain says!

In a book I read that one cannot learn to love; this is because we cannot think of every relationship as the following one, much less as a continuation of the previous one. In other words, whatever things you learned in one relationship will be of little use in the next one, mainly because it is not with the same person! So, every affair is like starting all over again. Doesn't that suck? I mean, you can definitely use some of the knowledge you acquired but very rarely will two people react in the exact same way.

Also, considering that the bear community in my country is terribly small - everybody knows everybody - and you cannot date anyone without everyone else noticing, you would think I would have learned that being with someone requires a lot of trust.

I used to think I had become quite sensible when it came to relationships... But the universe saw it fit to show me better.

Now, as I step into the uncertainty I realize that, indeed, experience and logic have absolutely nothing to do with love and relationships.

While there's no way to stop feeling jealousy or fear of losing the object of one's affection, I think that it is possible to enjoy even that. Of course, I don't mean being crazy "stalky" or violent, but rather I believe that a bit of jealousy is quite healthy and helps let the other person know that you really care about them. Moreover, the fear of being at risk means that you are investing something important in the relationship - you cannot lose anything unless you bet it first.

So, these feelings, normally associated with lack of self-confidence, can be put to good use if taken in a positive way, as part of the experience of taking the chance - the universe is reciprocal, if you want to win big, you have got to bet big. 

One-night stands = Bootleg love.

With sex being so available, love has become a luxury item in the market... So to speak... 

I love buying TV series on DVD and take special pleasure in getting the "limited boxed editions" whenever I can lay my hands on them (I swear I have a point, bear it for a bit); of course, this also means that I pay a bit extra and can't buy as many as I might like. However, I do not think this is a bad thing.

Someone convinced me once to get the bootleg versions they sell on the street (which are, of course, way cheaper). The problem I found is that, while the quality of the video might be practically the same, the packaging was really unattractive; also, there comes a point where it was so easy to get them, that I wouldn't really mind which I bought, I'd just get three or four seasons of different series just 'to try and discover new things'.

In the end, I'd hardly watch half of the stuff I'd bought since I wasn't really interested, and the things I did want to see became less important - I would watch them once and put them away somewhere. It's like, if I buy an album by an artist I really like, I listen to the 13+ songs many times, enjoying each one to the fullest... While if I buy a 'discography' on mp3 for 10 pesos, I might listen to one or two songs and forget it exists.

I have found that 'express sex' is pretty much the same thing. At one point, having sex gets to be so easy, it loses meaning; it becomes an activity you do for the pleasure of the moment and it doesn't really matter who the other person is.

When you invest something else in a relationship with someone - and I don't necessarily mean 'true love' -, at least getting to know who you're sharing the bed with. You get to enjoy every moment, discovering something new in things you've done many times before. 

While this might be rather obvious, I have found it's really easy to forget that it can be so much more... That, rather than a one-time experience which will satisfy your immediate desire, it can become something that more than satiates the physical needs, going a bit farther.

Today I think I want to go back to getting the 'special limited edition' when it comes to being with someone... Even if it does require a bigger investment, patience and risk.

Of love and... Desire.

"Love is the yearning of loving and preserving the loved one. A centrifugal impulse; unlike the centripetal desire. It is an impulse towards expansion (...) it implies the impulse of protecting, nurturing, give shelter and caress and pamper, or protect jealously. (...) While 'desire' longs to consume, love wishes to possess. Desire is self-destructive; love, self-preserving." Zygmunt Bauman on "Liquid Love".

Two people meet, like each other and decide they want to know whether they can be compatible on other things besides aesthetics. They talk, laugh and find each other's company pleasant, even satisfactory. As the evening develops, they long to feel the other person and feel a fire whenever there is a surreptitious touch... When they say goodbye, they kiss and realise there is something there...

So, what do they do? Or rather, what can they do? 

This initial connection is a powerful desire which could consume both of them in a blazing fire (which I'm not saying is wrong). But what happens after the flames are gone? After that first attraction fades away and you see the person bare, without the mystery of the unknown that surrounded them. Desire centers one's attention towards itself... Or rather, oneself... Sometimes it takes longer for the blaze to expose what hides beneath, but it never fails. 

If let alone, desire can be too intense and scald the surface of whoever is feeling it, altering their perception and making them too sensitive to what comes afterwards; thus preventing them from exploring the newly discovered individual.

Love, on the other hand, is a feeling of growth; an impetus to become better and improve the one beside you. While Bauman says love is possession, and I agree, I also think it is creation. In a previous entry I talked about the 'admiration' component in a romantic relationship, I think that is what can keep the desire renovating itself; I believe it is a fire centered, not around devouring, but absorbing and making that part of whoever you love, yours. 

Of love and... Admiration.

Hard as I try, I cannot seem to recall where it was I saw this idea... I know I read it somewhere, though...

Anyway, it was something like this: For love to grow between to people and transcend the mere 'infatuation' stage, there has to be something they admire in each other. When one falls in love with someone, that person seems completely flawless and sent from Heaven; but after a couple of months, half the things you used to find adorable turn out to be annoying, illogical or simply disgusting.

So, how do some couples manage to stay together for so long? Well, some just decide to turn a blind eye towards their issues and take their frustration out by starting senseless arguments; however, there are those who find qualities in their partner which surpass those things they cannot stand. 

Nietzsche once said that for a couple's love to go beyond 'animal attraction' (which is what most people mistake for 'true love' or 'being in love'), they need to be able to create something bigger than what they are together. This could be, but isn't necessarily, a child, of course - and for most people, that's what it is... I mean, in the end, how difficult is it to 'make a child'? Raising it IS tough but by the time you're faced with that problem it's too late to turn back (if you have some decency). 

Therefore, it all comes to knowing that you can learn something from the person you're with; that he or she can make you want to be a better person and inspires you, not only to improve your life together, but also to pursue your own dreams in order to keep providing the relationship with a reciprocal contribution.

So, lately, I have found myself thinking (when I meet someone) "what can I learn from you? is there something you do that I admire?" And I don't mean being wealthy or famous; but simply by being someone who is passionate about something they do - this is, perhaps, the greatest thing a person can do for their lover...

Conversely, I think it is just as important to ask myself daily if the things I do, the life I lead, could provide inspiration or foster admiration in someone else. 

The union of two should be to create something bigger than their combined result. 

Dating

Yeah, the 'D' word... I have always been so bad at it! And now that I'm single, I find myself trying to figure out how one is supposed to do it.

I started 'dating' when I was 15, but I kind of think that didn't really count; however, after I broke up with him, it only took about a month for me to meet my first real boyfriend, whom I was with for a bit over 2 years... After him, I was single for, perhaps, a couple of months before I met my next boyfriend - I think of him as my first life partner. We dated for a while, became 'boyfriends' and lived together for a couple of years... After splitting up, I was single for a couple of months as well, until I started having a long distance relationship with an American bear, who is now my roommate.

Wow, that sounds like some sort of crazy confession, huh? But rather, I see it as a way of setting the background for the topic at hand: I have never been good at dating.

When I go out with someone, I must admit I'm pretty practical. If I feel a connection and we hit it off, then I make time and try to find ways so we can see each other often and find out whether we can turn into something else; if not, well, let's just say I see no point in going forward. Or at least that's what I used to do.

As I dive back into the dating world I realise that, not only do I lack the experience most people seem to have, but apparently I have no natural instincts to show me how to behave. I find the whole process kind of pointless in a way. The idea that you should wait after the first date so as not to seem to eager; the fact that a guy will almost always be way more interested if he thinks you are not; the ambiguity of what each person wants when they meet, etc.

While I do find it kind of exciting and fun for a bit, I think it should be way more simple... Like, you meet and you put the cards on the table, that way nobody wastes anybody's time! 

Ok, fine, I have become kind of unromantic and, apparently, I don't have as much patience for these games as I used to. But I think it's as inconsistent as those people who have profiles on websites where you meet people and say things like "looking for friends and love" on their profile while having pictures of themselves completely naked and bending over; if you're looking for sex, just say it! I think it's silly that, in this day and age, people are still so concerned about being judged for who they are or what they do - mainly concerning their sex life.

So, I have commited to stay single through the end of the year. For the first time in my life, I think I am learning to really enjoy being by myself; focusing on myself, my friends, my job, my studies... I also want to learn all that so popular, and yet obscure to me, dating code. I want to learn when to call, when not to call, the things one is supposed to say and do in order to stay in the game... While I am in it. 

I still believe that it is a pointless game but I want to immerse myself in it for a while... When I tell this to my friends they roll their eyes and say that I'll probably have a new boyfriend by the end of the month... And they might be right! But at least for now, I am willing to take a different approach.

Hmmm... Today's post was a bit all over the place... I guess I just have a lot of ideas in my mind and can't seem to organise them!

So, what do you think about the whole dating game? Are you good at it? How did you learn? ... ... And most importantly... What have you learned?

Some things are best kept as memories - no use in trying to rewrite history.

Sitting on the stage of the bar (since there was no show going at the moment) my jaw dropped as I saw my ex-partner walk by through the sea of people...

Why was I so shocked? Well, this was my first serious boyfriend; we were together for about four and a half years (in total) and lived together for almost two... We had a great relationship and I have always remembered him as the man that made me feel loved and safe. He had this way of hugging me and saying "it'll be all right" that always made me believe it actually would.

So, I had thought of contacting him for the past three years, to see how he was - I guess, in a way, I wanted to salvage some of that relationship I remembered we had... I did text him a couple of times on his birthday and Christmas but, of course, I got no reply.

Anyway, tonight, as I walked towards him I realised that he looked quite different from what I remembered... And yet, he was the exact same person. When he looked at me, his eyes opened wide and he had this look as if he had seen a ghost or something... I said, "hey! how have you been?" and offered my hand as a greeting; he hardly moved, said "fine" and just stared at me. I got the message and walked away... I must say I was shocked and rather confused... I mean, it has been three years! A bit later he walked towards the exit and stood there - when I was on my way out, he gave me an angry look and turned his back to me. So much for the man I remembered!

However, I kind of understand. It can't have been easy for him (I know it wasn't for me); I just figured that what we had could probably evolve into something else. I must admit I still miss him from time to time... Or at least I did. I guess today I can finally move on, knowing that we will probably never talk again. 

A friend told me, not long ago, that we have 'memory so we can have flowers in winter'... And I guess that's the way it should be. The memories of what we had will forever stay in my mind, and some of them actually help me go on when I am in a pinch. 

I know every break up is different. Still, I can't stop thinking of that song "Rewriting History" everytime I think of him... Or rather, I couldn't - today I think that has finally become another chapter in my life.. A chapter that I will cherish as a memory and will not chase or try to bring back anymore.

What do you think? Is it easy for you to stay friends with someone you were romantically involved with?

Of love and like and lust...

Someone posted on Facebook the other day the following quote "The difference between lust, like and love is the same as that between 'for now', 'for a while' and 'forever'". While I think this is very romantic and awarded no less than an "awwwww" the moment I read it, I have my doubts as to whether one can put such feelings in a hierarchy as if one was a consequence of the other. 

I think of 'liking' someone as that feeling of attraction in which you want to know more about the other person, you are interested in learning the way they think, sharing the things they like and, generally, just being with that person; lust is when you find someone you have good 'chemistry' with and all you want is to get in that person's pants to enjoy the pleasures of the physical realm; and, finally, I believe that love is creation, when you want to be with someone in order to create something extraordinary - when you know you admire something in the other person and they see something worthy of being admired in you as well. I believe that love transcends the union of the two and becomes something bigger than both of them together - be it a child, a project or just the creation of a new life.

Some time ago, I remember reading an extract from Octavio Paz's "El laberinto de la soledad" ("The labyrinth of solitude) where he discussed this topic with some interesting insights. In the mexican culture (as, I think, in many others) the difference between 'love' and 'lust' is normally related to the dichotomy between seeing a woman as a prostitute or as a mother. Whilst the former can be seen as an object of pure sexual desire and someone with whom you can enjoy your deepest and darkest erotic fantasies (with no remorse or fear of judgment), the latter represents a completely opposite set of values and morals which get in the way of the previously listed ideas - mind you, I don't mean your 'own' mother, but once that person has your child, they immediately are recognized more as a mum than as a wife.

In other words, when you meet someone you feel attracted to, it is normal to have your libido at its peak, finding it easy to explore and enjoy each other's company and body. However, when the relationship takes a step forward and the individual's role evolves into a more 'nurturing' and 'caring' companion-type, it is hard for both concepts to co-exist. 

Of course, this is not always true, there are couples where their sex life evolves at the same pace as their companion-role and it becomes an experience of deep connection and intimacy... Though I find it hard to believe that most people are able to keep that flame of the unexpected curiosity alive. It is said that there comes a point where, either subconsciously or not, one starts to think of the spouse, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. as 'family'... And one doesn't fuck one's family, right? 

These are just some ideas I find quite interesting since they can be the root of a lot of relationships which feel like their interaction is changing and cannot seem to figure out how.

Labeling Love

Say you meet someone, you like him or her, you go out with them and, one day, they ask: "so, what are we?" 

Isn't that an odd question? The first thing that pops into my head is "umm... gay? men? human beings?"... Of course, this is nowhere near being the right answer.

I decided to blog about this topic not because I feel like I know the answer and the terms by which one decides to take whatever step; but rather because I have absolutely no idea!

I had my first real relationship at 18 with a guy who was about 12 years older than me. I say 'real' because I had dated someone before but I could hardly call that a relationship... I might blog about it at some point, though. Anyway, I remember what it was like, being 'in love' for the first time: I was so excited and anxious at the same time; I kept thinking "does he really like me? is this going anywhere? am I doing things the way it's supposed to be?". My own insecurity drove me to be very clingy and needy with this guy, calling him all the time, being too 'nice' and giving too much. Now, this guy didn't mind all the attention, in fact I believe he liked it; but he did not reciprocate at all... At the time I thought of this as 'lack of interest' (which only made me try harder); I mean, why wouldn't he call me too and tell me he loved me as much as I did? And why wouldn't he come pick me up and take me out to nice places like I did? 

That was quite a few years ago and now I see it in quite a different way. I 'invested' all that time, interest, effort and affection because I wanted to do it, and he was not, in any way, obliged to reciprocate in the same way. I am sure he did things to show me he loved me, but I was too busy worrying about what I wanted to see them. Something else that I failed to understand at the time was that he had no way of knowing what I was expecting since I didn't tell him! I still had that fairy-tale mind where the couple understands each other perfectly without words - which is nice in theory, but very rare in real life.

With my next boyfriend I had a similar situation, though I was a bit less demanding and a lot better at asking for the things I needed. However, there was a problem, since he was a lot older than me (22 years, I think) he was very hesitant to having a relationship with me. We went out for a while and a couple of months later I asked him if we were boyfriends or what... He got all nervous and said he didn't see why we needed to put a label on our relationship, he said he hadn't been going out that long and we were having a good time. I was vexed by this and could only stand it for so long. A month later, I think, he gave in a bit and decided we would say we were "almost-boyfriends". It wasn't long until he agreed to being 'boyfriends' and could be introduced as such; mind you, we had met each other's families in the first month and had been going to all the family events together. 

Thinking back, this whole thing makes me laugh and kind of nostalgic at the feelings I had at the time. That rush of adrenaline at not knowing what would happen and the naïve idea that I could, somehow, hurry things along in order to have a 'long-lasting' relationship. 

Still, don't get me wrong, I do believe that language seriously affects the way we behave and relate to other people; I think that two people who have a commitment can easily call each other 'boyfriends' or 'partners' in order to recognize it in front of other people AND with each other. But the point I'm trying to make is that, while both things kind of go together, they aren't necessarily a consequence of each other. 

I think that when two people meet and decide to get to know each other better, things have to flow along naturally. Labeling a relationship will not necessarily help the commitment grow stronger or stay steady; I think that as the two people grow to love each other these things are really implied and just happen. One day you wake up and realize that what you have is beyond just going out, it is more than just being friends or screwing around. And the commitment is just there. I believe it is very important to let the other person know where you are so they know where they are standing and, at the same time, so you can know what to expect.

Today, while I still consider the 'name' of the relationship to be an important issue, I know it's something that just comes along with time. 

What do you think? When do you know your relationship has reached 'another level'?

New love can never be as good as the one to come afterwards...

"The sudden abundance and apparent availability of love experiences (...) can make one believe that the ability to love grows with the accumulated experience and that the next 'love' will be and even more stimulating experience than the current one - though not as exciting and fascinating as the one to come after the next one"... Or so Mr. Zygmunt Bauman says in his book 'Liquid Love'.

This book was given to me by a dear friend since he knows that, as a psychologist, I'm very interested in the way relationships develop and evolve through time, as well as in the different ways society is changing. Little did I know, this book would have so many interesting ideas and such a deep insight into the way marketing and the media have transformed the idea of 'love'.

So, reflecting a bit on the quote I roughly translated above, I was thinking about how, in a way, the real thing can never beat the fantasy of what could be... And in our society of disposable everything, it's quite easy to get caught in that idea... This takes me back to the first time I fell in love with someone who felt the same way for me. It was that magical, Disney-movie-love, that makes everything seem right even though it may not be. He was like 21 years older than me or something like that and very reluctant to have a relationship with someone so young. At the time, I thought him mad for allowing such a petty detail get in the way of us being together. I didn't understand his point of view at all and did everything I could to prove him wrong - granted, I have been around people who are older than me all my life so it wasn't that difficult. Thus, being an economically-independent 19-year-old student, I found my way into his heart little by little. We were together for about four and a half years and lived together about 18 months. We had a great relationship and we complemented each other quite well; of course, we had our differences but what couple doesn't? Sometimes I think back and recall how, when I felt lost and frustrated, he had a way of hugging me and saying "everything will be okay" that really convinced me it was so.

So, what went wrong, you ask? Ah, it's quite simple. I was young and stupid. Hehehehe...

Towards the end of the relationship I started feeling the age-difference (or so I believed) issues... I began feeling like I wanted to go out and meet people, dance, go out for the weekend to some place just to be out of the city... Be spontaneous. He didn't want this. I felt like that Abba song 'One of us': "I saw myself as a concealed attraction, I felt you kept me away from the heat and the action".

I started thinking about the possibilities a new relationship could bring. Someone I could love and who would love me back, besides being compatible with me in these ways. 

Now, after reading this book, and in my current situation I understand this idea of love being similar to technology... In our current fast-moving world, we are immersed in a society in which everything is disposable and the idea of a long-lasting product was lost years ago, since the 'new and updated version' will be available in a short time. What I mean is, today I realize that I couldn't see how much that relationship gave me because of the expectations of what 'could be'.

The romantics and others who share their ideas will probably be appalled by my crude and 'cold-hearted' similes, but this is just my perception, not the gospel truth... 

This also goes along with something else Bauman says which is that, lately, the notion of  "till death do us part" has become old-fashioned... And this has had important implications on 'love'; it has made the requirements for an experience to be defined as 'love', much simpler... It also means that it's not that more people qualify to be 'good potential partners' but rather that we have lowered the standards for them to be just that - I mean, since one no longer thinks about a life-long partner, then it doesn't matter if he or she is not perfect, right? Also, it means that, if this one doesn't work, it's not like I need to get married right away, those standards have also changed and I can just date whoever I want for as long as it's convenient. This is, of course, a double-edged sword because, while it gives you more freedom, it also makes it harder to appreciate the one thing you do have.

I think this is all, in a way, sad. I remember the days when I fell in love thinking "this is the one I will be with for life" and believed it was the only way it could be. Today I wonder if that is still a feasible idea in a world like ours. 

Today I can see that I have been caught in this 'modern' lifestyle in which it's too easy to get what you think you want, despite sacrificing what you need.

Any thoughts on this? Do you think we have lowered our standards about what we call 'love'?

Back to mono... gamy... Is it possible?

Ok, so I've never really been in an open relationship, much less a polyamorous one - in fact, I think I might be too jealous to do it; however, with my ex we had an arrangement where we would admit a third as long as it was the two of us together.

Still, after we broke up, I dated some people casually and enjoyed the pleasures of being able to do whatever I wanted - this led me to the idea that, perhaps, I was ready to try a more modern kind of lifestyle. Would it be possible for me to actually separate the sexual and affective components of relationships?

Well, I still don't know the answer to that question. Nevertheless, recently I was presented with a situation which would mean going back to being completely monogamous... So... Ouch...

I mean, taking the step from being faithful to one person to fooling around with other people is not that hard... But going back?

As I was pondering this question, I, of course, started listing the pros and cons of the situation. On the one hand, I believe it really promotes a deeper connection between the two people, there is more of a romantic, idealistic tint to the relationship and it is way safer. On the other hand, you only have sex with one person... Now, don't get me wrong, I think that growing to love someone and enjoying intimacy with them is an experience that (takes time, obviously and) can't be beaten; but I also think it's true that we humans are not built to be monogamous. In the days when sex was all about reproduction and making little heirs, of course it was vital to make sure the baby was your own, and yet I think that there is way more to it.

Another factor that I think is very important to consider is questioning this custom; asking yourself if you want to be monogamous because YOU really want it or if it is because that is the way you were brought up.

Personally, I went through this process and discovered that, while it is mostly because that's what my parents (and the media) taught me, I still think there is some value to that commitment.

I am, evidently, still considering the option... In fact I am reading a book on modern relationships which I really want to talk about here... I hope I get a chance to do it soon.

So, what do you think? Can one be monogamous after trying the alternatives?

Pride 2011 (Night) - or bears don't dance.

And I'm back! Again, thanks to all of you who have been checking my blog out despite the lack of updates!

So, the night of pride (yeah, like a month ago or something like that) we went to this 'bear event' organised by bearmex - which is practically the only option for people who want to be in a bear-like environment.

It was in a very popular club called 'Living' which normally has a very different scene - snobbish. The place itself was actually pretty good; rather big and with really cool music. 

As the night went by, more and more bears showed up until it got quite packed (as you can see in the pic)!! I like these parties because I get to see people from out of town, including guys from other countries. The environment is also nicer because, normally, the bears who go to the bars are like striking a pose, but in these events, they seem to relax and let themselves be.

The Mr.Bearmex contest was really interesting, with some singing, some dancing, some stripping, some odd poetry-like shows and Adam Champ (woof!)...

But just before all that madness started, I was looking at the dance floor from the 2nd floor and I saw a bear getting on a platform-like thing and start dancing. Everybody went crazy for a bit, cheering him on; however, that's when I realised that, before, no one had been dancing or even moving to the music - everyone had been just standing there chatting with people (if they were in a group) or just looking around. 

Now, a couple of months ago I, reluctantly, went to a straight bar to celebrate one of my students' birthday and noticed something similar. I remember how nobody at the place was dancing except for us (the gays); they were all just standing there, looking pretty... Or something like that. That day, I complained about the place because I said I was used to going out to have fun and not just sit around doing nothing.

I guess it doesn't just happen there. Still, I do wonder why it was like that. I mean, I have seen bears at regular bars or clubs and they dance quite a bit! But, for some reason, when they are at the bear-oriented events, everyone is like trying to be cool and not move much... 

Still, it was a fun night. 

How do bears celebrate Pride where you live??

Pride 2011 (Daytime)

Lots of people, lots of music, lots of gay... And lots of bears! I always say, the best thing about Pride is that we have a lot of amazingly hot bears coming from other parts of Mexico and quite a few foreigners!

... I know, I know, that's not the point of Pride. Still, I think some people focus a bit too much on the idea that it's losing its political objectives; actually, I think that the main idea stays the same, even if (and I agree with this) the way it's presented is getting a bit too crude. 

In fact, I went to a family thing on Saturday after Pride and, when mentioning that I was leaving early since we were meeting some friends to go to a club, one of my cousins made a few comments that kind of threw me off balance.. Evidently, she thinks that the second I meet up with my friends we all call and refer to each other as "girl".  This came as a shock because I have never done that... And I don't mean that as passing judgment on those who do, I'm just saying that it's a common mistake when generalising what gay men do.

This is where I think Pride can make a difference, there are soooooo many kinds of people that it really shows the diversity of our community. 

Unfortunately, I had to work most of the day and I got there quite late... I only stayed for an hour or so before it started raining so I don't have many pictures or much to say about it. 

But at night... Well... I saw some pretty interesting things that night which I will talk about on my next post... 

Till then, what do you think about the Pride Parade? Is it losing its political objectives and positions? Has it become just a carnival for the gays to go out and party? And, does it matter?

The day I really stopped playing 'straight' - Part 2

I know, it took forever! But here's the second part of the story...

So, the music was playing, people were dancing the night away and I was pondering what to do next... When my cousin came back to the table I asked her to dance with me and my companion to dance with my mother; as we were dancing, both my mother and cousin asked me why I wasn't dancing with my 'date'. "Because it's not MY WEDDING!" I snapped back at them... They looked at each other, puzzled, and answered "so?". Then my cousin had an idea, she said "I'll just ask the people at our table to get up and dance and we'll make a circle, will that make you less nervous?" I said yes and she proceeded to carry out the plan.

It was fun and interesting, the DJ was playing nice upbeat music and we were having a great time; we were soon joined by the newlyweds and some other family members... A few songs later, the group got sort of separated, my companion and I were left dancing next to each other (technically not with each other) close to the center of the dance floor when it happened. The DJ decided to switch from dancey-club music to salsa - which set me in a  decisive moment: go back to the table or take a chance and dance with him. 

We both stopped on our tracks and looked at each other with a what-do-we-do look; for a second I felt terrified, with an urge to run away... But I realised it was an excellent opportunity. So, I gave him my hand (remember I can't lead) and he looked at me, baffled, and asked "are you sure??", I shrugged and smiled - so, we started dancing.

I must say, I'm not a great dancer myself, so it added to the awkardness of the situation. As we danced, I looked around a bit and did notice some people staring - so I decided to stop worrying and just enjoy the night. 

It was a great feeling... A feeling of achievement... Here I was, making a statement: "This is me". Somebody told me once that it's easier when people know that you're gay since that way you know who's on your side and who isn't. It couldn't have been more true. I expected my uncle (the one who got married) to say something or give me a hard time about it... But he didn't. In fact, he even asked me to sing them a song as a wedding present - which made me feel he was completely comfortable with the whole situation. Another uncle, who I hadn't told since he's kind of cheuvanistic, came up to me before he left to say goodbye, hugged me unusually tight and said to my cub companion: "it was nice meeting you, hope to see you again soon" and hugged him - I was completely in awe. 

Of course, there were others who hardly even looked at me the rest of the night but, to be honest, it didn't bother me. I was so happy to see that those I actually care about were so accepting.

The rest of the evening went by quite smoothly. At the table I felt free to hug the cub I was with and just be myself. 

At the end of the night, the cousin who convinced and helped me to take the leap of dancing with a man in a non-gay setting asked me how I felt, when I said I was actually quite happy she said "See? It's just your paranoia, nothing happened!" I hugged her and thanked her for her help... But she was wrong... Something did happen. Somehow, doing that helped me not only feel more comfortable with who I am, but also realise how important it is to take a stand. I wouldn't say I am a stereotypical gay man so I believe this helps break some misconceptions people have about gay people... I mean, the guy I was dancing with is unusually tall and has a full beard - I know most of the people in that hall thought gay men were all queeny and feminine.

This was hard and it took time for me to have the courage to do it, but I believe that if more people dare to be themselves no matter where they are, it will make it easier for those who come after us... 

The day I really stopped playing 'straight' - Part 1

A couple of years ago, I went to the wedding of a friend's friend... At this event, we (the 'gays') were asked to be 'discrete', which wasn't difficult since we were not with our respective partners and we simply had to sit, watch, eat and wait it out. However, there was this other gay couple, a friend of the bride's, who had a few too many drinks... Now, I don't mean to sound classist but it is relevant to say it was in a sort of poor neighborhood with very conservative people. Anyway, at one point this couple of boys started arguing about something we couldn't quite make out, until one of them tried to storm out of the wedding; it was then that it happened. As he was stomping his way through the dance floor, his boyfriend caught up with him and they exchanged a few words... Then they started dancing together. I was quite surprised by this development and, sadly, not a half hour after this, everybody left, offended and indignant... I must say it was rather tragic to see the bride crying and the two boys apologizing for what had happened.

This memory came back to me last Friday since I was invited to my uncle's wedding... I found myself not wanting to go and I couldn't figure out why. This uncle knows I am gay and has met (and actually hired) my ex-boyfriend; he has told me he doesn't completely understand but that he loves me and accepts who I am. Nevertheless, this was a Catholic wedding in a church and my whole family (most of whom I hardly ever talk to and I am only out officially to three people out of, like, 30) was invited. As uneasy as I felt, I decided that I was being silly and went. The invitation was, originally, for my ex and I but, since we broke up, I ended up taking a friend (guy) of mine as my 'date'.

When we arrived at the place (a very fancy hall downtown) it hit me: I was the only (out) gay man among 300 people... Or rather 150 straight couples. I felt so out of place and... Odd... I am a very affectionate person and in this setting I felt limited.

The evening went okay until the dancing began; I have the disadvantage that most of my boyfriends have been taller than me and, therefore, I have only been led while dancing; I don't know how to dance with a girl! The guy I went with is an amazing dancer and I hated having both of us staring at the people having a good time. My cousin saw me and asked me why we didn't get up and dance; after giving her a disapproving glance I said "yeah, and freak out the family and have them shun me out completely?". She scoffed at me and pranced off to the dance floor with her boyfriend...

As I watched them go, a video I had seen earlier just flashed before my eyes... I realized that, while I might have been the only gay man out at the wedding, it didn't necessarily mean there weren't any others feeling the same way... Also, I thought about how different my life would have been 10 years ago if I had seen two men dancing at a public event... It would have filled me with hope and pride - whether I would have joined them or not...

Here is the video I was talking about... I will write the second part of my experience on my next entry... But tell me, what are your thoughts on this topic? Have you ever felt like this? If so, did you do or did you want to do something about it? 

A wolf among... Women!?!?

As I go through my break-up saga, I found myself today in a very unusual situation - surrounded by women.
Let me explain, for some reason, all my friends are men (and mostly bears, at that) and I hardly hang out with any women at all! But today, while in class, my teacher and one of my classmates enquired about the origin and development of my situation; this went from me talking about my predicament of where to live to our teacher sharing her own story of love and drama.
While this was going on, I came to a shocking discovery (at least to me!). I have always taken pride in being a good listener (in the end, it's part of both my jobs) but I had never thought about the fact that I'm not a very good talker.
My own part in the discussion was quite brief but this was in no way their fault; I realised that I am quite practical and go straight to the point, trying to make things as concise as possible - which would be all nice and well except that I am not discussing what I might have for lunch! I realised that women actually listen and are interested in knowing how you FEEL.
I came to the astonishing conclusion that, among my friends, we do talk about how we feel for like 10 minutes and then we get down to the practical part of the issue... I am so not used to talking about being angry and all that crap - which does not mean I don't need it!
I guess I have underestimated the value of a friendship with a girl. Odd, huh?
Also, in Mexico we don't normally have fag hags... At least not as much as in other countries. But that will be a topic for some other post!

Chemical Heartbreak - Or why the F*** won't it stop hurting?

Have you ever felt like those scientists researching black holes should be looking inside your chest to take some samples? Or that odd feeling like you cannot breathe or you are just not breathing enough? Yep, I have felt all that too. In fact, I am going through it right now! Which, of course, prompted me to do some research on the topic.

Now, I am a very rational person and, to my mind, I should be able to modulate or help ease the pain of breaking up; I mean, it's not like I lost the person or anything like that - and it is certainly not like I'm sick! ... ... ... Or is it?

It is true that there are many neurotransmitters that are affected by this sudden change in one's world (thought it's rarely THAT sudden... But I'll get to that on some other post), but I have found something called 'Takotsubo (octopus vase) Cardiomyopathy' or "Broken Heart Syndrome" (and yes, it is a picture of a woman, but just imagine it has no breasts and something extra... Unless, of course, you are a woman, in which case... Well... You get the point). Sure, this is a whole other level of heartbreak - it can even kill you. And it IS more related to the acute stress felt by emotional issues... But still, it made me think about how our body resents the blow of losing someone you love.

A friend of mine once asked me if I knew why we felt pain in our hearts when we had problems related to love or emotions in general... Then he explained (of course I had no idea and he just wanted to show off, but still I liked what he said) that he thinks it is because the ache we feel is really strong... And if we were to feel it in our brain (also, this is stupid since the brain has no pain receptors, but let me finish with what he said) and hurt it, we could not recover from it; a stroke is way more damaging than a heart attack (he said).

Whether this is what God or whoever was thinking when he decided to give us this treat, I have no idea; what I do know is that it freakin' sucks!

It also lets me know that there is, indeed, very little one can do to avoid or speed up the process of healing a broken heart. Meditation has worked for me lately... WHILE I am meditating, later it just comes back. 

I think that there is no way to end a relationship so it doesn't hurt - no matter if it was a 'nice' break up where both parties agreed and stayed amicable  or if it was a scream-and-tear-your-clothes kind of break up... There is nothing to help it but time. 

Breaking up versus tearing each other apart.

Hey guys. Well, here I am. Single now. Ever been there? Yeah, it sucks... And yet, I've had it way worse.

So, I've been living with my boy- Ugh, I guess it's 'ex-boyfriend' now - for about a year and a half, almost two years. Still, over the past few weeks we realised that we were slowly detaching... We have crazy work schedules and many other factors which I will NOT discuss here. 

I was expecting a big drama (and we did have it, I cried like a little baby for a couple of days) and today we finally broke up. Funny thing was, we are still living together. I know what you're thinking: "What? Are you insane?" And I might just be.

We decided that we could... What's the word... Salvage the good things about 'us'. We were talking and we agreed that just suddenly disappearing from each other's lives was too much... And, perhaps, unnecessary - So, I moved to the other room we have.

I understand the consequences this might have... Both positive or negative. But isn't it insane that most people, or at least I do, think that breaking up ALWAYS has to mean to literally rip that person off your heart? I mean, it is true that it's difficult to go from one kind of relationship to another but I think that if two people really love each other, neither wants the other to get hurt!

I believe that people can create their own version of whatever they have to live - we are so used to seeing TV drama-like break ups that anything else seems impossible and unthinkable.

I do not claim that this will be a successful plan, but I think it is worth a try. If it works, I'll not have lost a lover, I'll have won a great friend... If it doesn't work, well it was going to end up like that anyway, so I'm willing to take the chance.

What do you think? Have you ever tried any alternative breaking up methods?

Before cooking the perfect relationship, don't you have to know what your favourite ingredients are first?

Wow, it has been A WHILE since I last wrote something on here, huh? Glad to see you guys are still checking it out every now and then!

Now, on to today's topic...

I've been carrying out an investigation on polyamorous relationships and I have found out some very interesting things... And, although I will not post them here until I am finished, I have come across some ideas that have definitely got me thinking.

When I was little, I, perhaps as many of us have, dreamt of a romantic disney-movie-like love story; of course, as I grew a bit older, it got a bit more explicit, no longer PG-13... But still with the same ending! A life with someone special I'd love more than anything in the world, both of us doing what we love and earning enough to have a place to live and enjoy our lives. Perhaps, some time later, we'd adopt a child and raise him or her into an amazing person... But, what happens when the fairy tale doesn't quite work out? Worse still... What happens when you realise that this fairy tale is not the ONLY possibility?

As I was interviewing one of the participants in the study I mentioned before, I realised that, very often, people like me just accept that we want this or that idea just because that's the way we have been taught all our lives... Like, how can you possibly consider that, say, chocochip cookies might not be your favourite flavour ever when it is the only thing you have eaten all your life?

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I want to rush into a non-traditional relationship just because I met a couple of people who have tasted other flavours in the fridge... But, rather, it has got me thinking about how judgmental we (and, by 'we', I mean 'I') can be. When I met one of the participants (about 7 years ago) and he told me of his relationship (where they are a couple who will, every now and then, have a third boyfriend they get emotionally involved with... or perhaps each of them might have a different boyfriend on the side as well), I was beyond shocked! How could that possibly be? Love is ONLY between two people who share absolutely EVERYTHING!! In fact, they are supposed to be SO "meant to be" that there is only ONE person in the WHOLE WORLD that is right! Oh, but that's fine, they'll break up and have so many issues they'll surely regret it! ... ... ... Or at least that's the way I thought before. Today, they have been together for 10+ years and are happy as can be, sharing a life and planning a future that fulfills them both.

Does this mean I want to do it too? Not really. To me this only means that having a relationship with someone is like cooking your favourite dish (not that I do it that often, but it's the first example I could think of... Perhaps I'm hungry?), someone gives you the recipe the first time but, when you taste it, it is rarely as good as you wish it were... At that point you have two options: you either stick to that recipe or take a chance and modify it. The latter will certainly disappoint you a few times, it might even make you sick or blow up your kitchen... But when you find it, the moment you know which ingredients make your favourite dish perfect... Well, I guess it's all worth it!

Is that the happy ending we were all hoping for? Perhaps... Of course, eating the same dish might get boring with time... And, when that happens, you just need to modify the recipe again! 

"Till death do us part" he said... But I'm not that patient...!

This is a topic I hadn't thought of until today. I mean, on the one hand it is very common... You know how most things nowadays have to be updated like every other week in order to catch up to our fast-moving lives? I mean, you buy a computer or software and, the second you walk out the store, the new one is already out! However, I had not considered how this can be applied to the very important issue of relationships and commitment.

Last year, while attending a conference on sexuality and gender studies, one of the experts commented that the idea of 'marrying someone for love' is quite new, about 100 years old; before that, people saw it as a way to obtain material gain and/or mantain/improve their social status - it was just a contract. 

And still, today people have this illogical idea that marriage is and always has been based on love, since the dawn of mankind! Absurd!

On the other hand, I must admit that, deep down, I too dream of the fairy tale ending and a 'happily ever after' - mind you, I have come to terms with the idea that it is more important to have a stable life than a wild passionate romance that lasts an eternity... But what does that mean? 

Until like a few hundred years ago people lived to be around 40 or 50 tops... By the time you turned 20 you were already halfway to the other side... But now, if you marry someone when you're, say, 27... You might have to be with them about 60 more years! I really don't think this contract was devised for such circumstances...

One of my teachers was telling me about a theory which says that the new generations will have about 4 stable partners (I won't go into the details of why, of course...): One to experiment and discover what it's like to be with someone; one to have children or create something with; one to have fun in a mature way; and finally, one who you will be with till you're old and die. The interesting thing is not whether this is true or not, but rather how we have no idea what relationships will be like in a few years! I mean, that already sounds to me like you get an iBoyfriend and in a couple of months you either upgrade this one or get a new model altogether! 

This is not necessarily a bad thing, of course. I think it is quite sensible to be able to know whether you are happy with the person you are with and be mature enough to accept that it might end in a different way than the "happily ever after", and act accordingly... While the alternative is staying together forever because divorce equals sin and you'd rather live in hell here but get a wonderful afterlife...

A long time ago I heard a priest say that the whole "till death do us part" had been modified to accommodate the needs of a specific time (when they didn't want people getting divorced) despite the original idea being "till the death of love do us part" or something like that... Which is a much more reasonable clause...

In my opinion, these changes are the inevitable evolution of relationships in an ever-changing world and must be taken according to what each individual needs... As long as all the participants are informed and agree, I think they can lead their lives as they please... What do you think?

It's all in how you take it... It doesn't have to hurt!

I have heard words like 'faggot' and 'queer' countless times (ironically not usually directed at me, even when walking on the street holding hands with my bear) and I am hardly surprised or offended. In fact, I have come to terms with most terms and have no problems with them.

A long time ago, when my sister was around 13 or 14, she came home crying one day and said she was very angry 'cause in her school someone said I was a homo... I looked her in the eye, smiled and said: "Well, I am. And you have known that for a while too." I will never forget the expression on her face when she realised it was true and said "oh, right!" - she didn't have any more problems since then.

Funny how this works, huh? I think that, although most of these terms are intended as an offense, it depends on how we take them. When someone says stuff like "pillow-biter" or it's opposite, I just think "well, yeah! Sometimes. So?". I can't help but picture myself calling a heterosexual man something like "pussy-lover!" - they would probably smile and say "hell yeah!".

Why can't we be proud of our own sexuality and start learning to accept it ourselves? I think it's quite ironic that we complain about people rejecting and judging us when the real problem is in how we take things... Most gay men know that if it hurts, you're most likely doing it wrong! 

Being 'too gay' - What does that really mean?

Lately I have been thinking about this topic. I needed to get some new clothes and couldn't decide on where to go... Should I go somewhere fashionable or a place with more neutral clothes? Is wearing bright colours too much or is it odd to wear flannel shirts most of the time? 

While pondering on this topic I went on a designer's website and was terrified by the main page: a boy(?) wearing a flowery pink 'suit', a low-cut (WTF?) t-shirt (which looked more like a blouse) and a really thin scarf-type-thing around his neck... I, of course, decided against looking for anything fashion-related ever again. 

Still, this kind of judgement might have gone a bit too far, I mean it's not like we always have to stick to extremes... But where is the happy queer medium when it comes to what you wear? 

Also, what is the problem with being 'too gay'? I myself have come to realise I have this conflict when I hear people saying my 'gayness' shows a little... And it makes me uncomfortable and a bit too self-conscious - even though I always pride myself in the fact that I'm happy with my sexuality!

I don't really have a 'conclusion' on this topic right now... But I know I will definitely not walk around wearing clothes that make people wonder whether I have a twin sister I share my clothes with!

Lays - you can't have just one... Oops, did I miss the apostrophe?

This week I was preparing a questionnaire for a study on polyamorous relationships when I proposed to use the following item: "I have had less than 5 sex partners in the last..." - and here is where it got interesting... My research partner said "two years?" and I said "what? I was going to say 2 months!"

That's when I had a slight epiphany on two things: one, I spend all my time with gay men and thus have lost the grip on the idea that there are other kinds of lifestyles; two, straight people don't have nearly as much sex as we do... 

This might sound silly to some people, but then I wondered how many of my friends can still count the people they have had sex with? I mean, this girl knew the exact number (I'm sure she knows names and all). Personally, I can still remember (almost) all of them since I wasn't that active until a short time ago... But I can sense that soon it'll be impossible (and pointless) for me to try to list them.

Now, although I agree that women in general (at least in the straight world) tend to be more... reserved... about who they sleep with, I think it's way more than that. We were discussing this and we agreed that with men it's really just sex and nothing more... It's like "hey, you're hot, wanna do something?" "ok" and that's that.

I haven't had the chance to ask my friends directly how many people they think they have slept with but a couple of them gave me enough information by answering: "like, in the last week? or month?"

I'm not really interested in getting all philosophical here about the topic but it does get one to think... How does this change the way men interact? Does this mean it's harder for us to connect on that level or do we do other things that require that intimacy?

So, perhaps you won't feel like exposing yourself but... How many have you jumped in the sack with?

A whole new meaning to "Hanky" Panky - The Hanky code in the leather community

A couple of weeks ago, I was reminded of this topic in one of our parties. See, in Mexico, most 'traditions' related to the bear or leather community are literally non-existent, so I was quite surprised to see that one of our bear friends had a red handkerchief in his right side... Now, in the leather community this would mean he is a fisting bottom... Of course, when we told him, he had absolutely no idea of what it meant and was quite shocked by it - he obviously removed it immediately.

Anyway, the interesting point is how in this country a lot of people may talk about how they are part of this or that group without really even knowing what it is about. I remember when I went to D.C. to visit my current boyfriend, he took me to this leather-store where I saw these little cards with a bunch of colours and what they represented. It went something like this:

Left back pocket - Top

Right back pocket - Bottom

Black - S&M

Red - Fisting

Dark Blue - Anal sex

Light Blue - Oral sex

Yellow - Watersports

Brown - Scat

Green - Hustler*

Orange - Anything, anytime.

Purple - Piercing*

Gray - Bondage

(*I'm not really sure about these ones, I lost my card and I got these from Wikipedia... The others I think are correct, though).

My bear then explained how there were all these codes that people actually used in the community... Then I remembered this very famous bar in Mexico City called "Tom's Leather Bar". Now, this place is probably as hardcore as it gets... And nothing really happens. It's basically a bar (where nobody is wearing leather or anything like it) with a back room where people go to mess around. There is nothing there that even remotely resembles a 'community'.

Now, while I don't actually think I could get into this world, I think it's pretty cool to have this form of communication, it somehow makes it feel more like an actual group in which you can really feel like you belong.

Note: I found a more detailed list here, if you are interested http://www.cuffs.stuorg.iastate.edu/?p=199

Happy VD!! Hope you have a great one!! ...BTW I meant Valentine's day!

Those initials can stand for so many things... Like, there is a gay club in Mexico called "VD+"... Happily most people remain oblivious to its most common meaning... I can't help but laugh whenever people say "It's only a hundred pesos to get into VD+"... 

So, a friend of mine posted on Facebook something like "this weekend it's not about finding Mr. Right, but about finding someone to spend Valentine's with!" I don't think he could have said it any better.

How many people go out desperate to find someone to share this 'so-called' special day with? Don't get me wrong, I am a total prey to marketing events and things like this just make me go crazy and buy romantic crap. But, what are the side-effects and dangers of this quest?

I know a lot of clubs organise VD related events... And how often do people just hook-up because they feel even more lonely on this day? Hell, how often do they settle for people they wouldn't even look at on a different date?

This got me thinking about how honest people are about their own VD... Yes, this time I mean the nasty VD!

I have been lucky enough to meet people who are very up front about having anything... But through my education and vicarious knowledge I have learned that you can get lots of stuff without even knowing it... Or do you always check the other person's body for any sign of infection? There are things that aren't obvious, you know? And in the heat of the moment, really, most people are already sucking cock before even taking their pants off... Let alone inspecting it beforehand (pun intended).

So, this weekend go, eat, drink, play... But remember that, most likely, this is just for this weekend so don't put all your eggs in one basket because it might be easier to find Mr. Right on a day when not everybody is looking for a remedy for loneliness... 

Oh, and one more thing... A red hanky does NOT mean "romantic and nice"... It means FF... Fist-F*ck! But you knew that, right? No? Ok, my next entry will be about the renowned Hanky Code in the leather community! 

Wake up and smell the poppers! - Poppers and HIV

That was one of the topics which casually came up during one of the classes I taught today; we were talking about banned substances and one of my students, who I think is gay, mentioned this specific issue - the rest, being straight, had no idea what it was about, so I explained a bit.

Everybody has, at least, heard of this substance, considered to be a 'sexual enhancer'... But how much do we actually know about it?

After today's brief explanation to my students (don't worry, they are all adults) I decided to do a bit of research and I found VERY interesting and, I think, not widely spread information.

But first, the basics. If you either live in a nunnery or haven't had sex with more than one person (who might've lived in a monastery) then you may not know what I'm talking about. Poppers are Amyl Nitrate, a substance which expands or dilates blood vessels and is used by some people during sex because of this quality, it helps dilate the anus (which makes anal sex easier), it makes the orgasms more intense and, in general, it makes you feel a bit wilder and hornier.

However, I came across a study relating HIV to popper use... Evidently, it was found that men who use poppers during sex are more prone to get infected or contract an STD even while wearing a condom - I'll explain a bit further.

Poppers dilate the blood vessels and, therefore, the concentration of blood in the anus increases, making it easier for the HIV virus (though I think this is redundant since the 'V' stands for Virus) to get through these vessels - there is also a higher chance of bleeding. But this is not all, the most surprising thing is that this substance also inhibits your immune system, facilitating the infection of any other STD as well. Scary, huh?

So, it's not only that these things make you hornier and wilder, they also make you less resistant to infections and health issues... I'm not condemning its use, I'm just saying that this information should be more widespread/published...

Personally, I can't use poppers and haven't because I tend to respond badly to drugs - I have only used alcohol and caffeine but I absorb them very quickly so the effect tends to be heightened - and I wouldn't want to risk a heart attack or something like that. But also, I think it stinks like HELL!!

If you want to know more about this study, let me know and I will send you the article (I included the reference at the bottom of this entry).

Reference
Walsh N. POP GO THE POPPERS. Gay Community News [serial online]. August 2008;(224):40. Available from: LGBT Life with Full Text, Ipswich, MA. Accessed February 2, 2011.

Bearing the boredom - bars aren't what they used to be!

See this picture? With the three bears standing there looking lost, with nowhere to go? Well, that was us yesterday. Since my birthday is coming up, my bear, one of my best friends and I decided to go out somewhere fun... Oddly enough, we ended up standing on a sidewalk being approached by strange prostitutes, pimps, indescribable creatures of the night (not the kind you'd like to be touch-a-touch-a-touch-a-touched by!) for like 30 minutes before we decided to give up.

First of all, I must admit it was partly my fault since I wanted to stay somewhere close enough to walk back home; lately I have been kind of paranoid about taking a taxi home too late at night. Plus, we live like 10 minutes away from the 'gay' neighbourhood which is supposed to be full of... well... gayness!

Anyway, we decided we did not want to go to the bear bar because we are kind of fed up with it - (in our opinion) the DJ is terrible and it is just a bunch of hairless bears posing to see who's the biggest diva (no pun intended) - and started walking by the other gay clubs in the area. Now it might just be me getting older, but I swear those twinks are just waaaaay too young! Most of them drunk, smoking (not sure what) and with looks that I just couldn't understand - one had blue and pink cotton candy coloured hair, and it did NOT look good on him! We, then, proceeded to check the more 'classy' bars, but they were almost completely empty. So, long story short, we ended up going to the bear bar...

As expected, the music was only so-so most of the time. My friend was approached by a rather hot bear, but the latter disappeared shortly after (not sure why). Before being bored to death, we decided to go somewhere else... And we started walking around... ... ... ... ... ... Until we ended up just as described above.

I think it's pretty odd that we couldn't find a place to have fun the whole night... But, as we were coming home, I was thinking that the 'fun' places I used to go 3 or 4 years ago are closed today and I don't really know many of the new ones - to which I must add that the crowds I have seen in most of them are less than encouraging.

I mean, it's fine since we mostly have get-togethers at home but I wonder if there really isn't a fun place to go around here that doesn't require us to be drunk out of our senses to enjoy!

What kind of places do you like to go to?

Polyamory - and some thoughts on the evolution of relationships.

First of all, I do not mean evolution as in 'getting better'; this term refers to things changing over time - I don't really care for the concepts of 'good' and 'bad'. I should also clarify that the difference between polyamory and cheating is that, in the former, all the participants are informed and agree to the interaction; while in the latter, this does not happen and it is more a matter of one person having two lovers.

So, now that that has been settled. This semester I will carry out an investigation on the topic of polyamorous relationships and the interaction between its members...

When I brought the subject up in class the teacher said she thinks that for someone to be able to be part of this kind of relationships, they should have no jealous feelings whatsoever - I believe it is the other way around. In my point of view, being in an 'open' relationship requires commitment from both parts and, yes, trust - you still have a contract in which the couple agrees to a concept of 'fidelity' which they should both mind.

While this can be a very controversial issue on many levels, I believe it is no more than the natural course of events in human development... What do I mean? Well, some time ago, during a round table with experts on sexuality in which the students were allowed to participate, I asked them what they thought about this matter; one of them gave me a most interesting answer. He said that the idea we have of 'marriage for love' is indeed pretty new, around a hundred years old; it is a concept that has been on trial and has given both benefitial and, at times, troublesome results - nevertheless, it has been part of our daily lives. In fact, the problem lies in the idea most of us have been taught about 'marriage' being the oldest thing in the world; while it is true that it has been around for the longest time, the reasons for it have been changing depending on the historical context in which it was set - for example, marriage was used mostly to keep control of the land and who was to inherit it (if they had not had a contract of sexual exclusivity with their wives, they would have had no way to know if it was really their son being manufactured in her uterus...).

I believe everything is fair as long as all the people involved, be it 2 or 20, are informed and participate willingly; I think it is way more honest than some people who swear they will be 'faithful' (in the traditional sense) not because they believe in the concept but to appease those around him and to fit in a society which is changing anyway.

What is your opinion in this topic? Do you think it is just a way for people to get out of committing to one person or is it a new way to experiment relationships which will eventually lead to other options?

By the way, I am looking for polyamorous couples to interview for my research, if you are interested in participating (the information is completely anonymous) let me know!